Yesterday was my Fruitarian Brother's birthday party, and like those of you who read this will no I haven't really seen much of them this year (except Wino Jo - who I used to live with.)
He was in good form. He's off the drink now and he seems not to be telling people what to do or how to do it anymore. He asked how Hot Baby Roy was and when I told him that he was seeing Hot Firey Love Lady he laughed his ass off and said that he bet she was an ugly monster and that he knew Hot Baby Roy didn't stand a chance with the Raven Princess Spandex. I told him he didn't stand a chance with Princess Cheetara either, and that the Leotard Girls were annoying as fuck and do nothing but hold big milbag parties that spill out onto the street fighting.
He says that never bothered him because he has a wee rock and roll step that Foosted Wotsit Head showed him. I asked if he'd heard from Foosted Wotsit Head and he shrugged.
My metaller brother was in good form and just talking about work and the new Iron Maiden album. The Hot Shot Banker was missing because he's living in Switzerland now (lucky bastard) and the Fruitarian was there with all his hippy mates.
I bought him a baby apple tree that he can grow and get apples from when he's in a fruitarian mode.
Some of his hippy mates had guitars and they started playing lame hippy stuff that went:
"Bumble bee, don't sting me,
we are friends, make honey."
Repeat until you have forgotten what you were doing before the song started. I hated it but clapped politely. Then ran like fuck.
Showing posts with label the raven princess spandex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the raven princess spandex. Show all posts
Monday, 23 August 2010
Sunday, 27 June 2010
Hot Firey Love Lady Violence
I didn't tell Hot Baby Roy about The Raven Princess Spandex wanting to see him. He reads my blog sometimes so he might find out anyway. I'm not telling him though.
I asked him if he had been at Hot Firey Love Lady's house. He said yes. I asked him if Mother of Bowling Ball had been kicked out. He said no. Mother of Bowling Ball had said that it was just a silly drunken argument that got out of hand and everyone let him stay. I told him if he gave me the address I'd go round and kick fuck out of him. He said no, that Hot Firey Love Lady detests violence and she's going to talk the other people in her house round to kicking Mother of Bowling Ball out. I told him that's a form of violence in itself. He said that he was going to learn kung-fu and embarrass him in front of members of the fairer sex, just to show him how bad it felt. Then he opened a packet of ginger nuts and ate them in five minutes flat.
I asked him if he had been at Hot Firey Love Lady's house. He said yes. I asked him if Mother of Bowling Ball had been kicked out. He said no. Mother of Bowling Ball had said that it was just a silly drunken argument that got out of hand and everyone let him stay. I told him if he gave me the address I'd go round and kick fuck out of him. He said no, that Hot Firey Love Lady detests violence and she's going to talk the other people in her house round to kicking Mother of Bowling Ball out. I told him that's a form of violence in itself. He said that he was going to learn kung-fu and embarrass him in front of members of the fairer sex, just to show him how bad it felt. Then he opened a packet of ginger nuts and ate them in five minutes flat.
Saturday, 26 June 2010
Twisty Faced Bint
Everyone is having fun but me. Hot Baby Roy is off round the town with Gingerella stretching his dole out like a Mr Stretch doll or a turkey's neck, or Gingerella has money and she's spending it on him. How does that lucky bastard get this and not me.
On the plus side The Raven Princess Spandex called round today asking if Hot Baby Roy was in. I told her that Hot Baby Roy was out with his new girlfriend Hot Firey Love Lady. And The Raven Princess Spandex twisted her face up like she was doing a bad impression of a chinese person. She said that she'd seen some girl round here who wasn't very pretty. I told her Hot Baby Roy was very happy with her. She said to tell him she called.
I said I would but the last thing I'm doing is let her try and get her claws into him. I know I've said some mean things about Gingerella but I think she's better for him than The Raven Princess Spandex would be. She only wants to get him interested again because she misses the attention.
On the plus side The Raven Princess Spandex called round today asking if Hot Baby Roy was in. I told her that Hot Baby Roy was out with his new girlfriend Hot Firey Love Lady. And The Raven Princess Spandex twisted her face up like she was doing a bad impression of a chinese person. She said that she'd seen some girl round here who wasn't very pretty. I told her Hot Baby Roy was very happy with her. She said to tell him she called.
I said I would but the last thing I'm doing is let her try and get her claws into him. I know I've said some mean things about Gingerella but I think she's better for him than The Raven Princess Spandex would be. She only wants to get him interested again because she misses the attention.
Friday, 21 May 2010
"It's My Birthday So You Have To Sleep With Me"
So Hot Baby Roy's been getting all excited and asking me who I'm inviting to his party. I know he thinks the Leotard Girls are top of the list and that he's going to get a "it's my birthday you have to sleep with me" fuck off the Raven Princess Spandex but it's not going to happen. Even before I went next door to invite them I knew they weren't coming.
