I was at Nanny Boo Boo's a few weeks ago just catching up . She was in a bad mood, because she'd bought a bottle of her favourite vodka from Sainsburys and they'd forgotten to remove the security tag. So off she came home thirsty and unable to drink the lovely drink.
I told her she should have called me and I'd have come round right away, and prepared ! told her that I'd nicked bottles of stuff with the bottlelox still on it in my wilder days and taking it off was as easy as taking a piss down an alley when you get caught short. She said that it wasn't quite for easy for women as it was for men. I told her that removing a bottlelox was.
Basically getting the lock off is a piece of piss as long as you have a drill, which Nanny Boo Boo didn't. After hoaking through her old junk cupboard the only thing I could find was a wee hacksaw which I used to saw around the bit you drill. It took a little longer than the sleek job the guy makes of it in the vid but afterwards we settled down to vodka ice and nothing else because Nanny Boo Boo had drank all her mixer in bad temper and neither of us could be arsed walking to the shop for more.
Showing posts with label Nanny Boo Boo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nanny Boo Boo. Show all posts
Monday, 1 August 2011
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
Nanny Boo Boo Is
Today I went down to Nanny Boo Boo's to ask her to Fabian Wildman's leaving do. When I got there she was icing a cake. She asked me to go into the cupboard and get a nice bottle of the two for one pinotage out.
"Are we bringing this up to Fabian Wildman?" I asked.
"No," she said. "Me and you are going to drink it and eat this cake."
I opened the wine and asked her why'd she bake a cake for me.
She said that Fabian Wildman's been visiting her a lot. She said he's worried about me. He thinks I'm depressed. He says I sit about the house watching videos most of the time. Plus she said she likes to bake cakes and eat them but she's putting on weight because she doesn't usually have anyone to eat them with, so today I was having half.
That's weird Fabian Wildman telling Nanny Boo Boo this, he's usually so good at telling me things upfront.
I told her I did sit around watching videos but that I wasn't depressed. I told her that I'd like a sweetheart but that I didn't know any hot girls. That I'd got myself a protege, and I was going to exploit him while teaching about how the world is full of bastards (namely by being a bastard to him).
She asked me why I couldn't be nice and help him avoid the pitfalls of growing up.
I told her that if I did this then he'd think every time he fucked up that someone would come along and help him out, whereas people normally see you making a balls up as an opportunity to sink the boot in you.
She says that's not strictly true. She said I had her and Fabian Wildman and Battle Cat to help me out and that they all get help from me, so everyone looks after each other and it's nice.
I told her that this wasn't always the case, and I spent a few lonely years just pulling myself out of scrapes or laying low until the dust settled, but that I was glad other people had my back.
She said that I should help this kid out and that he maybe needs a break.
I told her that it was the wee guy who was sticking bangers up cats arses.
"Oh?" she said. "In that case, kick him so hard in the arse you break his tailbone."
Then we drank both bottles of wine and ate the rest of the cake and Nanny Boo Boo kept telling me about ideas she had for how I could maim and damage my protege, as they came to her. Some of them were right and fucked up and I've no doubt if we'd never met and she still had Battle Cat he'd have eaten someone by now.
"Are we bringing this up to Fabian Wildman?" I asked.
"No," she said. "Me and you are going to drink it and eat this cake."
I opened the wine and asked her why'd she bake a cake for me.
She said that Fabian Wildman's been visiting her a lot. She said he's worried about me. He thinks I'm depressed. He says I sit about the house watching videos most of the time. Plus she said she likes to bake cakes and eat them but she's putting on weight because she doesn't usually have anyone to eat them with, so today I was having half.
That's weird Fabian Wildman telling Nanny Boo Boo this, he's usually so good at telling me things upfront.
I told her I did sit around watching videos but that I wasn't depressed. I told her that I'd like a sweetheart but that I didn't know any hot girls. That I'd got myself a protege, and I was going to exploit him while teaching about how the world is full of bastards (namely by being a bastard to him).
She asked me why I couldn't be nice and help him avoid the pitfalls of growing up.
I told her that if I did this then he'd think every time he fucked up that someone would come along and help him out, whereas people normally see you making a balls up as an opportunity to sink the boot in you.
She says that's not strictly true. She said I had her and Fabian Wildman and Battle Cat to help me out and that they all get help from me, so everyone looks after each other and it's nice.
