The Punchbowl Girl is like being totally weird

I've been in work now since nine o'clock. I asked The Punchbowl Girl if she wanted to go to my brother's birthday but she said that she had something on that day, something vague. I asked her if I could have her number because I wanted to send her a text when I was off but couldn't.

She looked a bit awkward and gave it to me. After I keyed it in she said that she had to go back to work and walked off to her desk. She was sitting between two other people so I couldn't even sit with her.

I've been trying to work out what's wrong and here's my options:

1) She reads my blog and doesn't appreciate all our red hot sex life being telegraphed to all the world.

2) She thinks it's a bit soon to be meeting my family. This one if fair enough because we haven't even went on a date yet or agreed we're a couple. We're only colleagues who shag.

3) Typical guy thoughts about girls that I won't put here because I think they're the most unlikely of the three and if 1) is true writing them here will cause no end of shit.

Any thoughts on what it could be? 

I Will Risk Shitting Myself for Love

It's my Fruitarian Brother's birthday this weekend. I'm thinking of having a dead cow dumped on his lawn just to let him know that I'm a meat man.

I've been off work for the past few days because I ate a dodgy kebab the other night and didn't want to risk shiteing myself with rotten diarrhoea in front of everyone especially not The Punchbowl Girl. I'm getting a bit sweet on her and it's not just the sex and it's not the grunge and it's not even that she wants to be the new Betty Blue. I don't know it all seems to come together in the right way.

So yeah, I don't want to shite myself in front of her, not yet anyway but I'm going into work tomorrow, if only to see her, just so I can ask her to The Fruitarian's birthday party. I'm downing a bottle of flat Coke in the morning just to make sure my pants stay clean.

DISCLAIMER: I have not shit myself but it has been close.

Amazon war on society, is it nothing more than a feminist myth?

Fabian Wildman was awake when I came downstairs this morning. He said thanks for what I did yesterday. I told him it was nothing and he said he thought he was fucked. I asked him what he was doing there and will Zim Van Bindle send his amazon army after us. He said he didn't know anything about an amazon army. I told him that Zim Van Bindle was trying to get an amazon army together to bring about a sex war that will topple society.

Fabian Wildman said he hadn't heard of this but that it sounded like something that crack addled fool would think up. He said he hadn't seen any girls in the livingroom last night. Much less roid addled amazons.

I puzzled over it all morning on my way to work. I quickly forgot about it when The Punchbowl Girl took me into the Disabled Toilets and wasted £4.83 of the company's money.

I told her what happened and that it was actually an ex of Betty Blue's that I saved. Then this twinkle came into her eye and she said she wanted to know more about him. That was silly of me. I'll not mention him again in front of her.

A Mature Conversation About Sex

I was down the Lagan Meadows again last night trying to find the Unicorn Girl. I thought that maybe if I had one of those majikal horns like the old warriors had then I could blow it and she'd come galloping towards me with the wind or some romantic ass shit. There's something about when you can't get to people or get in touch with them that makes you want them more, I don't know what it is or why it works.

Hot Baby Roy says it's because when you're a kid people don't refuse anything to you but that when you get older and it happens it just makes you want it more.

Since both of us have been crack addicts we know what it's like to really want something and try to refuse it. Part of me wonders if I'm just lonely and that any girl could take the Unicorn Girl's place in my affections.

That was what I was thinking just as Rock and Roll Stephen, the Indie Kid and some girl came prancing along. I recognised the girl, but I don't know where from.

They sat and chatted to me for a bit. Rock and Roll Stephen has new teeth and he says that these ones are reinforced and won't break next time he falls over drunk. I half said that someone punched him but he gave me this alarmed look like he didn't want the girl to know. I don't know why because they weren't together and I don't think he was even trying it on with her. Maybe he was playing it cool.

She was talking all about how she believed in true love and that monogamy was a choice you had to make constantly regardless of whether you had a long term sex partner or not.

The Indie Kid mumbled something about how he didn't eat beefburgers because he could smoke beef at home, then he took a turn to look alarmed and he winced and shut up quickly as he realised he'd balls it up.

"I've always wanted to turn a gay guy," the girl said staring at him coyly. It was then I remembered where I'd seen her before.

Captain Cool Bastard Doesn't Live up to his Name

Today it's nice and bright and I'm on late shift so I'm a wee bit happier about everything, I've sent off a load of job applications and though they're for shit jobs I'm sure the change of scenery will be nice, so yeah I'm being all upbeat and possitive and part of that is because I've a new person in my life to look down on:

Captain Cool Bastard.

