Hot Baby Roy is Here To Stay

Hot Baby Roy told me last night that his landlord phoned him asking why he hadn't been at the house for a few weeks. Hot Baby Roy told him that he'd had death threats (which is at least an exageration and probably a complete lie) and the landlord told him that the house was a mess and that Hot Baby Roy could fuck off because if he ever saw him again he'd break his bones.

Hot Baby Roy screamed and hung up on him. Now it seems Hot Baby Roy is here to stay. I knew it from the start, still it has its come at the best time because I need Hot Baby Roy to help me get back into the Leotard Girls good favour.

I asked him how much of a mess his old house was and he just shrugged and said "a bit of wank here and there but the place was a dump anyway."

He saw I looked less than impressed and he shouted "it's okay I won't wank here, I respect the people I share with."

I don't believe him. I think he wanks on the sofa when the house is free.

Little My is Boring as Fuck

In work today Little My has been boasting like fuck all about what her boyfriend bought her for Christmas and more importantly how much it all cost and how she checked the price of it in the shops and her man isn't cheap. They've only been going out a few weeks so he might be an arsehole. Kissy Boy says he's definitely an arsehole, not just for the money he spent but for going out with Little My in the first place.

He asked her what did she buy him and Little My said that it was the man's place to splash the cash.

It'll all end in tears, hopefully hers.

She told a story all about how her man told some guy in a pub to "fuck aff" and it was some craic and how her and all her mates have some craic slagging the pish out of each other.

It sounds like a San and Tray appreciation society.

Little My's ma Big My sits in the bar and tells dickheads to shut up and she hit someone a dig in the face and it was all too much to listen to. I looked round to see that no one else was listening either.

As Little My finished her story no one laughed in the right place so she told it again, louder with more cursing.

No one laughed this time either.

She said, "there's something wrong with you folk, no one here's any craic."

I nearly bought some crack when we got out wages but I didn't want to tell anyone. There were fuck all calls coming in so I'm just waiting for Little My to shut up or the shift to end.

Just Another Series of Fights, Arguements and Fuck All Else

So Hot Baby Roy was supposed to get his dole on the 23rd and he gets it and goes and gets pished and all that but then on Christmas Eve when he's trying to buy presents (he says) he finds out that they've fucked it up and only given him one weeks money. In my experience of being on the dole those fuckers at the Conor Building on Great Victoria Street couldn't run their fingers up their own arses. The most useless bunch of fuckers there is.

Anyway he says that's the reason he's bought us shit presents. I personally don't care because I know he doesn't have much money and Wino Jo was threatening to stab him a week ago so I'm surprised he's buying him anything.

He gets me a copy of FHM with the calender which is great because it has Pixie Lott and Eliza Dushku in it so yum yum. He gets Wino Jo a whoopie cushion from the joke shop which Wino Jo has lots of fun with. He knows what he's doing when it comes to Battle Cat and gets him this cool as fuck collar which will make Battle Cat look like a big mean dog even though he's really soft as shite.

Wino Jo bought us both tank tops, which he says is in fashion but I remember seeing him wearing these about five years ago so I'm not convinced.

I bought them both fancy aftershave because they both lack in this department. Hugo Selection for Wino Jo and CK One for Hot Baby Roy, neither of them nice as mine but you don't have to put yourself at the back of the queue when helping out others.
Battle Cat got a new blanket and a big juicy bone.

As for the fights, arguements and fuck all else it didn't happen with us, we just had a nice time and fell asleep watching TV with our faces stuffed.

Hope everyone else had a good Christmas.

Sometimes things can be nice

Last night I went round Nanny Boo Boo's. She said that she knows what happens in my blog and she's none too impressed. She said that I shouldn't be getting pished and talking down about my mates even if I think they've made a mess. She said Hot Baby Roy is a mess but he means well and she thinks that he could be a good guy to get in with those aerobics girls.

I told her that they wear leotards and she said that I wasn't at her house to score points. She said she rooted for me and anyone who was on my side. We talked about how we'd only known each other since this year and I told her that if Battle Cat could have wondered into anyone elses garden I'm glad he didn't because I think Nanny Boo Boo is great. She gave me a pair of socks and I half smiled and then she gave me a bottle of gin and said she's glad I don't smoke crack, and I felt a bit self conscious because I never really knew how much some people I know keep an eye on me. It's funny but Nanny Boo Boo makes me feel like I've more back up than I think sometimes.

