I'm in the house watching the Nirvana night on BBC4, or to be honest I've only just turned it on. Right at the point where they're saying that Kurt Cobain used to be homeless. Something I never knew.
I've been homeless myself, but never for long, never more than a few weeks before I found somewhere to stay. If I had to spend a few nights under a bridge or in a park or even in a casualty waiting room (like Cobain did) I always managed to get myself a sofa in someone's house, or crash out in a cupboard at a party.
The first time I spent a night out was during some shitty rioting that happens in Northern Ireland from time to time. I was coming home from a party at a friends house (I was only a teenager at the time by the way) when I heard more noise than I should have heard at that time of night in that area. I turned a corner where I could see a lot better a crowd of angry bastards charging up the street in my direction. That was my cue to turn and run like a mutherfucker, not in the opposite direction, back the way I came (at a right angle to the rioters route). I managed to get to a bridge that I had to cross on my way to school. It was in a remote part of town, and not lit, so I tucked myself under it to sleep. It was stupid for a lot of reasons. It's a bad idea to put yourself in an obscure area far the fuck away from anyone, but since the town was getting fucked up it was the best of nothing but bad options.
It wasn't the last time I slept under a bridge, or that bridge, but I hope that part of my life is over with, unless the economy sends everything to shit again, and in that case there's always cat burgling and crack.
Showing posts with label Crack. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Crack. Show all posts
Friday, 4 November 2011
Friday, 30 September 2011
Shoplifting
Being a vain sort I often look to see what sites link back here. I've found a really good one recently with a great piece on shoplifting.
I've shoplifted loads in Belfast. It's a great passtime. I never really did it for fun or kicks or whatever. I mostly did it because I needed food, or clothes, or money for crack. You might argue that there's a difference in need and want but that's for another time.
One of the most interesting things about theft is how society looks at it and both how and who gets punished most severely for it. An example being the riots in England in August that started in Tottenham and spread throughout the country.
What was interesting about what was taken was that it was mostly status items (shit trainers and expensive electrical stuff). The riots were wrong, sure and you can say that the rioters deserved to be punished. Where this falls down is the fact that our politicians stole from us (as we found out during the expenses scandal), and as yet I think only one politician has gone to jail for this and even then he was released shortly after. In August a man was imprisoned for four years for posting some shit on facebook encouraging people to riot (there's no evidence that this post actually led to any rioting).It seems that for people of elevated status theft warrants a less severe punishment.
The issue again gets blown out of proportion when dickhead tabloid journalists start frothing at the mouth about it, and the fact that the majority of their readers are also dickheads means that although the public see an issue as serious, it's the public themselves which are hard to take seriously (unless they're busting into your house to give you a kicking - which happens from time to time - though not to me).
Even looking at the headlines on a tabloid newspaper makes me feel like I'm being shouted at by an incredibly thick person who thinks I agree with them.
That's why when I go back to a shop in Belfast that I've stolen from I feel slightly smug and walk around thinking about how I got away with it, and how here's me and who's going to catch me now. (You see I was never caught and I don't do it anymore - so anyone who doesn't like it can suck it).
Here's a link to the article. It refers you back here to share my glory days of shoplifting if you go down far enough, so you can go on a never ending loop between our websites if you fancy it.
I've shoplifted loads in Belfast. It's a great passtime. I never really did it for fun or kicks or whatever. I mostly did it because I needed food, or clothes, or money for crack. You might argue that there's a difference in need and want but that's for another time.
One of the most interesting things about theft is how society looks at it and both how and who gets punished most severely for it. An example being the riots in England in August that started in Tottenham and spread throughout the country.
What was interesting about what was taken was that it was mostly status items (shit trainers and expensive electrical stuff). The riots were wrong, sure and you can say that the rioters deserved to be punished. Where this falls down is the fact that our politicians stole from us (as we found out during the expenses scandal), and as yet I think only one politician has gone to jail for this and even then he was released shortly after. In August a man was imprisoned for four years for posting some shit on facebook encouraging people to riot (there's no evidence that this post actually led to any rioting).It seems that for people of elevated status theft warrants a less severe punishment.
The issue again gets blown out of proportion when dickhead tabloid journalists start frothing at the mouth about it, and the fact that the majority of their readers are also dickheads means that although the public see an issue as serious, it's the public themselves which are hard to take seriously (unless they're busting into your house to give you a kicking - which happens from time to time - though not to me).
Even looking at the headlines on a tabloid newspaper makes me feel like I'm being shouted at by an incredibly thick person who thinks I agree with them.
That's why when I go back to a shop in Belfast that I've stolen from I feel slightly smug and walk around thinking about how I got away with it, and how here's me and who's going to catch me now. (You see I was never caught and I don't do it anymore - so anyone who doesn't like it can suck it).
Here's a link to the article. It refers you back here to share my glory days of shoplifting if you go down far enough, so you can go on a never ending loop between our websites if you fancy it.
Thursday, 5 May 2011
When Ex-Girlfriend's Get Married
Fabian Wildman called round today. He was in a bad way. He was crying and his eyes were all bloodshot from smoking loads of crack. I couldn't make sense of him at first so I let him sleep it off on my couch.
