Nanny Boo Boo Is

Today I went down to Nanny Boo Boo's to ask her to Fabian Wildman's leaving do. When I got there she was icing a cake. She asked me to go into the cupboard and get a nice bottle of the two for one pinotage out.

"Are we bringing this up to Fabian Wildman?" I asked.

"No," she said. "Me and you are going to drink it and eat this cake."

I opened the wine and asked her why'd she bake a cake for me.

She said that Fabian Wildman's been visiting her a lot. She said he's worried about me. He thinks I'm depressed. He says I sit about the house watching videos most of the time. Plus she said she likes to bake cakes and eat them but she's putting on weight because she doesn't usually have anyone to eat them with, so today I was having half.

That's weird Fabian Wildman telling Nanny Boo Boo this, he's usually so good at telling me things upfront.

I told her I did sit around watching videos but that I wasn't depressed. I told her that I'd like a sweetheart but that I didn't know any hot girls. That I'd got myself a protege, and I was going to exploit him while teaching about how the world is full of bastards (namely by being a bastard to him).

She asked me why I couldn't be nice and help him avoid the pitfalls of growing up.

I told her that if I did this then he'd think every time he fucked up that someone would come along and help him out, whereas people normally see you making a balls up as an opportunity to sink the boot in you.

She says that's not strictly true. She said I had her and Fabian Wildman and Battle Cat to help me out and that they all get help from me, so everyone looks after each other and it's nice.

I told her that this wasn't always the case, and I spent a few lonely years just pulling myself out of scrapes or laying low until the dust settled, but that I was glad other people had my back.

She said that I should help this kid out and that he maybe needs a break.

I told her that it was the wee guy who was sticking bangers up cats arses.

"Oh?" she said. "In that case, kick him so hard in the arse you break his tailbone."

Then we drank both bottles of wine and ate the rest of the cake and Nanny Boo Boo kept telling me about ideas she had for how I could maim and damage my protege, as they came to her. Some of them were right and fucked up and I've no doubt if we'd never met and she still had Battle Cat he'd have eaten someone by now.

Hypertension, dog walking and spandex (not at the same time)

I went down to see Nanny Boo Boo tonight because Hot Baby Roy was out with Hot Firey Love Lady (shit I forgot to say that they got back together after he explained that he felt humiliated with the first beating and that he was only learning Karate to defend himself but he's been used to reading about the violence so much that both Mother of Bowling Ball and Clarence being there made him go red and he was going to open a can of whoop-ass but left the can opener at home. It worked - yay for him).

Nanny Boo Boo told me that it was going to come out sooner or later. I said I wanted it to come out later but that wee bastard let things out of the bag. Nanny Boo Boo said that I just had to let her make her own mind up about it. The wee fellah may be a dick but he might have done me a favour if it gets me some spandex love.

She said that she had been to the doctors after taking a funny turn when her and Fabian Wildman were in the garden (she said it wasn't as dramatic as she makes it sound but Fabian insisted she was going to the doctor about it). She's been told that she needs to cut back on the alcohol and cakes (even though Nanny Boo Boo is not in any way fat) and take some regular exercise.

I asked her if she'd like to take Battle Cat for a walk with me sometime. She said that she'd like that because she doesn't get to have as much time with him as she used to. She said she could even take him for walks herself because she knows that I don't have as much time as I used to now I'm at work, and I'll have even less when that girl accepts my kinky ways.

I Can Whoop Some Ass

I was going to post up the funny crap inside The Suicide Diaries but instead I went for a walk with a nice bottle of pink champaigne down the Lagan Meadows. I should really describe the Lagan Meadows to some of you after all this time. It starts in Stranmillis in South Belfast and cuts an upside down V all the way out to Lisburn (not a fucking) City. It's great because it feels like you've walked for miles out into the countryside but you're never really further than a mile away from some houses.

So there I was down there when I ran into Rock and Roll Stephen, he was balling his eyes out and saying that The Indie Kid leaving was like Pete and Carl going their seperate ways.

I said that he'd be happier wanking off cows, he was a country boy really and all this roley smoking posturing was fucking him up. He didn't know how to do one and now he can't remember how to do the other.

He told me I better get out of here because an enemy was on the way. He fixed me a steely stare and spat on the ground.

Suddenly Clarence Pishflap and the Unicorn Girl came into view.

"Hello Clarence Pishflap and The Unicorn Girl," I said.

The Unicorn Girl gave me a big hug and called me the truster of poems. Clarence growled. I asked him if he was still wanting to beat Hot Baby Roy up and he said that he was going to meet up with him at a later date and knuckles were going to bleed.

