Fuck George W. Bush (still!)

I'm sitting with a pish hangover after being woken up by my barking dog at 8:00. I took him for a wee walk and fed him and now I can't get back to sleep.

I got a postcard from Rock and Roll Stephen (who's doing quite well for himself in Derry from what I've heard [not just what he says]), it said: Fuck George W Bush. That wasn't the design of it, Rock and Roll Stephen wrote that on it. Some people still hate that guy (Bush, not Rock and Roll Stephen) for what he did.

I think some people leave a legacy behind them that make people want to boke every time someone brings them up in a conversation. Angry people talk a lot about them just because it gives them an excuse to be angry. It must be a horrible feeling.

I didn't read the rest of the postcard. I will later when I'm not so tired any more. I'm going to have some crunchy nut cornflakes and go back to bed.

Derry - City Of Culture

I went back to work today. Betty Blue wasn't there and neither was Kissy Boy. They were probably at home fucking and getting fucked like rapists in prison.

After work I went into town and bought some spandex. I was walking up Queen St when I came across Rock and Roll Stephen hanging out on the corner with his guitar in his hand.

I asked him what he was doing and he said he was buying some sausage rolls because he was getting ready to walk to Derry. He was saying that Derry was the city of culture and that he was going to walk there with his guitar in hand and get a garret and write some poetry while smoking rollies and walking around drunk and get chicks and feel like a really rock and roll kid. I sniggered a big because I don't think he knows I call him Rock and Roll Stephen.

I told him that The Indie Kid gave me his book of rhymes before he went back to culchie land. And Rock and Roll Stephen's jaw just dropped and he said that The Indie Kid told him he burnt it.

Tears started running down his face and he said after he managed to get control of himself:

"I guess you really were the smoker."

Then he wandered off in the direction of the motorway singing an old out of tune Libertines song.

I Can Whoop Some Ass

I was going to post up the funny crap inside The Suicide Diaries but instead I went for a walk with a nice bottle of pink champaigne down the Lagan Meadows. I should really describe the Lagan Meadows to some of you after all this time. It starts in Stranmillis in South Belfast and cuts an upside down V all the way out to Lisburn (not a fucking) City. It's great because it feels like you've walked for miles out into the countryside but you're never really further than a mile away from some houses.

So there I was down there when I ran into Rock and Roll Stephen, he was balling his eyes out and saying that The Indie Kid leaving was like Pete and Carl going their seperate ways.

I said that he'd be happier wanking off cows, he was a country boy really and all this roley smoking posturing was fucking him up. He didn't know how to do one and now he can't remember how to do the other.

He told me I better get out of here because an enemy was on the way. He fixed me a steely stare and spat on the ground.

Suddenly Clarence Pishflap and the Unicorn Girl came into view.

"Hello Clarence Pishflap and The Unicorn Girl," I said.

The Unicorn Girl gave me a big hug and called me the truster of poems. Clarence growled. I asked him if he was still wanting to beat Hot Baby Roy up and he said that he was going to meet up with him at a later date and knuckles were going to bleed.

"My knuckles will bleed," he screamed before falling to the ground screaming.

"Stop acting like a fucking wanker," The Unicorn Girl shouted at him. "I've told you it doesn't fucking impress me."

She stormed off up the path, he stood up and ran after her shouting apologies.

Rock and Roll Stephen laughed. It was nice to see him happy. He laughed as he walked down into the meadows singing Libertines songs to himself. I don't think he'll miss The Indie Kid all that much.

"It's My Birthday So You Have To Sleep With Me"

So Hot Baby Roy's been getting all excited and asking me who I'm inviting to his party. I know he thinks the Leotard Girls are top of the list and that he's going to get a "it's my birthday you have to sleep with me" fuck off the Raven Princess Spandex but it's not going to happen. Even before I went next door to invite them I knew they weren't coming.

So I get invited in and The Raven Princess Spandex is saying that she likes Hot Baby Roy but that he hit Rock and Roll Stephen and she thought that was mean, even though it was one of her spidey fucker friends that knocked Rock and Roll Stephen's teeth out. She says she knows but that things are different now and she's been hanging out with him and she likes him and that Hot Baby Roy is in a bad place and blah blah blah. She's into Rock and Roll Stephen and Hot Baby Roy can go and fuck basically. I knew this was going to happen, basically because Rock and Roll Stephen is a good looking guy and Hot Baby Roy isn't. That's not a dig at gingers, he just isn't handsome and doesn't carry himself in a way that makes girls want him.