I think Captain Cool Bastard thought up the Captain Cool part of his name himself. He's been telling stories since I got in at 11. They've all consisted of fights he's won and girls he's fucked. None of them are from Belfast even though he's lived here his whole life (as Book Boy managed to worm out of him). But by all accounts he's fucked more than Cassanova and there's sure to be loads of Captain Cool Bastard Bastards running around Dublin, Drogheda, Dundalk, and anywhere else the Dublin Airport Bus stops at. Captain Cool Bastard says he goes down there once a month at least looking for sex and he always gets it. I sounds seriously more like some sort of rapist confession than anything else but Captain Cool Bastard says it always happens in hot steamy nightclubs like in that Usher song - Love in this Club.

I asked him why he never pulls in Belfast and he says that he likes Exotic foreigners. By this he means Irish Girls.

Fat Mo and Hoors Bastard have already taken a shine to him and the three of them have agreed to go on a rape (sorry pulling) spree at the end of the month.

Would You Fuck Iris Robinson?

We sat round in work today discussing who'd fuck Iris Robinson. It turned out no one would apart from Kissy Boy, and it wasn't because he was a big DUP fan but more that he said she had a certain way with her, a sparkle in her smile, but when the girls were away he said that she was a dirt bird and he wouldn't touch her, even for £50000, even if he'd a few bottles of champaigne in him that she bought for him and she was wearing "proper gear" underneath one of her tacky overpriced Lisburn Road "boutique" affairs (no pun intended).

He was getting a bit worked up about it, and I started to suspect he'd only been telling a half truth about not wanting her, but he was saved by an interuption from another member of staff Fat Mo. Fat Mo doesn't say much but he had plenty to say about us slagging off The First Lady. He said that she was the third most important woman in the UK after The Queen and Sarah Brown.

No would could argue against this because no one could be arsed explaining politics to Fat Mo. He went on to say that to think about Iris Robinson was a woman not to be thought of in a sexual way and only a scumbag like Kirk McCambly would do something as outrageous as this. His eyes went all fucked up when he said this like he could almost not comprehend how the guttersnipe had dared to even speak to her.

Little My said that McCambly was a cutie and Book Boy says he looked like the sort of kid people slagged off at school for fucking citrus fruits. Probably, none of us could be sure.

What is it With Sex?

Seriously like, what the fuck? I've lived in this house for years and barely get a shag the whole time, Hot Baby Roy has lived her about a month and he's about to shag one of the hottest neighbours who's ever lived here? How can this be? He's ginger and reads Barely Legal/Shaved.

Then there's work. I'm about to get the boot because some Dwarven Sex Pest can't just go to the toilets and wank about a twelve foot amazon in peace. I'll go into the specifics another time but he sat in HR crying today while his severe eyed mother patted his hand.

And what about wanking? When the frost and snow thaw it'll still be white outside my house. I... No, wait that's enough for today.

Going into Work Drunk

Today was the first time I went to work drunk. I was still drunk from the night before so it's not like I'm being irresponsible.

I fucked up my first few calls and the customers gave off about me being shit. I hung up on them even though you're supposed to give them a warning.

My call handling time is not as good as it should so I hung up on a few folk. One of them I said "smell your ring, yeow!"

I don't know why though, I went to the toilet and boked my ring up. I heard some grunting noises coming from the disabled toilet and I was sure it was humping and pumping going on in there. I guess that's the sex meet up point. Gonna keep my eyes peeled and hope to get some hot lady in there with me at some point.

I noticed today how some people like everyone to hear their calls, they speak with a loud authorative tone so that people on the other side of the office can here them.

This was pissing me off loads so I walked past one of them and said "smell your ring, yeow!" so the customer would hear. Not the smartest move, because the guy who took the call eyeballed me then came up and asked if I'd hung up on the customer earlier. I told him that I didn't hang up on customers and receited the company motto. I think he fell for it. I hope so, I want to keep this job for a bit.

My Year

So I started this blog just after my birthday last year and what a year it's been. I've been sitting back taking stock of everything that's happened.

I started it because I was always going round in circles and getting into the same old crap.

I can say though that in this past year I've given up crack, started looking after a pet, joined and been kicked out of a sweaty heavy metal vomit rock and roll band and met a tonne of new people, some of which are good friends. Not just that but if you look down my side bar you'll see a load of other cool people you should check out.

That said here's a few wee stats about my year.

I've had 3 housemates - Fabian Wildman, Battle Cat and Hot Baby Roy (briefly)
I was going to count the number of fights I was in but I couldn't be arsed, you just need to know I won them all.
I've had sex a few times (not enough) and still have no girlfriend.
I started wearing leotards
I met someone who thinks that unicorns are an extinct species
I've been asked to watch Wild Child 143 times and said no 142.
I vomited in a woman's mouth (and she vomited in mine)
I saved a few people from unjustly getting their balls kicked.
I forged a member of Razorlight's autograph (to stop someone going to the police)
I cried a bit but I laughed a lot
I sniffed a few felt tips
I shoplifted loads
and I may or may not have licked the bowl (some people may wonder though).