When he came round I took him out into the garden with cups of tea to find out what was up. I thought it was going to be some crackhead weird stuff but he said that Betty Blue was home from Uni and he ran into her. I thought it was going to be a story of them rekindling their old romance (all thanks to the litres of spunk Fabian rubs into his hair) but he said that she told him she was getting married to some guy called Kiss Man.
I asked if he meant Kissy Boy, and he said that was his old name but now he calls himself Kiss Man, or if he doesn't like you, Mr Kiss. Fabian started crying and saying that how come it's always his exes and never him who gets married? I asked what other exes of his were married and he said some girl before he knew me. She wasn't just some girl, their break-up was what started him on crack, or maybe him started crack was what caused the break-up, he wasn't sure. He remembers it different ways depending on what suits, he said.
He said at the wedding he sat outside the church on a motorcycle smoking tobacco cigarettes and playing this song on a ghetto blaster
Except that it wasn't him who made the stupid mistake it was her for leaving him.
He sat crying on his motorcycle throughout the service and when the bride and groom came out at the end everyone threw confetti at them, except him, he flicked a fag butt at them and sped off into the sunset, with the song still playing.
He said he was going to do it again when Betty Blue marries Kiss Man because he's so unhappy about it and he won't stop there, he'll get a job as a waiter at the reception and trash fuck out of the place before anyone even gets there and he'll hide inside the crack and jump out of it at the fuckers and headbutt Kiss Man right in the fucking face just so Betty Blue has to look at an ugly bastard all her married life.
When he came round I took him out into the garden with cups of tea to find out what was up. I thought it was going to be some crackhead weird stuff but he said that Betty Blue was home from Uni and he ran into her. I thought it was going to be a story of them rekindling their old romance (all thanks to the litres of spunk Fabian rubs into his hair) but he said that she told him she was getting married to some guy called Kiss Man.
I asked if he meant Kissy Boy, and he said that was his old name but now he calls himself Kiss Man, or if he doesn't like you, Mr Kiss. Fabian started crying and saying that how come it's always his exes and never him who gets married? I asked what other exes of his were married and he said some girl before he knew me. She wasn't just some girl, their break-up was what started him on crack, or maybe him started crack was what caused the break-up, he wasn't sure. He remembers it different ways depending on what suits, he said.
He said at the wedding he sat outside the church on a motorcycle smoking tobacco cigarettes and playing this song on a ghetto blaster
Except that it wasn't him who made the stupid mistake it was her for leaving him.
He sat crying on his motorcycle throughout the service and when the bride and groom came out at the end everyone threw confetti at them, except him, he flicked a fag butt at them and sped off into the sunset, with the song still playing.
He said he was going to do it again when Betty Blue marries Kiss Man because he's so unhappy about it and he won't stop there, he'll get a job as a waiter at the reception and trash fuck out of the place before anyone even gets there and he'll hide inside the crack and jump out of it at the fuckers and headbutt Kiss Man right in the fucking face just so Betty Blue has to look at an ugly bastard all her married life.
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
Help Me I'm Turning Into a DIck
I'm doing that thing that guys who haven't had a shag in ages do. And I haven't had a shag in ages. I look at every girl as a potential ride. I'm not so bad that I'm giving them numbers out of ten but still.
I saw Nanny Boo Boo last night (no I'm not thinking of shagging her) and she was telling me that she's been reading my blog and she knows that I fancy Fabian Wildman's ex-girlfriend and that she hasn't said anything about it but she thinks it could cause a problem between us. I told her that there already was a big problem between us and that Fabian Wildman smelt of piss and had no chance of getting her back.
She said that Fabian was drinking his piss to try to calm his jitters when he was giving up crack and that so far it hadn't worked but him and her were hopeful.
A better use for a bottle of piss
I told her that Betty Blue was seeing some other guy in the office and that I was a bit jealous to start but they seem to be a bit loved up and that there was this other girl I might have a blossoming romance with. And she asked if it was the wee girl who was going to top herself and I said that wasn't a given and that maybe with my stud loving she'd give that idea up completely and get in my bed.
Nanny Boo Boo said she liked to hear me talking like that because she thought I should be out shagging lots of girls. She says that My Protege has himself a girlfriend now and I'm so jealous because he's obviously been using the street skillz I taught him and it seems to work for him but it hasn't for me.
The Punchbowl Girl hasn't been back at work for a few days and I'm starting to worry I've missed an opportunity for sex. We'll see.
I saw Nanny Boo Boo last night (no I'm not thinking of shagging her) and she was telling me that she's been reading my blog and she knows that I fancy Fabian Wildman's ex-girlfriend and that she hasn't said anything about it but she thinks it could cause a problem between us. I told her that there already was a big problem between us and that Fabian Wildman smelt of piss and had no chance of getting her back.
She said that Fabian was drinking his piss to try to calm his jitters when he was giving up crack and that so far it hadn't worked but him and her were hopeful.
I told her that Betty Blue was seeing some other guy in the office and that I was a bit jealous to start but they seem to be a bit loved up and that there was this other girl I might have a blossoming romance with. And she asked if it was the wee girl who was going to top herself and I said that wasn't a given and that maybe with my stud loving she'd give that idea up completely and get in my bed.
Nanny Boo Boo said she liked to hear me talking like that because she thought I should be out shagging lots of girls. She says that My Protege has himself a girlfriend now and I'm so jealous because he's obviously been using the street skillz I taught him and it seems to work for him but it hasn't for me.