Battle Cat was with me and the two of them had a right old time. I had bought her a gift. I'm shite shopping for presents so I won't say what but I think it was okay. I hope you're all doing well. Merry Christmas and thanks for reading this.

That's Bad Crack

So I got my pay and headed straight up to get some crack but my old crack dealer isn't there any more, probably busted. I deleted all my numbers when I gave it up. Fuck that. Hot Baby Roy might have some numbers on his phone so I fucked off to the house to see if I could get hold of his phone.

I bought a bottle of gin on the way and was pure pished by the time I reached the house. The Raven Princess Spandex came to the door and I started babbling away about how hot she was and I was sorry if Hot Baby Roy had tried to steal one of her leotards. And just as I started to catch on she'd been looking puzzled for ages I shut up.

"Hot Baby Roy was great, some guys showed up and started trashing the place and he stopped them. I just wanted to give him this," she put a present in my hand and I didn't know what to say, so I boked all over myself.

"I hope none of that hit you," I said to her as I slid down the wall.

The Raven Princess Spandex is so hot, and now I've no chance. I've been so embarrased I've been up in my room sobbing and swaying gently, I still hope I can fix this.

Who needs to lick the bowl?

Fuck this I'm going back on the crack

I confronted Hot Baby Roy today about his black eyes and asked him what he did at the party. He told me that if I was so concerned I'd have been there. I told him I had to sort out other things but I don't want our neighbours hating us and if he's done something he needs to tell me so I can put it right.

He rolled his eyes and went outside taking Battle Cat with him for a walk. He muttered something about me being a "skinny hoss bastard," and Battle Cat growled a bit at him. Glad to see he's still loyal to me.

I can't believe what a mess this whole thing's turning out. Work is shite too, I sat most of today in the disabled toilets sniffing a sharpie and trying not to cry.

I just want to get paid (tomorrow) and get some crack in me.

Talking Street Drinking and Missing Cool Partys

Hot Baby Roy left for the party looking cool last night and I sat in with Wino Jo, who was in a wile state thinking he was back on the drink. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I'd beat him up in his sleep.

Hot Baby Roy was spurting all this shite about spandex and making fetish videos with the Leotard Girls once he had one or more of them for a girlfriend. It was not fucking fair. He's going to ruin our chances with them when he lets his drooling hard on do the talking, bastard.

I told him that I wasn't going to save him if some big musclebound lughead beats him up.

He went away saying I'd thank him for it when I saw it working.

Hot Baby Roy heard the loud music coming from next door a bit later and he asked what was happening.

I told him there was a party and we'd been invited if he wanted to go. He said that he'd probably make a dick out of me if he went there and got drunk.

I told him Hot Baby Roy was probably already doing that for me.

I took him for a walk into the city centre because I couldn't hack him sitting round the house in the state he was in. I thought it would make him calm down a bit.

This made him worse, he kept seeing all the tramps and saying "there's where I'll end up."

I the end I stopped outside a pub and told him that I'd go in with him and make sure he didn't drink. I wouldn't drink either.

He was scared to go in but I told him that I'd look after him.

He agreed that he'd go in for a coca-cola.

When we went in there was live music playing and he sat and talked to me about how the music was decent and I told him that he needed to learn to let other people do what they wanted and that it was okay if other people have different tastes.

He said that he had a right to say if things were bad. I told him he did but sometimes you just have to let things go and let other people do whatever is making them happy.

He said that was a fair point and said that he wouldn't stab Hot Baby Roy. We drank our mineral and went home.

He seemed calmer and he went for a walk earlier when Hot Baby Roy stuck on a mucky DVD.

Hot Baby Roy isn't talking about the party but he has a black eye and came home in tears last night. I'll get to the bottom soon enough.

My Cool Plans Backfire

Wino Jo was in a terrible state this morning. When I came down the stairs he was sitting shaking and drinking a big mug of black coffee.

"I think I'm back on the drink," he said.