I told her that this wasn't always the case, and I spent a few lonely years just pulling myself out of scrapes or laying low until the dust settled, but that I was glad other people had my back.
She said that I should help this kid out and that he maybe needs a break.
I told her that it was the wee guy who was sticking bangers up cats arses.
"Oh?" she said. "In that case, kick him so hard in the arse you break his tailbone."
Then we drank both bottles of wine and ate the rest of the cake and Nanny Boo Boo kept telling me about ideas she had for how I could maim and damage my protege, as they came to her. Some of them were right and fucked up and I've no doubt if we'd never met and she still had Battle Cat he'd have eaten someone by now.
Sunday, 13 February 2011
Nominated
I'm just coming on here briefly to boast about being nominated for two irish blog awards. Thank you to whoever nominated me. And since I'll probably not win I'll give you the speech I'll been busting to deliver since I was first nominated back in 2009:
"I keep it real. Life on the streets is tough. Fuck tha police, fuck tha government, politicians man fuck em too. Fuck advertising companies and people who photoshop models on magazine covers. Blah blah blah and thank you to Hermione Granger for keeping me company on those long lonely nights."
I'd probably not say the half of this. I'd just mutter something about how nice it is to win and get very drunk back in my seat.
Congrats to everyone else nominated.
If you are wondering what's been happening with me I'll give you a little bit of info:
Hot Baby Roy and Hot Firey Love Lady have moved in together (in Leeds).
I'm sharing my bachelor pad with two dogs (Battle Cat, of course, and Ma-Mutt [Good King Thumpo's dog. No one has seen Good King Thumpo since he went to make his snuff movie]).
Fabian Wildman is still doing the rounds and we see each other from time to time.
Nanny Boo Boo is alive and well.
My protege has started catering college and sometimes brings me cakes to stuff my face with.
And as for me and the Punchbowl Girl, I'll keep you guessing.
"I keep it real. Life on the streets is tough. Fuck tha police, fuck tha government, politicians man fuck em too. Fuck advertising companies and people who photoshop models on magazine covers. Blah blah blah and thank you to Hermione Granger for keeping me company on those long lonely nights."
I'd probably not say the half of this. I'd just mutter something about how nice it is to win and get very drunk back in my seat.
Congrats to everyone else nominated.
If you are wondering what's been happening with me I'll give you a little bit of info:
Hot Baby Roy and Hot Firey Love Lady have moved in together (in Leeds).
I'm sharing my bachelor pad with two dogs (Battle Cat, of course, and Ma-Mutt [Good King Thumpo's dog. No one has seen Good King Thumpo since he went to make his snuff movie]).
Fabian Wildman is still doing the rounds and we see each other from time to time.
Nanny Boo Boo is alive and well.
My protege has started catering college and sometimes brings me cakes to stuff my face with.
And as for me and the Punchbowl Girl, I'll keep you guessing.
Thursday, 23 September 2010
Hypertension, dog walking and spandex (not at the same time)
I went down to see Nanny Boo Boo tonight because Hot Baby Roy was out with Hot Firey Love Lady (shit I forgot to say that they got back together after he explained that he felt humiliated with the first beating and that he was only learning Karate to defend himself but he's been used to reading about the violence so much that both Mother of Bowling Ball and Clarence being there made him go red and he was going to open a can of whoop-ass but left the can opener at home. It worked - yay for him).
Nanny Boo Boo told me that it was going to come out sooner or later. I said I wanted it to come out later but that wee bastard let things out of the bag. Nanny Boo Boo said that I just had to let her make her own mind up about it. The wee fellah may be a dick but he might have done me a favour if it gets me some spandex love.
She said that she had been to the doctors after taking a funny turn when her and Fabian Wildman were in the garden (she said it wasn't as dramatic as she makes it sound but Fabian insisted she was going to the doctor about it). She's been told that she needs to cut back on the alcohol and cakes (even though Nanny Boo Boo is not in any way fat) and take some regular exercise.
I asked her if she'd like to take Battle Cat for a walk with me sometime. She said that she'd like that because she doesn't get to have as much time with him as she used to. She said she could even take him for walks herself because she knows that I don't have as much time as I used to now I'm at work, and I'll have even less when that girl accepts my kinky ways.