The Punchbowl Girl hasn't been back at work for a few days and I'm starting to worry I've missed an opportunity for sex. We'll see.
Sunday, 16 May 2010
We're Ruined! Ruined!
I've been lying low all week. I've been pretty depressed. I never really got depressed as a teenager much. I don't know why but it seems that I've stockpiled most of it for my twenties. Silly bastard body.
I have my reasons though, a wee nip of giggly crack and the resulting boredom and self esteem kicking that comes from realising you're not that far away from where you thought you were, or to put it in a deep way. I thought I had covered much distance but really I'd been walking in a big giant circle.
You see I need to get out of this vicious cycle (that should have been a clue!) that I'm in. I lie around on the dole feeling cool while my life crumbles around me, then I get a job I hate, then get into a bit of mess and get fired. I need to find something I like only that's not going to happen because any job that's halfway cool is snapped up by someone who's been out after it since they left school and all I get are shite jobs fucking people up (and not a bicep flexed).
Now the Tories are in (that means you Nick Clegg) the civil service in Northern Ireland is going to go to shit and that means more competition on the job market. Fuck it fuck it fuck it!
Hot Baby Roy said I should try temping just to get a view of what jobs are out there but while he says that he sits on the sofa watching suspect kids TV shows and I think he hasn't given up crack at all. I got a bit desperate last week and when he was out I went through his stuff hoping he'd some crack stashed away but he hadn't, nasty mutherfucker. Anyway I'm glad there was none because now I'm keeping shot of that stuff.
I have my reasons though, a wee nip of giggly crack and the resulting boredom and self esteem kicking that comes from realising you're not that far away from where you thought you were, or to put it in a deep way. I thought I had covered much distance but really I'd been walking in a big giant circle.
You see I need to get out of this vicious cycle (that should have been a clue!) that I'm in. I lie around on the dole feeling cool while my life crumbles around me, then I get a job I hate, then get into a bit of mess and get fired. I need to find something I like only that's not going to happen because any job that's halfway cool is snapped up by someone who's been out after it since they left school and all I get are shite jobs fucking people up (and not a bicep flexed).
Now the Tories are in (that means you Nick Clegg) the civil service in Northern Ireland is going to go to shit and that means more competition on the job market. Fuck it fuck it fuck it!
Hot Baby Roy said I should try temping just to get a view of what jobs are out there but while he says that he sits on the sofa watching suspect kids TV shows and I think he hasn't given up crack at all. I got a bit desperate last week and when he was out I went through his stuff hoping he'd some crack stashed away but he hadn't, nasty mutherfucker. Anyway I'm glad there was none because now I'm keeping shot of that stuff.
Thursday, 29 April 2010
Rock-a-Bye Hot Baby Roy
After coming home from Nanny Boo Boos yesterday, Hot Baby Roy came in a little while later. His face was all red and puffy, so red his hair looked blonde. I asked him what was up.
"Me and The Raven Princess Spandex are over," he said. "I suppose it never really began."
"What happened?" I asked.
"I went round there today and tried to talk to her all about my feelings, my love and how it was pure, even though it was full of sex and she acted all surprised and said she thought I was just her BFF. I told her that I'd never made my love or lust for her a secret and that she should just come round here and get in my bed. She didn't like that."
"Okay, I can see..."
"Fucking Rock and Roll Stephen has been round there with his new teeth and going over that fucking Marylin Monroe speech and she's all 'Rock and Roll Stephen has ideas.' Fuck her."
He was getting really worked up and then he pulled out a crack pipe.
"I read on your blog that you've been at it again, let's me and you have some now. Fuck girls. Crackheads together!"
I should have said no but my mouth was sore after getting a clash in it from Nanny Boo Boo. Hot Baby Roy said that he'd been wanting to do it for a long time but he thought I might kick him out. He said he was always jealous of me and Fabian Wildman hanging out smoking crack and huffing bags of glue. I told him it wasn't like that so much, only at the start.
He said that Fabian was a wanker these days anyways. He came across him one night out on Botanic and he was going to go to him and say hi but Fabian was following this drunk down the street and when the drunk started boking he through his burger in a bin and Fabian hoaked through the bin for ages until he found the burger and half a bottle of wine that was probably pish.
"Me and The Raven Princess Spandex are over," he said. "I suppose it never really began."
"What happened?" I asked.
"I went round there today and tried to talk to her all about my feelings, my love and how it was pure, even though it was full of sex and she acted all surprised and said she thought I was just her BFF. I told her that I'd never made my love or lust for her a secret and that she should just come round here and get in my bed. She didn't like that."
"Okay, I can see..."
"Fucking Rock and Roll Stephen has been round there with his new teeth and going over that fucking Marylin Monroe speech and she's all 'Rock and Roll Stephen has ideas.' Fuck her."
He was getting really worked up and then he pulled out a crack pipe.
"I read on your blog that you've been at it again, let's me and you have some now. Fuck girls. Crackheads together!"
I should have said no but my mouth was sore after getting a clash in it from Nanny Boo Boo. Hot Baby Roy said that he'd been wanting to do it for a long time but he thought I might kick him out. He said he was always jealous of me and Fabian Wildman hanging out smoking crack and huffing bags of glue. I told him it wasn't like that so much, only at the start.
