Things You Find On The Job Centre Website

And she did accept my kinky ways. So I texted her the other night after I came home from Nanny Boo Boo's and the next day I sat at work waiting for her to text me back. Work is shit at the moment. Betty Blue is leaving at the end of the week to go back to universtiy. Kissy Boy is saying that they're going to go out long distance but I can't see it happening. I'd say Kissy Boy will fuck half of Belfast the week she leaves.

They're laying people off. The contract is having problems, they don't think it'll be renewed. The bosses are so strict. I'm behind on my stats but to be honest if there was somewhere else to leave I'd go. I keep checking the online job centre and there's fuck all but kissogram and part time scrotum lickers.

I went home via the off-licence and bought a bottle of pink champaigne. I was going to go for a long walk up out into the countryside and get pure fucked. Instead I went home and put some figure hugging spandex on. Then I heard the door. I slipped on a scabby old tracksuit over the top and went to answer it.

It was The Punchbowl Girl. She had a backpack on her shoulder. I thought it was probably full of stuff I'd given her that she was going to give back but then I remembered that what I'd given her would fill her balled fist.

"Why did you leave the party?" she asked.

"I was embarrassed at what had been said about me."

"So is it true?"

"Yes, it is," I nodded.

"Well in that case, I've stuff in this bag you'll like."

I invited her in and it turns out she had a big bag of spandex all for me, pink stuff, green stuff, blue stuff, all out of the fetish pages of your da's magazine collection in the roofspace. I'm not going to tell you what happened the rest of the evening other than to make smug sounds that teenagers do in school when they're talking about who did what to whom at the previous night's school disco (or thereabouts).

The Correct Rules of Jack Change It

My Brother Wino Jo called round last night. Because he's still tee-total we couldn't drink in front of him (we could but it's a bit like rubbing it in his face) and we thought it wasn't wise to sniff felt tips or talk about shoplifting.

We played cards with him because this is nice and wholesome. No gambling because he starts talking about addiction when you even mention lottery tickets.

We played Jack Change It. Now most people play with a lot of balls rules that are a load of shite and Hot Baby Roy was no exception. Here are the definitive rules. Anyone who says anything else is talking shite:

Everyone is given 7 cards at the start. The object of the game is to get rid of your cards first.

The top card on the remaining pile is turned up. This is the starting card and determines the starting suit.

You can only put down cards belonging to the suit currently in play. There are two exceptions to this. The first is if you have a jack, putting down a jack allows you to change to any suit of your choice, or keep the current suit. You can play a matching card. For example, if a 5 of clubs is in play a 5 of hearts can be placed on top, this changes the suit in play to hearts.

If you cannot play a card you take a card off the top of the remaining pile. When this pile is done the played cards are turned over (bar the top one) and are used to pick up from.

Trick cards are as follows:

2s: If you play a 2 the next player picks up 2 cards, unless they have a 2 in which case they can play it and make the next player pick up 4 (this can continue up to 8).

8: 8 makes the next player miss a turn (regardless of whether they have an 8).

Ace of Hearts: This makes the next player pick up 5. This cannot be passed on or avoided at all. The ace of hearts is the only ace with a trick value.

Jack: as previously stated this allows you to keep the current suit or change it to a suit of your choosing.

Queen: There is a rule that queen changes direction though this isn't played much anymore and can be omitted if players choose to.

After playing your penutimate card you must say last card or you are not allowed to play it. You must pick up on your next go.

If anyone plays with other rules they are not playing Jack Change It and can fuck off.

That's what we said to Hot Baby Roy and he choose to play by the rules.

Wino Jo said he was glad to see me and that he hoped we could see more of each other now he was getting his life sorted out. He doesn't have a job yet but he's applying and he'd like to move back to Belfast soon.

Another Shite Day at the Dole

It's been a weird few days. It's been great sunny weather and I've been miserable as fuck. I ran out of money and had to go down the dole for a crisis loan. Nasty fuckers, say that they can't give you one unless it's an emergency so I told them that a water pipe had burst and spoiled all my food.

They asked for my landlord's number but I told them that I didn't have it on me and couldn't go home to get it. They eyed me up all suspicious. It was this fat wanker who wore a polo shirt and looked like he'd never played polo, or any sport other than "find the bags of crisps" which he's very good at, the fat crisp eating bastard.

Anyway he told me I had to wait an hour on the loan to be decided and I sat there feeling bored and pissed off. There weren't even any newspapers to read.

I looked on the job search machines and there was fuck all going. Most of the work on offer is part-time which is pish because you have to work sixteen hours a week and you come off worse than dole and housing benefit combined.

The place was bunged, loads of fuckers in looking crisis loans because unemployment and the price of stuff has went up so you have to sit there like a glum fucker and wait for your cash. Some of them had kids with them who crawled around goo-gooing a load of spidey shite.

I got a text from Fabian Wildman, the first since he's moved out, I took my phone out to read it when this wee bitch of a security guard came right over and got up in my face saying: "you can't text in here, you can't text in here."

"I'm not texting. I'm reading a text," I said.

"Same thing, same thing. You can't use phones at all."

Then I had to go outside to read it.

It was just Fabian saying that he'd left some socks and would I be in this evening for him to come and get them.

I didn't reply.

I didn't get my crisis loan either, so I just went to Tescos on the rob.