So I get invited in and The Raven Princess Spandex is saying that she likes Hot Baby Roy but that he hit Rock and Roll Stephen and she thought that was mean, even though it was one of her spidey fucker friends that knocked Rock and Roll Stephen's teeth out. She says she knows but that things are different now and she's been hanging out with him and she likes him and that Hot Baby Roy is in a bad place and blah blah blah. She's into Rock and Roll Stephen and Hot Baby Roy can go and fuck basically. I knew this was going to happen, basically because Rock and Roll Stephen is a good looking guy and Hot Baby Roy isn't. That's not a dig at gingers, he just isn't handsome and doesn't carry himself in a way that makes girls want him.
That basically leaves the list at me, him and Battle Cat.
I asked the Raven Princess Spandex if The Death Owl had shown up again and she said that her and Princess Cheetara had just made it up because Rock and Roll Stephen had told her about how I was scared of the Death Owl and used to fancy the girl that lived here and she had to move away because I was always following her around.
Fuck them.
So I get invited in and The Raven Princess Spandex is saying that she likes Hot Baby Roy but that he hit Rock and Roll Stephen and she thought that was mean, even though it was one of her spidey fucker friends that knocked Rock and Roll Stephen's teeth out. She says she knows but that things are different now and she's been hanging out with him and she likes him and that Hot Baby Roy is in a bad place and blah blah blah. She's into Rock and Roll Stephen and Hot Baby Roy can go and fuck basically. I knew this was going to happen, basically because Rock and Roll Stephen is a good looking guy and Hot Baby Roy isn't. That's not a dig at gingers, he just isn't handsome and doesn't carry himself in a way that makes girls want him.
That basically leaves the list at me, him and Battle Cat.
I asked the Raven Princess Spandex if The Death Owl had shown up again and she said that her and Princess Cheetara had just made it up because Rock and Roll Stephen had told her about how I was scared of the Death Owl and used to fancy the girl that lived here and she had to move away because I was always following her around.
Fuck them.
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
Threats from Occult Forces
Yesterday was when I had that conversation with Hot Baby Roy about us stopping crack. He was really disappointed and said that he'd been planning some good crack smoking times and he was gonna get me and him initialled pipes but I told him no way hose.
He brought out a few rocks of crack and said it'd be a shame to throw them away. I said okay then, for old times sake.
We sparked up the pipe and had a good old smoke of the crack. We were having a great time, and Hot Baby Roy said: "Wouldn't it be great if it was like this all the time?"
I thought so, but then I thought a bit harder and I saw us in about ten years time, still on the dole, wearing the clothes we were wearing then with not a tooth in our heads. I told him it would break my heart.
He said that I was killing his buzz so he was going to go and see if Hot Baby Roy on crack could have his way with The Raven Princess Spandex. I told him to remember that no-means-no because the last thing we wanted was the cops to show up when we were doing crack.
He rolled his eyes and fucked off.
Five minutes later the door went. I thought he'd forgotten his keys but when I answered it Balkazaler was standing there bearing his fangs.
"I wondered if I'd see you this week I said. You're not getting my fucking vote."
"Shut up you crackheaded fucker. What are you doing smoking that shit again?"
"I'm just having a bit for old times sake, anyway I'm bored, like it's any of your fucking business."
"Listen I'm a powerful daemon! I can see the future and you need a clear head."
"Why? Is this something to do with The Death Owl?"
"Never mind him, this is much bigger than him. You stop smoking that shit or I'll kick your balls up and out your mouth."
"I was quiting anyway after tonight. You're still not getting my vote you peeler tasched fucker."
"You're not registered to vote in East Antrim," he reminded me. Then he walked to the front door, unfurled his horned scaly wings and flew off into the night.
He brought out a few rocks of crack and said it'd be a shame to throw them away. I said okay then, for old times sake.
We sparked up the pipe and had a good old smoke of the crack. We were having a great time, and Hot Baby Roy said: "Wouldn't it be great if it was like this all the time?"
I thought so, but then I thought a bit harder and I saw us in about ten years time, still on the dole, wearing the clothes we were wearing then with not a tooth in our heads. I told him it would break my heart.
He said that I was killing his buzz so he was going to go and see if Hot Baby Roy on crack could have his way with The Raven Princess Spandex. I told him to remember that no-means-no because the last thing we wanted was the cops to show up when we were doing crack.
He rolled his eyes and fucked off.
Five minutes later the door went. I thought he'd forgotten his keys but when I answered it Balkazaler was standing there bearing his fangs.