I've not had a job but as of yesterday I have now found one and I start my pish call centre training on Monday. Wish me luck!

Poor Battle Cat

Me and Battle Cat were down the Lagan Meadows tonight and I'd a nice bottle of free wine with me. I was talking away to him about how Fabian Wildman was a bastard but I still didn't want Battle Cat to bite him because Fabian had been nice to him and Battle Cat wasn't to get all confused because Fabian wasn't around any more and me and him were still mates even if he never visited. Battle Cat stopped and had a boke and I had a poke through it to make sure he didn't have worms.

Then this cutesy wee lady dog came tottering over with her owner, a wee old man, Battle Cat and her were sniffing round each others bums and I could tell they liked each other's scents but then the oul man started making a scene all about how Battle Cat was a mongral and his dog was a pure breed. I told him this wasn't Hogwarts and he said this his dog was raised to mate with a pedegree because he was old and needed to pay for oil in the winter time and that Battle Cat was a mongral.

I told him that dogs had hearts and maybe he should let his dog enjoy Battle Cat's love because I could assure him that Battle Cat was well brought up and house trained and he pulled a face like a gurner and said he'd hit Battle Cat with a stick if he came sniffing round his dog again.

I told him that pedigree dogs were inbred and he probably was too. His dog would have a fun time getting in Battle Cat's gene pool.

He said something else but I cut in and said up his hole. He shook his fist and fucked off. Quick.

Clarence Rubs His Crotch

I was sitting in the living room today when I heard a knock at the door. It turned out it was Clarence. I didn't know whether to let him in or not but one of the upstairs windows were open and I could see him eyeing it up. He walked over to the drainpipe and started pulling at it, like he was seeing if it would take his weight.

I opened the door to him.

"Nice drain pipe," he said cheerily.
"Aye, I like it a lot," I said. "What can I do for you Clarence?"

He stood their rubbing his crotch and asked me if I'd the number for the Unicorn Girl.

"No, I don't," I said. "You should leave her alone, her heart is pure, yours is mucky."

He snarled at me and snapped that he wanted a sweetheart and it was time Clarence stepped into the limelight!

He said that he would take her shopping and they could drink vodka in the park and she could rub his crotch when he was too tired to wank. It was all he wanted and I shouldn't try to stand in his way. Or he would figure out a way to destroy me.

I told him to eat his own fuck and leave me out of it.

He said he could prove he was nice. I should hang out with him and I'd see he just has a bad rep.

I said okay, maybe me and him could go to the pub quiz Hot Baby Roy runs down at the Rangers Supporters Club on Sandy Row.

He snorted at this and said Hot Baby Roy did nothing of the sort, that he wanted to run a pub quiz and he often talked at great length about how running his own pub quiz would be his one true dream, just like Clarence wanted a sweetheart, but that no one was going to trust a jittery fool like Hot Baby Roy with such responsibility. So Hot Baby Roy has been lying to people about it.

I told Clarence that stories like that are the reason he wasn't getting the Unicorn Girl's number, the real reason is that I fancy a go at her myself.

A Critique of Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging

Hot Baby Roy hasn't been over since we watched Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging he left the DVD for us in case we wanted to view it alone.

I told Fabian Wildman that I thought Hot Baby Roy was a sleaze and that I felt uncomfortable watching that pish movie the other night. Fabian Wildman said that he thought the movie was quite sweet and he'd enjoyed it. I'd just sat through it looking for things to sneer at and that I should have just relaxed and watched it.

I said it was so bad I fell asleep.

He said I should watch it again, like Hot Baby Roy suggested, because he thinks I have more in common with Hot Baby Roy than I probably realise. He said that both me and Hot Baby Roy have been single for a long time so Hot Baby Roy lives vacariously through romance movies and I just sneer at anything that suggests affection because I'm scared of being rejected.

I said this wasn't the case, that I had initiated two sexes this year so far, with two different girls, one of them an American and the other a rock and roll vomit heavy metaller, and neither one had shown even the slightest intention of knocking me back.

He said it hardly made me Joey from Friends but that he wasn't just talking about sex he was talking about connecting with someone. He thinks me and Hot Baby Roy should look for girlfriends instead of lusting after Hermione Granger/ Emma Watson.

I hope he doesn't have a point but I suspect he might have one. I'm going to go and walk Battle Cat and mull it over.

The Hermione Granger Fan Club

Hot Baby Roy might read my blogs because after me slagging him off a bit recently he showed up at the house today saying that he'd a present for me.

I was a bit dubious but he went into his coat pocket and pulled out a folded up bit of paper to reveal a picture of the lovely Emma Watson who plays the gorgeous Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies.

He said he was a big fan of hers but he knew I was too so he thought he'd bring me a gift.

I was very happy.

I invited him in for a cup of tea and a chat about Hermione.

