Last night was the Raven Princess Spandex's birthday party and me and Wino Jo and Hot Baby Roy were all getting ready to go. I came into the livingroom all dragged up in a nice tasteful evening gown and high heels. It's not often I get to wear drag (neither of them are clued up about it) so a fancy dress party is a great occasion for me to mill around in softer fabrics.
Wino Jo and Hot Baby Roy were all pissed off because they thought we should go as The Beastie Boys but I said that no one would get that and they huffed and puffed and said that I was a rare boy in my dress and I told them that they should try it, they did and said that it actually felt nice and that we should all go as girls.
We were all kinkied up and headed round to the party. The door was answered by Princess Cheetara who was dressed up as Supergirl and not Cheetara from the Thundercats as I had hoped.
The Raven Princess Spandex was dressed up as old-skool Catwoman Julie Newmarr. We weren't right in until I noticed Rock and Roll Stephen and the Indie Kid all done up as the Libertines (the jackets were pretty close to the real deal) all set to sing some songs.
It was only after the first one "Ballad of The Smoker" that I twigged who they were singing about. Here's the lyrics:
"The Smoker smokes, but is it tobacco?
Is it for release?
Is it because he thinks he's cool
like my idol Pete Doherteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
They kept giving me smirky looks during the song and The Indie Kid even looked at Princess Cheetara and licked his lips. I was about to wade in with my fists flying when a nice spide (not sure if he was in fancy dress or not) waded into them with:
"What's this shite, are you two fruits?"
then he grabbed the guitar off The Indie Kid and nutted Rock and Roll Stephen in the face. This half stopped the party before it started. I realised that the house was teaming with spides.
Princess Cheetara came over and was laughing away about Rock and Roll Stephen getting nutted. I felt like shit, she's a big millie.
Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo didn't seem to care, but I cared. I watched as they followed the Leotard Girls round the house like sappy puppies, while the Leotard Girls went to great lengths to tell stories that were all about someone getting demeaned and ended with "It was some craic!"
How had I been so blined by beauty and spandex? How?
Sunday 31 January 2010
Thursday 28 January 2010
On The Day That JD Salinger Died
Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo are on the huff since I stopped them making dicks out of themselves in front of the Leotard Girl, no sweat guys. You're fucking welcome.
Anyways I took myself off down to Stranmillis because I've got to sort out My Protege, Nanny Boo Boo says he was up shouting out the front of her house and she told him to go away. He told her to suck his balls and she told him she would when they dropped. Then he burst into tears and ran away screaming.
I told her I would twist his balls for him, but I won't.
I'm going to give him one last chance to not be a dick and if he doesn't take it he's in trouble.
I found him outside Cutters Wharf human beatboxing. When he saw me coming he started screaming:
"He's gay! He's gay! He wears women's clothes!"
There weren't any passers by so no one but me gave a fuck.
I walked up to him and put my copy of Catcher in the Rye in his hands and told him all about JD Salinger being dead and how this was the book for him. This was my next lesson.
He took it and kicked it into the River Lagan.
I told him there and then that I was going to do something really nasty to him but I wasn't going to do it now, I wasn't going to tell him when, it might be soon or I might wait a few years but either way at some point I was going to do something really fucking nasty and when I did it he'd know that he deserved it for being a wee ballbag.
He screamed and ran away. I pinged a stone after him and it hit him on the head and he fell on his hoop with another scream. That isn't the nasty thing, and to be honest it's not even a taster. He's in trouble.
Anyways I took myself off down to Stranmillis because I've got to sort out My Protege, Nanny Boo Boo says he was up shouting out the front of her house and she told him to go away. He told her to suck his balls and she told him she would when they dropped. Then he burst into tears and ran away screaming.
I told her I would twist his balls for him, but I won't.
I'm going to give him one last chance to not be a dick and if he doesn't take it he's in trouble.
I found him outside Cutters Wharf human beatboxing. When he saw me coming he started screaming:
"He's gay! He's gay! He wears women's clothes!"
There weren't any passers by so no one but me gave a fuck.
I walked up to him and put my copy of Catcher in the Rye in his hands and told him all about JD Salinger being dead and how this was the book for him. This was my next lesson.
He took it and kicked it into the River Lagan.
I told him there and then that I was going to do something really nasty to him but I wasn't going to do it now, I wasn't going to tell him when, it might be soon or I might wait a few years but either way at some point I was going to do something really fucking nasty and when I did it he'd know that he deserved it for being a wee ballbag.
He screamed and ran away. I pinged a stone after him and it hit him on the head and he fell on his hoop with another scream. That isn't the nasty thing, and to be honest it's not even a taster. He's in trouble.
Wednesday 27 January 2010
How Do You Break Things Gently?
Last night was excrutiating. When I got in from work Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo sat me down and told me to be honest about their rendition of the Anfield Rap.
Instead of a backing track they took turns at human beatbox while the other rapped. It was pants, they looked as awkward as any X-factor finalist and wore expressions of "please say this is shit to get me out of doing this".
I didn't want to be the bad guy who spoiled their dreams of being cool fly rappers who get the leotard girls. I also thought that maybe if I let them make dicks out of themselves it might make me look a bit cooler and then I could be sensitive and pull. In the end I had to tell them.
"Listen lads," I said. "I think you need more practise."
"But is it going to work?" Hot Baby Roy asked, he kept rolling his hands waiting for me to elaborate.
"No," I said after a while. "I don't think it will."
They looked crestfallen.
