Last night wandering the streets searching for fun, and no violent encounters, Hot Baby Roy and me were swigging from the old bottle of Bushmills. He was sheepishly talking himself into enjoying the night out and the whiskey helped.
"I suppose we're the last of the Irish Rovers?" he said, then it was my turn to stare embarrased at something else.
"No, the Irish Rover was a ship, not cool guys on the town."
"Fuck this, I'm just not cut out for Feniandom," he said half turning to go home.
"Come on Hot Baby Roy, we're going to get laid."
"Why tonight? Of all nights? Why will this night be any different from the rest of my life," he started screaming.
I didn't want to push it so I told him we could go home. He calmed down a bit by the time we reached our street, where we bumped into Rock and Roll Stephen and The Indie Kid, they told us that they were heading to a cool party with lots of Rock and Roll. Rock and Roll Stephen was all happy because he was saying that he was getting new teeth tomorrow. He had to wait because tonight they might get punched in because he was trying to steal another guy's girl.
Hot Baby Roy's ears pricked up at this and he asked Rock and Roll Stephen how to get a sweetheart for himself.
Rock and Roll Stephen laughed and said if you watch me you'll learn.
Hot Baby Roy started to cry. We made our excuses and went in the house. When Hot Baby Roy stopped crying he said that he's going to break Rock and Roll Stephen's new teeth when they're in for laughing at Hot Baby Roy's loveless, fuckless life.
I'll help.
Showing posts with label fuck. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fuck. Show all posts
Thursday, 18 March 2010
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
St Patrick's Day in Belfast
Hot Baby Roy was sitting going red with anger on the sofa today and I could tell it was because of St Patrick's day.
He said he hated all the Irish Music. I told him it was basically the same songs he listened to on the 12th of July. He started cursing and getting really angry until I told him he should come out with me because last St Patrick's day I got my hole with this naive American girl who booked a holiday in Belfast thinking it was what the protestants called Dublin.
He soon changed his tune and was all skeedle hoing it around the house shouting about how we were off to fuck naive American girls.
I said that I wanted this too, but they were thin on the ground so he wasn't to be disapointed.
He sulked a bit then, but he cheered up a bit and said we hadn't had a night out in ages, so he was going to enjoy Belfast craic with his pal Tuesday Kid.
I'd believe him if I didn't know that he was going to come home and trash the place if he doesn't get his hole like I did (and will again tonight!)
He said he hated all the Irish Music. I told him it was basically the same songs he listened to on the 12th of July. He started cursing and getting really angry until I told him he should come out with me because last St Patrick's day I got my hole with this naive American girl who booked a holiday in Belfast thinking it was what the protestants called Dublin.
He soon changed his tune and was all skeedle hoing it around the house shouting about how we were off to fuck naive American girls.
I said that I wanted this too, but they were thin on the ground so he wasn't to be disapointed.
He sulked a bit then, but he cheered up a bit and said we hadn't had a night out in ages, so he was going to enjoy Belfast craic with his pal Tuesday Kid.
I'd believe him if I didn't know that he was going to come home and trash the place if he doesn't get his hole like I did (and will again tonight!)
Friday, 12 February 2010
A Good Old Scrap
Hot Baby Roy is back on the booze. I found him last night sprawled on his back with a big smile on his face and a bottle of Scrumpy Jack cuddled in his arms. Hot Baby Roy was lining his dick up with his nose (Hot Baby Roy's dick, Wino Jo's nose) and trying to take photos of it. Hot Baby Roy looked startled and he'd every right to be because I was going to kick his arse out of the house for that.
Then Hot Baby Roy's old pal Clarence sprung up from behind the sofa telling me that he had been taking lessons in chinese gung-fu and was going to whoop my ass for what I did to him last year.
He tried some big Jean Claude Van Damme roundhouse and managed to knock a potted plant flying just before I slapped his pussy ass all round my living room.
With Clarence booted out on the street I couldn't be arsed telling Hot Baby Roy to leave, him or Wino Jo but I'm thinking that I should just tell both of them to get out to fuck.
Then Hot Baby Roy's old pal Clarence sprung up from behind the sofa telling me that he had been taking lessons in chinese gung-fu and was going to whoop my ass for what I did to him last year.
He tried some big Jean Claude Van Damme roundhouse and managed to knock a potted plant flying just before I slapped his pussy ass all round my living room.
With Clarence booted out on the street I couldn't be arsed telling Hot Baby Roy to leave, him or Wino Jo but I'm thinking that I should just tell both of them to get out to fuck.
Monday, 4 January 2010
My New Buddy
We had a bunch of new starts in work today, they were doing this thing where they sat with us on the phones for a day and we let them listen to us being professional and showing them the ropes.
Whores Bastard was among them for some reason. Me and Little My told the rest of our group about him. Book Boy says they'll let any old shite in because call centres are on the skids and it's better than putting them in jail. We all gave each other "it's not me, it's you" eyes.
