Nanny Boo Boo Is

Today I went down to Nanny Boo Boo's to ask her to Fabian Wildman's leaving do. When I got there she was icing a cake. She asked me to go into the cupboard and get a nice bottle of the two for one pinotage out.

"Are we bringing this up to Fabian Wildman?" I asked.

"No," she said. "Me and you are going to drink it and eat this cake."

I opened the wine and asked her why'd she bake a cake for me.

She said that Fabian Wildman's been visiting her a lot. She said he's worried about me. He thinks I'm depressed. He says I sit about the house watching videos most of the time. Plus she said she likes to bake cakes and eat them but she's putting on weight because she doesn't usually have anyone to eat them with, so today I was having half.

That's weird Fabian Wildman telling Nanny Boo Boo this, he's usually so good at telling me things upfront.

I told her I did sit around watching videos but that I wasn't depressed. I told her that I'd like a sweetheart but that I didn't know any hot girls. That I'd got myself a protege, and I was going to exploit him while teaching about how the world is full of bastards (namely by being a bastard to him).

She asked me why I couldn't be nice and help him avoid the pitfalls of growing up.

I told her that if I did this then he'd think every time he fucked up that someone would come along and help him out, whereas people normally see you making a balls up as an opportunity to sink the boot in you.

She says that's not strictly true. She said I had her and Fabian Wildman and Battle Cat to help me out and that they all get help from me, so everyone looks after each other and it's nice.

I told her that this wasn't always the case, and I spent a few lonely years just pulling myself out of scrapes or laying low until the dust settled, but that I was glad other people had my back.

She said that I should help this kid out and that he maybe needs a break.

I told her that it was the wee guy who was sticking bangers up cats arses.

"Oh?" she said. "In that case, kick him so hard in the arse you break his tailbone."

Then we drank both bottles of wine and ate the rest of the cake and Nanny Boo Boo kept telling me about ideas she had for how I could maim and damage my protege, as they came to her. Some of them were right and fucked up and I've no doubt if we'd never met and she still had Battle Cat he'd have eaten someone by now.

Tuesday Kid the Teacher - Lesson 1

I went down to Stranmillis today to speak to the wee lad about sticking bangers up cats arses. It turned out he was about 16, 17 and not a wee kid at all. So I slapped the fuck out of him and told him that it was about time he grew out of doing that. He said he'd get the peelers on me because he was too young for me to hit. I told him if he was old enough for the army then he was old enough for me to give a kicking to.

He cried and said that he'd tell his da. I told him that his da had done nothing wrong and I didn't want to slap the fuck out of him but I might let my dog bite him if he gets on my wick about teaching his son the lessons he should have a long time ago.

He asked if I thought it was right that parents hit their kids.

I told him no but that since I was in no position to ground him or stop his pocket money the only option I had was to give him a kicking.

He said that he felt he needed a role model like me in his life, because I was cool and his da was not down wiv da kids (he didn't really say this bit but I could see it in his face, his eyes especially!)

He said he wouldn't hurt cats anymore and asked me to go in for him to the off-licence. I took his money and fucked off home with it. Lesson one.

Nanny Boo Boo Is a Weird aul Doll

In his state of dreaded lurgy Fabian Wildman has been blasting out hot radio all day. I was so super fucked off because for some reason he kept blasting out some song by the rugrats that kept going "flying a kite, flying a kite," loads of times.

I had to get the fuck out so me and Battle Cat went down to see Nanny Boo Boo and she told us about some wee fellah round her way that was sticking bangers up cats arses and she wanted me or Fabian Wildman to give him a digging. She said it would be better if I did it because Fabian Wildman was such a skinny wee creater he might get a digging off the wee lad's da.

I told her Fabian Wildman could win fights all day long except that he has the sniffles now but someday soon that wee lad's going to be lying flat on his back with no teeth and his mouth pishing blood.

Battle Cat woofed at this.

I told her that Battle Cat would bite him too.

She then said that was great and told us she'd say we were with her when it happened.

To be honest I've no intention of beating up a child but it makes Nanny Boo Boo feel safe when you tell her that you'll beat people up for her. I might just go find the wee lad and tell him it was my cat and scare him a bit, either way, she'll never know.