"You know you can both sing," I said. This is half true, Wino Jo can sing, Hot Baby Roy, while not being awful, is only tolerable for one song. "Why don't we get them a Kareoke game or something, then you can both croon at them."
Hot Baby Roy went up to his room and started smashing things. A single salty tear rang down Wino Jo's face and he licked it off and whispered:
"Salty," without looking at me.
Instead of a backing track they took turns at human beatbox while the other rapped. It was pants, they looked as awkward as any X-factor finalist and wore expressions of "please say this is shit to get me out of doing this".
I didn't want to be the bad guy who spoiled their dreams of being cool fly rappers who get the leotard girls. I also thought that maybe if I let them make dicks out of themselves it might make me look a bit cooler and then I could be sensitive and pull. In the end I had to tell them.
"Listen lads," I said. "I think you need more practise."
"But is it going to work?" Hot Baby Roy asked, he kept rolling his hands waiting for me to elaborate.
"No," I said after a while. "I don't think it will."
They looked crestfallen.
"You know you can both sing," I said. This is half true, Wino Jo can sing, Hot Baby Roy, while not being awful, is only tolerable for one song. "Why don't we get them a Kareoke game or something, then you can both croon at them."
Hot Baby Roy went up to his room and started smashing things. A single salty tear rang down Wino Jo's face and he licked it off and whispered:
"Salty," without looking at me.
Tuesday 26 January 2010
Songs About "The Smoker"
I bumped into Rock and Roll Stephen on my way to work today. He was talking about how he was trying to start up a band, and it turns out that the Indie Kid on my street is the lead guitarist and song writer. He's writing songs about this character who he calls "The Smoker" and the smoker doesn't do what society expects him to do he just sits there and smokes and thinks, that's where he gets one up on society because he thinks more. Apparently it's heavily implied but never exactly stated if "The Smoker" smokes tobacco, drugs or "something different". He was getting really excited about it, and he said they were going to a party next weekend and it was fancy dress and get this they'd gotten themselves all kitted out so they were going as Pete and Carl. I told them they'd more chance of pulling off Pete and Dud, or just Dud and Dud, but he didn't find this funny. He asked who would want to go as two Dudley Moores? And I told him it was a pun on how a dud is something that doesn't work.
Speaking of which I think they won't look so bad next to Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo doing the Anfield Rap but sure the shitness of some people is often obscured by the shitness of someone else.
Why can't my team win for a change.
Speaking of which I think they won't look so bad next to Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo doing the Anfield Rap but sure the shitness of some people is often obscured by the shitness of someone else.
Why can't my team win for a change.
Monday 25 January 2010
January Friend
I'm really down today, and I haven't been in a long while, or at least when I was I didn't notice because I was too busy with work or being ill or trying to sort out Wino Jo and Hot Baby Roy, but now I feel it.
I phoned off work today and took Battle Cat for a long walk down the Lagan Meadows and told him that I was sorry we didn't hang out as much any more but I was busy and I'd try to make it up to him. He didn't seem to mind too much and wagged his tail happily as we walked.
I told him how I was down about my protege being such a wee wanker, all the stuff Nanny Boo Boo said he was up to just makes him sound like the nastiest wee wanker around. He needs a good kick in the hole, I remember Nanny Boo Boo one told me to kick him so hard I broke his tailbone but I knew better. I was all into teaching him like some old fucker in a kung-fu movie, and I did try but he's learned fuck all. It just makes me want to beat the shit out of him. But then I remember how nice and sympathetic he was when I was sitting crying down by the river that time. I'll figure out.
Then I asked him what he thought about Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo. How the fuck is Hot Baby Roy getting so popular with the next door neighbours and not me. I've been living there longest. I've been trying to move forward with my life while he draws the dole and wanks all the time, when I used to do that I got nowhere with anyone.
We had walked way past Shaw's Bridge by the time I finished. Then I asked Battle Cat how he was doing and he woofed to say he was hungry.
I took him home and gave him a really big feed, he deserved it.
I sat up in my room listening to moody music on youtube until I came across this and it made me feel a wee bit better. I wonder who the girl is, it'd be cool if she lived nearby. I could find her.
I phoned off work today and took Battle Cat for a long walk down the Lagan Meadows and told him that I was sorry we didn't hang out as much any more but I was busy and I'd try to make it up to him. He didn't seem to mind too much and wagged his tail happily as we walked.
I told him how I was down about my protege being such a wee wanker, all the stuff Nanny Boo Boo said he was up to just makes him sound like the nastiest wee wanker around. He needs a good kick in the hole, I remember Nanny Boo Boo one told me to kick him so hard I broke his tailbone but I knew better. I was all into teaching him like some old fucker in a kung-fu movie, and I did try but he's learned fuck all. It just makes me want to beat the shit out of him. But then I remember how nice and sympathetic he was when I was sitting crying down by the river that time. I'll figure out.
Then I asked him what he thought about Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo. How the fuck is Hot Baby Roy getting so popular with the next door neighbours and not me. I've been living there longest. I've been trying to move forward with my life while he draws the dole and wanks all the time, when I used to do that I got nowhere with anyone.
We had walked way past Shaw's Bridge by the time I finished. Then I asked Battle Cat how he was doing and he woofed to say he was hungry.
I took him home and gave him a really big feed, he deserved it.
I sat up in my room listening to moody music on youtube until I came across this and it made me feel a wee bit better. I wonder who the girl is, it'd be cool if she lived nearby. I could find her.