"My knuckles will bleed," he screamed before falling to the ground screaming.

"Stop acting like a fucking wanker," The Unicorn Girl shouted at him. "I've told you it doesn't fucking impress me."

She stormed off up the path, he stood up and ran after her shouting apologies.

Rock and Roll Stephen laughed. It was nice to see him happy. He laughed as he walked down into the meadows singing Libertines songs to himself. I don't think he'll miss The Indie Kid all that much.

A Rotten Fucking Set Up

Yesterday was the budget and I'm not sure about what it holds for Northern Ireland. All I know is that we're so dependent on the mainland that if there's cuts we're fucked in some way. I no longer think David Cameron doesn't care if his wife doesn't cum. I think he does, I don't know. All I know is that I think George Osborne doesn't care. He might not even be able to get it up. I told myself I wasn't going to cry but I did. I did so much.

There's a lot of talk about cutting benefits. If you cut money from the poor they will turn to crime. That's all I do know.

Nanny Boo Boo called me to ask if I wanted to come down to her house for a piss up. I jumped at the chance. She said to bring Battle Cat because she hadn't seen him in ages. She even said to bring down Hot Baby Roy because she felt bad about not coming to his birthday and no one should be on their own at their birthday.

We marched down to Stranmillis, me, the mutt, Hot Baby Roy and Hot Firey Love Lady (don't ask). We started the booze before we got there and I felt like the leader of a gang. I thought I might bump into my protege but the streets were clear. When I reached Nanny Boo Boo's the lights were out. I knocked on the door and she answered it looking a bit edgy.

She ushered us in and I saw that there was a big cake on the table and a banner on the wall saying Happy Birthday.

"Keep quiet," she said as she ushered us into the living room. "He's nearly here."

It was too late to leave and I only just clocked that she was throwing a party for Fabian Wildman. I nearly stormed out but she gave me a look like she was only trying to be nice. I know she thinks we should be mates again but I don't like the ballbag any more.

Then the door went.

Nanny Boo Boo answered it and her and him came into the livingroom.

She started singing happy birthday and the rest of us joined in half heartedly.

He looked happy to see us but then again he looked like he was back on crack with his scrawny scruffy giggling dirty way. He came up and started talking eagerly to me about how it was good to see me again and all that. He was so happy to see Battle Cat. I hoped Battle Cat would bite him but he offered his paw.

Fabian is such a mess nowadays. He told me pretty quickly he was back on crack and that he's living with this guy who catches birds and murders them. He doesn't like it but not many people want to live with a crackhead.

He went to talk to Hot Baby Roy and I had a chance to say to Nanny Boo Boo that she should have told me what she'd planned.

"Please stay for a bit, it'll do him good to see you," she kept saying.

I stayed for a few drinks but I really didn't want to see the rotten bastard. Hot Baby Roy was all happy to be showing off that he'd a girlfriend and Fabian was trying to work some of his old charm on her but she was having none of it. I bet he even wanked in his hair before he came here.

I hate being set up.

Still Just Me and Hot Baby Roy for his Party

I went down to visit Nanny Boo Boo today to ask if she wanted to go to Hot Baby Roy's party and she said that she didn't. She tried to be nice about it but she gave me a bottle of vodka and said to say happy birthday to him for her.

At least she gave him something which is more than I'll do. I've no money and I'm scared of going on the rob. I think I've lost my nerve for it but I have to get him something.

I asked her when her birthday was and she said that it had been last year when she went to London. I asked her why didn't she tell me and she said that if she had I'd have asked her her age and we'd have fallen out but she knows I'd have said happy birthday and then we drunk loads and forgot about it.

Fine Wine in the Summertime

With the lovely sun out yesterday me and Battle Cat went for a nice big walk down the Lagan Meadows and called into Nanny Boo Boos on the way back, Nanny Boo Boo was sitting pished off her face in the back garden.

She told me that My Protege has turned into a responsible young man and has been doing nice chores for her like keeping the garden tidy and trimmed and she buys his drink for him at the Winemark.

She also said that Fabian Wildman had been calling round and that he was saying he felt bad about acting the dick when he moved out. She said that she thinks Fabian is smoking the bad stuff again and she doesn't mean tea. She said that he's all bug eyed and has holes in his shoes and that only the other week he was telling her that he'd been dancing on the street hoping to get money but that he only managed 50p and that wasn't enough, and then he stopped before he said too much.

I told her that I thought Fabian was cyclicle with his addictions and that I'm sure he'll stop the crack soon enough.

She said that we were always good mates and that I should forgive and forget. I'm not convinced. The only thing he's gotten in touch about is collecting some socks.