Nanny Boo Boo told me that it was going to come out sooner or later. I said I wanted it to come out later but that wee bastard let things out of the bag. Nanny Boo Boo said that I just had to let her make her own mind up about it. The wee fellah may be a dick but he might have done me a favour if it gets me some spandex love.
She said that she had been to the doctors after taking a funny turn when her and Fabian Wildman were in the garden (she said it wasn't as dramatic as she makes it sound but Fabian insisted she was going to the doctor about it). She's been told that she needs to cut back on the alcohol and cakes (even though Nanny Boo Boo is not in any way fat) and take some regular exercise.
I asked her if she'd like to take Battle Cat for a walk with me sometime. She said that she'd like that because she doesn't get to have as much time with him as she used to. She said she could even take him for walks herself because she knows that I don't have as much time as I used to now I'm at work, and I'll have even less when that girl accepts my kinky ways.
Saturday, 4 September 2010
drinking your own urine to survive
I went down to Nanny Boo Boo's last night and brought Battle Cat and bottles of wine. We got very trashed and I told her all about my romance with The Punchbowl Girl and she said that she sounds a bit loopy but she likes that I'm happy with her and I'll have to bring her for a visit.
She said she could throw a party and I could invite Fabian Wildman's ex-girlfriend too but tell her to leave her new boyfriend at home. I didn't want to tell her that I barely speak
I asked her why I hadn't seen Fabian Wildman since I saved his ass. She said he was embarrassed about the whole thing and even worse he had to go to casualty because he was feeling sick and had was looking all yellow. The did a blood test and said that he had too many toxins in him that you get from your pee. He made up some excuse about drinking a bottle of wine someone had left out on the street and that he thought it had tasted of piss. I'd have just told them the truth or half of it.
The whole thing made him catch himself on something serious and now he's out staying in a shack in the countryside to get clean. Hopefully he'll manage it this time.
She said she could throw a party and I could invite Fabian Wildman's ex-girlfriend too but tell her to leave her new boyfriend at home. I didn't want to tell her that I barely speak
I asked her why I hadn't seen Fabian Wildman since I saved his ass. She said he was embarrassed about the whole thing and even worse he had to go to casualty because he was feeling sick and had was looking all yellow. The did a blood test and said that he had too many toxins in him that you get from your pee. He made up some excuse about drinking a bottle of wine someone had left out on the street and that he thought it had tasted of piss. I'd have just told them the truth or half of it.
The whole thing made him catch himself on something serious and now he's out staying in a shack in the countryside to get clean. Hopefully he'll manage it this time.
Friday, 3 September 2010
How to Learn Karate by Yourself
The Punchbowl Girl has already found herself some temp work waitressing. It's shit money, shit hours and not enough of them but she doesn't plan on doing it long.
I was in work giving the bosses the death stares. They didn't care. It seems a few people were laid off. I'm surprised I wasn't one of them. It wasn't the same on break today. I ate a packet of Rolo's and drank rank tea with powdered milk. Not the same at all.
The Punchbowl Girl is working tonight so I'm off down Nanny Boo Boo's with a bottle of vodka because I haven't seen her in long enough.
Hot Baby Roy was in his bedroom shouting KEY-EYE! all morning. I wondered what the fuck was up so I went for a nosy. He's learning karate from a book and there's lots of suspect pictures of some dude and his mate waving their arms around in Mataland tracksuits.
I asked him what did key-eye mean and he said it was something to scream at his enemies to scare the willies out of them.
I told him the only thing the book was good for was learning sexy ways of feeling up Hot Firey Love Lady. He looked a bit downhearted when I said this and turned his back to me.
He knows if he gives me the address I'll go round and kick Mother of Bowling Ball through a wall.
I was in work giving the bosses the death stares. They didn't care. It seems a few people were laid off. I'm surprised I wasn't one of them. It wasn't the same on break today. I ate a packet of Rolo's and drank rank tea with powdered milk. Not the same at all.
The Punchbowl Girl is working tonight so I'm off down Nanny Boo Boo's with a bottle of vodka because I haven't seen her in long enough.
Hot Baby Roy was in his bedroom shouting KEY-EYE! all morning. I wondered what the fuck was up so I went for a nosy. He's learning karate from a book and there's lots of suspect pictures of some dude and his mate waving their arms around in Mataland tracksuits.
I asked him what did key-eye mean and he said it was something to scream at his enemies to scare the willies out of them.