Sunday 24 January 2010
My Protege has Gone Astray
Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo are huffing with each other over who's doing which part of the Anfield Rap, so I took myself to fuck out the house and went down with Battle Cat to see Nanny Boo Boo.
She brought out a big plate of buns for us and me and Battle Cat wolfed down the lot over a cup of tea.
She says that Fabian Wildman called in to see her the other week and he was asking after me, I didn't ask her too much about it and she didn't go on with it.
She says that My Protege has turned into a right stupid wee bastard, all out trying to act the cool hard man, and his wee gang try to get him to due stupid stuff and he's stupid enough not to even question it.
He's been running round baring his arse at cars, shoplifting flowers and stealing wine and cider from tramps.
I told her that I'd do something about it, but I'm not sure what. I don't want to just give him a good kicking. He needs to be taught a lesson.
She brought out a big plate of buns for us and me and Battle Cat wolfed down the lot over a cup of tea.
She says that Fabian Wildman called in to see her the other week and he was asking after me, I didn't ask her too much about it and she didn't go on with it.
She says that My Protege has turned into a right stupid wee bastard, all out trying to act the cool hard man, and his wee gang try to get him to due stupid stuff and he's stupid enough not to even question it.
He's been running round baring his arse at cars, shoplifting flowers and stealing wine and cider from tramps.
I told her that I'd do something about it, but I'm not sure what. I don't want to just give him a good kicking. He needs to be taught a lesson.
Friday 22 January 2010
I've 100 Followers
I guess that makes me a cult leader a lot like the late but seldom missed Jim Jones. I dunno, all I do know is that Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo are currently in preparation to commit a double suicide next week.
That's because it's The Raven Princess Spandex's birthday next week and the three of us are invited. Or at least Hot Baby Roy was invited (his side of the story). Then when I was leaving the bin out I bumped into Princess Cheetara (who I'm crushing on):
"any ideas yet what the three of you are going as?"
I asked her what she meant and she said
"The party, next week."
I made some excuse about it being morning and me forgetting then she suggested the three muskateers. I was well pissed off with Hot Baby Roy and told him (in a polite way) that Princess Cheetara had said the invitation was for me and Wino Jo too. He looked so disapointed (more when he looked at Wino Jo, who had a big red happy face).
Anyway Liverpool's newest fans are down in the livingroom now working out how they're going to perform The Anfield Rap at the party.
They're arguing now because neither of them want to be Bruce Grobbelaar because apparently his rap is shit. Hint lads: the whole thing is shit and this is going to end badly for yous.
That's because it's The Raven Princess Spandex's birthday next week and the three of us are invited. Or at least Hot Baby Roy was invited (his side of the story). Then when I was leaving the bin out I bumped into Princess Cheetara (who I'm crushing on):
"any ideas yet what the three of you are going as?"
I asked her what she meant and she said
"The party, next week."
I made some excuse about it being morning and me forgetting then she suggested the three muskateers. I was well pissed off with Hot Baby Roy and told him (in a polite way) that Princess Cheetara had said the invitation was for me and Wino Jo too. He looked so disapointed (more when he looked at Wino Jo, who had a big red happy face).
Anyway Liverpool's newest fans are down in the livingroom now working out how they're going to perform The Anfield Rap at the party.
They're arguing now because neither of them want to be Bruce Grobbelaar because apparently his rap is shit. Hint lads: the whole thing is shit and this is going to end badly for yous.
Thursday 21 January 2010
Coming Off Crack
There was a thing on the Stephen Nolan show this morning about the drugs problem in Ballymena. I don't know much about what it's like down there but it has a reputation for it.
I think drugs are a big problem because there's fuck all to do. We have a culture that encourages people to get wasted. If you want to stay sober for a night and do something that doesn't bore the shite out of you, you'd better have an XBox.
For me giving up crack was really hard, and it's something that I'm not sure I could do again.
Part of what made it possible was having Fabian Wildman looking out for me. Whatever kind of a dick he's turned into and even though we don't get on anymore I'll always be on his side for what he did then.
I've tried talking to Hot Baby Roy about how he gave up but he's caggy about it. He doesn't like talking about it, I suspect he bought a load of teen orientated romcoms and wanked and boked for a week.
All I do know is the mayor of Ballymena came across like a clueless dick, too busy fighting his own corner and not fighting against the problem.
I'm not going to tell people not to do drugs, but I'm not going to encourage them either. It's not pleasant having to feed a daemon who looks like Sammy Wilson.
I think drugs are a big problem because there's fuck all to do. We have a culture that encourages people to get wasted. If you want to stay sober for a night and do something that doesn't bore the shite out of you, you'd better have an XBox.
For me giving up crack was really hard, and it's something that I'm not sure I could do again.
Part of what made it possible was having Fabian Wildman looking out for me. Whatever kind of a dick he's turned into and even though we don't get on anymore I'll always be on his side for what he did then.
I've tried talking to Hot Baby Roy about how he gave up but he's caggy about it. He doesn't like talking about it, I suspect he bought a load of teen orientated romcoms and wanked and boked for a week.
All I do know is the mayor of Ballymena came across like a clueless dick, too busy fighting his own corner and not fighting against the problem.
I'm not going to tell people not to do drugs, but I'm not going to encourage them either. It's not pleasant having to feed a daemon who looks like Sammy Wilson.
Wednesday 20 January 2010
Back To Work
A back to work interview is a weird thing. It's a formality and it's as scripted as the shit we go over on the telephone. It's a lot like having a conversation with an uninformed Mr.Spock.
London Girl sat and asked me what was wrong.
