Goodbye to the Last of The Sweaty Metallers.

Derek Baby called round yesterday to tell me that him and the Banshee were leaving and wanted to know if I'd come to their wee shindig this evening.

I called round ready for sweaty heavy metal rock and roll vomit action but was faced with Derek Baby and The Banshee listening to We've Only Just Begun by The Carpenters. I was pissed off. I asked Derek Baby to get some Motorhead on so we could do some slam dancing.

He gave the Banshee a strange look and walked off to blow up some balloons. Then the party started to take off wild style. The wee indie fuck from across the street called over with his cool palls and they had some skinny jeaned action going on with their perms and flicks. One of them said he was going to teach the others the snap and flick and they all started doing this


(you have to watch about a minute in)

Anyways, once they started getting down some hot babes arrived. Among them was Sandcastles. I asked her how Fabian Wildman was doing and if he was coming tonight. She looked at me and opened her mouth like she was about to say something then walked off to talk to some indie dude.

It was ignorant as fuck. I think he knocked her back because she was sitting out on the street balling her eyes out at the end of the night (ha ha).

I tried to have a rock and roll cool time. Derek Baby came up and started talking about all the rock and roll wild times we had as a band but we didn't even play a gig. He said the hoped Peace Man or Johnny Davro would show up and give the party their approval. I told him I thought they were probably at home rubbing toothpaste into each others boxer shorts.

He said I should watch saying that sort of stuff because Peace Man and Johnny Davro were well liked and I could make a lot of enemies for myself. I said I didn't care. I thought they were ballbags and I've never heard anyone but him give a fuck about them. Everyone else just gets on with their shit and doesn't care.

He got pissed off at this and told me that he hopes Mother of Bowling Ball breaks my legs. I asked him if he knew all about the goat that was killed in his house last year.

He told me to leave. I told him that he was as metal as Richard Gere in a film (wooden in case you didn't get it - he didn't).

Sweaty Metal Rock and Roll Night

We were woke up last night by screaming and howling about murder and human blood, at first I thought it was a late sweaty metal jam but after I heard someone shout "I was in love with her," I realised that this was surely no sweaty metal song.

I ran next door with Fabian Wildman not far behind me. Half the lights were on in the street. The banshee was howling (she really is very good) and the sweaty metallers were shouting their heads off.

I started thumping on the door, shouting for them to calm down, when one of them stormed outside.

"Tuesday Kid, let's you and me start a band," he said. "We don't need these dicks."

"You're just jealous because the banshee loves me," the other one shouted.

"How? How can she love you more? I was always the most metal out of us," shouted the first one.

"No, it was me," shouted the other one.

"Let's ask Tuesday Kid," they said turning to me.

"To be honest lads, I always had trouble telling yous apart," I shrugged.

"How could you confuse me with this dick," said the first one.

I was saved by the Banshee coming out and asking Derek Baby to come back inside. The second one went back in with her.

The first one stood there shaking with anger.

"Derek Baby?" I said, "what's your name?"

He glared at me and stormed off down the street, tears streaming down his face.

Party Time

So on Sunday we'd a big cool party to celebrate Battle Cat being back. We didn't want to make it a rock and roll heavy metal vomit one because Nanny Boo Boo was coming over and we were worried about how she'd find it. The Sweaty Metallers were on their best behaviour but a few sherry's in Nanny Boo Boo starting asking for the vodka and asked for us to play some loud music. She was a right riot. Listening to all the sweaty metaller's funny stories about rock and roll vomit parties and all the sweaty metal things they get up to. It was then I realised that both of them were competing for the affections of the Banshee who lapped it all up.

Fabian Wildman and Betty Blue were hanging out in the corner talking to Mr Spoon because Betty Blue wants to start making weird wine with beetroot and rhubarb and other weird stuff. Mr Spoon had kindly brought round two bottles (which, no harm to him, made everyone who tried them boke). The special place was reserved for Battle Cat who sat in the corner most of the night woofing away pleasantly and glad to be home.

Mr Spoon left around ten and Nanny Boo Boo a short while later. I told her I'd bring Battle Cat down to visit soon. She said she'd like that and that she'd enjoyed her time at the party and maybe she'd get an invite to the next heavy metal vomit one. I don't see why not.

After that we all played strip twister which got very messy and we were all drunk and didn't understand the rules.

I can't remember how it ended but I woke up bollock naked in the living room on my own with Battle Cat licking my face.

I HATE WESTLIFE

I'm feeling better and I've been up and at 'em since yesterday. I went round the sweaty metallers to tell them I was excited about our next jam and about the banshee singing with us. That's when they sat me down and between them (they're hard to tell apart, and they rarely are apart, that's why I always talk about the two of them together) that they also like the banshee and don't know where I fit into the band anymore. I nearly screamed at them, no one screams like I scream, I thought but then I remembered what the banshee sounded like through the walls.

They must have seen the look on my face because they said they hoped we could still be mates and they'd still take me to rock and roll vomit parties. I told them that would be nice but to be honest I don't believe it.

I went to their toilet and pished all over the seat. Then I left, still friends.