I told her he has my number and that he knows where I live if he wants to get in touch and she said that she thinks he's too proud. I told her people with holes in their shoes don't have room for pride.

She stopped talking about it then because neither of us want to have an arguement, she brought out a big bottle of red wine and I got pished and boked all the way home, nearly a good day.

A wee boke not far from Nanny Boo Boo's.

Gerard Taggart is a Thieving Bastard

Hot Baby Roy was sitting in tears at the kitchen table today. He said he'd been back to his old house to collect some nifty housing benefit cheques but there was none there. He had to go down to the housing benefit office to find out where they were. He was told that they had been sent out and that their records showed they had been cashed by a man called Gerard Taggart who had presented ID saying Hot Baby Roy allowed him to cash it.

Hot Baby Roy was furious and said that he hadn't given anyone his ID. It turned out this Gerard Taggart had only presented ID that said he was Gerard Taggart.

Hot Baby Roy was told he had to go to the cops and get a crime number and then he'd be able to get his money paid to him.

By the time Hot Baby Roy had all this the Housing Executive was closed so he now has to wait until Monday to get his money back.

I told him that this Gerard Taggart bastard once stole my housing benefit cheques back when I lived on a bedsit on the Lisburn Road. He's an old fucker in his fifties, looks like Nick O'Teen and has a face like a melted candle.

I told Hot Baby Roy I could point him out to him, he hangs around the Lisburn Road and Botanic Avenue in the early morning.

One time I followed him to Stranmillis but he sussed I was following him and hid in a phonebox. When I clocked where he was he bolted and I didn't see him again for months. If you read this and know him or where he is, tell people to watch him. He's a theiving bastard.

Tuesday Kid The Teacher - The Final Lesson

I was about to leave the house last night with my bottle of pink champaigne when the door went.

Standing outside looking worried and more haggard than a sixteen year old should was My Protege. I wondered if he was now on crack like I had been and I was wary of weapons he might be carrying.

"This is for you, can I come in? It's so cold," he said reaching out a Terrence Ternt D'arby CD to me. "I know all the gays like him."

I invited him in and told him that I wasn't gay and hadn't heard of Terrence Trent D'arby but I'd give it a listen. With song titles like Let Her Down Easy I'm in no rush.

He said that he'd been trying to change his ways since our last talk and he was sorry about what he did with the book I gave him but he had to act cool infront of his mates but he was trying to find new mates to be cool with, till that day he had to walk the thin line between how to be cool and how to true.

He tried to pull a profound face and I didn't want to tell him that to be true is to be cool. That would be my final lesson but it's one he should be taught by life, not by me.

I told him to go round to see Nanny Boo Boo because him and his gang had upset her with their wild boy behaviour. He said he would, I told him I'd be calling by from time to time.

He wandered off into the night to someday lick the bowl.

Bottle of Pink Champaigne for My Lonely Travels

Last night I took my bottle of pink champaigne and went down to the Lagan Meadows, I wandered far, farther than I've gone with Battle Cat, out past Drumbeg.

I was lonely drunk, crying sporadically and shouting out insults because I knew no one could hear me, only the occasional bat flew past my face.

Then the bottle emptied and I knew it was a long walk back to Stranmillis for more, I could hear people down the meadows all the way back, people in the distance laughing, or the odd shout between friends, but all the miles I never met anyone. I never met anyone.

On The Day That JD Salinger Died

Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo are on the huff since I stopped them making dicks out of themselves in front of the Leotard Girl, no sweat guys. You're fucking welcome.

Anyways I took myself off down to Stranmillis because I've got to sort out My Protege, Nanny Boo Boo says he was up shouting out the front of her house and she told him to go away. He told her to suck his balls and she told him she would when they dropped. Then he burst into tears and ran away screaming.

I told her I would twist his balls for him, but I won't.

I'm going to give him one last chance to not be a dick and if he doesn't take it he's in trouble.

I found him outside Cutters Wharf human beatboxing. When he saw me coming he started screaming:

"He's gay! He's gay! He wears women's clothes!"

There weren't any passers by so no one but me gave a fuck.

I walked up to him and put my copy of Catcher in the Rye in his hands and told him all about JD Salinger being dead and how this was the book for him. This was my next lesson.

He took it and kicked it into the River Lagan.

I told him there and then that I was going to do something really nasty to him but I wasn't going to do it now, I wasn't going to tell him when, it might be soon or I might wait a few years but either way at some point I was going to do something really fucking nasty and when I did it he'd know that he deserved it for being a wee ballbag.

