Monday, 1 August 2011

How to removed a bottlelox security tag

I was at Nanny Boo Boo's a few weeks ago just catching up . She was in a bad mood, because she'd bought a bottle of her favourite vodka from Sainsburys and they'd forgotten to remove the security tag. So off she came home thirsty and unable to drink the lovely drink.

I told her she should have called me and I'd have come round right away, and prepared ! told her that I'd nicked bottles of stuff with the bottlelox still on it in my wilder days and taking it off was as easy as taking a piss down an alley when you get caught short. She said that it wasn't quite for easy for women as it was for men. I told her that removing a bottlelox was.

Basically getting the lock off is a piece of piss as long as you have a drill, which Nanny Boo Boo didn't. After hoaking through her old junk cupboard the only thing I could find was a wee hacksaw which I used to saw around the bit you drill. It took a little longer than the sleek job the guy makes of it in the vid but afterwards we settled down to vodka ice and nothing else because Nanny Boo Boo had drank all her mixer in bad temper and neither of us could be arsed walking to the shop for more.

Monday, 6 June 2011

Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging Night

Hot Baby Roy called round plastered last night. He brought a DVD of Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging.

"If you like Hermione Granger you'll love this!" he foamed at the mouth as he reached for the DVD player with big greedy hands and greedy eyes.

"Is there magic girls in it?" I asked him.

"Not that kind of magic," he said, "but magic all the same."

As it turned out, it was a film about teenage girls learning about growing up. I didn't like it in the way he thought I would but it seemed a touching wee film anyway, in the end it just bored the fuck out of me. The girl was a grumpy teen who talked like a bucket of melted ice cream. I fell asleep at the part where she goes to get snogging lessons and woke up at the end as the band in the movie (The Stiff Dylans), play a pish song.

There were some bits Hot Baby Roy wanted us to watch twice but we politely (but firmly) said no. After it finished he asked if we fancied seeing Bratz. We told him that we were tired and it could wait til another day but he said one of the girls had a deaf friend. We told him he should bring it another time.

He also kept making hints that he's about to get kicked out of his flat, oh dear.

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Nanny Boo Boo Is

Today I went down to Nanny Boo Boo's to ask her to Fabian Wildman's leaving do. When I got there she was icing a cake. She asked me to go into the cupboard and get a nice bottle of the two for one pinotage out.

"Are we bringing this up to Fabian Wildman?" I asked.

"No," she said. "Me and you are going to drink it and eat this cake."

I opened the wine and asked her why'd she bake a cake for me.

She said that Fabian Wildman's been visiting her a lot. She said he's worried about me. He thinks I'm depressed. He says I sit about the house watching videos most of the time. Plus she said she likes to bake cakes and eat them but she's putting on weight because she doesn't usually have anyone to eat them with, so today I was having half.

That's weird Fabian Wildman telling Nanny Boo Boo this, he's usually so good at telling me things upfront.

I told her I did sit around watching videos but that I wasn't depressed. I told her that I'd like a sweetheart but that I didn't know any hot girls. That I'd got myself a protege, and I was going to exploit him while teaching about how the world is full of bastards (namely by being a bastard to him).

She asked me why I couldn't be nice and help him avoid the pitfalls of growing up.

I told her that if I did this then he'd think every time he fucked up that someone would come along and help him out, whereas people normally see you making a balls up as an opportunity to sink the boot in you.

She says that's not strictly true. She said I had her and Fabian Wildman and Battle Cat to help me out and that they all get help from me, so everyone looks after each other and it's nice.

I told her that this wasn't always the case, and I spent a few lonely years just pulling myself out of scrapes or laying low until the dust settled, but that I was glad other people had my back.

She said that I should help this kid out and that he maybe needs a break.

I told her that it was the wee guy who was sticking bangers up cats arses.

"Oh?" she said. "In that case, kick him so hard in the arse you break his tailbone."

Then we drank both bottles of wine and ate the rest of the cake and Nanny Boo Boo kept telling me about ideas she had for how I could maim and damage my protege, as they came to her. Some of them were right and fucked up and I've no doubt if we'd never met and she still had Battle Cat he'd have eaten someone by now.