That basically leaves the list at me, him and Battle Cat.

I asked the Raven Princess Spandex if The Death Owl had shown up again and she said that her and Princess Cheetara had just made it up because Rock and Roll Stephen had told her about how I was scared of the Death Owl and used to fancy the girl that lived here and she had to move away because I was always following her around.

Fuck them.

A Victory for The Ugly Ones

Last night I wanted to have a word with Hot Baby Roy about us not doing crack anymore but he was all happy about hitting Rock and Roll Stephen. I didn't want to spoil it but then he was talking about getting a nice bit of crack for us to celebrate with.

"Why did you nut him in the face?" I asked.

"He was threatening me with muscle," Hot Baby Roy said.

"Yeah but he doesn't know muscle. And if you'd arrived earlier you'd have heard that he's not getting anywhere with The Raven Princess Spandex either."

"A load of balls, Rock and Roll Stephen is the sort of guy who always gets girls. I'm the sort of guy that girls always say 'I like you as a friend' then they sit and bitch to me when the guys they do like fuck them over, fuck that. I didn't just nut him for what he said. I nutted him for who he is, and who I've had to be all these years."

He sounded like he was getting all hysterical and I told him that I'd go round and speak to her in the morning because it sounds like she's leading the pair of them on. It's not on.

Rock-a-Bye Hot Baby Roy

After coming home from Nanny Boo Boos yesterday, Hot Baby Roy came in a little while later. His face was all red and puffy, so red his hair looked blonde. I asked him what was up.

"Me and The Raven Princess Spandex are over," he said. "I suppose it never really began."
"What happened?" I asked.
"I went round there today and tried to talk to her all about my feelings, my love and how it was pure, even though it was full of sex and she acted all surprised and said she thought I was just her BFF. I told her that I'd never made my love or lust for her a secret and that she should just come round here and get in my bed. She didn't like that."
"Okay, I can see..."
"Fucking Rock and Roll Stephen has been round there with his new teeth and going over that fucking Marylin Monroe speech and she's all 'Rock and Roll Stephen has ideas.' Fuck her."
He was getting really worked up and then he pulled out a crack pipe.
"I read on your blog that you've been at it again, let's me and you have some now. Fuck girls. Crackheads together!"
I should have said no but my mouth was sore after getting a clash in it from Nanny Boo Boo. Hot Baby Roy said that he'd been wanting to do it for a long time but he thought I might kick him out. He said he was always jealous of me and Fabian Wildman hanging out smoking crack and huffing bags of glue. I told him it wasn't like that so much, only at the start.
He said that Fabian was a wanker these days anyways. He came across him one night out on Botanic and he was going to go to him and say hi but Fabian was following this drunk down the street and when the drunk started boking he through his burger in a bin and Fabian hoaked through the bin for ages until he found the burger and half a bottle of wine that was probably pish.

A Mature Conversation About Sex

I was down the Lagan Meadows again last night trying to find the Unicorn Girl. I thought that maybe if I had one of those majikal horns like the old warriors had then I could blow it and she'd come galloping towards me with the wind or some romantic ass shit. There's something about when you can't get to people or get in touch with them that makes you want them more, I don't know what it is or why it works.

Hot Baby Roy says it's because when you're a kid people don't refuse anything to you but that when you get older and it happens it just makes you want it more.

Since both of us have been crack addicts we know what it's like to really want something and try to refuse it. Part of me wonders if I'm just lonely and that any girl could take the Unicorn Girl's place in my affections.

That was what I was thinking just as Rock and Roll Stephen, the Indie Kid and some girl came prancing along. I recognised the girl, but I don't know where from.

They sat and chatted to me for a bit. Rock and Roll Stephen has new teeth and he says that these ones are reinforced and won't break next time he falls over drunk. I half said that someone punched him but he gave me this alarmed look like he didn't want the girl to know. I don't know why because they weren't together and I don't think he was even trying it on with her. Maybe he was playing it cool.

She was talking all about how she believed in true love and that monogamy was a choice you had to make constantly regardless of whether you had a long term sex partner or not.