He said that Fabian was a wanker these days anyways. He came across him one night out on Botanic and he was going to go to him and say hi but Fabian was following this drunk down the street and when the drunk started boking he through his burger in a bin and Fabian hoaked through the bin for ages until he found the burger and half a bottle of wine that was probably pish.
Wednesday, 28 April 2010
Tough Talking
I took Battle Cat down to see Nanny Boo Boo the other day and she hit me a clash on the mouth and said that her nephew had read on my blog that I'd been smoking crack again.
Most people I know that read my blog either don't know it's me or don't mention it but Nanny Boo Boo was saying that this ZIm Van Bindle character sounds like a complete fuck up and that his brain probably crawled out his ear one night and ran the fuck away.
Nanny Boo Boo said that I had my wee pup to think about and that how could I let a fuck up like Hot Baby Roy get dates with one of the girls next door and I couldn't get any. It was a right dressing down (not literally).
She said that I should cut out the crack, get a job, get my hair cut and buy some shoes that don't have holes in them. She said I looked like a tramp but she knew I could do better.
I told her it hurt my feelings and she said that if she thought I couldn't fix these things she wouldn't say them to me. She'd just not answer the door when I came to visit. But she knew I was a good lad with a lot of potential I just shouldn't waste it sitting round at a crackhead's house listening to him talk shite about Amazon armies and rainbow igloos. It sounds like some shite a child would scribble on a page and force it's worried, embarrased parent to stick on the fridge.
Most people I know that read my blog either don't know it's me or don't mention it but Nanny Boo Boo was saying that this ZIm Van Bindle character sounds like a complete fuck up and that his brain probably crawled out his ear one night and ran the fuck away.
Nanny Boo Boo said that I had my wee pup to think about and that how could I let a fuck up like Hot Baby Roy get dates with one of the girls next door and I couldn't get any. It was a right dressing down (not literally).
She said that I should cut out the crack, get a job, get my hair cut and buy some shoes that don't have holes in them. She said I looked like a tramp but she knew I could do better.
I told her it hurt my feelings and she said that if she thought I couldn't fix these things she wouldn't say them to me. She'd just not answer the door when I came to visit. But she knew I was a good lad with a lot of potential I just shouldn't waste it sitting round at a crackhead's house listening to him talk shite about Amazon armies and rainbow igloos. It sounds like some shite a child would scribble on a page and force it's worried, embarrased parent to stick on the fridge.
Monday, 19 April 2010
Early Morning Thoughts
This is the earliest I've been up in a long time. I've been shifting around in bed trying to get comfortable and I've only been managing fifteen minutes here and there. I know I must have slept some because the light outside keeps changing too much for me to have been awake.
I don't know what the fuck I was at last night. It was strange to see Zim Van Bindle in that part of town. What was he doing there? Maybe he was there to set me up or something. I think I was followed home. All night I've been hearing someone walking up and down the street outside, they change their pace and the heaviness of their step but I know it's the same person.
I'm going to try and sleep again. If I hear them I might look out the window, I've kept the lights off so they don't know I'm awake.
I don't know what the fuck I was at last night. It was strange to see Zim Van Bindle in that part of town. What was he doing there? Maybe he was there to set me up or something. I think I was followed home. All night I've been hearing someone walking up and down the street outside, they change their pace and the heaviness of their step but I know it's the same person.
I'm going to try and sleep again. If I hear them I might look out the window, I've kept the lights off so they don't know I'm awake.
Sweat and Balls
Not doing crack anymore I rarely see anyone from the old crack days. I never really saw them anyway, they were mostly people I saw during bouts of no crack and then sharing for when I'd no crack again.
Only today I came across Zim Van Bindle on the bus. Zim Van (to his friends) shouted down the bus at me "HEY DUDE, I OWE YOU SOME SMOKING TIME", then he realised that everyone was staring at him and he started shouting:
Then he danced all the way up the bus with his big blood shot eyes and a biscuit tin he'd probably been busking with.
"HE DUDE, YOU GETTING OFF AT THE NEXT STOP FOR SOME YAY?"
"Yes," I said. I planned to get off the bus with him and kick his fuck in but once off I went back and had a smoke of crack with him for old times sake.
Only today I came across Zim Van Bindle on the bus. Zim Van (to his friends) shouted down the bus at me "HEY DUDE, I OWE YOU SOME SMOKING TIME", then he realised that everyone was staring at him and he started shouting:
Then he danced all the way up the bus with his big blood shot eyes and a biscuit tin he'd probably been busking with.
"HE DUDE, YOU GETTING OFF AT THE NEXT STOP FOR SOME YAY?"
"Yes," I said. I planned to get off the bus with him and kick his fuck in but once off I went back and had a smoke of crack with him for old times sake.
Thursday, 21 January 2010
Coming Off Crack
There was a thing on the Stephen Nolan show this morning about the drugs problem in Ballymena. I don't know much about what it's like down there but it has a reputation for it.
I think drugs are a big problem because there's fuck all to do. We have a culture that encourages people to get wasted. If you want to stay sober for a night and do something that doesn't bore the shite out of you, you'd better have an XBox.
For me giving up crack was really hard, and it's something that I'm not sure I could do again.
Part of what made it possible was having Fabian Wildman looking out for me. Whatever kind of a dick he's turned into and even though we don't get on anymore I'll always be on his side for what he did then.