"Why's that?" I said looking into his battered tear stained face.

"I've taken a terrible kicking, I must have been pished as fuck last night. I don't remember a thing."

I felt terrible. The kicking was meant to put him in his place, not make him think he's having blackouts.

It's the The Raven Princess Spandex and Princess Cheetara's party tonight and now I can't bring Wino Jo and I can't leave him alone because he was telling me he was going to go and down a bottle of Joop.

Now I'm going to have to let Hot Baby Roy go on his own and fuck things up for us.

Wino Jo Needs To Go!

Wino Jo threw another fit last night and told me that he was going to stab Hot Baby Roy if he brought another filthy video into the house.

I told him that they were DVDs and he smashed a cup. He threw it against the window but we have double glazing so it didn't break it.

He told me that he needed to show Hot Baby Roy and me about decency and how to live our lives.

I started thinking about how he lived with my metaller brother with all his heavy metal about sex and killing and occult stuff. Wino Jo says my metaller brother toes the line.

I rang my metaller brother and he told me he kicked Wino Jo out to fuck after he melted a Rage Against The Machine CD on him and wished me luck with the weird fucker.

I told him I couldn't be arsed and warned Hot Baby Roy that he might get stabbed. I'm going to beat Wino Jo up in his sleep tonight and give him nightmares to make him move out. Hope it works. Wish me luck.

How to Kick a Housemate Out?

So Wino Jo missed his train the other night because of hot card game action and I left him stay. I was nice having him and I was planning on letting him live at mine. I'd even half said to him. There'd be a problem with Hot Baby Roy having to go but family is family like they're always saying on Eastenders and in shit London gangster flicks (one and the same I suppose).

So I'm mulling over in my head how to do it when Hot Baby Roy suggests watching a movie he's stolen from HMV - Blue Crush.

It's about surfer girls and stuff they do, like surf and have full-on relationships with surfer guys.

The movie was taking off and it was a swell pile of balls when Wino Jo jumps up and shouts:

"What a load of shite? I refuuuuuuuuuuuuuse to watch this filth!"

"What's wrong?" says Hot Baby Roy, all startled. I had to half-agree with Wino Jo it was a stinker.

"Semi-naked girls! gyrating on surf boards! This will not do. It's complete filth!"

"That's not filth, that's real life," Hot Baby Roy said, a complete look of disbelief on his face.

"This sort of stuff makes people murderers and rapists," Wino Jo shouted out and saliva was running down his face and he was swinging his fists wildly in the air like he was about to go for Hot Baby Roy.

"Calm down for fuck sake," I shouted. "It might be shite, but all that other stuff is pure balls"

Wino Jo shot me a look like he might swing for me.

"If you're staying here you can either watch what we watch or you can go for a walk until it's finished. There's nothing wrong with watching something that's getting you ready for a wank before bed," I said.

That was the end of that but I know more bullshit is going to come in the next few days. I might have to ask Wino Jo to leave. He's not coming to the party at the Leotard Girls with that mouth. He'll blow our chances of sex!

The Correct Rules of Jack Change It

My Brother Wino Jo called round last night. Because he's still tee-total we couldn't drink in front of him (we could but it's a bit like rubbing it in his face) and we thought it wasn't wise to sniff felt tips or talk about shoplifting.

We played cards with him because this is nice and wholesome. No gambling because he starts talking about addiction when you even mention lottery tickets.

We played Jack Change It. Now most people play with a lot of balls rules that are a load of shite and Hot Baby Roy was no exception. Here are the definitive rules. Anyone who says anything else is talking shite:

Everyone is given 7 cards at the start. The object of the game is to get rid of your cards first.

The top card on the remaining pile is turned up. This is the starting card and determines the starting suit.

You can only put down cards belonging to the suit currently in play. There are two exceptions to this. The first is if you have a jack, putting down a jack allows you to change to any suit of your choice, or keep the current suit. You can play a matching card. For example, if a 5 of clubs is in play a 5 of hearts can be placed on top, this changes the suit in play to hearts.

If you cannot play a card you take a card off the top of the remaining pile. When this pile is done the played cards are turned over (bar the top one) and are used to pick up from.