He screamed and ran away. I pinged a stone after him and it hit him on the head and he fell on his hoop with another scream. That isn't the nasty thing, and to be honest it's not even a taster. He's in trouble.

My Protege has Gone Astray

Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo are huffing with each other over who's doing which part of the Anfield Rap, so I took myself to fuck out the house and went down with Battle Cat to see Nanny Boo Boo.

She brought out a big plate of buns for us and me and Battle Cat wolfed down the lot over a cup of tea.

She says that Fabian Wildman called in to see her the other week and he was asking after me, I didn't ask her too much about it and she didn't go on with it.

She says that My Protege has turned into a right stupid wee bastard, all out trying to act the cool hard man, and his wee gang try to get him to due stupid stuff and he's stupid enough not to even question it.

He's been running round baring his arse at cars, shoplifting flowers and stealing wine and cider from tramps.

I told her that I'd do something about it, but I'm not sure what. I don't want to just give him a good kicking. He needs to be taught a lesson.

Cleaning up Bad Stranmillis

I went down to see Nanny Boo Boo today. It seems that My Protege has turned into a right wee shite and is turning Stranmillis into a violent ghetto. I told her that it's time I took to the streets and kicked his ass Equalizer style.

I went and found the bozos he hangs with. Nanny Boo Boo says he shoots dope with them. I grabbed one of them by the arm and pointed at the track marks.

"Get clean, you flithy bastard."

I nutted the bozo in the face and asked where My Protege was. A girl said that he was in hiding from my big gay ways.

I kissed her passionately so she knew what thug passion was running in my viens.

She burst into tears and said she hopes she didn't catch STDs from me, her running with her dope shooting pals.

I told her I didn't have the STDS and I wasn't going to let them turn Stranmillis into a bad dope den.

My Protege Teaches Me

I took the Death Owl's money and went and bought a bottle of wine and sat down at the Lagan Lookout at Stranmillis.

I couldn't believe I was here on my own, with no job and pish all money. How the fuck had this happened?

How had I not found a job? or why wasn't I living somewhere nice? Or had a girlfriend? Cunts like the Death Owl seemed to be winning why I was a busted loser.

My protege came and found me. He told me he wanted a new lesson.

I asked him what could I teach him? In truth I'm a terrible teacher, and that's usually okay for my terrible students (he's not the first I've given knowledge to) but it wasn't okay for him.

He told me he thought I was badass and that he could learn how to be cool from my coolness and he knows that I've made mistakes and that's cool because he wants to learn from them too.

"Okay," I said. "Here's your last lesson: do as I say, not as I do," then I boked all over myself and burst into tears.

He gave me a hug and told me I was a great role model because I taught him that it was okay to cry if you were a badass.

A big snotter came out my nose. He didn't mention that.

Tuesday Kid the Teacher - Another Lesson

The post brought me two letters, both interviews for jobs I've applied for. Both call centre shit but I can do the training and fuck off before I have to start the post.

My protege was waiting for me in Stranmillis today. I was glad to see him because I was eager to undo any damage meeting Hot Baby Roy might have done. I shouldn't have been worried.

"That guy was a wanker," my Protege said.

"He can be okay," I said, "try not to become like him."

"I won't I've got you teaching me how to be the coolest," he said (thereabouts). "Last night I was getting pished with my mates and we kicked fuck out of someone. Just some dick who was walking around minding his own business."

I hit him a boot up the hole.

"What the fuck was that for?" he said.

I dug him in the guts.

"There, you don't like getting beat up for fuck all," I said. "Neither did he, that's today's lesson."

"We gave him a worse kicking than that," he said.

Then I put him in a head lock and gave him a duck egg. He ran away crying.

Tuesday Kid Brings Knowledge to the Streets

After the other day I decided it's time I took more interest into my Protege. I don't want him to become another version of me. I want him to be better.

I went down Stranmillis to find him and ran into Hot Baby Roy.

"This is a bit out of your stomping ground," I said.

"Not at all," said Hot Baby Roy. "The joggers, the fine athletic wear on the nice women here."

I told him that someone would twist his balls if they caught him perving. He snorted and said that he could take care of himself.

I told him that the joggers didn't take too kindly to being leered at.

Then my protege came along and said that he needed another lesson.

Hot Baby Roy said. "Tell girls a fake name, but one that sounds similar to your real name, so you can say they misheard if you like them."

"Hot Baby Roy stop corrupting him. I'm teaching him knowledge to get him off the streets."

Hot Baby Roy looked all shocked.

"Tell him how to get his hole and he'll be fine, he'll work out the rest if he needs to," he said.

Then he went off to perv at jogger ladies.