I told her I was ill, in bed fever,puking and the one that makes most people stop asking questions, diarrhea. It didn't feel like flu but we put it down as flu.
I only missed four days of work, so I didn't need a doctors note, I had phoned in before work started so I had followed procedure. All this aside, London Girl tried to barge on with a big grin and the words, "Absenteeism is unnacceptable." This was meant to be something she had to say and to be fair I think the just wanted to get it out and leave it there but I was pissed off so I started asking her what about the time she was snowed in and couldn't come to work.
She said that was different because she couldn't leave the house. I told her I couldn't leave me room and she started this pishy crap about how I could have sat at the desks and answered phones and all that balls. I said that I had no intention of soiling myself with diarrhea in front of the rest of the staff and that to expect me to do so was inhumane.
I think I made my point but I've a sneaking suspicion she won't forget it to me.
London Girl sat and asked me what was wrong.
I told her I was ill, in bed fever,puking and the one that makes most people stop asking questions, diarrhea. It didn't feel like flu but we put it down as flu.
I only missed four days of work, so I didn't need a doctors note, I had phoned in before work started so I had followed procedure. All this aside, London Girl tried to barge on with a big grin and the words, "Absenteeism is unnacceptable." This was meant to be something she had to say and to be fair I think the just wanted to get it out and leave it there but I was pissed off so I started asking her what about the time she was snowed in and couldn't come to work.
She said that was different because she couldn't leave the house. I told her I couldn't leave me room and she started this pishy crap about how I could have sat at the desks and answered phones and all that balls. I said that I had no intention of soiling myself with diarrhea in front of the rest of the staff and that to expect me to do so was inhumane.
I think I made my point but I've a sneaking suspicion she won't forget it to me.
Monday 18 January 2010
Morning in Belfast
Something about being sick makes me appreciate the ability to get out and stay out of the house. I went the long walk to work this morning and had a dander down Botanic Avenue. I went into the new French cafe, where the hippy shop used to be.
Pretty nice menu, you can't go far wrong with a pancake stack, maple syrup and a big mug of coffee, yummy scrummy.
Old man on Botanic Ave wandering around picking up scraps of paper, and throwing them back down again. Wonder if he thought they were cash, there is a recession I suppose.
Standing at the bus stop opposite The Empire a young man in a tracksuit couldn't keep his hands from down the front of his trousers, maybe he has his wallet down there.
Man on the bus kept doing a Jim McDonald and saying "so it is," all while he sat and shot out random sentences about "that's not how it is," and "you can't expect that for minimum wage". In fairness he seemed to be preparing a conversation he was actually going to (or wanting to) have with his boss rather than just randomly talking to himself.
Went into Waterstones to shoplift but couldn't find a book I wanted. Catcher in the Rye was pure class. I really want to get into this reading thing, any recommendations?
In work I was told that I had to have a back to work interview, it's tomorrow. Never had one of them before. Hope it's not a formality for getting fired.
Pretty nice menu, you can't go far wrong with a pancake stack, maple syrup and a big mug of coffee, yummy scrummy.
Old man on Botanic Ave wandering around picking up scraps of paper, and throwing them back down again. Wonder if he thought they were cash, there is a recession I suppose.
Standing at the bus stop opposite The Empire a young man in a tracksuit couldn't keep his hands from down the front of his trousers, maybe he has his wallet down there.
Man on the bus kept doing a Jim McDonald and saying "so it is," all while he sat and shot out random sentences about "that's not how it is," and "you can't expect that for minimum wage". In fairness he seemed to be preparing a conversation he was actually going to (or wanting to) have with his boss rather than just randomly talking to himself.
Went into Waterstones to shoplift but couldn't find a book I wanted. Catcher in the Rye was pure class. I really want to get into this reading thing, any recommendations?
In work I was told that I had to have a back to work interview, it's tomorrow. Never had one of them before. Hope it's not a formality for getting fired.
Sunday 17 January 2010
L-I-V E-R-P double O-L Liverpool FC!
Today I've been feeling better but I'm not going outside incase it aggravates it and I get the sniffles again.
Hot Baby Roy seems fine with Wino Jo's new found friendship because they're both working on the clear assumption that they're getting it on with the girls next door.
They've recently found out that both girls support Liverpool FC and now they're swotting up on all Liverpool related stuff. This won't be easy because neither of them like football at all and slag it off. Now they're all Rafael Benitez and Gerrard might be moving clubs and all that.
I can see it all dying on it's arse the first time they watch football together and either Hot Baby Roy or Wino Jo falls asleep and starts drooling on themselves.
It's going to be balls. Foot-balls. The Leotard Girls foots in Wino Jo and Hot Baby Roy's balls when they find they're just trying to get some hot leotard action. Fuckers the pair of them.
Hot Baby Roy seems fine with Wino Jo's new found friendship because they're both working on the clear assumption that they're getting it on with the girls next door.
They've recently found out that both girls support Liverpool FC and now they're swotting up on all Liverpool related stuff. This won't be easy because neither of them like football at all and slag it off. Now they're all Rafael Benitez and Gerrard might be moving clubs and all that.
I can see it all dying on it's arse the first time they watch football together and either Hot Baby Roy or Wino Jo falls asleep and starts drooling on themselves.
It's going to be balls. Foot-balls. The Leotard Girls foots in Wino Jo and Hot Baby Roy's balls when they find they're just trying to get some hot leotard action. Fuckers the pair of them.