I told him the only thing the book was good for was learning sexy ways of feeling up Hot Firey Love Lady. He looked a bit downhearted when I said this and turned his back to me.
He knows if he gives me the address I'll go round and kick Mother of Bowling Ball through a wall.
Monday, 16 August 2010
Wandering around the Lagan Meadows catching up on my thoughts
I spend my weekends recharging. It's not unusual to see me take off early on a Saturday morning with Battle Cat and a bottle of pink champaigne. I walk for hours, even in the heat. I'm burnt after the weekend, pure balls.
I thought about calling up The Punchbowl Girl but I just needed to recharge. I think I'm what they call an introvert. A few hours blethering away to Battle Cat makes me feel all gangsta again. I sometimes think he gets what I'm saying. Or at least he knows what some of the words mean in doggy speak.
"Woof," said Battle Cat.
I told him all about the Punchbowl Girl and about Fabian Wildman. Battle Cat let a woof out of him. I think he missed Fabian after he moved out and he was glad to see him the other morning.
Fabian left while I was at work and didn't steal anything (I think he stole a big block of cheese but I'll not quibble about that). He sent me a text asking if I wanted to hang out down Nanny Boo Boo's. I haven't replied, and part of me thinks I should because if he's coming off crack then I feel like I should help him out.
He was saying stuff about Betty Blue but I don't think he's sorted out enough to be trying to get her back, not when she's long ago moved on and is with smooth talking Kissy Boy. She's going back to university soon anyway.
I think I need to move on too.
I thought about calling up The Punchbowl Girl but I just needed to recharge. I think I'm what they call an introvert. A few hours blethering away to Battle Cat makes me feel all gangsta again. I sometimes think he gets what I'm saying. Or at least he knows what some of the words mean in doggy speak.
I told him all about the Punchbowl Girl and about Fabian Wildman. Battle Cat let a woof out of him. I think he missed Fabian after he moved out and he was glad to see him the other morning.
Fabian left while I was at work and didn't steal anything (I think he stole a big block of cheese but I'll not quibble about that). He sent me a text asking if I wanted to hang out down Nanny Boo Boo's. I haven't replied, and part of me thinks I should because if he's coming off crack then I feel like I should help him out.
He was saying stuff about Betty Blue but I don't think he's sorted out enough to be trying to get her back, not when she's long ago moved on and is with smooth talking Kissy Boy. She's going back to university soon anyway.
I think I need to move on too.
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
Rescuing Fabian Wildman from the Amazon Porn Army
Nanny Boo Boo phoned me in a wile state earlier. It was horrible, she was saying she had a phonecall from Fabian Wildman and he was in a wile state, she thought he'd been smoking that horrible crack and he said he was chained to a radiator in the house of some guy called Vandle van Bundle.
"Do you mean Zim Van Bindle?" I asked.
"That's it," she sobbed down the phone.
There's nothing to spur you into action like an old woman crying. I forgot all about not being so keen on Fabian Wildman and his piss drinking ways anymore. I pulled on my coat and told Nanny Boo Boo I'd be back with a safe Fabian in no time.
I hoped on a bus (or two, maybe two) and in no time I was at Zim Van Bindle's house. I knocked on the door and when no one answered I braced myself to kick it down king kong kung-fu style. I was worried and thought that maybe a snarling horny Battle Cat could have won the day for me. I gave the door a final knock out of politeness and some sketchy man with black eyes answered the door. I pushed past him into the living room where Zim Van Bindle was sitting watch a DVD of Barb Wire surrounded by some she-ras.
"Where's Fabian Wildman?" I shouted.
"He's in the bathroom, he's going to test out the amazon warriors for me," Zim Van Bindle said. "I have to know that they can do this."
He pointed at the TV screen where this was happening:
"Fuck that," I said heading for the stairs.
"I went upstairs where Fabian Wildman was quivering below the sink with a load of other soon to be pulp guys. I did a macho thing and kicked the sink off the wall and screamed "Girl Power" the guys all ran off screaming.
Fabian Wildman and me escaped out of the window because we knew that the She-Ra's would destroy all the wimpy men running down the stairs. That plus Fabian Wildman owed Zim Van Bindle lots for weeks of crack he'd let him smoke.
