So I got my pay and headed straight up to get some crack but my old crack dealer isn't there any more, probably busted. I deleted all my numbers when I gave it up. Fuck that. Hot Baby Roy might have some numbers on his phone so I fucked off to the house to see if I could get hold of his phone.
I bought a bottle of gin on the way and was pure pished by the time I reached the house. The Raven Princess Spandex came to the door and I started babbling away about how hot she was and I was sorry if Hot Baby Roy had tried to steal one of her leotards. And just as I started to catch on she'd been looking puzzled for ages I shut up.
"Hot Baby Roy was great, some guys showed up and started trashing the place and he stopped them. I just wanted to give him this," she put a present in my hand and I didn't know what to say, so I boked all over myself.
"I hope none of that hit you," I said to her as I slid down the wall.
The Raven Princess Spandex is so hot, and now I've no chance. I've been so embarrased I've been up in my room sobbing and swaying gently, I still hope I can fix this.
Who needs to lick the bowl?
Showing posts with label sexy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexy. Show all posts
Wednesday, 23 December 2009
Thursday, 17 December 2009
How to Kick a Housemate Out?
So Wino Jo missed his train the other night because of hot card game action and I left him stay. I was nice having him and I was planning on letting him live at mine. I'd even half said to him. There'd be a problem with Hot Baby Roy having to go but family is family like they're always saying on Eastenders and in shit London gangster flicks (one and the same I suppose).
So I'm mulling over in my head how to do it when Hot Baby Roy suggests watching a movie he's stolen from HMV - Blue Crush.
It's about surfer girls and stuff they do, like surf and have full-on relationships with surfer guys.
The movie was taking off and it was a swell pile of balls when Wino Jo jumps up and shouts:
"What a load of shite? I refuuuuuuuuuuuuuse to watch this filth!"
"What's wrong?" says Hot Baby Roy, all startled. I had to half-agree with Wino Jo it was a stinker.
"Semi-naked girls! gyrating on surf boards! This will not do. It's complete filth!"
"That's not filth, that's real life," Hot Baby Roy said, a complete look of disbelief on his face.
"This sort of stuff makes people murderers and rapists," Wino Jo shouted out and saliva was running down his face and he was swinging his fists wildly in the air like he was about to go for Hot Baby Roy.
"Calm down for fuck sake," I shouted. "It might be shite, but all that other stuff is pure balls"
Wino Jo shot me a look like he might swing for me.
"If you're staying here you can either watch what we watch or you can go for a walk until it's finished. There's nothing wrong with watching something that's getting you ready for a wank before bed," I said.
That was the end of that but I know more bullshit is going to come in the next few days. I might have to ask Wino Jo to leave. He's not coming to the party at the Leotard Girls with that mouth. He'll blow our chances of sex!
So I'm mulling over in my head how to do it when Hot Baby Roy suggests watching a movie he's stolen from HMV - Blue Crush.
It's about surfer girls and stuff they do, like surf and have full-on relationships with surfer guys.
The movie was taking off and it was a swell pile of balls when Wino Jo jumps up and shouts:
"What a load of shite? I refuuuuuuuuuuuuuse to watch this filth!"
"What's wrong?" says Hot Baby Roy, all startled. I had to half-agree with Wino Jo it was a stinker.
"Semi-naked girls! gyrating on surf boards! This will not do. It's complete filth!"
"That's not filth, that's real life," Hot Baby Roy said, a complete look of disbelief on his face.
"This sort of stuff makes people murderers and rapists," Wino Jo shouted out and saliva was running down his face and he was swinging his fists wildly in the air like he was about to go for Hot Baby Roy.
"Calm down for fuck sake," I shouted. "It might be shite, but all that other stuff is pure balls"
Wino Jo shot me a look like he might swing for me.
"If you're staying here you can either watch what we watch or you can go for a walk until it's finished. There's nothing wrong with watching something that's getting you ready for a wank before bed," I said.
That was the end of that but I know more bullshit is going to come in the next few days. I might have to ask Wino Jo to leave. He's not coming to the party at the Leotard Girls with that mouth. He'll blow our chances of sex!
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince
Hot Baby Roy had Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince and a big bowl of home popped pop-corn waiting for me when I got home last night.
He was so excited and said this was going to be the best thing since we met the Leotard Girls. I was very excited too and had been lucky to have bought a big bag of Doritos on the way home.
We sat down and got ready for a whole evening of Hermione and the other peeps. Hot Baby Roy very quickly started talking about how sexy Emma Watson looked but I asked him not to break my suspension of disbelief; I liked to think I was spending the evening with Hermione Granger, not an actress playing her.