"I wondered if I'd see you this week I said. You're not getting my fucking vote."
"Shut up you crackheaded fucker. What are you doing smoking that shit again?"
"I'm just having a bit for old times sake, anyway I'm bored, like it's any of your fucking business."
"Listen I'm a powerful daemon! I can see the future and you need a clear head."
"Why? Is this something to do with The Death Owl?"
"Never mind him, this is much bigger than him. You stop smoking that shit or I'll kick your balls up and out your mouth."
"I was quiting anyway after tonight. You're still not getting my vote you peeler tasched fucker."
"You're not registered to vote in East Antrim," he reminded me. Then he walked to the front door, unfurled his horned scaly wings and flew off into the night.
Sunday, 2 May 2010
A Victory for The Ugly Ones
Last night I wanted to have a word with Hot Baby Roy about us not doing crack anymore but he was all happy about hitting Rock and Roll Stephen. I didn't want to spoil it but then he was talking about getting a nice bit of crack for us to celebrate with.
"Why did you nut him in the face?" I asked.
"He was threatening me with muscle," Hot Baby Roy said.
"Yeah but he doesn't know muscle. And if you'd arrived earlier you'd have heard that he's not getting anywhere with The Raven Princess Spandex either."
"A load of balls, Rock and Roll Stephen is the sort of guy who always gets girls. I'm the sort of guy that girls always say 'I like you as a friend' then they sit and bitch to me when the guys they do like fuck them over, fuck that. I didn't just nut him for what he said. I nutted him for who he is, and who I've had to be all these years."
He sounded like he was getting all hysterical and I told him that I'd go round and speak to her in the morning because it sounds like she's leading the pair of them on. It's not on.
"Why did you nut him in the face?" I asked.
"He was threatening me with muscle," Hot Baby Roy said.
"Yeah but he doesn't know muscle. And if you'd arrived earlier you'd have heard that he's not getting anywhere with The Raven Princess Spandex either."
"A load of balls, Rock and Roll Stephen is the sort of guy who always gets girls. I'm the sort of guy that girls always say 'I like you as a friend' then they sit and bitch to me when the guys they do like fuck them over, fuck that. I didn't just nut him for what he said. I nutted him for who he is, and who I've had to be all these years."
He sounded like he was getting all hysterical and I told him that I'd go round and speak to her in the morning because it sounds like she's leading the pair of them on. It's not on.
Saturday, 1 May 2010
No Romance For Anyone
Balkazaler didn't show last night, so I sat there cracked off my face giggling and feeling all happy when the door went. Here we go, I thought to myself getting ready to ask all these important questions but when I answered the door it was Rock and Roll Stephen looking for Hot Baby Roy.
"He's not in," I said. "No offence but I'm expecting someone."
Rock and Roll Stephen blustered on in all wet round the eyes.
"Tell him to stay away from The Raven Princess Spandex, he's ruining my chances. I've a strategy all worked out but she says she doesn't want to hurt Hot Baby Roy. He should go and get himself a troll or some rough thing more his league."
"That's not fair," I said. "Hot Baby Roy can make moves if he wants to, you just need to up your game, if she means that much to you."
He kind of stood there and shrugged and didn't really have an answer.
"She doesn't, okay?" he said eventually, "but Hot Baby Roy has no chance, he's just trying to spoil mine."
Battle Cat started growing at him. He's became good mates with Hot Baby Roy recently.
"She thinks of him as some sort of androgynus BFF," he said.
"No offence like but coming from someone who perms his hair and wears his mum's clothes you're hardly Butch Rambo yourself."
He jumped up and down on the spot and started shouting.
"Just tell him to stay away, he'll regret it. I know muscle."
Just then Hot Baby Roy appeared in the doorway, Rock and Roll Stephen turned to catch his eye all too late as Hot Baby Roy headbutted him in the face and he collapsed screaming. Battle Cat strolled casually over to him and pissed on him. Then Rock and Roll Stephen crawled weeping out of the house.
"He's not in," I said. "No offence but I'm expecting someone."
Rock and Roll Stephen blustered on in all wet round the eyes.
"Tell him to stay away from The Raven Princess Spandex, he's ruining my chances. I've a strategy all worked out but she says she doesn't want to hurt Hot Baby Roy. He should go and get himself a troll or some rough thing more his league."
"That's not fair," I said. "Hot Baby Roy can make moves if he wants to, you just need to up your game, if she means that much to you."
He kind of stood there and shrugged and didn't really have an answer.
"She doesn't, okay?" he said eventually, "but Hot Baby Roy has no chance, he's just trying to spoil mine."
Battle Cat started growing at him. He's became good mates with Hot Baby Roy recently.
"She thinks of him as some sort of androgynus BFF," he said.