Fabian is now sleeping on my couch. Hopefully he's learnt his lesson. I'm still not sure how I feel about everything but I'm glad that Zim Van Bindle's amazon army didn't fuck him up. Nanny Boo Boo was so pleased when I called her, she said that I should bring Battle Cat down for a big bowl of rotten sausages and me and Fabian Wildman down for wine.
"Do you mean Zim Van Bindle?" I asked.
"That's it," she sobbed down the phone.
There's nothing to spur you into action like an old woman crying. I forgot all about not being so keen on Fabian Wildman and his piss drinking ways anymore. I pulled on my coat and told Nanny Boo Boo I'd be back with a safe Fabian in no time.
I hoped on a bus (or two, maybe two) and in no time I was at Zim Van Bindle's house. I knocked on the door and when no one answered I braced myself to kick it down king kong kung-fu style. I was worried and thought that maybe a snarling horny Battle Cat could have won the day for me. I gave the door a final knock out of politeness and some sketchy man with black eyes answered the door. I pushed past him into the living room where Zim Van Bindle was sitting watch a DVD of Barb Wire surrounded by some she-ras.
"Where's Fabian Wildman?" I shouted.
"He's in the bathroom, he's going to test out the amazon warriors for me," Zim Van Bindle said. "I have to know that they can do this."
He pointed at the TV screen where this was happening:
"Fuck that," I said heading for the stairs.
"I went upstairs where Fabian Wildman was quivering below the sink with a load of other soon to be pulp guys. I did a macho thing and kicked the sink off the wall and screamed "Girl Power" the guys all ran off screaming.
Fabian Wildman and me escaped out of the window because we knew that the She-Ra's would destroy all the wimpy men running down the stairs. That plus Fabian Wildman owed Zim Van Bindle lots for weeks of crack he'd let him smoke.
Fabian is now sleeping on my couch. Hopefully he's learnt his lesson. I'm still not sure how I feel about everything but I'm glad that Zim Van Bindle's amazon army didn't fuck him up. Nanny Boo Boo was so pleased when I called her, she said that I should bring Battle Cat down for a big bowl of rotten sausages and me and Fabian Wildman down for wine.
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
Help Me I'm Turning Into a DIck
I'm doing that thing that guys who haven't had a shag in ages do. And I haven't had a shag in ages. I look at every girl as a potential ride. I'm not so bad that I'm giving them numbers out of ten but still.
I saw Nanny Boo Boo last night (no I'm not thinking of shagging her) and she was telling me that she's been reading my blog and she knows that I fancy Fabian Wildman's ex-girlfriend and that she hasn't said anything about it but she thinks it could cause a problem between us. I told her that there already was a big problem between us and that Fabian Wildman smelt of piss and had no chance of getting her back.
She said that Fabian was drinking his piss to try to calm his jitters when he was giving up crack and that so far it hadn't worked but him and her were hopeful.
A better use for a bottle of piss
I told her that Betty Blue was seeing some other guy in the office and that I was a bit jealous to start but they seem to be a bit loved up and that there was this other girl I might have a blossoming romance with. And she asked if it was the wee girl who was going to top herself and I said that wasn't a given and that maybe with my stud loving she'd give that idea up completely and get in my bed.
Nanny Boo Boo said she liked to hear me talking like that because she thought I should be out shagging lots of girls. She says that My Protege has himself a girlfriend now and I'm so jealous because he's obviously been using the street skillz I taught him and it seems to work for him but it hasn't for me.
The Punchbowl Girl hasn't been back at work for a few days and I'm starting to worry I've missed an opportunity for sex. We'll see.
I saw Nanny Boo Boo last night (no I'm not thinking of shagging her) and she was telling me that she's been reading my blog and she knows that I fancy Fabian Wildman's ex-girlfriend and that she hasn't said anything about it but she thinks it could cause a problem between us. I told her that there already was a big problem between us and that Fabian Wildman smelt of piss and had no chance of getting her back.
She said that Fabian was drinking his piss to try to calm his jitters when he was giving up crack and that so far it hadn't worked but him and her were hopeful.
I told her that Betty Blue was seeing some other guy in the office and that I was a bit jealous to start but they seem to be a bit loved up and that there was this other girl I might have a blossoming romance with. And she asked if it was the wee girl who was going to top herself and I said that wasn't a given and that maybe with my stud loving she'd give that idea up completely and get in my bed.