Trick cards are as follows:

2s: If you play a 2 the next player picks up 2 cards, unless they have a 2 in which case they can play it and make the next player pick up 4 (this can continue up to 8).

8: 8 makes the next player miss a turn (regardless of whether they have an 8).

Ace of Hearts: This makes the next player pick up 5. This cannot be passed on or avoided at all. The ace of hearts is the only ace with a trick value.

Jack: as previously stated this allows you to keep the current suit or change it to a suit of your choosing.

Queen: There is a rule that queen changes direction though this isn't played much anymore and can be omitted if players choose to.

After playing your penutimate card you must say last card or you are not allowed to play it. You must pick up on your next go.

If anyone plays with other rules they are not playing Jack Change It and can fuck off.

That's what we said to Hot Baby Roy and he choose to play by the rules.

Wino Jo said he was glad to see me and that he hoped we could see more of each other now he was getting his life sorted out. He doesn't have a job yet but he's applying and he'd like to move back to Belfast soon.

Shoplifting out of Urban Outfitters and Top Man is easy

Hot Baby Roy met me after work and asked me if I was ready to get all cooled up. I told him I was going to turn the streets of Belfast into a skating rink with my ice cold coolness. He told me that people haven't said 'Ice Cold' in years, and he looked away that way you do when someone says something that makes you think they're a wanker.

I let him walk on and spat on his back for that. I made sure I wiped it off before we reached the shops because much as I wanted people to laugh at him I didn't want the shop assistants to notice us on the rob.

I'm not going into details but I will say that Urban Outfitters and Top Man are easy as fuck to shoplift from and we are cool looking as fuck.

On our way home this indie girl was giving us sexy eyes all the way along the street, after seeing that we were wearing the clothes from these cool shops (yes we walked out wearing them, leaving our flee bitten rags in the changing rooms). Hot Baby Roy said she was too old but I told him she looked to only be about 19 he said that she was older and said she'd had everything between her legs but a bar of soap.

I'm not sure she was the dirty one.

Hot Baby Roy Talks Ego

Hot Baby Roy was up this morning when I was getting ready to go to work. He said he was taking Battle Cat for an extra special long walk. Battle Cat looked really happy, wagging his tail and thumping it off the floor. Hot Baby Roy looked worried.

He said that we need to make sure that we look cool at this party too and that we need to get new outfits. I told him I'd no money. He said there was a time that wouldn't have stopped me.

He also said we needed to make sure we knew about all the latest stuff in the charts because the Leotard Girls would want guys who knew about stuff like the Saturdays. Especially The Raven Princess Spandex (the black haired one who Hot Baby Roy says I have to like best because he likes Princess Cheetara best (the blonde one)).

He told me about a girl group called the Saturdays and how in their new video they were dressed as superheroines. He says his favourites are Rochelle and Frankie because they used to be in the S Club Juniors, then he saw the look of suspicion on my face and shouted "S Club 8! I mean S Club 8!"

Then he showed me the vid for their new song Ego. I know the bastard's going to wank all round the house to it after I've gone to work.

Hot Leotard Muscle Party Time

One of the Leotard Girls came round to the house today, it was the one with the black hair. Hot Baby Roy was out walking Battle Cat. I've seen this pattern before. Fabian Wildman used it go get his feet under the table and I just can't feel bad towards someone who's nice to Battle Cat.

Anyway she asked if we would like to come to a party at their house this weekend. I was very happy but with them being sporty they probably know big beefy muscle men and me and Hot Baby Roy (oh fucking dear) are going to have our work cut out pulling them with the beefy boys in town.

I went upstairs to do some press-ups and found that I could only do five before my arms stopped working, Hot Baby Roy came back to find me lying on the ground sweaty and panting.

He thought I was doing a cool new wank but I told him we need to beef up for the Leotard Girl's party this weekend or we're never going to pull them.

Cleaning up Bad Stranmillis

I went down to see Nanny Boo Boo today. It seems that My Protege has turned into a right wee shite and is turning Stranmillis into a violent ghetto. I told her that it's time I took to the streets and kicked his ass Equalizer style.

I went and found the bozos he hangs with. Nanny Boo Boo says he shoots dope with them. I grabbed one of them by the arm and pointed at the track marks.