"No offence like but coming from someone who perms his hair and wears his mum's clothes you're hardly Butch Rambo yourself."
He jumped up and down on the spot and started shouting.
"Just tell him to stay away, he'll regret it. I know muscle."
Just then Hot Baby Roy appeared in the doorway, Rock and Roll Stephen turned to catch his eye all too late as Hot Baby Roy headbutted him in the face and he collapsed screaming. Battle Cat strolled casually over to him and pissed on him. Then Rock and Roll Stephen crawled weeping out of the house.
Friday, 30 April 2010
An Old Enemy Returns
This morning I went twitching out to put the bin out. The Raven Princess Spandex was standing out in the alley too, just standing there with a big white terrified face on her.
"You're very pale without your make-up on," I said giving her a dig for Hot Baby Roy, even if it was his own stupid fault he was knocked back.
"I'm still hot like butter on a scone," she said. Then she pulled a face like she knew it hadn't sounded as cool/sexy/whatever as she'd hoped.
"Yes you are," I nodded to spare the poor lady's embarrasment.
"Who used to live in this house before me and Princess Cheetara?"
"A couple of sweaty heavy metal rock and rollers."
"Were they into devil worship?"
"Not them, there were some satanists lived there before that, they once killed a goat in there as a sacrifice to satan."
Her mouth fell open and she started trembling.
"It's okay, they were harmless enough."
"This creepy bastard in a grim reaper cloak came to our door the other night and said that we had a very powerful 'grimoire' in our attic."
"The Death Owl."
"That's his name, that's his name," she started to cry and I gave her a hug.
"Listen leave it with me, I know him and I'm not scared of him. I'll find out what's going on. Don't worry about it."
I went back in the house and I'm going to light up the crack pipe. Hopefully Balkazaler will show up and tell me what's going on.
"You're very pale without your make-up on," I said giving her a dig for Hot Baby Roy, even if it was his own stupid fault he was knocked back.
"I'm still hot like butter on a scone," she said. Then she pulled a face like she knew it hadn't sounded as cool/sexy/whatever as she'd hoped.
"Yes you are," I nodded to spare the poor lady's embarrasment.
"Who used to live in this house before me and Princess Cheetara?"
"A couple of sweaty heavy metal rock and rollers."
"Were they into devil worship?"
"Not them, there were some satanists lived there before that, they once killed a goat in there as a sacrifice to satan."
Her mouth fell open and she started trembling.
"It's okay, they were harmless enough."
"This creepy bastard in a grim reaper cloak came to our door the other night and said that we had a very powerful 'grimoire' in our attic."
"The Death Owl."
"That's his name, that's his name," she started to cry and I gave her a hug.
"Listen leave it with me, I know him and I'm not scared of him. I'll find out what's going on. Don't worry about it."
I went back in the house and I'm going to light up the crack pipe. Hopefully Balkazaler will show up and tell me what's going on.
Thursday, 29 April 2010
Rock-a-Bye Hot Baby Roy
After coming home from Nanny Boo Boos yesterday, Hot Baby Roy came in a little while later. His face was all red and puffy, so red his hair looked blonde. I asked him what was up.
"Me and The Raven Princess Spandex are over," he said. "I suppose it never really began."
"What happened?" I asked.
"I went round there today and tried to talk to her all about my feelings, my love and how it was pure, even though it was full of sex and she acted all surprised and said she thought I was just her BFF. I told her that I'd never made my love or lust for her a secret and that she should just come round here and get in my bed. She didn't like that."
"Okay, I can see..."
"Fucking Rock and Roll Stephen has been round there with his new teeth and going over that fucking Marylin Monroe speech and she's all 'Rock and Roll Stephen has ideas.' Fuck her."
He was getting really worked up and then he pulled out a crack pipe.
"I read on your blog that you've been at it again, let's me and you have some now. Fuck girls. Crackheads together!"
I should have said no but my mouth was sore after getting a clash in it from Nanny Boo Boo. Hot Baby Roy said that he'd been wanting to do it for a long time but he thought I might kick him out. He said he was always jealous of me and Fabian Wildman hanging out smoking crack and huffing bags of glue. I told him it wasn't like that so much, only at the start.
He said that Fabian was a wanker these days anyways. He came across him one night out on Botanic and he was going to go to him and say hi but Fabian was following this drunk down the street and when the drunk started boking he through his burger in a bin and Fabian hoaked through the bin for ages until he found the burger and half a bottle of wine that was probably pish.
"Me and The Raven Princess Spandex are over," he said. "I suppose it never really began."
"What happened?" I asked.