I've tried talking to Hot Baby Roy about how he gave up but he's caggy about it. He doesn't like talking about it, I suspect he bought a load of teen orientated romcoms and wanked and boked for a week.
All I do know is the mayor of Ballymena came across like a clueless dick, too busy fighting his own corner and not fighting against the problem.
I'm not going to tell people not to do drugs, but I'm not going to encourage them either. It's not pleasant having to feed a daemon who looks like Sammy Wilson.
I think drugs are a big problem because there's fuck all to do. We have a culture that encourages people to get wasted. If you want to stay sober for a night and do something that doesn't bore the shite out of you, you'd better have an XBox.
For me giving up crack was really hard, and it's something that I'm not sure I could do again.
Part of what made it possible was having Fabian Wildman looking out for me. Whatever kind of a dick he's turned into and even though we don't get on anymore I'll always be on his side for what he did then.
I've tried talking to Hot Baby Roy about how he gave up but he's caggy about it. He doesn't like talking about it, I suspect he bought a load of teen orientated romcoms and wanked and boked for a week.
All I do know is the mayor of Ballymena came across like a clueless dick, too busy fighting his own corner and not fighting against the problem.
I'm not going to tell people not to do drugs, but I'm not going to encourage them either. It's not pleasant having to feed a daemon who looks like Sammy Wilson.
Thursday, 7 January 2010
When The Cat's Away It Seems People Wank
If wondered about what Wino Jo and Hot Baby Roy do when I'm not in the house. I know they both try to keep out of each other's way and spoil Battle Cat (because they keep thinking I'm about to boot one of them out) but that doesn't take up the whole day.
Both of them use my laptop and neither know anything about deleting browsing histories.
It's nice to keep an eye on them that way (because I am at heart a nosy bastard).
I don't know who looks up what but last night I made a wee list of google searches that had been done:
Fetishwear Belfast
How to know that a girl likes you as more than a friend
Is ginger hair really unattractive or is this a joke
how to train dogs to attack people
things to do in belfast -pub -bar
family ticket for belfast zoo
gymnastics youtube
Pole dancing classes belfast
squatters rights
duderay blog (oh dear!)
family addiction theory
signs of crack use
criminal justice self defense definition
playparks in south belfast
ATM belfast fivers
good blue blood bad black blood song
subtle sexy music mix tapes for girls
how to make people like you instantly
funny jokes for conversation (not rude)
new years resolutions you can keep
Find Me The Funny
"curtis matthews" "bill hicks"
Some of those are to be expected but some of them are a bit strange and portentious (my new word - book boy tells me a new big word every day at work).
Both of them use my laptop and neither know anything about deleting browsing histories.
It's nice to keep an eye on them that way (because I am at heart a nosy bastard).
I don't know who looks up what but last night I made a wee list of google searches that had been done:
Fetishwear Belfast
How to know that a girl likes you as more than a friend
Is ginger hair really unattractive or is this a joke
how to train dogs to attack people
things to do in belfast -pub -bar
family ticket for belfast zoo
gymnastics youtube
Pole dancing classes belfast
squatters rights
duderay blog (oh dear!)
family addiction theory
signs of crack use
criminal justice self defense definition
playparks in south belfast
ATM belfast fivers
good blue blood bad black blood song
subtle sexy music mix tapes for girls
how to make people like you instantly
funny jokes for conversation (not rude)
new years resolutions you can keep
Find Me The Funny
"curtis matthews" "bill hicks"
Some of those are to be expected but some of them are a bit strange and portentious (my new word - book boy tells me a new big word every day at work).
Monday, 28 December 2009
Little My is Boring as Fuck
In work today Little My has been boasting like fuck all about what her boyfriend bought her for Christmas and more importantly how much it all cost and how she checked the price of it in the shops and her man isn't cheap. They've only been going out a few weeks so he might be an arsehole. Kissy Boy says he's definitely an arsehole, not just for the money he spent but for going out with Little My in the first place.
He asked her what did she buy him and Little My said that it was the man's place to splash the cash.
It'll all end in tears, hopefully hers.
She told a story all about how her man told some guy in a pub to "fuck aff" and it was some craic and how her and all her mates have some craic slagging the pish out of each other.
It sounds like a San and Tray appreciation society.
Little My's ma Big My sits in the bar and tells dickheads to shut up and she hit someone a dig in the face and it was all too much to listen to. I looked round to see that no one else was listening either.
As Little My finished her story no one laughed in the right place so she told it again, louder with more cursing.
No one laughed this time either.
She said, "there's something wrong with you folk, no one here's any craic."
I nearly bought some crack when we got out wages but I didn't want to tell anyone. There were fuck all calls coming in so I'm just waiting for Little My to shut up or the shift to end.
He asked her what did she buy him and Little My said that it was the man's place to splash the cash.
It'll all end in tears, hopefully hers.
She told a story all about how her man told some guy in a pub to "fuck aff" and it was some craic and how her and all her mates have some craic slagging the pish out of each other.
It sounds like a San and Tray appreciation society.
Little My's ma Big My sits in the bar and tells dickheads to shut up and she hit someone a dig in the face and it was all too much to listen to. I looked round to see that no one else was listening either.
As Little My finished her story no one laughed in the right place so she told it again, louder with more cursing.
No one laughed this time either.
She said, "there's something wrong with you folk, no one here's any craic."
