Bottle of Pink Champaigne for My Lonely Travels

Last night I took my bottle of pink champaigne and went down to the Lagan Meadows, I wandered far, farther than I've gone with Battle Cat, out past Drumbeg.

I was lonely drunk, crying sporadically and shouting out insults because I knew no one could hear me, only the occasional bat flew past my face.

Then the bottle emptied and I knew it was a long walk back to Stranmillis for more, I could hear people down the meadows all the way back, people in the distance laughing, or the odd shout between friends, but all the miles I never met anyone. I never met anyone.

What is it With Sex?

Seriously like, what the fuck? I've lived in this house for years and barely get a shag the whole time, Hot Baby Roy has lived her about a month and he's about to shag one of the hottest neighbours who's ever lived here? How can this be? He's ginger and reads Barely Legal/Shaved.

Then there's work. I'm about to get the boot because some Dwarven Sex Pest can't just go to the toilets and wank about a twelve foot amazon in peace. I'll go into the specifics another time but he sat in HR crying today while his severe eyed mother patted his hand.

And what about wanking? When the frost and snow thaw it'll still be white outside my house. I... No, wait that's enough for today.

Talking Street Drinking and Missing Cool Partys

Hot Baby Roy left for the party looking cool last night and I sat in with Wino Jo, who was in a wile state thinking he was back on the drink. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I'd beat him up in his sleep.

Hot Baby Roy was spurting all this shite about spandex and making fetish videos with the Leotard Girls once he had one or more of them for a girlfriend. It was not fucking fair. He's going to ruin our chances with them when he lets his drooling hard on do the talking, bastard.

I told him that I wasn't going to save him if some big musclebound lughead beats him up.

He went away saying I'd thank him for it when I saw it working.

Hot Baby Roy heard the loud music coming from next door a bit later and he asked what was happening.

I told him there was a party and we'd been invited if he wanted to go. He said that he'd probably make a dick out of me if he went there and got drunk.

I told him Hot Baby Roy was probably already doing that for me.

I took him for a walk into the city centre because I couldn't hack him sitting round the house in the state he was in. I thought it would make him calm down a bit.

This made him worse, he kept seeing all the tramps and saying "there's where I'll end up."

I the end I stopped outside a pub and told him that I'd go in with him and make sure he didn't drink. I wouldn't drink either.

He was scared to go in but I told him that I'd look after him.

He agreed that he'd go in for a coca-cola.

When we went in there was live music playing and he sat and talked to me about how the music was decent and I told him that he needed to learn to let other people do what they wanted and that it was okay if other people have different tastes.

He said that he had a right to say if things were bad. I told him he did but sometimes you just have to let things go and let other people do whatever is making them happy.

He said that was a fair point and said that he wouldn't stab Hot Baby Roy. We drank our mineral and went home.

He seemed calmer and he went for a walk earlier when Hot Baby Roy stuck on a mucky DVD.

Hot Baby Roy isn't talking about the party but he has a black eye and came home in tears last night. I'll get to the bottom soon enough.

Hungry for Love and Crack

So this morning I called in sick to work. I'm not enjoying it and I spend the weekends doing everything that I had to put off during the week. Plus with working Monday to Friday (my training lot are going to be put on shift patterns next week so that we'll be working some weekends and some late nights, with weekdays and mornings off) I've missed out on things like going to the bank to scrounge money. I want an overdraft and a credit card that I'm going to max out and change address when they ask for the money back.

Hot Baby Roy was all twitchy this morning and asked me if I ever fancied going back on crack. I told him no, even though I get tempted (now more than in the past). I told him that all I needed was a few felt tips once in a while and just enough whiskey to make me boke in my mouth and leave that smokey aftertaste.

He said he gets tempted, though what he really wants is true love. I told him that true love doesn't exist outside of his DVDs. He pulled a face like a child who has been told they're not getting that gift you promised them.

Then he said he had something in his eye and ran upstairs to the bathroom. I heard some sobbing through the door and he had a big red face when he came out.

He asked me if we could have a party and invite the Leotard Girls. I told him maybe. He smiled a bit but he'd big bloodshot eyes and a look that said he was hungry for love.