"I went round there today and tried to talk to her all about my feelings, my love and how it was pure, even though it was full of sex and she acted all surprised and said she thought I was just her BFF. I told her that I'd never made my love or lust for her a secret and that she should just come round here and get in my bed. She didn't like that."
"Okay, I can see..."
"Fucking Rock and Roll Stephen has been round there with his new teeth and going over that fucking Marylin Monroe speech and she's all 'Rock and Roll Stephen has ideas.' Fuck her."
He was getting really worked up and then he pulled out a crack pipe.
"I read on your blog that you've been at it again, let's me and you have some now. Fuck girls. Crackheads together!"
I should have said no but my mouth was sore after getting a clash in it from Nanny Boo Boo. Hot Baby Roy said that he'd been wanting to do it for a long time but he thought I might kick him out. He said he was always jealous of me and Fabian Wildman hanging out smoking crack and huffing bags of glue. I told him it wasn't like that so much, only at the start.
He said that Fabian was a wanker these days anyways. He came across him one night out on Botanic and he was going to go to him and say hi but Fabian was following this drunk down the street and when the drunk started boking he through his burger in a bin and Fabian hoaked through the bin for ages until he found the burger and half a bottle of wine that was probably pish.
Sunday, 31 January 2010
I Should Never Go To Parties
Last night was the Raven Princess Spandex's birthday party and me and Wino Jo and Hot Baby Roy were all getting ready to go. I came into the livingroom all dragged up in a nice tasteful evening gown and high heels. It's not often I get to wear drag (neither of them are clued up about it) so a fancy dress party is a great occasion for me to mill around in softer fabrics.
Wino Jo and Hot Baby Roy were all pissed off because they thought we should go as The Beastie Boys but I said that no one would get that and they huffed and puffed and said that I was a rare boy in my dress and I told them that they should try it, they did and said that it actually felt nice and that we should all go as girls.
We were all kinkied up and headed round to the party. The door was answered by Princess Cheetara who was dressed up as Supergirl and not Cheetara from the Thundercats as I had hoped.
The Raven Princess Spandex was dressed up as old-skool Catwoman Julie Newmarr. We weren't right in until I noticed Rock and Roll Stephen and the Indie Kid all done up as the Libertines (the jackets were pretty close to the real deal) all set to sing some songs.
It was only after the first one "Ballad of The Smoker" that I twigged who they were singing about. Here's the lyrics:
"The Smoker smokes, but is it tobacco?
Is it for release?
Is it because he thinks he's cool
like my idol Pete Doherteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
They kept giving me smirky looks during the song and The Indie Kid even looked at Princess Cheetara and licked his lips. I was about to wade in with my fists flying when a nice spide (not sure if he was in fancy dress or not) waded into them with:
"What's this shite, are you two fruits?"
then he grabbed the guitar off The Indie Kid and nutted Rock and Roll Stephen in the face. This half stopped the party before it started. I realised that the house was teaming with spides.
Princess Cheetara came over and was laughing away about Rock and Roll Stephen getting nutted. I felt like shit, she's a big millie.
Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo didn't seem to care, but I cared. I watched as they followed the Leotard Girls round the house like sappy puppies, while the Leotard Girls went to great lengths to tell stories that were all about someone getting demeaned and ended with "It was some craic!"
How had I been so blined by beauty and spandex? How?
Wino Jo and Hot Baby Roy were all pissed off because they thought we should go as The Beastie Boys but I said that no one would get that and they huffed and puffed and said that I was a rare boy in my dress and I told them that they should try it, they did and said that it actually felt nice and that we should all go as girls.
We were all kinkied up and headed round to the party. The door was answered by Princess Cheetara who was dressed up as Supergirl and not Cheetara from the Thundercats as I had hoped.
The Raven Princess Spandex was dressed up as old-skool Catwoman Julie Newmarr. We weren't right in until I noticed Rock and Roll Stephen and the Indie Kid all done up as the Libertines (the jackets were pretty close to the real deal) all set to sing some songs.
It was only after the first one "Ballad of The Smoker" that I twigged who they were singing about. Here's the lyrics:
"The Smoker smokes, but is it tobacco?
Is it for release?
Is it because he thinks he's cool
like my idol Pete Doherteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
They kept giving me smirky looks during the song and The Indie Kid even looked at Princess Cheetara and licked his lips. I was about to wade in with my fists flying when a nice spide (not sure if he was in fancy dress or not) waded into them with:
"What's this shite, are you two fruits?"
then he grabbed the guitar off The Indie Kid and nutted Rock and Roll Stephen in the face. This half stopped the party before it started. I realised that the house was teaming with spides.
Princess Cheetara came over and was laughing away about Rock and Roll Stephen getting nutted. I felt like shit, she's a big millie.
Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo didn't seem to care, but I cared. I watched as they followed the Leotard Girls round the house like sappy puppies, while the Leotard Girls went to great lengths to tell stories that were all about someone getting demeaned and ended with "It was some craic!"
How had I been so blined by beauty and spandex? How?
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
How Do You Break Things Gently?
Last night was excrutiating. When I got in from work Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo sat me down and told me to be honest about their rendition of the Anfield Rap.
Instead of a backing track they took turns at human beatbox while the other rapped. It was pants, they looked as awkward as any X-factor finalist and wore expressions of "please say this is shit to get me out of doing this".
I didn't want to be the bad guy who spoiled their dreams of being cool fly rappers who get the leotard girls. I also thought that maybe if I let them make dicks out of themselves it might make me look a bit cooler and then I could be sensitive and pull. In the end I had to tell them.
"Listen lads," I said. "I think you need more practise."
"But is it going to work?" Hot Baby Roy asked, he kept rolling his hands waiting for me to elaborate.
"No," I said after a while. "I don't think it will."
They looked crestfallen.
"You know you can both sing," I said. This is half true, Wino Jo can sing, Hot Baby Roy, while not being awful, is only tolerable for one song. "Why don't we get them a Kareoke game or something, then you can both croon at them."
Hot Baby Roy went up to his room and started smashing things. A single salty tear rang down Wino Jo's face and he licked it off and whispered:
"Salty," without looking at me.
Instead of a backing track they took turns at human beatbox while the other rapped. It was pants, they looked as awkward as any X-factor finalist and wore expressions of "please say this is shit to get me out of doing this".
I didn't want to be the bad guy who spoiled their dreams of being cool fly rappers who get the leotard girls. I also thought that maybe if I let them make dicks out of themselves it might make me look a bit cooler and then I could be sensitive and pull. In the end I had to tell them.
"Listen lads," I said. "I think you need more practise."
"But is it going to work?" Hot Baby Roy asked, he kept rolling his hands waiting for me to elaborate.
"No," I said after a while. "I don't think it will."
They looked crestfallen.
"You know you can both sing," I said. This is half true, Wino Jo can sing, Hot Baby Roy, while not being awful, is only tolerable for one song. "Why don't we get them a Kareoke game or something, then you can both croon at them."
Hot Baby Roy went up to his room and started smashing things. A single salty tear rang down Wino Jo's face and he licked it off and whispered:
"Salty," without looking at me.
Friday, 22 January 2010
I've 100 Followers
I guess that makes me a cult leader a lot like the late but seldom missed Jim Jones. I dunno, all I do know is that Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo are currently in preparation to commit a double suicide next week.
That's because it's The Raven Princess Spandex's birthday next week and the three of us are invited. Or at least Hot Baby Roy was invited (his side of the story). Then when I was leaving the bin out I bumped into Princess Cheetara (who I'm crushing on):
"any ideas yet what the three of you are going as?"
I asked her what she meant and she said
"The party, next week."
I made some excuse about it being morning and me forgetting then she suggested the three muskateers. I was well pissed off with Hot Baby Roy and told him (in a polite way) that Princess Cheetara had said the invitation was for me and Wino Jo too. He looked so disapointed (more when he looked at Wino Jo, who had a big red happy face).
Anyway Liverpool's newest fans are down in the livingroom now working out how they're going to perform The Anfield Rap at the party.
They're arguing now because neither of them want to be Bruce Grobbelaar because apparently his rap is shit. Hint lads: the whole thing is shit and this is going to end badly for yous.
That's because it's The Raven Princess Spandex's birthday next week and the three of us are invited. Or at least Hot Baby Roy was invited (his side of the story). Then when I was leaving the bin out I bumped into Princess Cheetara (who I'm crushing on):
"any ideas yet what the three of you are going as?"
I asked her what she meant and she said
"The party, next week."
I made some excuse about it being morning and me forgetting then she suggested the three muskateers. I was well pissed off with Hot Baby Roy and told him (in a polite way) that Princess Cheetara had said the invitation was for me and Wino Jo too. He looked so disapointed (more when he looked at Wino Jo, who had a big red happy face).
Anyway Liverpool's newest fans are down in the livingroom now working out how they're going to perform The Anfield Rap at the party.
They're arguing now because neither of them want to be Bruce Grobbelaar because apparently his rap is shit. Hint lads: the whole thing is shit and this is going to end badly for yous.
Saturday, 16 January 2010
Wino Jo's Crafty Plan
I woke up the other day to find Wino Jo staring at me all bug eyed and smiling.
I asked him what was up and he said that he had fallen in love with this beautiful blonde who lives next door.
I didn't want to break his alcohol/love enlarged heart and tell him that Princess Cheetara was my own one. So I nodded politely.