I turned to my protege and said, "if you ever find yourself in the company of ginger people, make your excuses and run before they learn your name."

Tuesday Kid The Teacher - Lesson Number 3

After Spitboke stopped crying she left. She did give me her number and I think I'm going to call her but I don't hold out much hope for it. It's probably the flirt divert. I used to phone it sometimes when I was bored and leave sappy messages that bordered on unhinged, in the hope of getting on the radio but then I got paranoid that the cops would be tracking my number so I changed it. This better not happen again.

I went for a walk down to Stranmillis because I think it's time I had it out with my protege. What can he possibly learn from me other than not to do the things I've done?

I eventually found him with some of his mates. He said they were going to go and smash some windows. Then it hit me. He was about to make all the mistakes I've already made.

I told him that smashing windows was fun but that someday he'll smash the wrong windows and get his legs broke. He said it was okay because they only broke old people's windows. I hit him a clash in the face and told him that I'd a friend who was old that lived in Stranmillis and if he smashed her windows he'd get his legs broke by me.

"You see, I said to him, lesson number three: You can't judge people by who you think they are. E.g just because someone is old doesn't mean there isn't a hard bastard brimming with thug passion standing behind them with a baseball bat."

One of his spidey mates said: "Tuesday Kid's got knowledge."

I was so proud. I felt like Furious in Boyz in the Hood.

Lessons of Life No 2

Nanny Boo Boo gets back today so I went down yesterday with Battle Cat to make sure the place is nice and tidy and none of the flowers were dead (they weren't - I did a good job).

So I was well chuffed with myself and went on down the Lagan Meadows with Battle Cat. It was chilly and we hadn't got enough clothes on us (or I didn't, he walks around naked).

We were walking back up to Stranmillis when I found my protege writing "Fuck the police" on a bench.

I asked him was he ready for his second lesson.

He said yes.

I asked him if he'd learned the first.

He said the first was not to trust people.

I said no. The first lesson was that people won't do something for nothing. I'm teaching him about the lessons of life so I want paid for this.

I then asked him was he ready for lesson two.

He said yes again.

I told him if he finds two quid spend one on flowers and the other on food.

He looked confused. I was a bit too, it was something I read online a few days ago I don't really know what it means.

Looking after Nanny Boo Boo's Place

Today I thought it was about time I cheered up. So I went and got a lend of Mr Spoon's lawnmower. Not because I wanted to mow my lawn but because I wanted to huff the petrol out of it. Only the rotten old bastard never told me there wasn't any in it. So I just waited a few hours and gave it back to him (after breaking the blades) and telling him he'd broken blades and I couldn't use it.

He looked pissed off but then again so was I, so fuck him.

I took Battle Cat down for a walk to Nanny Boo Boo's because she's gone to stay with her nephew in London for the week and asked me to water her plants. I let myself in and found a big bowl of sausages and a note saying "help yourself to wine". I got pished on her wine and listened to her LPs. This one is fucking rocking, it reminds me of Jive Bunny:

Fabian Leaves

Fabian Wildman left this morning. Stanley came round in his car and they shifted their stuff. It was gruesome. He didn't even knock my door to ask for help. I was still pissed off at him for how the party ended. In the end I went down to say goodbye. He said he'd call by and we would still hang out but I think he was lying.

When he went I found that the book I'd stolen for him was left on the coffee table. I was pissed off. I took it into the back yard and let Battle Cat piss on it. Then me and him went down to see Nanny Boo Boo. She asked how the party went. I lied and told her it was a swell affair.

She asked if I'd someone to move in. I told her I wanted to live on my own for a bit. I didn't like living with strangers. She nodded and said that at least I'd Battle Cat to keep me company.

"Aye, he's not much of a conversationalist, are you boy?" I said to him.

He thumped his tail off the ground and kept eating the bowl of scraps Nanny Boo Boo had saved for him.

Then she went in and stuck this tune on and we just sat drinking wine. I was so pished at the end of it all Battle Cat had to walk me home.

Fabian Finds a Place

Fabian Wildman's found a place. He's moving in with Betty Blue and her arty pals. This sucks because I know I'm going to have Hot Baby Roy move in, and he's an okay guy but it's just that I know we'll sit about the house watching wanking movies all day, and I was thinking of sorting myself out.

Fabian says we'll still hang out but we've been hanging out less and less these days. I'll try.

I went down to Stranmillis find my protege. I was going to teach him his second lesson but he was nowhere to be seen. I sat down the Lagan Meadows getting trashed on cheap wine and feeding the ducks, but they fucked off when the bread ran out. Why am I always left on my own? How come everyone else always finds a place to go?