The fellah I had was this wee balding eighteen year old who kept rubbing his crotch when he thought I was watching the computer screen. I asked him what his problem was and he nodded over at the twelve foot amazon sitting purring down the phone beside Kissy Boy (how does the lucky bastard do it!)
"I want to lick her legs," he said in the keenest voice I've ever heard.
"You'd have a dry tongue by the time you got to the top of them," I shrugged. I didn't want him to know I was jealous!
"I'd love a little girl of my own," he whinned, he was half in tears and openly rubbing himself down in front of me.
"She's not a little girl," I said. "You'd need a stepladder to give her a kiss."
"She could lift me up," he said. "I'd love that."
"Shut up for fucksake, people are watching us."
"I'm putting in a complaint about this," said the customer.
I hadn't hung up properly. Fuck this I'm so sick of dickheads. I told him I'd his address and if he put in a complaint he'd be getting a visit. I'd spend my last penny on the plane.
Whores Bastard was among them for some reason. Me and Little My told the rest of our group about him. Book Boy says they'll let any old shite in because call centres are on the skids and it's better than putting them in jail. We all gave each other "it's not me, it's you" eyes.
The fellah I had was this wee balding eighteen year old who kept rubbing his crotch when he thought I was watching the computer screen. I asked him what his problem was and he nodded over at the twelve foot amazon sitting purring down the phone beside Kissy Boy (how does the lucky bastard do it!)
"I want to lick her legs," he said in the keenest voice I've ever heard.
"You'd have a dry tongue by the time you got to the top of them," I shrugged. I didn't want him to know I was jealous!
"I'd love a little girl of my own," he whinned, he was half in tears and openly rubbing himself down in front of me.
"She's not a little girl," I said. "You'd need a stepladder to give her a kiss."
"She could lift me up," he said. "I'd love that."
"Shut up for fucksake, people are watching us."
"I'm putting in a complaint about this," said the customer.
I hadn't hung up properly. Fuck this I'm so sick of dickheads. I told him I'd his address and if he put in a complaint he'd be getting a visit. I'd spend my last penny on the plane.
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
Hot Baby Roy Stays In London and Searches in Time for Jack The Ripper
I let Hot Baby Roy stay over because the doctor said he was concussed. This meant he needed someone to watch him and make sure he didn't die. So I sat up and woke him after every couple of hours. This was bad because he said that he couldn't go to sleep without a wank and I told him he wasn't allowed to wank in the house. The next day I woke up to find he'd made me a big ulster fry to say thanks and bought Battle Cat some Pedigree Chum (which even though it's expensive it gives him the runs).
Hot Baby Roy seems to have changed his tune a bit. He was telling me that he was away in London for a week visiting his sister. He said that he spent a lot of time down in shoreditch because he'd read a book about there being prostitutes there and William Burroughs was a time traveller and he was the real Jack the Ripper.
I asked him if he managed to fuck any prostitutes. I was only joking but he took thick and said that he romanced them and bought them flowers and read poetry to them. Then he fucked them.
Then he said that as a big thank you he was going to go and get Wild Child and we'd watch it tonight!
I didn't want to upset him because he looked a sorry state with his big swollen face and his ginger hair with streaks of blood through it. When he tried to smile I felt sorry for him and thought he looked like he didn't deserve his beating, even though he probably did.
Hot Baby Roy seems to have changed his tune a bit. He was telling me that he was away in London for a week visiting his sister. He said that he spent a lot of time down in shoreditch because he'd read a book about there being prostitutes there and William Burroughs was a time traveller and he was the real Jack the Ripper.
I asked him if he managed to fuck any prostitutes. I was only joking but he took thick and said that he romanced them and bought them flowers and read poetry to them. Then he fucked them.
Then he said that as a big thank you he was going to go and get Wild Child and we'd watch it tonight!
I didn't want to upset him because he looked a sorry state with his big swollen face and his ginger hair with streaks of blood through it. When he tried to smile I felt sorry for him and thought he looked like he didn't deserve his beating, even though he probably did.
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Clarence Rubs His Crotch
I was sitting in the living room today when I heard a knock at the door. It turned out it was Clarence. I didn't know whether to let him in or not but one of the upstairs windows were open and I could see him eyeing it up. He walked over to the drainpipe and started pulling at it, like he was seeing if it would take his weight.
I opened the door to him.
"Nice drain pipe," he said cheerily.
"Aye, I like it a lot," I said. "What can I do for you Clarence?"
He stood their rubbing his crotch and asked me if I'd the number for the Unicorn Girl.
"No, I don't," I said. "You should leave her alone, her heart is pure, yours is mucky."
He snarled at me and snapped that he wanted a sweetheart and it was time Clarence stepped into the limelight!
He said that he would take her shopping and they could drink vodka in the park and she could rub his crotch when he was too tired to wank. It was all he wanted and I shouldn't try to stand in his way. Or he would figure out a way to destroy me.
I told him to eat his own fuck and leave me out of it.
He said he could prove he was nice. I should hang out with him and I'd see he just has a bad rep.