Saturday 16 January 2010
Wino Jo's Crafty Plan
I woke up the other day to find Wino Jo staring at me all bug eyed and smiling.
I asked him what was up and he said that he had fallen in love with this beautiful blonde who lives next door.
I didn't want to break his alcohol/love enlarged heart and tell him that Princess Cheetara was my own one. So I nodded politely.
He told me that this was the thing he needed to help him focus and stay off the bad booze.
This threw up a bit of a dilema because when he sees me walking hand in hand with her along the Lagan Embankment he'll be back under a bridge with a bottle of Scabby Nettle Cider in no time.
He says that Hot Baby Roy is good friends (he rolled his eyes at this) with The Raven Princess Spandex and that he was going to use Hot Baby Roy to get himself close to Princess Cheetara. He sat and sniggered while he talked of how he can't stand Hot Baby Roy and his boring talk of pee the bed mineral and his shit movies but he's been paying him compliments all day and this is his clever plan and when he gets with Princess Cheetara he'll tell Hot Baby Roy what he really thinks of him and spoil his chances, what little ones he has, with The Raven Princess Spandex so that I can have her if I want.
I smiled and nodded because to tell you the truth this is all going to end with someones balls getting kicked up into their mouth and it won't be mine.
I asked him what was up and he said that he had fallen in love with this beautiful blonde who lives next door.
I didn't want to break his alcohol/love enlarged heart and tell him that Princess Cheetara was my own one. So I nodded politely.
He told me that this was the thing he needed to help him focus and stay off the bad booze.
This threw up a bit of a dilema because when he sees me walking hand in hand with her along the Lagan Embankment he'll be back under a bridge with a bottle of Scabby Nettle Cider in no time.
He says that Hot Baby Roy is good friends (he rolled his eyes at this) with The Raven Princess Spandex and that he was going to use Hot Baby Roy to get himself close to Princess Cheetara. He sat and sniggered while he talked of how he can't stand Hot Baby Roy and his boring talk of pee the bed mineral and his shit movies but he's been paying him compliments all day and this is his clever plan and when he gets with Princess Cheetara he'll tell Hot Baby Roy what he really thinks of him and spoil his chances, what little ones he has, with The Raven Princess Spandex so that I can have her if I want.
I smiled and nodded because to tell you the truth this is all going to end with someones balls getting kicked up into their mouth and it won't be mine.
Thursday 14 January 2010
Who Wants to Lick The Bowl
Being sick is pish, I just lie in bed all day wanting to lick the bowl and occasionally boking. It's no fun. To top it off I sometimes hear Hot Baby Roy or Wino Jo trying to make conversation with each other through the floorboards. They're trying to be nice but they really don't have anything to say to each other.
Here's a typical conversation:
"Have you ever drank Dandellion and Burdock?"
(pause)
"I'm off the drink now, you shouldn't ask me about things like that."
(pause)
"It's not alcohol it's mineral."
(pause)
"Oh? No I haven't, what's it like?"
(pause)
"I don't really like it, it's a bit like sasperilla."
(pause)
"What's sasperilla?"
(pause)
"It's a mineral too."
(pause)
"Don't dandillions make you pee the bed?"
(fin)
Here's a typical conversation:
"Have you ever drank Dandellion and Burdock?"
(pause)
"I'm off the drink now, you shouldn't ask me about things like that."
(pause)
"It's not alcohol it's mineral."
(pause)
"Oh? No I haven't, what's it like?"
(pause)
"I don't really like it, it's a bit like sasperilla."
(pause)
"What's sasperilla?"
(pause)
"It's a mineral too."
(pause)
"Don't dandillions make you pee the bed?"
(fin)
Wednesday 13 January 2010
I'm Sick in Bed
Both Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo have been taking care of me now I'm ill. It's very nice because Hot Baby Roy brings me up soup and sits and tells me stories about the Leotard Girls or more about his blossoming relationship with The Raven Princess Spandex. He's getting his hopes up a bit because they haven't even kissed or been on a date yet. I asked him about if she mentioned me and he just stares awkwardly at the ground and changes the subject. He'll regret it if he doesn't help me, that's all I'll say for now.
Wino Jo brings me hot whiskeys and I worry that he maybe drinks some of the whiskey himself but I don't want to get into that conversation because he might stop bringing me them and they give me energy.
I half suspect that they're both waiting on me to fall asleep so they can use my laptop but if I catch them at it I'll break their bones (when I'm better).
I might put on a leotard for comfort, just under my pyjamas. No one will see.
Wino Jo brings me hot whiskeys and I worry that he maybe drinks some of the whiskey himself but I don't want to get into that conversation because he might stop bringing me them and they give me energy.
I half suspect that they're both waiting on me to fall asleep so they can use my laptop but if I catch them at it I'll break their bones (when I'm better).
I might put on a leotard for comfort, just under my pyjamas. No one will see.
Tuesday 12 January 2010
A Visit From The Raven Princess Spandex
It seems that talking Battle Cat for a walk on a pish freezing cold night and doing some good deeds along the way have made me sick. I'm lying in bed supping hot whiskey and milky broth.
The Raven Princess spandex was round and even though she wasn't here to see me it made me feel good having a sexy woman in the house while I was sick. Actually, I was a bit annoyed, why didn't she even stick her head upstairs and say hello, or aw sorry you're poorly? Why?
It's not really fair. If I'd have been at that party I'd have kung-fu flipped all the baddies out the window but all Hot Baby Roy has to do is get bitch slapped and he's someone girls sit round thinking about while listening to Mariah Carey. This isn't fair.