The Indie Kid mumbled something about how he didn't eat beefburgers because he could smoke beef at home, then he took a turn to look alarmed and he winced and shut up quickly as he realised he'd balls it up.

"I've always wanted to turn a gay guy," the girl said staring at him coyly. It was then I remembered where I'd seen her before.

Rock and Roll Stephen is Back in Action

Last night I took Hot Baby Roll on a pink champaigne swigging adventure down by the Lagan Meadows. We bumped into Rock and Roll Stephen, Clarence Pishflap, The Unicorn Girl and the girl that Rock and Roll Stephen was trying to steal from another man.

The Unicorn Girl immediately told Clarence Pishflap about my making her cry the last time we saw each other. Clarence looked warily at me like he knew any foolish act of heroism could blow the Clarence The Protector ruse he's been casting for weeks.

"I hurt my arm lifting weights today," he said, rubbing his arm. The left soon after. Clarence looked back at me resentfully and drew a finger across his throat. I flexed my bicep at him in the manner Avril Lavigne used to in the early stages of her punk rock career, only mine were much bigger and dangerous.

Once they were away Hot Baby Roy pulled me to the side and asked if I'd help beat up Rock and Roll Stephen. I told him that I didn't want to hit Rock and Roll Stephen. Hot Baby Roy said it was okay he didn't need to win he just needed to fuck up his face.

Back at the bench Rock and Roll Stephen had his new teeth out in some style and was making up for gummy months by giving it all that about how into feminism he was and was rhyming off this big long swab of bullshit he'd no doubt prepared for this moment.

Here's how it went:

"Feminists, man. I sometimes feel embarrased being a man because we can be so shit to girls, women, I mean women. But we're not the only ones I mean women don't know how far ahead they are sometimes. I mean take Marilyn Monroe, a lot of women see her as a ditsy blonde, a bad role model for other women but still there were pictures of her published while she was still alive that show her reading James Joyce's Ulysees and weightlifting."

Hot Baby Roy rubbed his groin. "Power and brains," he breathed.

"But me," continued Rock and Roll Stephen. "I respect women, I respect you."

Then he leaned in for the kiss but the girl was having none of it. She hit him a slap and stormed off.

"What can I say?" said Rock and Roll Stephen. "It must just be my reputation. I have a reputation for breaking hearts. But I'm trying to change."

Some guy came up to us then and asked who was Rock and Roll Stephen. Rock and Roll Stephen meekly held up a finger in fear. The guy punched him in the side of the jaw and walked off.

When Rock and Roll Stephen opened his mouth next his shiney new teeth came crumbling out and he fled in tears.

Rock and Roll Stephen last night

The Pain of Being Lonely

Last night wandering the streets searching for fun, and no violent encounters, Hot Baby Roy and me were swigging from the old bottle of Bushmills. He was sheepishly talking himself into enjoying the night out and the whiskey helped.

"I suppose we're the last of the Irish Rovers?" he said, then it was my turn to stare embarrased at something else.

"No, the Irish Rover was a ship, not cool guys on the town."

"Fuck this, I'm just not cut out for Feniandom," he said half turning to go home.

"Come on Hot Baby Roy, we're going to get laid."

"Why tonight? Of all nights? Why will this night be any different from the rest of my life," he started screaming.

I didn't want to push it so I told him we could go home. He calmed down a bit by the time we reached our street, where we bumped into Rock and Roll Stephen and The Indie Kid, they told us that they were heading to a cool party with lots of Rock and Roll. Rock and Roll Stephen was all happy because he was saying that he was getting new teeth tomorrow. He had to wait because tonight they might get punched in because he was trying to steal another guy's girl.

Hot Baby Roy's ears pricked up at this and he asked Rock and Roll Stephen how to get a sweetheart for himself.

Rock and Roll Stephen laughed and said if you watch me you'll learn.

Hot Baby Roy started to cry. We made our excuses and went in the house. When Hot Baby Roy stopped crying he said that he's going to break Rock and Roll Stephen's new teeth when they're in for laughing at Hot Baby Roy's loveless, fuckless life.

I'll help.

My Dreams are Crushed Like Rose Petals in an Alligators Mouth - An Old Chinese Saying (balls)

Today I signed on and I was well sneaky. I didn't tell them about my job interview because if I get the job then I'll keep signing on for an extra month, just so they get fucked in the cash.