Nanny Boo Boo said she liked to hear me talking like that because she thought I should be out shagging lots of girls. She says that My Protege has himself a girlfriend now and I'm so jealous because he's obviously been using the street skillz I taught him and it seems to work for him but it hasn't for me.
The Punchbowl Girl hasn't been back at work for a few days and I'm starting to worry I've missed an opportunity for sex. We'll see.
Thursday, 24 June 2010
When Best Friends Fall Out
Nanny Boo Boo phoned me up last night to ask me how I thought the surprise for Fabian Wildman went. I didn't have a go at her about it being a surprise for me too. She skirted around it for a bit saying that she hoped he had a nice time and that maybe I'd like to come down another night and do it again.
I told her I love coming to visit her but I'd prefer if she'd let me know when Fabian Wildman is going to be there. She said that she thinks he's in a lot of trouble at the minute and he's living with that weirdo who kills animals. She says that she's scared for him.
I told her that before he lived with me Fabian Wildman used to live with a satanist who had full blown conversations with imaginary daemons and threaten him with knives. I didn't tell her that I used to talk to daemons as well.
She said that she knew Fabian had been bad in the past but that he needed his friends round him now. I told her I'd think about it.
Where do you cut some people off? (Fabian not Nanny Boo Boo).
I told her I love coming to visit her but I'd prefer if she'd let me know when Fabian Wildman is going to be there. She said that she thinks he's in a lot of trouble at the minute and he's living with that weirdo who kills animals. She says that she's scared for him.
I told her that before he lived with me Fabian Wildman used to live with a satanist who had full blown conversations with imaginary daemons and threaten him with knives. I didn't tell her that I used to talk to daemons as well.
She said that she knew Fabian had been bad in the past but that he needed his friends round him now. I told her I'd think about it.
Where do you cut some people off? (Fabian not Nanny Boo Boo).
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
A Rotten Fucking Set Up
Yesterday was the budget and I'm not sure about what it holds for Northern Ireland. All I know is that we're so dependent on the mainland that if there's cuts we're fucked in some way. I no longer think David Cameron doesn't care if his wife doesn't cum. I think he does, I don't know. All I know is that I think George Osborne doesn't care. He might not even be able to get it up. I told myself I wasn't going to cry but I did. I did so much.
There's a lot of talk about cutting benefits. If you cut money from the poor they will turn to crime. That's all I do know.
Nanny Boo Boo called me to ask if I wanted to come down to her house for a piss up. I jumped at the chance. She said to bring Battle Cat because she hadn't seen him in ages. She even said to bring down Hot Baby Roy because she felt bad about not coming to his birthday and no one should be on their own at their birthday.
We marched down to Stranmillis, me, the mutt, Hot Baby Roy and Hot Firey Love Lady (don't ask). We started the booze before we got there and I felt like the leader of a gang. I thought I might bump into my protege but the streets were clear. When I reached Nanny Boo Boo's the lights were out. I knocked on the door and she answered it looking a bit edgy.
She ushered us in and I saw that there was a big cake on the table and a banner on the wall saying Happy Birthday.
"Keep quiet," she said as she ushered us into the living room. "He's nearly here."
It was too late to leave and I only just clocked that she was throwing a party for Fabian Wildman. I nearly stormed out but she gave me a look like she was only trying to be nice. I know she thinks we should be mates again but I don't like the ballbag any more.
Then the door went.
Nanny Boo Boo answered it and her and him came into the livingroom.
She started singing happy birthday and the rest of us joined in half heartedly.
He looked happy to see us but then again he looked like he was back on crack with his scrawny scruffy giggling dirty way. He came up and started talking eagerly to me about how it was good to see me again and all that. He was so happy to see Battle Cat. I hoped Battle Cat would bite him but he offered his paw.
Fabian is such a mess nowadays. He told me pretty quickly he was back on crack and that he's living with this guy who catches birds and murders them. He doesn't like it but not many people want to live with a crackhead.
He went to talk to Hot Baby Roy and I had a chance to say to Nanny Boo Boo that she should have told me what she'd planned.
"Please stay for a bit, it'll do him good to see you," she kept saying.
I stayed for a few drinks but I really didn't want to see the rotten bastard. Hot Baby Roy was all happy to be showing off that he'd a girlfriend and Fabian was trying to work some of his old charm on her but she was having none of it. I bet he even wanked in his hair before he came here.
