Rory Rides Me Raw, Raw, Raw (over and over again)

Hot Baby Roy was sat slumped in front of the TV this morning watching Lazy Town.

Battle Cat was snarling at the TV and Hot Baby Roy was saying. "Yes pup, I know, it's terrible."

I asked him what was up and he said that him and Battle Cat were disgusted because they think that Sportacus and Rotten Robbie are grooming the wee girl in the pink.

I told him that wasn't true. Sportacus was trying to get people to be sporty and the other guy was trying to get people to lay around on their asses.

"The other guy?" Hot Baby Roy said. "His name, is Rotten Robbie. Why can't you just say his name Tuesday Kid?"

I asked him why couldn't he just go and get a girlfriend instead of watching suspect TV shows with my dog.

He said that he was about to make moves on The Raven Princess Spandex. He'd been going to hot leotard muscle parties and he was getting so close. He told her the other day about getting bullied at school for being ginger and she held his hand while he faked tears. He's going to stick the lips on her next time.

It's going to end in tears. I was pissed off that he hadn't invited me to these parties, or even mentioned he was going but I just fucked off to Zim Van Bindle's. I don't know why I told him about it, probably because he'll just forget it in a few hours like everything else that happens to him.

He asked me if The Leotard Girls could fight. I told him I didn't know but they were big millies so probably.

He just sat there huffing away at a bag of glue and listening to this on repeat for a few hours.



"Is that skipping?" he asked eventually.

Things I Hear While Lying on the Floor

Lying on the floor at Zim Van Bindle's house earlier in the week I listened to him tell me his plan for becoming bad ass. Zim Van Bindle is scared. He says there's war coming and only the purest will be able to stay strong. He says that he was reading about the world's strongest girl online and he's been watching Kung-Fu movies and he has a plan to get together an army of his own fighting ladies, partly for the surprise to his enemies but also partly so he can be just like Mister Han Man Bullshit here:



Then he lit up his crack pipe and he realised it was time to fuck off home.

When The Cat's Away It Seems People Wank

If wondered about what Wino Jo and Hot Baby Roy do when I'm not in the house. I know they both try to keep out of each other's way and spoil Battle Cat (because they keep thinking I'm about to boot one of them out) but that doesn't take up the whole day.

Both of them use my laptop and neither know anything about deleting browsing histories.

It's nice to keep an eye on them that way (because I am at heart a nosy bastard).

I don't know who looks up what but last night I made a wee list of google searches that had been done:

Fetishwear Belfast
How to know that a girl likes you as more than a friend
Is ginger hair really unattractive or is this a joke
how to train dogs to attack people
things to do in belfast -pub -bar
family ticket for belfast zoo
gymnastics youtube
Pole dancing classes belfast
squatters rights
duderay blog (oh dear!)
family addiction theory
signs of crack use
criminal justice self defense definition
playparks in south belfast
ATM belfast fivers
good blue blood bad black blood song
subtle sexy music mix tapes for girls
how to make people like you instantly
funny jokes for conversation (not rude)
new years resolutions you can keep
Find Me The Funny
"curtis matthews" "bill hicks"

Some of those are to be expected but some of them are a bit strange and portentious (my new word - book boy tells me a new big word every day at work).

Happy New Year

I was in work late on New Year's Eve so when I finally finished I was in no mood to go out partying. I went home to find that Hot Baby Roy was away out (probably with the leotard girls) and Wino Jo was lying sleeping on the couch.

I took battle cat out for a wee walk just so I wasn't sitting in the house but it was so bollocks freezing we were back in after about five minutes.

I texted a few people to wish them a happy new year and drunk half a bottle of whiskey while surfing youtube.

This sounds boring as fuck but in a way it wasn't. My house was nice and warm, I'd some new clothes I'd stolen and some I'd bought with my wages and I lacked that shitty skint feeling that I had when I was on the dole and could never put my finger on what it was.

I'm going to try to build on that this year.