We Like The Cars The Cars That Go Boom

The metaller girl was up by the time I got up this morning. She looked frightened. I asked her what the matter was. She said that she'd boked in her sleep and it was all over the bed and she was scared that I'd be angry. I took a look at it and it wasn't all my spitboke.

I laughed and said that I'd be putting the sheets in the wash later and it was no bother. She still looked really worried.

I asked her if she wanted some breakfast. She said yes. I went down to see what was in the cupboard there was fuck all so I told her I was off to the shop. I went and got some great breakfast stuff.

When I got back from the shop Battle Cat had really worked his puppy magic and she'd made friends with him.

I wanted to ask her how come her and her mate like to hang out with guys like Good King Thumpo but I didn't want to turn this into an interogation.

She asked if I played football. I told her no and she burst into tears.

I didn't understand why, that's not the first time that's happened to me.

Good King Thumpo Can Get a Shag?

Hot Baby Roy went home yesterday. He took Wild Child with him still unwatched. I think it's his favourite film. He left the others lying scattered on the floor. I came downstairs to find Battle Cat chewing the S Club 7 box. I took it from him and he barked angrily. I'd forgotten he was in the room when Hot Baby Roy stuck it on.

"Don't give me any of your cheek wee lad," I said to him and he wandered off into the kitchen.

I went for a day on the rob because I was pissed off at being skint. There's no fucking jobs anywhere. I applied for an admin one the other day and haven't heard fuck all back. I ran into Good King Thumpo who was bragging about some doll he pulled in Laverys the other night, "a wee rocker chick," he kept saying. He was nearly crying he was that happy.

"I love heavy head girls, pure leathal! Unless their into that voodoo shite, I went out with a doll who was and she was a fucking head wrecker. I love the oul heavy stuff though, see when you come home at night with your head roared, Megadeth! Fucking Megadeth! Tell the neighbours to fuck aff it's time for Megadeth!"

Then he did some air guitar and talked about how Dave Mustane was a big ginger bastard. Then I remembered that the voodoo chick he was talking about was Hooka.

I imagined them slam dancing to Megadeth and felt a tear run down my cheek. How can Good King Thumpo get lucky? He's fucking covered in tattoos. It's a good tactic though it detracts from him going bald.

Happy St. Patrick's day

Last night being St. Patricks there was a party on at the sweaty metallers' house and the whole street was invited except for me and Fabian Wildman. He doesn't really care though because he's fast turning into some low rent Ian Beale. It's bollocks.

I decided not to go round and trash the party so instead I got me a few cans and went down along the Lagan Meadows for a melancholy day. I hadn't gone far when I spotted a torn page lying on the ground.

Dear Diary

Today most totally rocked. I was at a party and all the gang were there. Julie, Peter, Chris, Cathy and Simon. That total bitch Cathy was there and she had been a total bitch about me pissing myself in her dad's taxi when I was drunk, everyone laughed at me and they weren't really talking much. I didn't like it. Chris threw himself down the stairs in an attempt to look cool (as if) and it almost worked until he broke his wrist (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) and he went to causalty in tears. What a wanker? Eh, Peter and Julie had a big fight and Simon started boking all over himself in the middle of it, we all have a good laugh. I called him a fat wanker but nobody laughed. I wanted to go out and make fun of him but Julie started to cry. Peter left the house in a bad mood and I got to give her a big hug.

I wish he was you, she kept saying. The back of my forearm rubbed against her breast.



there it all ended. I wondered who wrote it. Anyways I almost didn't notice a girl sitting beside me on the bench crying.

I asked her what was wrong and she spoke with an American accent. She said she had come here because she wanted to do St Patricks in Ireland, and when she found cheap deals for Belfast she just thought that was the Protestant name for Dublin. She was staying in the International Hostel on the Donegal Road and she thought it looked nice but that there was rioting outside and all these people spitting at her and saying mean stuff about the Pope. I took her in my arms and rocked her gently. Then I took her back to my house for a hot fuck. She left at 5am to get a plane back to the states. After the hot love I gave her I bet she could just fly there herself on the intensity of an orgasm.