I nearly bought some crack when we got out wages but I didn't want to tell anyone. There were fuck all calls coming in so I'm just waiting for Little My to shut up or the shift to end.
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Sometimes things can be nice
Last night I went round Nanny Boo Boo's. She said that she knows what happens in my blog and she's none too impressed. She said that I shouldn't be getting pished and talking down about my mates even if I think they've made a mess. She said Hot Baby Roy is a mess but he means well and she thinks that he could be a good guy to get in with those aerobics girls.
I told her that they wear leotards and she said that I wasn't at her house to score points. She said she rooted for me and anyone who was on my side. We talked about how we'd only known each other since this year and I told her that if Battle Cat could have wondered into anyone elses garden I'm glad he didn't because I think Nanny Boo Boo is great. She gave me a pair of socks and I half smiled and then she gave me a bottle of gin and said she's glad I don't smoke crack, and I felt a bit self conscious because I never really knew how much some people I know keep an eye on me. It's funny but Nanny Boo Boo makes me feel like I've more back up than I think sometimes.
Battle Cat was with me and the two of them had a right old time. I had bought her a gift. I'm shite shopping for presents so I won't say what but I think it was okay. I hope you're all doing well. Merry Christmas and thanks for reading this.
I told her that they wear leotards and she said that I wasn't at her house to score points. She said she rooted for me and anyone who was on my side. We talked about how we'd only known each other since this year and I told her that if Battle Cat could have wondered into anyone elses garden I'm glad he didn't because I think Nanny Boo Boo is great. She gave me a pair of socks and I half smiled and then she gave me a bottle of gin and said she's glad I don't smoke crack, and I felt a bit self conscious because I never really knew how much some people I know keep an eye on me. It's funny but Nanny Boo Boo makes me feel like I've more back up than I think sometimes.
Battle Cat was with me and the two of them had a right old time. I had bought her a gift. I'm shite shopping for presents so I won't say what but I think it was okay. I hope you're all doing well. Merry Christmas and thanks for reading this.
Wednesday, 23 December 2009
That's Bad Crack
So I got my pay and headed straight up to get some crack but my old crack dealer isn't there any more, probably busted. I deleted all my numbers when I gave it up. Fuck that. Hot Baby Roy might have some numbers on his phone so I fucked off to the house to see if I could get hold of his phone.
I bought a bottle of gin on the way and was pure pished by the time I reached the house. The Raven Princess Spandex came to the door and I started babbling away about how hot she was and I was sorry if Hot Baby Roy had tried to steal one of her leotards. And just as I started to catch on she'd been looking puzzled for ages I shut up.
"Hot Baby Roy was great, some guys showed up and started trashing the place and he stopped them. I just wanted to give him this," she put a present in my hand and I didn't know what to say, so I boked all over myself.
"I hope none of that hit you," I said to her as I slid down the wall.
The Raven Princess Spandex is so hot, and now I've no chance. I've been so embarrased I've been up in my room sobbing and swaying gently, I still hope I can fix this.
Who needs to lick the bowl?
I bought a bottle of gin on the way and was pure pished by the time I reached the house. The Raven Princess Spandex came to the door and I started babbling away about how hot she was and I was sorry if Hot Baby Roy had tried to steal one of her leotards. And just as I started to catch on she'd been looking puzzled for ages I shut up.
"Hot Baby Roy was great, some guys showed up and started trashing the place and he stopped them. I just wanted to give him this," she put a present in my hand and I didn't know what to say, so I boked all over myself.
"I hope none of that hit you," I said to her as I slid down the wall.
The Raven Princess Spandex is so hot, and now I've no chance. I've been so embarrased I've been up in my room sobbing and swaying gently, I still hope I can fix this.
Who needs to lick the bowl?
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
Spare Keys and Credit Card Details
I had to go and get a key cut on my lunch break today because Hot Baby Roy said he never had one last time he stayed. He said that Fabian Wildman must have kept his after he moved out. I didn't like the idea of him running about with a key because if he goes back onto crack he'll come round on the rob.
My boss was nice to me today, not especially just really cheery, which if my memory serves me (and with all the crack I've smoked sometimes it doesn't) means I'm about to get the boot. I made note of two wanky customers credit card details today, no sense ripping off nice people.
On the way home I thought up a song about needing money and asking people to spare change. I wrote it down but I saw a tramp in the rain with not much in his cup so I gave it to him. Should have kept it, might need it in a few weeks.
My boss was nice to me today, not especially just really cheery, which if my memory serves me (and with all the crack I've smoked sometimes it doesn't) means I'm about to get the boot. I made note of two wanky customers credit card details today, no sense ripping off nice people.
On the way home I thought up a song about needing money and asking people to spare change. I wrote it down but I saw a tramp in the rain with not much in his cup so I gave it to him. Should have kept it, might need it in a few weeks.
Thursday, 5 November 2009
Getting To Know My Cellmates
Now Hoors Bastard is gone I've been able to start getting to know the rest of the group.
It isn't pretty.
While they're are no Hoors Bastards they mostly seem to have problems of their own.
Only today Little My was sitting talking about how at night she also works in an off-licence. She said this like it was something to be proud of, working all the time. I was close to telling her I spent the past year sitting on my hole smoking crack but I didn't want to be the new Hoors Bastard so I just nodded and said: "that's nice."
