Thursday, 17 December 2009

How to Kick a Housemate Out?

So Wino Jo missed his train the other night because of hot card game action and I left him stay. I was nice having him and I was planning on letting him live at mine. I'd even half said to him. There'd be a problem with Hot Baby Roy having to go but family is family like they're always saying on Eastenders and in shit London gangster flicks (one and the same I suppose).

So I'm mulling over in my head how to do it when Hot Baby Roy suggests watching a movie he's stolen from HMV - Blue Crush.

It's about surfer girls and stuff they do, like surf and have full-on relationships with surfer guys.

The movie was taking off and it was a swell pile of balls when Wino Jo jumps up and shouts:

"What a load of shite? I refuuuuuuuuuuuuuse to watch this filth!"

"What's wrong?" says Hot Baby Roy, all startled. I had to half-agree with Wino Jo it was a stinker.

"Semi-naked girls! gyrating on surf boards! This will not do. It's complete filth!"

"That's not filth, that's real life," Hot Baby Roy said, a complete look of disbelief on his face.

"This sort of stuff makes people murderers and rapists," Wino Jo shouted out and saliva was running down his face and he was swinging his fists wildly in the air like he was about to go for Hot Baby Roy.

"Calm down for fuck sake," I shouted. "It might be shite, but all that other stuff is pure balls"

Wino Jo shot me a look like he might swing for me.

"If you're staying here you can either watch what we watch or you can go for a walk until it's finished. There's nothing wrong with watching something that's getting you ready for a wank before bed," I said.

That was the end of that but I know more bullshit is going to come in the next few days. I might have to ask Wino Jo to leave. He's not coming to the party at the Leotard Girls with that mouth. He'll blow our chances of sex!

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

The Correct Rules of Jack Change It

My Brother Wino Jo called round last night. Because he's still tee-total we couldn't drink in front of him (we could but it's a bit like rubbing it in his face) and we thought it wasn't wise to sniff felt tips or talk about shoplifting.

We played cards with him because this is nice and wholesome. No gambling because he starts talking about addiction when you even mention lottery tickets.

We played Jack Change It. Now most people play with a lot of balls rules that are a load of shite and Hot Baby Roy was no exception. Here are the definitive rules. Anyone who says anything else is talking shite:

Everyone is given 7 cards at the start. The object of the game is to get rid of your cards first.

The top card on the remaining pile is turned up. This is the starting card and determines the starting suit.

You can only put down cards belonging to the suit currently in play. There are two exceptions to this. The first is if you have a jack, putting down a jack allows you to change to any suit of your choice, or keep the current suit. You can play a matching card. For example, if a 5 of clubs is in play a 5 of hearts can be placed on top, this changes the suit in play to hearts.

If you cannot play a card you take a card off the top of the remaining pile. When this pile is done the played cards are turned over (bar the top one) and are used to pick up from.

Trick cards are as follows:

2s: If you play a 2 the next player picks up 2 cards, unless they have a 2 in which case they can play it and make the next player pick up 4 (this can continue up to 8).

8: 8 makes the next player miss a turn (regardless of whether they have an 8).

Ace of Hearts: This makes the next player pick up 5. This cannot be passed on or avoided at all. The ace of hearts is the only ace with a trick value.

Jack: as previously stated this allows you to keep the current suit or change it to a suit of your choosing.

Queen: There is a rule that queen changes direction though this isn't played much anymore and can be omitted if players choose to.

After playing your penutimate card you must say last card or you are not allowed to play it. You must pick up on your next go.

If anyone plays with other rules they are not playing Jack Change It and can fuck off.

That's what we said to Hot Baby Roy and he choose to play by the rules.

Wino Jo said he was glad to see me and that he hoped we could see more of each other now he was getting his life sorted out. He doesn't have a job yet but he's applying and he'd like to move back to Belfast soon.