I said okay, maybe me and him could go to the pub quiz Hot Baby Roy runs down at the Rangers Supporters Club on Sandy Row.
He snorted at this and said Hot Baby Roy did nothing of the sort, that he wanted to run a pub quiz and he often talked at great length about how running his own pub quiz would be his one true dream, just like Clarence wanted a sweetheart, but that no one was going to trust a jittery fool like Hot Baby Roy with such responsibility. So Hot Baby Roy has been lying to people about it.
I told Clarence that stories like that are the reason he wasn't getting the Unicorn Girl's number, the real reason is that I fancy a go at her myself.
I opened the door to him.
"Nice drain pipe," he said cheerily.
"Aye, I like it a lot," I said. "What can I do for you Clarence?"
He stood their rubbing his crotch and asked me if I'd the number for the Unicorn Girl.
"No, I don't," I said. "You should leave her alone, her heart is pure, yours is mucky."
He snarled at me and snapped that he wanted a sweetheart and it was time Clarence stepped into the limelight!
He said that he would take her shopping and they could drink vodka in the park and she could rub his crotch when he was too tired to wank. It was all he wanted and I shouldn't try to stand in his way. Or he would figure out a way to destroy me.
I told him to eat his own fuck and leave me out of it.
He said he could prove he was nice. I should hang out with him and I'd see he just has a bad rep.
I said okay, maybe me and him could go to the pub quiz Hot Baby Roy runs down at the Rangers Supporters Club on Sandy Row.
He snorted at this and said Hot Baby Roy did nothing of the sort, that he wanted to run a pub quiz and he often talked at great length about how running his own pub quiz would be his one true dream, just like Clarence wanted a sweetheart, but that no one was going to trust a jittery fool like Hot Baby Roy with such responsibility. So Hot Baby Roy has been lying to people about it.
I told Clarence that stories like that are the reason he wasn't getting the Unicorn Girl's number, the real reason is that I fancy a go at her myself.
Friday, 10 July 2009
The Hermione Granger Fan Club
Hot Baby Roy might read my blogs because after me slagging him off a bit recently he showed up at the house today saying that he'd a present for me.
I was a bit dubious but he went into his coat pocket and pulled out a folded up bit of paper to reveal a picture of the lovely Emma Watson who plays the gorgeous Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies.
He said he was a big fan of hers but he knew I was too so he thought he'd bring me a gift.
I was very happy.
I invited him in for a cup of tea and a chat about Hermione.
It soon turned out that Hot Baby Roy was more into Emma Watson and I was more into Hermione. I told him my love for Hermione was pure, while he said he'd love to have sex with Emma Watson under a waterfall.
I didn't fancy his chances but I told him that was a nice thing to think about.
He said that if Razorlight could do it, so could he, because Razorlight was an ugly bastard and Hot Baby Roy had moves.
He has a point there but I'm not so sure her and Razorlight did the deed. I suspect if they did that Razorlight would boast about it in a song.
He said that when he came off crack he'd written her a letter, not about sex but about the other emotions he felt for her. She never replied. He included a picture in it too. That might be the reason why.
He said he was doing his Care Bear Stare in the photo and that if he ever met her he'd do it and he'd be sure to win her heart. He did it for me and I told him he'd have more luck if he just bundled her into the back of a van.
He asked what me and Fabian Wildman were doing for the twelfth. I told him I didn't know about Fabian Wildman but I liked to sleep all day and wank a bit. I waved the Hermione picture at him to show I appreciated the effort because he looked a bit sad that we weren't doing anything.
Perhaps Hot Baby Roy is lonely like I used to be.
I was a bit dubious but he went into his coat pocket and pulled out a folded up bit of paper to reveal a picture of the lovely Emma Watson who plays the gorgeous Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies.
He said he was a big fan of hers but he knew I was too so he thought he'd bring me a gift.
I was very happy.
I invited him in for a cup of tea and a chat about Hermione.
It soon turned out that Hot Baby Roy was more into Emma Watson and I was more into Hermione. I told him my love for Hermione was pure, while he said he'd love to have sex with Emma Watson under a waterfall.
I didn't fancy his chances but I told him that was a nice thing to think about.
He said that if Razorlight could do it, so could he, because Razorlight was an ugly bastard and Hot Baby Roy had moves.
He has a point there but I'm not so sure her and Razorlight did the deed. I suspect if they did that Razorlight would boast about it in a song.
He said that when he came off crack he'd written her a letter, not about sex but about the other emotions he felt for her. She never replied. He included a picture in it too. That might be the reason why.
He said he was doing his Care Bear Stare in the photo and that if he ever met her he'd do it and he'd be sure to win her heart. He did it for me and I told him he'd have more luck if he just bundled her into the back of a van.
He asked what me and Fabian Wildman were doing for the twelfth. I told him I didn't know about Fabian Wildman but I liked to sleep all day and wank a bit. I waved the Hermione picture at him to show I appreciated the effort because he looked a bit sad that we weren't doing anything.
Perhaps Hot Baby Roy is lonely like I used to be.
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