She was laughing and giggling away with him downstairs, and then he went up into his room and had a wank. I could hear it jingling.
I'm going to sleep for a bit.
Things better start looking up soon.
The Raven Princess spandex was round and even though she wasn't here to see me it made me feel good having a sexy woman in the house while I was sick. Actually, I was a bit annoyed, why didn't she even stick her head upstairs and say hello, or aw sorry you're poorly? Why?
It's not really fair. If I'd have been at that party I'd have kung-fu flipped all the baddies out the window but all Hot Baby Roy has to do is get bitch slapped and he's someone girls sit round thinking about while listening to Mariah Carey. This isn't fair.
She was laughing and giggling away with him downstairs, and then he went up into his room and had a wank. I could hear it jingling.
I'm going to sleep for a bit.
Things better start looking up soon.
Sunday 10 January 2010
Don't Let Sammy Wilson Take Charge of the Province!
I had to go for some first aid stuff for Hot Baby Roy, it's the least I could do, especially since Wino Jo was shaking his head and cackling to himself. Ungreatful fucker.
I took Battle Cat for a bit of a dander because snow or no snow, he needs exercise. Once we were out in it it was baltic but we struggled on and made it down to the Lagan. It was frozen and the snow was lying on top of the ice. We birds were landing on it and waddling about.
Some kids were going to go down onto it but I told them not to because the ice mightened be that strong and they'd have fallen through. That's my second good deed of the day done.
The newspapers were plasted with all the Robinson scandle and rumour has it that Sammy Wilson might take over if Robinson goes, and not Nigel Dodds. This is worrying. I used to get visits from a daemon that looked like Sammy Wilson, and I'm not sure it wasn't him!
If we have a daemon in charge I'm getting the fuck out of here before Northern Ireland starts looking like the cross between a snuff movie and ghostbusters.
Don't say you weren't warned.
I took Battle Cat for a bit of a dander because snow or no snow, he needs exercise. Once we were out in it it was baltic but we struggled on and made it down to the Lagan. It was frozen and the snow was lying on top of the ice. We birds were landing on it and waddling about.
Some kids were going to go down onto it but I told them not to because the ice mightened be that strong and they'd have fallen through. That's my second good deed of the day done.
The newspapers were plasted with all the Robinson scandle and rumour has it that Sammy Wilson might take over if Robinson goes, and not Nigel Dodds. This is worrying. I used to get visits from a daemon that looked like Sammy Wilson, and I'm not sure it wasn't him!
If we have a daemon in charge I'm getting the fuck out of here before Northern Ireland starts looking like the cross between a snuff movie and ghostbusters.
Don't say you weren't warned.
Saturday 9 January 2010
Bum Fights
Somehow Wino Jo's old drinking buddy Foosted Wotsit head has found out that Wino Jo is staying with me. Seems he didn't hear that Wino Jo is off the drink and he arrived up at the door with a big three litre Scabby Nettle Gang welcome pack.
Wino Jo was happy to see him but Hot Baby Roy told him to get knotted. That Wino Jo had been dry for a while and was staying dry despite what degenerates like Foosted Wotsit Head tried to do about it.
Foosted Wotsit Head beat the clean shite out of him and showed him that alcos can fight as well as healthy boys anyday, or that was the way Wino Jo put it.
Foosted Wotsit Head didn't give him a severe enough beating though because it wasn't long before Hot Baby Roy was on his feet and in and out of the broom cupboard and beating the shite clean out of Foosted Wotsit head with a baseball bat.
Wino Jo said he just sat back and laughed and he never realised how funny street drunks were until he stopped being one.
I thought this was a shit thing to say about his old mucker Foosted Wotsit Head but since Foosted Wotsit Head fled the city last year when I thought he'd killed Wino Jo in an alcohol fueled rage I patted Hot Baby Roy on the back and told him there was only room for one ginger in this house.
Wino Jo was happy to see him but Hot Baby Roy told him to get knotted. That Wino Jo had been dry for a while and was staying dry despite what degenerates like Foosted Wotsit Head tried to do about it.
Foosted Wotsit Head beat the clean shite out of him and showed him that alcos can fight as well as healthy boys anyday, or that was the way Wino Jo put it.
Foosted Wotsit Head didn't give him a severe enough beating though because it wasn't long before Hot Baby Roy was on his feet and in and out of the broom cupboard and beating the shite clean out of Foosted Wotsit head with a baseball bat.
Wino Jo said he just sat back and laughed and he never realised how funny street drunks were until he stopped being one.
I thought this was a shit thing to say about his old mucker Foosted Wotsit Head but since Foosted Wotsit Head fled the city last year when I thought he'd killed Wino Jo in an alcohol fueled rage I patted Hot Baby Roy on the back and told him there was only room for one ginger in this house.
Friday 8 January 2010
Would You Fuck Iris Robinson?
We sat round in work today discussing who'd fuck Iris Robinson. It turned out no one would apart from Kissy Boy, and it wasn't because he was a big DUP fan but more that he said she had a certain way with her, a sparkle in her smile, but when the girls were away he said that she was a dirt bird and he wouldn't touch her, even for £50000, even if he'd a few bottles of champaigne in him that she bought for him and she was wearing "proper gear" underneath one of her tacky overpriced Lisburn Road "boutique" affairs (no pun intended).
He was getting a bit worked up about it, and I started to suspect he'd only been telling a half truth about not wanting her, but he was saved by an interuption from another member of staff Fat Mo. Fat Mo doesn't say much but he had plenty to say about us slagging off The First Lady. He said that she was the third most important woman in the UK after The Queen and Sarah Brown.