I'm making big plans for myself and what I'll do when I get mullah. It'll be barbeques and pink champainge every day and hopefully wet tee-shirt contests in my back yard.

That's what I was thinking all the way to my interview. It was pure balls. It's only for a pish wee shop but I was talked to like this was kay-mart or some such shit. It wore me down. I was told all about their current coffee and newspaper promo and an upcoming Pot Noodle one they were very excited about that was sure to crush the enemy or at the very least bring them to their knees. He screwed his face up like he was wringing out a teatowel as he said it.

I told him that I was a big capitalist and I had plans to make this shop into the money making machine I had dreamed about since I was a little boy.

They thought I was taking the piss and asked me to leave. I asked the guy how he could talk the shite he did and not take me seriously.

He told me I was barred. I told him I'd grow a moustache and come back in here on the rob. I'd steal everything in the shop, even the mouldy bread they try to flog to begging tramps. I was getting quite carried away but I left weeping like Ben Affleck crying over his tattered name.

Then I went with a bottle of pink champainge down to the Lagan Meadows and sat at the mouth of it crying away.

Rock and Roll Stephen was there with The Unicorn Girl. I was in floods of tears saying that I was destined to stay on the dole all my life and become a theiving bastard like that rotten bastard Gerard Taggart.

Rock and Roll Stephen said that being on the dole was rock and roll and that I should be proud.

I told him I didn't want to be rock and roll, I wanted money.

The Unicorn Girl said that I was shallow and materialistic and I told her that she only thought like that because she was probably some wee rich girl from the Malone Road.

She started to cry and I felt bad. But not bad enough to comfort her. I sat and drank my drink as she cried and Rock and Roll Stephen tried to say the letter F with no teeth.

Unicorns Aren't Extinct Yet

I went down the Lagan Meadows last night with a bottle of pink champaigne. The optimism of Spring didn't last it seems.

There were some people sitting at the mouth of the meadows all having a laugh. I was feeling jealous until I heard my name shouted.

I went over and it was Rock and Roll Stephen, The Indie Kid, Clarence Pishflap and The Unicorn Girl.

The Indie Kid was saying that he was trying to get Rock and Roll Stephen back into singing because he'd written more songs about The Smoker and they needed to be sung.

"About that," I said to The Indie Kid. "I don't like you writing songs about me."

"They're not about you," he said. "They're about Fabian Wildman."

"How the fuck are they about Fabian Wildman?" I said.

He didn't get a chance to reply because The Unicorn Girl sat bolt upright and started offloading about what a bastard Fabian Wildman had been when he was living with her and her mates. He started smoking crack and tried it on with loads of girls behind Betty Blue and broke poor Betty Blue's heart, and that I was a bastard by proxy.

I told her that I hadn't seen Fabian Wildman in months and that I liked Betty Blue and I felt bad about what he did, and for some reason I found myself half defending him. I told her that he goes through phases where he fucks everything up but that he helped me give up crack and I'll always thank him for it.

She kept on saying he was a bastard and I told her that Betty Blue used to take me clothes shopping in the second hands and that I hoped she was doing okay even though Fabian Wildman had been a fucker to her.

Clarence Pishflap who'd been strangely silent up til that point said that I was upsetting The Unicorn Girl and that him and her were going to go.

The Unicorn Girl said she was sitting where she was.

Rock and Roll Stephen broke the tension by asking me if I knew anything about how to get false teeth. The Unicorn Girl didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening but it's progress of sorts.

Dark Eyes Follow Me

I woke up on the couch this morning to find someone stomping around upstairs. I fetched the baseball bat from the cupboard under the stairs and went up to find Hot Baby Roy tidying up. I asked him what he was at.

He said the house was in a bit of a mess and he was sorting things out. I asked him where he'd been. He said he was staying for a few nights at Clarence Pishflap's. I asked if the Unicorn Girl was there too, and he burst out laughing. I told him that Clarence and he were an item and that I thought she was too good for him.

He said that Clarence wished they were an item because when she's round Clarence is always making her cups of tea and listening to her talk about indie boys that have wronged her and telling her she should leave boys alone and get with a "real man," by that he means himself.