He told me that this was the thing he needed to help him focus and stay off the bad booze.
This threw up a bit of a dilema because when he sees me walking hand in hand with her along the Lagan Embankment he'll be back under a bridge with a bottle of Scabby Nettle Cider in no time.
He says that Hot Baby Roy is good friends (he rolled his eyes at this) with The Raven Princess Spandex and that he was going to use Hot Baby Roy to get himself close to Princess Cheetara. He sat and sniggered while he talked of how he can't stand Hot Baby Roy and his boring talk of pee the bed mineral and his shit movies but he's been paying him compliments all day and this is his clever plan and when he gets with Princess Cheetara he'll tell Hot Baby Roy what he really thinks of him and spoil his chances, what little ones he has, with The Raven Princess Spandex so that I can have her if I want.
I smiled and nodded because to tell you the truth this is all going to end with someones balls getting kicked up into their mouth and it won't be mine.
I asked him what was up and he said that he had fallen in love with this beautiful blonde who lives next door.
I didn't want to break his alcohol/love enlarged heart and tell him that Princess Cheetara was my own one. So I nodded politely.
He told me that this was the thing he needed to help him focus and stay off the bad booze.
This threw up a bit of a dilema because when he sees me walking hand in hand with her along the Lagan Embankment he'll be back under a bridge with a bottle of Scabby Nettle Cider in no time.
He says that Hot Baby Roy is good friends (he rolled his eyes at this) with The Raven Princess Spandex and that he was going to use Hot Baby Roy to get himself close to Princess Cheetara. He sat and sniggered while he talked of how he can't stand Hot Baby Roy and his boring talk of pee the bed mineral and his shit movies but he's been paying him compliments all day and this is his clever plan and when he gets with Princess Cheetara he'll tell Hot Baby Roy what he really thinks of him and spoil his chances, what little ones he has, with The Raven Princess Spandex so that I can have her if I want.
I smiled and nodded because to tell you the truth this is all going to end with someones balls getting kicked up into their mouth and it won't be mine.
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
I'm Sick in Bed
Both Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo have been taking care of me now I'm ill. It's very nice because Hot Baby Roy brings me up soup and sits and tells me stories about the Leotard Girls or more about his blossoming relationship with The Raven Princess Spandex. He's getting his hopes up a bit because they haven't even kissed or been on a date yet. I asked him about if she mentioned me and he just stares awkwardly at the ground and changes the subject. He'll regret it if he doesn't help me, that's all I'll say for now.
Wino Jo brings me hot whiskeys and I worry that he maybe drinks some of the whiskey himself but I don't want to get into that conversation because he might stop bringing me them and they give me energy.
I half suspect that they're both waiting on me to fall asleep so they can use my laptop but if I catch them at it I'll break their bones (when I'm better).
I might put on a leotard for comfort, just under my pyjamas. No one will see.
Wino Jo brings me hot whiskeys and I worry that he maybe drinks some of the whiskey himself but I don't want to get into that conversation because he might stop bringing me them and they give me energy.
I half suspect that they're both waiting on me to fall asleep so they can use my laptop but if I catch them at it I'll break their bones (when I'm better).
I might put on a leotard for comfort, just under my pyjamas. No one will see.
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
A Visit From The Raven Princess Spandex
It seems that talking Battle Cat for a walk on a pish freezing cold night and doing some good deeds along the way have made me sick. I'm lying in bed supping hot whiskey and milky broth.
The Raven Princess spandex was round and even though she wasn't here to see me it made me feel good having a sexy woman in the house while I was sick. Actually, I was a bit annoyed, why didn't she even stick her head upstairs and say hello, or aw sorry you're poorly? Why?
It's not really fair. If I'd have been at that party I'd have kung-fu flipped all the baddies out the window but all Hot Baby Roy has to do is get bitch slapped and he's someone girls sit round thinking about while listening to Mariah Carey. This isn't fair.
She was laughing and giggling away with him downstairs, and then he went up into his room and had a wank. I could hear it jingling.
I'm going to sleep for a bit.
Things better start looking up soon.
The Raven Princess spandex was round and even though she wasn't here to see me it made me feel good having a sexy woman in the house while I was sick. Actually, I was a bit annoyed, why didn't she even stick her head upstairs and say hello, or aw sorry you're poorly? Why?
It's not really fair. If I'd have been at that party I'd have kung-fu flipped all the baddies out the window but all Hot Baby Roy has to do is get bitch slapped and he's someone girls sit round thinking about while listening to Mariah Carey. This isn't fair.
She was laughing and giggling away with him downstairs, and then he went up into his room and had a wank. I could hear it jingling.
I'm going to sleep for a bit.