He said this was cool and we watched the whole thing without him spoiling it for me once, we salivated and mopped it off or mouths and chins with doritos and popcorn then at the end of the evening sad as we were (I won't spoil the ending) we went up stairs and wanked. (I could say I assumed that Hot Baby Roy wanked but that's like saying if it's wet outside that you assumed it has rained, not that I saw any fluid from him).
He was so excited and said this was going to be the best thing since we met the Leotard Girls. I was very excited too and had been lucky to have bought a big bag of Doritos on the way home.
We sat down and got ready for a whole evening of Hermione and the other peeps. Hot Baby Roy very quickly started talking about how sexy Emma Watson looked but I asked him not to break my suspension of disbelief; I liked to think I was spending the evening with Hermione Granger, not an actress playing her.
He said this was cool and we watched the whole thing without him spoiling it for me once, we salivated and mopped it off or mouths and chins with doritos and popcorn then at the end of the evening sad as we were (I won't spoil the ending) we went up stairs and wanked. (I could say I assumed that Hot Baby Roy wanked but that's like saying if it's wet outside that you assumed it has rained, not that I saw any fluid from him).
Thursday, 27 August 2009
The Leader of The Razorlight Fan Club Falls
The Banshee moved in next door today with Derek Baby so Fabian Wildman's pissed off about not being able to move there. He'd been brushing up on his sweaty metal moves and he was looking forward to comparing spandex with Derek Baby and now it's all gone to shit.
He was fumming about the house so I decided to get out and clear my head. I ran into Rock and Roll Stephen who was in a wile state. He said that his girlfriend had left him for some other dickhead who had skinnier jeans and looked more like Johnny Borrell.
"It's not a mark of a man who has the tightest jeans, she must be immature," I offered by way of consolation.
"Nobody's jeans are tighter than mine," he screamed. "I sit in the bath for hours to get them this tight, I'm going to get pains when I'm old."
He started blubbing and saying that he hated wearing tight jeans, he has all these infected ingrowing hairs on his legs and he can't walk properly anymore.
I offered to take him for a beer to cheer him up but he winced and looked even more panicked.
"I can't be seen with you," he screamed. "You're not cool, I need to be seen with someone who's cool to get her back."
I told him it wasn't going to happen. He was now on a long slow slide into uncoolness. The fact that he was using the word cool showed this. He'd be saying "groovy" next and meaning it, and wearing clothes for their comfort.
He fell on his knees and begged me to tell him this wasn't true but I said what he was doing only further showed this was the case.
"You know I used to hang about with you for cool points," I lied to him. "But not now, not now."
I walked away shaking my head while he lay on the street crying his wee indie heart out.
He was fumming about the house so I decided to get out and clear my head. I ran into Rock and Roll Stephen who was in a wile state. He said that his girlfriend had left him for some other dickhead who had skinnier jeans and looked more like Johnny Borrell.
"It's not a mark of a man who has the tightest jeans, she must be immature," I offered by way of consolation.
"Nobody's jeans are tighter than mine," he screamed. "I sit in the bath for hours to get them this tight, I'm going to get pains when I'm old."
He started blubbing and saying that he hated wearing tight jeans, he has all these infected ingrowing hairs on his legs and he can't walk properly anymore.
I offered to take him for a beer to cheer him up but he winced and looked even more panicked.
"I can't be seen with you," he screamed. "You're not cool, I need to be seen with someone who's cool to get her back."
I told him it wasn't going to happen. He was now on a long slow slide into uncoolness. The fact that he was using the word cool showed this. He'd be saying "groovy" next and meaning it, and wearing clothes for their comfort.
He fell on his knees and begged me to tell him this wasn't true but I said what he was doing only further showed this was the case.
"You know I used to hang about with you for cool points," I lied to him. "But not now, not now."
I walked away shaking my head while he lay on the street crying his wee indie heart out.
Monday, 10 August 2009
A party at last.
Fabian Wildman was out when I got home from my metaller brothers. A bit careless like because he left Battle Cat in on his own. When he does this he leaves him out a bowl of food and lots of water so it's not too bad, but I sometimes worry about people breaking in and stealing him.
Anyways he finally came back last night with Betty Blue and some of her mates. The Unicorn Girl, a girl called Sandcastles and A guy called Stanley (who looks like Stan Laurel),
Unicorn Girl seemed to have forgiven (or at least forgotten) my faux pass the other night, and gave me a big hippy hug when she came in. Sandcastles didn't say much and Stanley turned out to be probably the biggest closet homosexual I've ever met.