Hot Baby Roy said that one night the Unicorn Girl fell asleep as Clarence was comforting her on the couch (no sex implied) and that when he, Hot Baby Roy walked into the room Clarence was rocking her gently and sniffling. He was implanting subliminal messages, saying "You fancy me, Clarence: a real man," softly in her ear. That's the only night she ever spent at his and Clarence said the next morning that he will never say if they had sex or not because "a gentleman never tells," even though nobody asked.

Hot Baby Roy said that he was fed up with Clarence and had seen him for the sad case he was. He also said that Clarence had bought ninja stars and kept saying he was going to embed them into my skull. And that Clarence had been following me around town when I was wankered out of my face and sometimes deep into the Lagan Meadows as night. Watching for a sign of my weakness, he nearly had me the other night but Rock and Roll Stephen was stroking my hair while I slept (yuk) and Clarence had to go home to change his catheter before it overflowed.

I told him that I wasn't bothered. If Clarence beat me in a dream he'd better wake up and apologise. I felt a bit silly for saying this and Hot Baby Roy politely stared at the floor.

Pain

At the back of the carpark on Tomb St where sk8rkids huff paintball pellets and drink Solschenizyn (brown lemonade, schnapps and a dash of Fanta), was Rock and Roll Stephen, the Unicorn Girl and Clarence Pishflap.

"This isn't your usual place," I said to them. "Your gang don't roam here, what's the story?"
Clarence Pishflap spat and said to the Unicorn Girl that my mate Fabian Wildman was the one who broke her friend Betty Blue's heart.
The Unicorn Girl looked at me and said that I should maybe leave because she won't speak to friends who hurt other friends.
I told her I hadn't seen Fabian Wildman in ages and that I was a free man and could go round Belfast wherever I wanted.
Clarence Pishflap said that him and the Unicorn Girl were off and they left, Rock and Roll Stephen looked sad so I offered him some pink Champaigne.

He blew air out his flapping lips and said that he didn't need to teeth to tell me that Clarence was putting moves on the Unicorn Girl and that I was out of the picture.

I told him I hadn't seen or even thought about the Unicorn Girl in months and that my neighbours wore leotards all day long, and sometimes so did I.

"I know," he said sadly, and I remembered how he lost his teeth.

We sat in silence and I fell asleep, when I woke up he wasn't there. It was only me.

Valentines Day and No Cards.

Valentines Day on a Sunday isn't so bad because you can say you got no cards because there's no Sunday post. But we all know if we were going to get any they would have come yesterday. None of us are speaking in my house but I know that Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo were up particularly early yesterday and both looked really upset last night at having got no cards.

Me I'm not so bothered, there's no one I really wanted to get one from so until I have a proper sweetheart these heart throb points aren't worth collecting.

I walked down the Lagan tow path out by Central Station yesterday and bumped into Rock and Roll Stephen sitting beside it weeping. I feel really sorry for him now that he's got a big gummy face. He had a big red face from crying and he was saying that he's no longer the rock and roll pretty boy of Belfast and he hated it. He had no Valentines this year and it was so embarrassing because he'd booked a photographer to come and take pictures of him playing his guitar surrounded by the Valentines and the girls who'd sent them.

I offered him a hug but he refused I think it was more to do with how Battle Cat was snarling and barking at him from the moment we met. I think Battle Cat can sense Rock and Roll Stephen's less likable qualities but without his teeth and rock and roll heart throb status he might be undergoing a change towards a more admirable disposition.

Rock and Roll Stephen did offer all us cardless unloved types a bit of consolation, he said that girls aren't buying so many cards because of the recession and that they're showing their love in different ways, like laughing at you.

It's something to cling to.

I'm not Crying, It's just Raining

Work is pure balls today, it's pissing down outside and all anyone seems to want to talk about is Alex and Jordan. I said that Alex and Jordan were no Peter and Jordan and Little My said that it was time to move on. She has a point, the only person who's been here longer than us now is Book Boy and I don't know how he even ended up here in the first place.

We've some new starts today and Hoors Bastard is among them, seems he came back and fought the good fight and has earned a prize job (balls). He keeps talking about this guy who was in training with him called Captain Cool Bastard. Apparently Captain Cool Bastard is pure lethal craic and he's going to get up to all sorts while he's here. Hoors Bastard compared him to Bolton from Heartbreak High and Little My left a wee wet patch on her seat. I asked Whoors Bastard who Bolton was and Little My said:

"Away you back to sleep."