Things better start looking up soon.
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
What is it With Sex?
Seriously like, what the fuck? I've lived in this house for years and barely get a shag the whole time, Hot Baby Roy has lived her about a month and he's about to shag one of the hottest neighbours who's ever lived here? How can this be? He's ginger and reads Barely Legal/Shaved.
Then there's work. I'm about to get the boot because some Dwarven Sex Pest can't just go to the toilets and wank about a twelve foot amazon in peace. I'll go into the specifics another time but he sat in HR crying today while his severe eyed mother patted his hand.
And what about wanking? When the frost and snow thaw it'll still be white outside my house. I... No, wait that's enough for today.
Then there's work. I'm about to get the boot because some Dwarven Sex Pest can't just go to the toilets and wank about a twelve foot amazon in peace. I'll go into the specifics another time but he sat in HR crying today while his severe eyed mother patted his hand.
And what about wanking? When the frost and snow thaw it'll still be white outside my house. I... No, wait that's enough for today.
Sunday, 3 January 2010
The Raven Princess Spandex Visits
Working on the assumption that Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo now live with me, The Raven Princess Spandex was our first foot of the year and she didn't bring money, coal or shortbread like she's supposed to. I'm hoping that her beauty is the good luck we need, or I need.
She was a bit strange with me, probably because last time I saw her I boked on myself. She didn't mention it and I felt that I shouldn't.
She asked if Hot Baby Roy was in and I told her that he wasn't. Even though he was up in his bed sleeping. It reminds me of last year when Fabian Wildman and Betty Blue were together and fucking all over the house even though Hot Baby Roy and The Raven Princess Spandex haven't fucked yet (so far as I know).
He keeps saying he's going to visit sex shops on Gresham St and buy a whip for her to hurt him with. I offered him a baseball bat and he considered it but no.
I asked him if they were a couple and he said not yet. I asked him about Princess Cheetara and he says if I leave her for a while she might get me mixed up with Wino Jo and then I can that it was him and not me that boked on himself but for now that door was closed.
I think he wants them both for himself and if he gets them both he'll be getting a round or two with the baseball bat from me.
She was a bit strange with me, probably because last time I saw her I boked on myself. She didn't mention it and I felt that I shouldn't.
She asked if Hot Baby Roy was in and I told her that he wasn't. Even though he was up in his bed sleeping. It reminds me of last year when Fabian Wildman and Betty Blue were together and fucking all over the house even though Hot Baby Roy and The Raven Princess Spandex haven't fucked yet (so far as I know).
He keeps saying he's going to visit sex shops on Gresham St and buy a whip for her to hurt him with. I offered him a baseball bat and he considered it but no.
I asked him if they were a couple and he said not yet. I asked him about Princess Cheetara and he says if I leave her for a while she might get me mixed up with Wino Jo and then I can that it was him and not me that boked on himself but for now that door was closed.
I think he wants them both for himself and if he gets them both he'll be getting a round or two with the baseball bat from me.
Wednesday, 23 December 2009
That's Bad Crack
So I got my pay and headed straight up to get some crack but my old crack dealer isn't there any more, probably busted. I deleted all my numbers when I gave it up. Fuck that. Hot Baby Roy might have some numbers on his phone so I fucked off to the house to see if I could get hold of his phone.
I bought a bottle of gin on the way and was pure pished by the time I reached the house. The Raven Princess Spandex came to the door and I started babbling away about how hot she was and I was sorry if Hot Baby Roy had tried to steal one of her leotards. And just as I started to catch on she'd been looking puzzled for ages I shut up.
"Hot Baby Roy was great, some guys showed up and started trashing the place and he stopped them. I just wanted to give him this," she put a present in my hand and I didn't know what to say, so I boked all over myself.
"I hope none of that hit you," I said to her as I slid down the wall.
The Raven Princess Spandex is so hot, and now I've no chance. I've been so embarrased I've been up in my room sobbing and swaying gently, I still hope I can fix this.
Who needs to lick the bowl?
I bought a bottle of gin on the way and was pure pished by the time I reached the house. The Raven Princess Spandex came to the door and I started babbling away about how hot she was and I was sorry if Hot Baby Roy had tried to steal one of her leotards. And just as I started to catch on she'd been looking puzzled for ages I shut up.
"Hot Baby Roy was great, some guys showed up and started trashing the place and he stopped them. I just wanted to give him this," she put a present in my hand and I didn't know what to say, so I boked all over myself.
"I hope none of that hit you," I said to her as I slid down the wall.
The Raven Princess Spandex is so hot, and now I've no chance. I've been so embarrased I've been up in my room sobbing and swaying gently, I still hope I can fix this.
Who needs to lick the bowl?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)