It soon turned out that Hot Baby Roy was more into Emma Watson and I was more into Hermione. I told him my love for Hermione was pure, while he said he'd love to have sex with Emma Watson under a waterfall.

I didn't fancy his chances but I told him that was a nice thing to think about.

He said that if Razorlight could do it, so could he, because Razorlight was an ugly bastard and Hot Baby Roy had moves.

He has a point there but I'm not so sure her and Razorlight did the deed. I suspect if they did that Razorlight would boast about it in a song.

He said that when he came off crack he'd written her a letter, not about sex but about the other emotions he felt for her. She never replied. He included a picture in it too. That might be the reason why.

He said he was doing his Care Bear Stare in the photo and that if he ever met her he'd do it and he'd be sure to win her heart. He did it for me and I told him he'd have more luck if he just bundled her into the back of a van.

He asked what me and Fabian Wildman were doing for the twelfth. I told him I didn't know about Fabian Wildman but I liked to sleep all day and wank a bit. I waved the Hermione picture at him to show I appreciated the effort because he looked a bit sad that we weren't doing anything.

Perhaps Hot Baby Roy is lonely like I used to be.

Rock and Roll is Here To Stay

The Sweaty Metallers called round today to ask if I wanted to go to a heavy metal vomit party and I made up some excuse not to go because I was too pissed off, all that screaming and acting cool for nothing. I'd just be nobody at one of those parties. I wouldn't be able to look any of the cool dudes in the eye and I wouldn't be getting any hot metal girls.

Fabian Wildman said I should go, just to say there's no hard feelings and I might meet some people who want to start up a band. I told him that I always felt like a fake in the band and I didn't know how to sing. He shrugged and says it'd beat staying home, so I went.

I walked into the party and asked if anyone wanted to start a band with me and no one said anything. I was relegated to talking to this guy who had nothing to say for himself other than "I have a prince albert" and "my wife didn't leave me, I left her." It was so depressing I went upstairs to see what I could steal.

I was going through a girls make up bag for money when she came upon me, she looked really shocked like she was going to scream the house down.

"Mind if I borrow your lipstick?" I asked.

This changed everything, five minutes later we were plastered in her lipstick and getting it on ontop of loads of coats.

I boked in her mouth and she boked in mine it was so beautiful. Then after it all she said:

"It's great the way you can just cop off with people at these parties and it doesn't mean anything."

Just as I'd my phone out to take her number. I quietly put it back in my pocket and cried silently as she left the room.

One day I'll find what I'm looking for, but last night I couldn't find anything, not even a tenner or a mobile in one person's coat. I must be losing my touch.

Monkey Flu Comes To Belfast

Today I woke up to screaming, it was different screaming to Fabian Wildman's sex screams. I went running downstairs to find it was Fabian Wildman. He was standing in the kitchen with his hand under the cold tap screaming and crying.

"What's wrong? Did you burn yourself?" I asked.

"No!" he screamed. "I've been infected with Monkey Flu!"

"You mean swine flu?" I asked recoiling from him like I would from granny porn.

"NO! MONKEY FLU!"

"What's monkey flu?" I asked.

"You get it from eating beige foods!" he squeeled. "It makes you shit and piss yourself turn about and then you die,"

"Beige foods?" I asked wondering why he'd his hand under the tap.

"You know buns, pastries, all that shit that tramps eat, now one of the fuckers has bit me! Fuck those gypsy bastards down castle street! I only reached into his tin looking for crack money!"

"Maybe if you did an honest days begging instead of stealing you'd have the money now instead of monkey flu, which by the way sounds like a load of balls to me."

"You'll be sorry when you find me dead!" he squeeled running up the stairs in a wild panic. He locked himself in the toilet and he's been there ever since.

Johnny Davro and Peace Man come to a Jam

Today I was jamming with the sweaty metallers. It was wild, I was screaming at the top of my lungs. It was a new song and there were no lyrics yet so I just kept screaming about Satan! and Sex!

Johnny Davro and Peace Man were there, they are the coolest dudes in the city and they make the scene. If they go to a gig and stay for longer than one beer then whatever band are onstage have made it in Belfast.

In the middle of the jam Johnny Davro got up and started dancing all slow and metaphorically. Peace Man sat clicking his fingers. The sweaty metallers stood there nodding proudly between each other. Then when the song ended Johnny Davro asked me if I'd ever heard of Rimbaud? I thought he said Rambo so I nodded excitedly. He smiled a knowing smile and said:

"I thought I heard some of his influences in there."

After he left, the sweaty metallers said that he must like me because he said more to me today that he's said to members of his own family in his entire life.

I felt so cool I skipped next door and told Fabian Wildman, he was too busy slithering around the floor in his Zentai screaming:

"Mummy let me lick the bowl!"

I know how he feels. I love to lick the bowl.