This is apparently some craic when she says it when she's out with her millie friends. Speaking of millies, neither Hot Baby Roy nor Wino Jo caught on that they've as much chance of pulling the Leotard Girls as they do of pulling my bar.

They both secretly blame me for putting them off the Anfield Rap and they say they're going to bring it out at the next party. They'll lose more teeth than Rock and Roll Stephen if they do, who by all accounts is now a gummy bastard.

I Should Never Go To Parties

Last night was the Raven Princess Spandex's birthday party and me and Wino Jo and Hot Baby Roy were all getting ready to go. I came into the livingroom all dragged up in a nice tasteful evening gown and high heels. It's not often I get to wear drag (neither of them are clued up about it) so a fancy dress party is a great occasion for me to mill around in softer fabrics.

Wino Jo and Hot Baby Roy were all pissed off because they thought we should go as The Beastie Boys but I said that no one would get that and they huffed and puffed and said that I was a rare boy in my dress and I told them that they should try it, they did and said that it actually felt nice and that we should all go as girls.

We were all kinkied up and headed round to the party. The door was answered by Princess Cheetara who was dressed up as Supergirl and not Cheetara from the Thundercats as I had hoped.

The Raven Princess Spandex was dressed up as old-skool Catwoman Julie Newmarr. We weren't right in until I noticed Rock and Roll Stephen and the Indie Kid all done up as the Libertines (the jackets were pretty close to the real deal) all set to sing some songs.

It was only after the first one "Ballad of The Smoker" that I twigged who they were singing about. Here's the lyrics:

"The Smoker smokes, but is it tobacco?
Is it for release?
Is it because he thinks he's cool
like my idol Pete Doherteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

They kept giving me smirky looks during the song and The Indie Kid even looked at Princess Cheetara and licked his lips. I was about to wade in with my fists flying when a nice spide (not sure if he was in fancy dress or not) waded into them with:

"What's this shite, are you two fruits?"

then he grabbed the guitar off The Indie Kid and nutted Rock and Roll Stephen in the face. This half stopped the party before it started. I realised that the house was teaming with spides.

Princess Cheetara came over and was laughing away about Rock and Roll Stephen getting nutted. I felt like shit, she's a big millie.

Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo didn't seem to care, but I cared. I watched as they followed the Leotard Girls round the house like sappy puppies, while the Leotard Girls went to great lengths to tell stories that were all about someone getting demeaned and ended with "It was some craic!"

How had I been so blined by beauty and spandex? How?

Songs About "The Smoker"

I bumped into Rock and Roll Stephen on my way to work today. He was talking about how he was trying to start up a band, and it turns out that the Indie Kid on my street is the lead guitarist and song writer. He's writing songs about this character who he calls "The Smoker" and the smoker doesn't do what society expects him to do he just sits there and smokes and thinks, that's where he gets one up on society because he thinks more. Apparently it's heavily implied but never exactly stated if "The Smoker" smokes tobacco, drugs or "something different". He was getting really excited about it, and he said they were going to a party next weekend and it was fancy dress and get this they'd gotten themselves all kitted out so they were going as Pete and Carl. I told them they'd more chance of pulling off Pete and Dud, or just Dud and Dud, but he didn't find this funny. He asked who would want to go as two Dudley Moores? And I told him it was a pun on how a dud is something that doesn't work.

Speaking of which I think they won't look so bad next to Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo doing the Anfield Rap but sure the shitness of some people is often obscured by the shitness of someone else.

Why can't my team win for a change.

Pete Doherty Plays Belfast!!

The Indie Kid across the street threw a party last night. A kind of 'let's get the parties started' thing but later he told me (when totally pished and close to tears) that it had all been about getting some of the fine pussy across the street. She didn't show up but there was a motley cast of indie rock and rollers from around Belfast.

Rock and Roll Stephen was there, meaning business, wearing the tightest pair of women's jeans and the tightest perm and his mothers handbag. He'd a wee silver case full of rollies.

I told him he looked like he meant business and he said: "From now on things are going to be full on, with relationships and studying."

I winced and told him that I once met Johnny Borrell in Donaghadee (a lie but the Indie Kid will back me up because he thinks it's true).

