Eamon and Lost Chances at Love

Do you ever think about Eamon, I've been thinking about him a lot recently. He came along talking about this girl that dissed him, and he wasn't going to let it rest where it rested. And he didn't! He wrote this song, and it called her a hoe (like a bad girl) and he was telling everyone that she had been nasty to him. I could believe in that.

Partly because I couldn't get with certain girls that I wanted, and I know that was cheap, but also because these girls went with total assholes, and in later years I thought to myself that this wasn't on, and I'm always coming back to Eamon.

I only saw the video for the first time the other day when I went on youtube thinking about how I couldn't get the girls I wanted or how they wanted some lesser guy (it's okay ladies I'm not overqualified for your love). The video is nasty. Fucking Eamon throws a pizza on the floor that he's supposedly sharing with the girl, and you can bet she had to pay for the fucking thing, what a nasty bastard, wasting food, embarrassing a girl and telling people nasty raps about her.

I'm glad she wrote a song back, at the time I viewed it as what nasty girls said to get away with being nasty, but now I'm starting to see that Eamon wasn't speaking for all men; Eamon was speaking for Eamon and his limp wang.

Fuck him.

On The Day That JD Salinger Died

Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo are on the huff since I stopped them making dicks out of themselves in front of the Leotard Girl, no sweat guys. You're fucking welcome.

Anyways I took myself off down to Stranmillis because I've got to sort out My Protege, Nanny Boo Boo says he was up shouting out the front of her house and she told him to go away. He told her to suck his balls and she told him she would when they dropped. Then he burst into tears and ran away screaming.

I told her I would twist his balls for him, but I won't.

I'm going to give him one last chance to not be a dick and if he doesn't take it he's in trouble.

I found him outside Cutters Wharf human beatboxing. When he saw me coming he started screaming:

"He's gay! He's gay! He wears women's clothes!"

There weren't any passers by so no one but me gave a fuck.

I walked up to him and put my copy of Catcher in the Rye in his hands and told him all about JD Salinger being dead and how this was the book for him. This was my next lesson.

He took it and kicked it into the River Lagan.

I told him there and then that I was going to do something really nasty to him but I wasn't going to do it now, I wasn't going to tell him when, it might be soon or I might wait a few years but either way at some point I was going to do something really fucking nasty and when I did it he'd know that he deserved it for being a wee ballbag.

He screamed and ran away. I pinged a stone after him and it hit him on the head and he fell on his hoop with another scream. That isn't the nasty thing, and to be honest it's not even a taster. He's in trouble.