How to pull Metaller Girls

I went out with Good King Thumpo tonight because I was trying to get to the bottom of how he pulls. I can't stand it anymore. So I went and found the greasy tattooed bastard hassling the Alternative Ulster staff in Charlie's Coffee Shop.

I told him I wanted to go for beers and pool. I meant pull but he's a thick bastard and doesn't know better.

He lost two games to six. I told him that he'd have more luck trying to miss. He said he'd see about luck when it came to getting sex with girls tonight.

Anyway at about ten we went off and tried to meet hot metal ladies. It was horrible. Rock and Roll Stephen was there. He told us that his mother caught him trying to use her curlers and kicked his shite in. His dad then kicked him out because he was ashamed that Rock and Roll Stephen couldn't even beat up a woman.

Rock and Roll Stephen went to the bar and Good King Thumpo's first question was: "Is he gay?" I said no but Good King Thumpo spat out when I said this.

I stood and waited to talk to sexy metal girls but all Good King Thumpo did was shout "Yeow! Look at your tits!" when they walked past.

I thought this is bollocks but then a few of them came up smiling and all Good King Thumpo had to do was say "He looks so gay!" when some skinny jeaned prick walked past. I couldn't believe they liked this but they smiled and swooned. Good King Thumpo was loving it. I thought the girls were dumb for acting like this but I played along and said it myself a few times. Particularly at Rock and Roll Stephen who visably winced. Fuck him I'd a heavy metal girl home with me to fuck. Yeow!

I took her back to mine for Tuesday Kid love but after that she went to sleep. She told me she wanted to be in IN Magazine one day but I didn't really listen. She went to sleep and I spat on her. Not exactly true love eh?

Today I went down to the post office to cash my housing benefit. I paid my internet bill and went and got me some crack. Before that I went to Bishops on Bradbury place and got me a curry chip. Their chips are a bit rotten and greasy but it's nice to feel something slushing about your stomach after it's been empty so long (even if it's going to empty itself five minutes later).

I met Good King Thumpo while I was in there. I hate Good King Thumpo. You can tell that when the troubles was going on he was in the thick of it, breaking people's knees and all that, now it's calmed down (or supposed to have calmed down) Good King Thumpo is a bit redundant and just wanders about trying to heavy people.

He's blathering away to me about some guy he beat up outside Auntie Annie's the other night. It's mostly wee indie kids that drink in there so it's hardly impressive.

"What do you think you're looking at?" Good King Thumpo shouts at this wee spindly indie fucker.
"Nothing," the guy says. To be fair he probably was looking at Good King Thumpo because he looks like Papa Shango from WWF (clothes and all - replace the face paint with tattoos, that's why he can't get a bouncers job).
"ARE YOU SAYING I'M NOTHING? I'M GOOD KING THUMPO!" he shouts storming over.
"I'm just eating my chips," the wee indie guy says.
"No you're not; you're coming outside for a fight with me," Good King Thumpo says grabbing him by the scruff of his stripey jumper.
"Good King Thumpo leave him alone," I shout. It's not right, he's probably just some indie kid down from the Alternative Ulster offices up the street.
Good King Thumpo lets him go and walks back over to where he's getting his chips.
"Just got a bit carried away," he says, sweating heavily.
Good King Thumpo is really not right in the head, and you may think what I did was brave but Good King Thumpo is scared of me for the stupidest reason.

One night I was out in Lavery's and he was there. He started hassling me and being a dick. I kept my temper (I know I couldn't beat Good King Thumpo) and left at the first opportunity, he followed me round Bradbury Place and The Lisburn Road trying to start a fight. He took a few swings but he was so plastered they all missed. Anyway he got bored and wandered off home, only to fall over halfway and split his face open on a curbstone. He wakes up the next day and can't remember, all he remembers is hassling me and so he thinks I've done this to him.

When he came up to me a few weeks later and apologised I just said "well, if you watch your mouth me and you could get on fine." He's been dead on ever since.

The girl behind the counter is so pleased that I stopped a bloodbath in her take away I get my bag of rotten grease for free. Yummie.



Good King Thumpo yesterday. (Owner of skull unknown).