That's starting to be my new catchphrase, there's another guy who works there and he says he's the baddest rapper in the game, he started spitting out all this shit about shooting people and rolling up the Ardone with the crips. He keeps trying to talk in rhyme. Little My thinks he's a genius. He thinks she looks like a gnome. It'll all end in tears, hopefully both of theirs.
It isn't pretty.
While they're are no Hoors Bastards they mostly seem to have problems of their own.
Only today Little My was sitting talking about how at night she also works in an off-licence. She said this like it was something to be proud of, working all the time. I was close to telling her I spent the past year sitting on my hole smoking crack but I didn't want to be the new Hoors Bastard so I just nodded and said: "that's nice."
That's starting to be my new catchphrase, there's another guy who works there and he says he's the baddest rapper in the game, he started spitting out all this shit about shooting people and rolling up the Ardone with the crips. He keeps trying to talk in rhyme. Little My thinks he's a genius. He thinks she looks like a gnome. It'll all end in tears, hopefully both of theirs.
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Call Centres Make Me Want To Smoke Crack
November is a miserable month, I'm all trying to keep things street and at work we're being told how to fleece people. See in all the contracts there's these wee clauses (not my work one, the ones that customers sign up to) and they say that customers aren't allowed money back if they don't want our products anymore but in court they could get it back (that was a struggle). This is bullshit, we're supposed to sit and say "read the small print (and weep)" and why should we, it's not as if we get any richer by ripping them off, I'm on a fixed hourly rate that will increase every year slightly below inflation.
I didn't know half this shit until some dude in the training started spouting it out. He wasn't there by the end of the day. I wish it had of been the fat hoors bastard because he's just caught on that one of the other guys is gay and he's started making all these really bad gay jokes and when no one laughs he says "What are yous like, I'm just being some craic!" Dunno about craic, I'd prefer a bit of crack after the money comes in.
Then when someone else says something properly funny he just sits with a big grumpy face and tries to outdo them with a big sweary gay joke, whoors bastard that he is.
I didn't know half this shit until some dude in the training started spouting it out. He wasn't there by the end of the day. I wish it had of been the fat hoors bastard because he's just caught on that one of the other guys is gay and he's started making all these really bad gay jokes and when no one laughs he says "What are yous like, I'm just being some craic!" Dunno about craic, I'd prefer a bit of crack after the money comes in.
Then when someone else says something properly funny he just sits with a big grumpy face and tries to outdo them with a big sweary gay joke, whoors bastard that he is.
Sunday, 25 October 2009
My Year
So I started this blog just after my birthday last year and what a year it's been. I've been sitting back taking stock of everything that's happened.
I started it because I was always going round in circles and getting into the same old crap.
I can say though that in this past year I've given up crack, started looking after a pet, joined and been kicked out of a sweaty heavy metal vomit rock and roll band and met a tonne of new people, some of which are good friends. Not just that but if you look down my side bar you'll see a load of other cool people you should check out.
That said here's a few wee stats about my year.
I've had 3 housemates - Fabian Wildman, Battle Cat and Hot Baby Roy (briefly)
I was going to count the number of fights I was in but I couldn't be arsed, you just need to know I won them all.
I've had sex a few times (not enough) and still have no girlfriend.
I started wearing leotards
I met someone who thinks that unicorns are an extinct species
I've been asked to watch Wild Child 143 times and said no 142.
I vomited in a woman's mouth (and she vomited in mine)
I saved a few people from unjustly getting their balls kicked.
I forged a member of Razorlight's autograph (to stop someone going to the police)
I cried a bit but I laughed a lot
I sniffed a few felt tips
I shoplifted loads
and I may or may not have licked the bowl (some people may wonder though).
I've not had a job but as of yesterday I have now found one and I start my pish call centre training on Monday. Wish me luck!
I started it because I was always going round in circles and getting into the same old crap.
I can say though that in this past year I've given up crack, started looking after a pet, joined and been kicked out of a sweaty heavy metal vomit rock and roll band and met a tonne of new people, some of which are good friends. Not just that but if you look down my side bar you'll see a load of other cool people you should check out.
That said here's a few wee stats about my year.
I've had 3 housemates - Fabian Wildman, Battle Cat and Hot Baby Roy (briefly)
I was going to count the number of fights I was in but I couldn't be arsed, you just need to know I won them all.
I've had sex a few times (not enough) and still have no girlfriend.
I started wearing leotards
I met someone who thinks that unicorns are an extinct species
I've been asked to watch Wild Child 143 times and said no 142.
I vomited in a woman's mouth (and she vomited in mine)
I saved a few people from unjustly getting their balls kicked.
I forged a member of Razorlight's autograph (to stop someone going to the police)
I cried a bit but I laughed a lot
I sniffed a few felt tips
I shoplifted loads
and I may or may not have licked the bowl (some people may wonder though).
I've not had a job but as of yesterday I have now found one and I start my pish call centre training on Monday. Wish me luck!
Saturday, 19 September 2009
Crap Day in Belfast
Nanny Boo Boo´s house is much nicer than mine and I´m half tempted to stay there but I´ve drunk all the wine and there´s not much else in the fridge so I had to go back to mine today.
My house is a bit skanky and to tell you the truth if I was paying the money rather than the housing executive I´d move out.
