Wino Jo's Crafty Plan

I woke up the other day to find Wino Jo staring at me all bug eyed and smiling.

I asked him what was up and he said that he had fallen in love with this beautiful blonde who lives next door.

I didn't want to break his alcohol/love enlarged heart and tell him that Princess Cheetara was my own one. So I nodded politely.

He told me that this was the thing he needed to help him focus and stay off the bad booze.

This threw up a bit of a dilema because when he sees me walking hand in hand with her along the Lagan Embankment he'll be back under a bridge with a bottle of Scabby Nettle Cider in no time.

He says that Hot Baby Roy is good friends (he rolled his eyes at this) with The Raven Princess Spandex and that he was going to use Hot Baby Roy to get himself close to Princess Cheetara. He sat and sniggered while he talked of how he can't stand Hot Baby Roy and his boring talk of pee the bed mineral and his shit movies but he's been paying him compliments all day and this is his clever plan and when he gets with Princess Cheetara he'll tell Hot Baby Roy what he really thinks of him and spoil his chances, what little ones he has, with The Raven Princess Spandex so that I can have her if I want.

I smiled and nodded because to tell you the truth this is all going to end with someones balls getting kicked up into their mouth and it won't be mine.

Who Wants to Lick The Bowl

Being sick is pish, I just lie in bed all day wanting to lick the bowl and occasionally boking. It's no fun. To top it off I sometimes hear Hot Baby Roy or Wino Jo trying to make conversation with each other through the floorboards. They're trying to be nice but they really don't have anything to say to each other.

Here's a typical conversation:

"Have you ever drank Dandellion and Burdock?"
(pause)
"I'm off the drink now, you shouldn't ask me about things like that."
(pause)
"It's not alcohol it's mineral."
(pause)
"Oh? No I haven't, what's it like?"
(pause)
"I don't really like it, it's a bit like sasperilla."
(pause)
"What's sasperilla?"
(pause)
"It's a mineral too."
(pause)
"Don't dandillions make you pee the bed?"
(fin)