Thursday, 17 December 2009

How to Kick a Housemate Out?

So Wino Jo missed his train the other night because of hot card game action and I left him stay. I was nice having him and I was planning on letting him live at mine. I'd even half said to him. There'd be a problem with Hot Baby Roy having to go but family is family like they're always saying on Eastenders and in shit London gangster flicks (one and the same I suppose).

So I'm mulling over in my head how to do it when Hot Baby Roy suggests watching a movie he's stolen from HMV - Blue Crush.

It's about surfer girls and stuff they do, like surf and have full-on relationships with surfer guys.

The movie was taking off and it was a swell pile of balls when Wino Jo jumps up and shouts:

"What a load of shite? I refuuuuuuuuuuuuuse to watch this filth!"

"What's wrong?" says Hot Baby Roy, all startled. I had to half-agree with Wino Jo it was a stinker.

"Semi-naked girls! gyrating on surf boards! This will not do. It's complete filth!"

"That's not filth, that's real life," Hot Baby Roy said, a complete look of disbelief on his face.

"This sort of stuff makes people murderers and rapists," Wino Jo shouted out and saliva was running down his face and he was swinging his fists wildly in the air like he was about to go for Hot Baby Roy.

"Calm down for fuck sake," I shouted. "It might be shite, but all that other stuff is pure balls"

Wino Jo shot me a look like he might swing for me.

"If you're staying here you can either watch what we watch or you can go for a walk until it's finished. There's nothing wrong with watching something that's getting you ready for a wank before bed," I said.

That was the end of that but I know more bullshit is going to come in the next few days. I might have to ask Wino Jo to leave. He's not coming to the party at the Leotard Girls with that mouth. He'll blow our chances of sex!

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

The Correct Rules of Jack Change It

My Brother Wino Jo called round last night. Because he's still tee-total we couldn't drink in front of him (we could but it's a bit like rubbing it in his face) and we thought it wasn't wise to sniff felt tips or talk about shoplifting.

We played cards with him because this is nice and wholesome. No gambling because he starts talking about addiction when you even mention lottery tickets.

We played Jack Change It. Now most people play with a lot of balls rules that are a load of shite and Hot Baby Roy was no exception. Here are the definitive rules. Anyone who says anything else is talking shite:

Everyone is given 7 cards at the start. The object of the game is to get rid of your cards first.

The top card on the remaining pile is turned up. This is the starting card and determines the starting suit.

You can only put down cards belonging to the suit currently in play. There are two exceptions to this. The first is if you have a jack, putting down a jack allows you to change to any suit of your choice, or keep the current suit. You can play a matching card. For example, if a 5 of clubs is in play a 5 of hearts can be placed on top, this changes the suit in play to hearts.

If you cannot play a card you take a card off the top of the remaining pile. When this pile is done the played cards are turned over (bar the top one) and are used to pick up from.

Trick cards are as follows:

2s: If you play a 2 the next player picks up 2 cards, unless they have a 2 in which case they can play it and make the next player pick up 4 (this can continue up to 8).

8: 8 makes the next player miss a turn (regardless of whether they have an 8).

Ace of Hearts: This makes the next player pick up 5. This cannot be passed on or avoided at all. The ace of hearts is the only ace with a trick value.

Jack: as previously stated this allows you to keep the current suit or change it to a suit of your choosing.

Queen: There is a rule that queen changes direction though this isn't played much anymore and can be omitted if players choose to.

After playing your penutimate card you must say last card or you are not allowed to play it. You must pick up on your next go.

If anyone plays with other rules they are not playing Jack Change It and can fuck off.

That's what we said to Hot Baby Roy and he choose to play by the rules.

Wino Jo said he was glad to see me and that he hoped we could see more of each other now he was getting his life sorted out. He doesn't have a job yet but he's applying and he'd like to move back to Belfast soon.

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Late Night Drunken Phonecall to Spitboke

I was all drinking on my own tonight and I felt lonely so I called Spitboke. Here's the conversation or thereabouts (she's in italics):


"Hey yourself, who's this?"

"This is Tuesday Kid? Is this Spitboke?"

"Yes, who are you, how did you get my number?"

"You gave it to me the other morning after we had hot sex together. Don't you remember?"

"Is this Stephen again?"

"No, who's Stephen?"

"Are you one of his asshole friends? If you are my dad knows someone who will throw you out of a window."

"No, I just want to ask you out for a hot date."

"How do I know you?"

"I pulled you in Laverys. I was with the big guy who was covered in tattoos. The one who was calling all the other guys gay."

"Sorry still don't know you and I think homophobia is so lame. I've kissed girls before and I'm cool about stuff like that."

"Me too, I've kissed loads of girls."

(Here she did one of those asshole fake laughs to say she didn't find it funny)

"So do you want to go on a date or not?"

"I still don't know you."

"Remember I had a dog and you boked on my bed?"

"Up yours creepo I don't do stuff like that. I'm from the Malone Rd."

"Come on, let's meet next Tuesday and go to Cheapo Tuesdays at the Dublin Road Cinema? I'll let you pick the movie. And then we can go back to mine for other stuff."

"This is one of Stephen's friends! My dad will like totally fuck you up and stuff. And he'll make your parent's lose their jobs."

"I'm not Stephen, listen I thought we had a cool time together, not just the sex. I want to talk more to you. I've even shoplifted a bottle of Avril Lavigne's new perfume for you. I know that's what all you wee metal girls love."

"Fuck you, Avril Lavigne isn't heavy metal, she's punk rock."

"No she has some heavy metal stuff too. Listen do you want to date me or not?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Come on, what have you got to lose?"

"My Kidneys on the black market asshole. Up yours."

Then she hung up.

This isn't fair. I was really nice to her the other morning. I didn't even charge her for a new duvet. I'm going to write her number all over Belfast in the perviest toilets I can find. And if I do run into her da, he'll find out how those people he fucked up feel.