"Get clean, you flithy bastard."

I nutted the bozo in the face and asked where My Protege was. A girl said that he was in hiding from my big gay ways.

I kissed her passionately so she knew what thug passion was running in my viens.

She burst into tears and said she hopes she didn't catch STDs from me, her running with her dope shooting pals.

I told her I didn't have the STDS and I wasn't going to let them turn Stranmillis into a bad dope den.

Hungry for Love and Crack

So this morning I called in sick to work. I'm not enjoying it and I spend the weekends doing everything that I had to put off during the week. Plus with working Monday to Friday (my training lot are going to be put on shift patterns next week so that we'll be working some weekends and some late nights, with weekdays and mornings off) I've missed out on things like going to the bank to scrounge money. I want an overdraft and a credit card that I'm going to max out and change address when they ask for the money back.

Hot Baby Roy was all twitchy this morning and asked me if I ever fancied going back on crack. I told him no, even though I get tempted (now more than in the past). I told him that all I needed was a few felt tips once in a while and just enough whiskey to make me boke in my mouth and leave that smokey aftertaste.

He said he gets tempted, though what he really wants is true love. I told him that true love doesn't exist outside of his DVDs. He pulled a face like a child who has been told they're not getting that gift you promised them.

Then he said he had something in his eye and ran upstairs to the bathroom. I heard some sobbing through the door and he had a big red face when he came out.

He asked me if we could have a party and invite the Leotard Girls. I told him maybe. He smiled a bit but he'd big bloodshot eyes and a look that said he was hungry for love.

Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince

Hot Baby Roy had Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince and a big bowl of home popped pop-corn waiting for me when I got home last night.

He was so excited and said this was going to be the best thing since we met the Leotard Girls. I was very excited too and had been lucky to have bought a big bag of Doritos on the way home.

We sat down and got ready for a whole evening of Hermione and the other peeps. Hot Baby Roy very quickly started talking about how sexy Emma Watson looked but I asked him not to break my suspension of disbelief; I liked to think I was spending the evening with Hermione Granger, not an actress playing her.

He said this was cool and we watched the whole thing without him spoiling it for me once, we salivated and mopped it off or mouths and chins with doritos and popcorn then at the end of the evening sad as we were (I won't spoil the ending) we went up stairs and wanked. (I could say I assumed that Hot Baby Roy wanked but that's like saying if it's wet outside that you assumed it has rained, not that I saw any fluid from him).

Ice Cold in the Face of the Truffle Shuffle

This morning I was called into the manager's office. Not London Girl's wee cubicle but the big head honcho guy. He's a big English squadie whose face wobbles when he gets angry. He was bloody fuming at me today and his face was getting on lick chunks belly when he does the truffle shuffle.



There, that's his fat fucker face. I sat there like Corey Feldman trying to keep ice cold (like Andre 3000) but big chunks of Truffle Shuffle's spit went all over my face. He also can't say his fs and launches into them like an exhausted hurdler smashing himself and the hurdle into shite as he misjudges the jump or his energy or both. Using this technique Truffle Shuffle can throw his breath in the same way a ventriloquist can throw a dummy.

Anyways it was about my being a bad mawfucka on the phones. I'm not getting the sack but I am on a final warning.

Kissy Boy gave me the thumbs up when I told everyone. Ice Cold.

Sleepwalking Underwear Thief

So I was lying in bed last night trying to sleep after a hard week's work when I hear Hot Baby Roy open his room door and shuffle off down the stairs. He's walking funny by the sound of things so I go out and follow him. I catch him in a pair of tatty blue y-fronts heading towards the back door with one eye open.

"Hot Baby Roy, get back here now."

"I'm sleepwalking," he says turning round. He'd this look on his face like he was so innocent of whatever it was I was blaming him for but Fabian Wildman used to sleepwalk so I now what proper sleepwalking looks like. I told him so.

"Don't blame me because Fabian Wildman fucked off with a gang of snobby pricks, there was a time you'd have been over that fence the day after they'd moved in."

"I don't want to be sitting wearing stolen panties on my head," I told him. "I want a girl of my own, so I can do this stuff without anyone calling the police. Maybe you should try that too, instead of fucking it up for yourself. Running around with DVDs full of barely legal girls, catch a fucking grip."