From the moment he opened his mouth I thought he was a bit camp and within the first few minutes of meeting him he'd insisted that he wasn't gay (even though no one had suggested he was), that Robbie Williams was gay without a doubt (because of the women he had dated) and that he has nothing against gays.
Then he proceeded to tell a story which had no real point beyond him fucking his girlfriend (apparently his dick bled afterwards).
Once we got that out of the way he calmed down and the three of them had brought booze, they said I could have some. I took Fabian aside and told him what had happened at my "intervention". Fabian was livid. I'd started to calm down about it, I wasn't so much angry any more, as just hurt.
Then we'd a knock on the door. We were worried in case it was the peelers.
"Open up It's Hot Baby Roy," shouted Hot Baby Roy from outside.
We let him in, he'd his friend Clarence with him (who I hadn't met before but Fabian says he's like Hot Baby Roy turned up full blast).
Hot Baby Roy wanted to know if he could watch Bring It On here because his TV was bust and it had sexy cheerleaders in it. Clarence started downing a bottle of vodka and rubbing his crotch. I think Betty Blue's mates were a bit scared.
I told him no, but that him and Clarence could hang out and have a bit of a shindig with us because I'd been expecting one last week that hadn't happened.
In the end we'd a good laugh, the sweaty metallers came round and brought the banshee. I got fucking trashed and I remember telling Hot Baby Roy that he was becoming a good mate (I hope I didn't tell him he could move in when Fabian goes). I rolled up my big Hermione poster and gave it to him (even though Fabian gave it to me first) but it was mostly because I didn't want the girls to see (I think girls find it a bit weird).
Anyways he finally came back last night with Betty Blue and some of her mates. The Unicorn Girl, a girl called Sandcastles and A guy called Stanley (who looks like Stan Laurel),
Unicorn Girl seemed to have forgiven (or at least forgotten) my faux pass the other night, and gave me a big hippy hug when she came in. Sandcastles didn't say much and Stanley turned out to be probably the biggest closet homosexual I've ever met.
From the moment he opened his mouth I thought he was a bit camp and within the first few minutes of meeting him he'd insisted that he wasn't gay (even though no one had suggested he was), that Robbie Williams was gay without a doubt (because of the women he had dated) and that he has nothing against gays.
Then he proceeded to tell a story which had no real point beyond him fucking his girlfriend (apparently his dick bled afterwards).
Once we got that out of the way he calmed down and the three of them had brought booze, they said I could have some. I took Fabian aside and told him what had happened at my "intervention". Fabian was livid. I'd started to calm down about it, I wasn't so much angry any more, as just hurt.
Then we'd a knock on the door. We were worried in case it was the peelers.
"Open up It's Hot Baby Roy," shouted Hot Baby Roy from outside.
We let him in, he'd his friend Clarence with him (who I hadn't met before but Fabian says he's like Hot Baby Roy turned up full blast).
Hot Baby Roy wanted to know if he could watch Bring It On here because his TV was bust and it had sexy cheerleaders in it. Clarence started downing a bottle of vodka and rubbing his crotch. I think Betty Blue's mates were a bit scared.
I told him no, but that him and Clarence could hang out and have a bit of a shindig with us because I'd been expecting one last week that hadn't happened.
In the end we'd a good laugh, the sweaty metallers came round and brought the banshee. I got fucking trashed and I remember telling Hot Baby Roy that he was becoming a good mate (I hope I didn't tell him he could move in when Fabian goes). I rolled up my big Hermione poster and gave it to him (even though Fabian gave it to me first) but it was mostly because I didn't want the girls to see (I think girls find it a bit weird).
Friday, 3 July 2009
Hermione Granger is further away than ever and the guy from Abba is a weirdo
I stayed in tonight because I'm skint as fuck and Fabian Wildman sat all sulky and teary eyed trying to start conversations with me about Jacko that I'd no interest in. I was contemplating licking the bowl (that's how far gone I was) when Jonathan Ross came on. I like Johno and I haven't watched him in ages. So I thought I'd check him out. I was so happy to find that his first guest was the sexy Hermione Granger (well, not Hermione really, it was Emma Watson who plays her in the films). Anyways Emma was being all cool and funny and I think I've forgiven her for dating Razorlight (I hate him). Then she turns round and says she has a boyfriend. I was fucking livid I nearly kicked the tv round the house for the rest of the evening. I tried to hold back but I was seriously considering doing it anyway when she says that she had to kiss Ron Weasley and it felt like incest. I felt a wee throb in my crotch and gave myself a good rub down. I was a bit all over the place for the rest of the show until I saw Benny from Abba's sixties band the Hep Stars. Here they are, what a weird bunch of fuckers:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)