No would could argue against this because no one could be arsed explaining politics to Fat Mo. He went on to say that to think about Iris Robinson was a woman not to be thought of in a sexual way and only a scumbag like Kirk McCambly would do something as outrageous as this. His eyes went all fucked up when he said this like he could almost not comprehend how the guttersnipe had dared to even speak to her.
Little My said that McCambly was a cutie and Book Boy says he looked like the sort of kid people slagged off at school for fucking citrus fruits. Probably, none of us could be sure.
He was getting a bit worked up about it, and I started to suspect he'd only been telling a half truth about not wanting her, but he was saved by an interuption from another member of staff Fat Mo. Fat Mo doesn't say much but he had plenty to say about us slagging off The First Lady. He said that she was the third most important woman in the UK after The Queen and Sarah Brown.
No would could argue against this because no one could be arsed explaining politics to Fat Mo. He went on to say that to think about Iris Robinson was a woman not to be thought of in a sexual way and only a scumbag like Kirk McCambly would do something as outrageous as this. His eyes went all fucked up when he said this like he could almost not comprehend how the guttersnipe had dared to even speak to her.
Little My said that McCambly was a cutie and Book Boy says he looked like the sort of kid people slagged off at school for fucking citrus fruits. Probably, none of us could be sure.
Thursday 7 January 2010
When The Cat's Away It Seems People Wank
If wondered about what Wino Jo and Hot Baby Roy do when I'm not in the house. I know they both try to keep out of each other's way and spoil Battle Cat (because they keep thinking I'm about to boot one of them out) but that doesn't take up the whole day.
Both of them use my laptop and neither know anything about deleting browsing histories.
It's nice to keep an eye on them that way (because I am at heart a nosy bastard).
I don't know who looks up what but last night I made a wee list of google searches that had been done:
Fetishwear Belfast
How to know that a girl likes you as more than a friend
Is ginger hair really unattractive or is this a joke
how to train dogs to attack people
things to do in belfast -pub -bar
family ticket for belfast zoo
gymnastics youtube
Pole dancing classes belfast
squatters rights
duderay blog (oh dear!)
family addiction theory
signs of crack use
criminal justice self defense definition
playparks in south belfast
ATM belfast fivers
good blue blood bad black blood song
subtle sexy music mix tapes for girls
how to make people like you instantly
funny jokes for conversation (not rude)
new years resolutions you can keep
Find Me The Funny
"curtis matthews" "bill hicks"
Some of those are to be expected but some of them are a bit strange and portentious (my new word - book boy tells me a new big word every day at work).
Both of them use my laptop and neither know anything about deleting browsing histories.
It's nice to keep an eye on them that way (because I am at heart a nosy bastard).
I don't know who looks up what but last night I made a wee list of google searches that had been done:
Fetishwear Belfast
How to know that a girl likes you as more than a friend
Is ginger hair really unattractive or is this a joke
how to train dogs to attack people
things to do in belfast -pub -bar
family ticket for belfast zoo
gymnastics youtube
Pole dancing classes belfast
squatters rights
duderay blog (oh dear!)
family addiction theory
signs of crack use
criminal justice self defense definition
playparks in south belfast
ATM belfast fivers
good blue blood bad black blood song
subtle sexy music mix tapes for girls
how to make people like you instantly
funny jokes for conversation (not rude)
new years resolutions you can keep
Find Me The Funny
"curtis matthews" "bill hicks"
Some of those are to be expected but some of them are a bit strange and portentious (my new word - book boy tells me a new big word every day at work).
Wednesday 6 January 2010
Gross Sexual Misconduct at Work
So yesterday the Dwarven Sex Pest feared the worst and brought his mum (who I'd say has been fighting his battles for him and losing them all his life, by the harrasment lines on her face). Him and her were sat in HR all morning and it turns out that he said I'd been bullying him because he 'just happened to say he had a fancy for one of the girls'. I said that this was untrue and that he infact said he wanted to comit a gross sexual act with her on the office floor. I made the words office floor sound most severe as if this were the main offence. It seemed to work, Truffle Shuffle's face wobbled in disgust. In honesty I don't mind if he wants to lick some legs, I'd lick one if it was anyone other than the Dwarven Sex Pest licking the other.
Tuesday 5 January 2010
What is it With Sex?
Seriously like, what the fuck? I've lived in this house for years and barely get a shag the whole time, Hot Baby Roy has lived her about a month and he's about to shag one of the hottest neighbours who's ever lived here? How can this be? He's ginger and reads Barely Legal/Shaved.
Then there's work. I'm about to get the boot because some Dwarven Sex Pest can't just go to the toilets and wank about a twelve foot amazon in peace. I'll go into the specifics another time but he sat in HR crying today while his severe eyed mother patted his hand.
And what about wanking? When the frost and snow thaw it'll still be white outside my house. I... No, wait that's enough for today.
Then there's work. I'm about to get the boot because some Dwarven Sex Pest can't just go to the toilets and wank about a twelve foot amazon in peace. I'll go into the specifics another time but he sat in HR crying today while his severe eyed mother patted his hand.
And what about wanking? When the frost and snow thaw it'll still be white outside my house. I... No, wait that's enough for today.
Monday 4 January 2010
My New Buddy
We had a bunch of new starts in work today, they were doing this thing where they sat with us on the phones for a day and we let them listen to us being professional and showing them the ropes.