I played some groovy spoons while I waited on the radiator to heat up. I think it´s pish that not only does Fabian Wildman not come round but Hot Baby Roy stays away too. I went down Lisburn Road looking for Good King Thumpo but he was nowhere to be seen. Apparently he hasn´t been seen for ages. I hope he´s in jail or lying at home with broken legs.
Then I bought a bottle of whiskey and walked up and down the Lisburn Road, Botanic Avenue, Ormeau Road and on out into the countryside hoping to see a friendly face but all I saw were phantoms...
I almost felt like buying some crack.
My house is a bit skanky and to tell you the truth if I was paying the money rather than the housing executive I´d move out.
I played some groovy spoons while I waited on the radiator to heat up. I think it´s pish that not only does Fabian Wildman not come round but Hot Baby Roy stays away too. I went down Lisburn Road looking for Good King Thumpo but he was nowhere to be seen. Apparently he hasn´t been seen for ages. I hope he´s in jail or lying at home with broken legs.
Then I bought a bottle of whiskey and walked up and down the Lisburn Road, Botanic Avenue, Ormeau Road and on out into the countryside hoping to see a friendly face but all I saw were phantoms...
I almost felt like buying some crack.
Sunday, 9 August 2009
Lick the Bowl
I went round to my metaller brothers last night thinking we were in for a cool time hanging out. When I got there my fruitarian brother and my hot shot banker one were there too.
We all went into the living room, and there was Wino Jo, sitting alive and well, looking washed and shaved.
"Hello Tuesday Kid," he said giving me a firm handshake.
"Wino Jo! You're not dead! I thought Foosted Wotsit Head had murdered you!"
I saw the metaller brother and the hot shot banker give each other a funny look.
"So this is a big party to celebrate you coming back, where were you?"
"I was getting dried out," he says, pointing up behind him. I don't know where he was pointing because there's not that much between here and the sea.
"Tuesday Kid," my metaller brother said. "We're hear today to talk to you about some of your problems."
It was then I clocked too late, that I'd just walked in to my own intervention.
"My problems? What problems?" I don't think they were concerned about my lack of sexy lover girls.
"Doing heroin, living with a heroin addict..."
"I've never done heroin."
"You smoke crack," he shouted. "You need to get dried out."
"Crack is freebased cocaine! And I haven't smoked crack since February. What the fuck is this?"
I looked at the Hot Shot Banker, "You read my blog, you should know that I gave up ages ago, why didn't you tell them?"
"I stopped reading it because you were slagging me off," he said looking sulky.
"What about that phonecall the other night?" My metaller brother asked triumphantly. "You were clearly out of it on something."
"I was drunk, you drink too you fucking dickhead. So what if I get pissed? or sniff the odd felt tip? The reality is none of you really give a fuck, and you're all doing this to act like big men (that's a quote I stole from Jeremy Kyle). How long have you all known that Wino Jo was back? and you knew I was worried, and you never told me, and none of you were there when I did give up crack."
None of them could really say anything to this.
"Fuck this," I said. "I'm going home to lick the bowl."
I stormed out of the house. The fruitarian followed me out. He said I should come back because we hadn't hung out in ages. I told him to get fucked, after all the bunches of bananas I bought him when he was rolling about naked in his garden looking like Jungle Barry.
I wandered down to the train station telling myself that I needed to get the fuck out of Sammy Wilson country, and that when I did get home I was seriously going to lick the bowl.
We all went into the living room, and there was Wino Jo, sitting alive and well, looking washed and shaved.
"Hello Tuesday Kid," he said giving me a firm handshake.
"Wino Jo! You're not dead! I thought Foosted Wotsit Head had murdered you!"
I saw the metaller brother and the hot shot banker give each other a funny look.
"So this is a big party to celebrate you coming back, where were you?"
"I was getting dried out," he says, pointing up behind him. I don't know where he was pointing because there's not that much between here and the sea.
"Tuesday Kid," my metaller brother said. "We're hear today to talk to you about some of your problems."
It was then I clocked too late, that I'd just walked in to my own intervention.
"My problems? What problems?" I don't think they were concerned about my lack of sexy lover girls.
"Doing heroin, living with a heroin addict..."
"I've never done heroin."
"You smoke crack," he shouted. "You need to get dried out."
"Crack is freebased cocaine! And I haven't smoked crack since February. What the fuck is this?"
I looked at the Hot Shot Banker, "You read my blog, you should know that I gave up ages ago, why didn't you tell them?"
"I stopped reading it because you were slagging me off," he said looking sulky.
"What about that phonecall the other night?" My metaller brother asked triumphantly. "You were clearly out of it on something."
"I was drunk, you drink too you fucking dickhead. So what if I get pissed? or sniff the odd felt tip? The reality is none of you really give a fuck, and you're all doing this to act like big men (that's a quote I stole from Jeremy Kyle). How long have you all known that Wino Jo was back? and you knew I was worried, and you never told me, and none of you were there when I did give up crack."
None of them could really say anything to this.
"Fuck this," I said. "I'm going home to lick the bowl."
I stormed out of the house. The fruitarian followed me out. He said I should come back because we hadn't hung out in ages. I told him to get fucked, after all the bunches of bananas I bought him when he was rolling about naked in his garden looking like Jungle Barry.
I wandered down to the train station telling myself that I needed to get the fuck out of Sammy Wilson country, and that when I did get home I was seriously going to lick the bowl.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)