"I don't watch them for the girls," he said. "I watch them because they express a naive but touching view of love, as something to get excited and giggle about with your mates. Not some tough strained life crushing series of events that leaves you fucked up and bitter. I want to believe, there's nothing wrong with that."

This sounds suspect, especially because it's coming from a grown man who's just faked sleepwalking to get his hands on some girl's clean knickers.

First One To Leave

Rap Superstar quit today. Not in a big dramatic fuck you to the boss or anything. He'd handed in his notice last week and off he went (after emailing us all a shite rhyming couplet or two to say farewell). He's the first from our training group to go (the ones that made it past training that is - 9 left). Didn't last long.

Me and Little My were talking about it when Kissy Boy told us that there was only him and Book Boy left from their training groups and they'd been there only two months.

Seems turn over is really high in this job, so he says they're unlikely to fire me because they don't like letting people go after training them up, because they find it hard to hold to people anyway. Even if they do get cheap bowling at the Odyssey (company perk).

London Girl is still trying to make me sweat but Kissy Boy says that's just her way, he's had five final warnings but knows he's in with the bricks.

New-ish Neighbours

Hot Baby Roy keeps talking about going round to see the "leotard girls" next door, and the last thing I want is them to meet him and him get the cops called. He's already talking about when they put their washing out he's going over the backyard fence to get some of it. I've told him he's out if he does but I go to bed a lot earlier than him so I can't keep watch all the time.

So I went round there myself to say hi, even though they've been there over a month.

They were very friendly and invited me in. Not a leotard in sight, though they are very beautiful. I now saw why Hot Baby Roy can't keep his mouth shut about them.

They asked if Hot Baby Roy lived with me. I said it's a temporary thing and they said it was nice of me to look after him. I think they meant in a carer sense but I didn't ask for clarification. It's his own fault the way he screws his face up and it goes red and he hops about like he's trying not to piss himself every time he talks about them.

By the sounds of things every guy on the street has come sniffing round them looking for a date even old Mr. Spoon, who asked if they wanted a glass of his burdock wine.

I didn't ask them out, not because I didn't want to but because I'm skint until my wages come in. Then I went home and salivated with Hot Baby Roy, I still won't let him steal things off their washing line though.

Spare Keys and Credit Card Details

I had to go and get a key cut on my lunch break today because Hot Baby Roy said he never had one last time he stayed. He said that Fabian Wildman must have kept his after he moved out. I didn't like the idea of him running about with a key because if he goes back onto crack he'll come round on the rob.

My boss was nice to me today, not especially just really cheery, which if my memory serves me (and with all the crack I've smoked sometimes it doesn't) means I'm about to get the boot. I made note of two wanky customers credit card details today, no sense ripping off nice people.

On the way home I thought up a song about needing money and asking people to spare change. I wrote it down but I saw a tramp in the rain with not much in his cup so I gave it to him. Should have kept it, might need it in a few weeks.

Getting Fired From Work

I might be getting fired from work for telling someone to smell my ring (when I came in drunk). London Girl called me into her cubicle (if she was a proper boss she'd have an office) and gave me a big officious talk about our company and how it value's customer service. I just nodded and said that it wasn't me. She said I'd find out later in the week if she was going to take it any further. If she does she might find that I've taken down some customer credit card details for when the money runs out, but by then I'll be long gone.

Up her hole.

With that Hot Baby Roy was waiting outside my house when I got home from work today. He was all excited and grinning so much I asked him if he was in pain. He said no but while he was waiting for me my neighbour went running into her house and he couldn't wait to get to know her.

I asked him did he not meet her at my birthday. He says he was too wing-wanged to be thinking about pussy but that he spoke to her while she was getting her keys out and that she teaches aerobics, which means she has lots of leotards and he'd seen Buns of Steel loads of times so he'd have lots to talk about with her.

He was salivating at the mouth so to calm him down I asked him what he wanted.

He asked if he could stay at mine for a few days because this gang was going to kick the shite out of him.

I couldn't refuse, he'd everything (including a set of shite DVDs) in a paper Primark bag.