Whores Bastard was among them for some reason. Me and Little My told the rest of our group about him. Book Boy says they'll let any old shite in because call centres are on the skids and it's better than putting them in jail. We all gave each other "it's not me, it's you" eyes.
The fellah I had was this wee balding eighteen year old who kept rubbing his crotch when he thought I was watching the computer screen. I asked him what his problem was and he nodded over at the twelve foot amazon sitting purring down the phone beside Kissy Boy (how does the lucky bastard do it!)
"I want to lick her legs," he said in the keenest voice I've ever heard.
"You'd have a dry tongue by the time you got to the top of them," I shrugged. I didn't want him to know I was jealous!
"I'd love a little girl of my own," he whinned, he was half in tears and openly rubbing himself down in front of me.
"She's not a little girl," I said. "You'd need a stepladder to give her a kiss."
"She could lift me up," he said. "I'd love that."
"Shut up for fucksake, people are watching us."
"I'm putting in a complaint about this," said the customer.
I hadn't hung up properly. Fuck this I'm so sick of dickheads. I told him I'd his address and if he put in a complaint he'd be getting a visit. I'd spend my last penny on the plane.
Whores Bastard was among them for some reason. Me and Little My told the rest of our group about him. Book Boy says they'll let any old shite in because call centres are on the skids and it's better than putting them in jail. We all gave each other "it's not me, it's you" eyes.
The fellah I had was this wee balding eighteen year old who kept rubbing his crotch when he thought I was watching the computer screen. I asked him what his problem was and he nodded over at the twelve foot amazon sitting purring down the phone beside Kissy Boy (how does the lucky bastard do it!)
"I want to lick her legs," he said in the keenest voice I've ever heard.
"You'd have a dry tongue by the time you got to the top of them," I shrugged. I didn't want him to know I was jealous!
"I'd love a little girl of my own," he whinned, he was half in tears and openly rubbing himself down in front of me.
"She's not a little girl," I said. "You'd need a stepladder to give her a kiss."
"She could lift me up," he said. "I'd love that."
"Shut up for fucksake, people are watching us."
"I'm putting in a complaint about this," said the customer.
I hadn't hung up properly. Fuck this I'm so sick of dickheads. I told him I'd his address and if he put in a complaint he'd be getting a visit. I'd spend my last penny on the plane.
Sunday 3 January 2010
The Raven Princess Spandex Visits
Working on the assumption that Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo now live with me, The Raven Princess Spandex was our first foot of the year and she didn't bring money, coal or shortbread like she's supposed to. I'm hoping that her beauty is the good luck we need, or I need.
She was a bit strange with me, probably because last time I saw her I boked on myself. She didn't mention it and I felt that I shouldn't.
She asked if Hot Baby Roy was in and I told her that he wasn't. Even though he was up in his bed sleeping. It reminds me of last year when Fabian Wildman and Betty Blue were together and fucking all over the house even though Hot Baby Roy and The Raven Princess Spandex haven't fucked yet (so far as I know).
He keeps saying he's going to visit sex shops on Gresham St and buy a whip for her to hurt him with. I offered him a baseball bat and he considered it but no.
I asked him if they were a couple and he said not yet. I asked him about Princess Cheetara and he says if I leave her for a while she might get me mixed up with Wino Jo and then I can that it was him and not me that boked on himself but for now that door was closed.
I think he wants them both for himself and if he gets them both he'll be getting a round or two with the baseball bat from me.
She was a bit strange with me, probably because last time I saw her I boked on myself. She didn't mention it and I felt that I shouldn't.
She asked if Hot Baby Roy was in and I told her that he wasn't. Even though he was up in his bed sleeping. It reminds me of last year when Fabian Wildman and Betty Blue were together and fucking all over the house even though Hot Baby Roy and The Raven Princess Spandex haven't fucked yet (so far as I know).
He keeps saying he's going to visit sex shops on Gresham St and buy a whip for her to hurt him with. I offered him a baseball bat and he considered it but no.
I asked him if they were a couple and he said not yet. I asked him about Princess Cheetara and he says if I leave her for a while she might get me mixed up with Wino Jo and then I can that it was him and not me that boked on himself but for now that door was closed.
I think he wants them both for himself and if he gets them both he'll be getting a round or two with the baseball bat from me.
Saturday 2 January 2010
Happy New Year
I was in work late on New Year's Eve so when I finally finished I was in no mood to go out partying. I went home to find that Hot Baby Roy was away out (probably with the leotard girls) and Wino Jo was lying sleeping on the couch.
I took battle cat out for a wee walk just so I wasn't sitting in the house but it was so bollocks freezing we were back in after about five minutes.
I texted a few people to wish them a happy new year and drunk half a bottle of whiskey while surfing youtube.
This sounds boring as fuck but in a way it wasn't. My house was nice and warm, I'd some new clothes I'd stolen and some I'd bought with my wages and I lacked that shitty skint feeling that I had when I was on the dole and could never put my finger on what it was.
I'm going to try to build on that this year.
I took battle cat out for a wee walk just so I wasn't sitting in the house but it was so bollocks freezing we were back in after about five minutes.
I texted a few people to wish them a happy new year and drunk half a bottle of whiskey while surfing youtube.
This sounds boring as fuck but in a way it wasn't. My house was nice and warm, I'd some new clothes I'd stolen and some I'd bought with my wages and I lacked that shitty skint feeling that I had when I was on the dole and could never put my finger on what it was.
I'm going to try to build on that this year.
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