For some reason Sexy Carlos was there and he was walking around bare chested with the words "Who do I trust? I trust me!" scrawled across his chest in red lipstick. A thing Rock and Roll Stephen told me he'd stolen from the Manic Street Preachers, I thought it was Scarface.

I got talking to this girl at the punch bowl who told me that she was going to comit suicide when she turned twenty one. I asked her what age she was and she said nineteen. I told her that she should extend it to twenty five because after school and uni there's a lot of fun to be had lying around on the dole playing computer games and smoking crack (if that's your thing, it's not mine any more).

She told me that what I'd just said was profound. I smiled like a dog who's just realised it can lick it's own balls. I pretty much talked to her the rest of the night giving out half-wisdoms which she pretty much lapped up like a cat who'd been left out a bowl of milk by people who aren't it's owners.

Rock and Roll Stephen nearly spoiled it by bringing out a guitar and shouting:

"Who says Pete Doherty can't come to Belfast. Rock and Roll Stephen brings Pete Doherty right here!"

Then he started playing some Pete Doherty but no one really listened. I was glad when he fucked off home in tears.

How to pull Metaller Girls

I went out with Good King Thumpo tonight because I was trying to get to the bottom of how he pulls. I can't stand it anymore. So I went and found the greasy tattooed bastard hassling the Alternative Ulster staff in Charlie's Coffee Shop.

I told him I wanted to go for beers and pool. I meant pull but he's a thick bastard and doesn't know better.

He lost two games to six. I told him that he'd have more luck trying to miss. He said he'd see about luck when it came to getting sex with girls tonight.

Anyway at about ten we went off and tried to meet hot metal ladies. It was horrible. Rock and Roll Stephen was there. He told us that his mother caught him trying to use her curlers and kicked his shite in. His dad then kicked him out because he was ashamed that Rock and Roll Stephen couldn't even beat up a woman.

Rock and Roll Stephen went to the bar and Good King Thumpo's first question was: "Is he gay?" I said no but Good King Thumpo spat out when I said this.

I stood and waited to talk to sexy metal girls but all Good King Thumpo did was shout "Yeow! Look at your tits!" when they walked past.

I thought this is bollocks but then a few of them came up smiling and all Good King Thumpo had to do was say "He looks so gay!" when some skinny jeaned prick walked past. I couldn't believe they liked this but they smiled and swooned. Good King Thumpo was loving it. I thought the girls were dumb for acting like this but I played along and said it myself a few times. Particularly at Rock and Roll Stephen who visably winced. Fuck him I'd a heavy metal girl home with me to fuck. Yeow!

I took her back to mine for Tuesday Kid love but after that she went to sleep. She told me she wanted to be in IN Magazine one day but I didn't really listen. She went to sleep and I spat on her. Not exactly true love eh?

Sometimes I Stumble and Fall

I was sitting in Charlie's Coffee shop on Bradbury Place when Rock and Roll Stephen walked in. He was with some Rock and Roll girl so when I tried to say hi he blanked me.

I sat sipping my coffee and trying to think about what to do for the day but I couldn't help but over hear them.

"I was cool at school, but no one ever gave me credit for it," the girl who looked to be in her twenties was saying. "I was listening to the Libertines before anyone else."

Rock and Roll Stephen just sat pulling a pose that made him look deep and unconcerned.

"Then they all started listening to them but I'd moved on to other cooler bands," she said, with this big smile like she was finally getting validation.

Rock and Roll Stephen turned to look at her. Then he said:

"I never asked you to understand how I keep myself to myself in the crush of the crowd. But all you can say is 'Who cares? It's part of the deal'".

Then she looked at him all amazed like he'd said something so vital. They didn't really make much sense. I know they're fucking Razorlight lyrics and if she was half the musso she claimed to be she'd know that too. Rock and Roll Stephen said he wrote them and was going to put them in a poem he was writing. Then he went on about how he's a Pete Doherty type and if it wasn't for people like her then the Libertines might have given up and Pete and Carl wouldn't have saved his life.

I really wanted to interupt and tell her that I knew Rock and Roll Stephen back when he was seventeen and used to get turned away from The Venue yet and he used to go home and wank over his ma's club books and get caught and get a clash in the face and a burst mouth and say he got it from fighting with street gangs. Lying wee bastard.

I wanted to say this, but how could I? They looked so loved up and they're both wankers so at least they can be wankers at each other and not fuck up someone decent.