I hate being set up.
There's a lot of talk about cutting benefits. If you cut money from the poor they will turn to crime. That's all I do know.
Nanny Boo Boo called me to ask if I wanted to come down to her house for a piss up. I jumped at the chance. She said to bring Battle Cat because she hadn't seen him in ages. She even said to bring down Hot Baby Roy because she felt bad about not coming to his birthday and no one should be on their own at their birthday.
We marched down to Stranmillis, me, the mutt, Hot Baby Roy and Hot Firey Love Lady (don't ask). We started the booze before we got there and I felt like the leader of a gang. I thought I might bump into my protege but the streets were clear. When I reached Nanny Boo Boo's the lights were out. I knocked on the door and she answered it looking a bit edgy.
She ushered us in and I saw that there was a big cake on the table and a banner on the wall saying Happy Birthday.
"Keep quiet," she said as she ushered us into the living room. "He's nearly here."
It was too late to leave and I only just clocked that she was throwing a party for Fabian Wildman. I nearly stormed out but she gave me a look like she was only trying to be nice. I know she thinks we should be mates again but I don't like the ballbag any more.
Then the door went.
Nanny Boo Boo answered it and her and him came into the livingroom.
She started singing happy birthday and the rest of us joined in half heartedly.
He looked happy to see us but then again he looked like he was back on crack with his scrawny scruffy giggling dirty way. He came up and started talking eagerly to me about how it was good to see me again and all that. He was so happy to see Battle Cat. I hoped Battle Cat would bite him but he offered his paw.
Fabian is such a mess nowadays. He told me pretty quickly he was back on crack and that he's living with this guy who catches birds and murders them. He doesn't like it but not many people want to live with a crackhead.
He went to talk to Hot Baby Roy and I had a chance to say to Nanny Boo Boo that she should have told me what she'd planned.
"Please stay for a bit, it'll do him good to see you," she kept saying.
I stayed for a few drinks but I really didn't want to see the rotten bastard. Hot Baby Roy was all happy to be showing off that he'd a girlfriend and Fabian was trying to work some of his old charm on her but she was having none of it. I bet he even wanked in his hair before he came here.
I hate being set up.
Saturday, 22 May 2010
Still Just Me and Hot Baby Roy for his Party
I went down to visit Nanny Boo Boo today to ask if she wanted to go to Hot Baby Roy's party and she said that she didn't. She tried to be nice about it but she gave me a bottle of vodka and said to say happy birthday to him for her.
At least she gave him something which is more than I'll do. I've no money and I'm scared of going on the rob. I think I've lost my nerve for it but I have to get him something.
I asked her when her birthday was and she said that it had been last year when she went to London. I asked her why didn't she tell me and she said that if she had I'd have asked her her age and we'd have fallen out but she knows I'd have said happy birthday and then we drunk loads and forgot about it.
At least she gave him something which is more than I'll do. I've no money and I'm scared of going on the rob. I think I've lost my nerve for it but I have to get him something.
I asked her when her birthday was and she said that it had been last year when she went to London. I asked her why didn't she tell me and she said that if she had I'd have asked her her age and we'd have fallen out but she knows I'd have said happy birthday and then we drunk loads and forgot about it.
Thursday, 29 April 2010
Rock-a-Bye Hot Baby Roy
After coming home from Nanny Boo Boos yesterday, Hot Baby Roy came in a little while later. His face was all red and puffy, so red his hair looked blonde. I asked him what was up.
"Me and The Raven Princess Spandex are over," he said. "I suppose it never really began."
"What happened?" I asked.
"I went round there today and tried to talk to her all about my feelings, my love and how it was pure, even though it was full of sex and she acted all surprised and said she thought I was just her BFF. I told her that I'd never made my love or lust for her a secret and that she should just come round here and get in my bed. She didn't like that."
"Okay, I can see..."
"Fucking Rock and Roll Stephen has been round there with his new teeth and going over that fucking Marylin Monroe speech and she's all 'Rock and Roll Stephen has ideas.' Fuck her."
He was getting really worked up and then he pulled out a crack pipe.
"I read on your blog that you've been at it again, let's me and you have some now. Fuck girls. Crackheads together!"
I should have said no but my mouth was sore after getting a clash in it from Nanny Boo Boo. Hot Baby Roy said that he'd been wanting to do it for a long time but he thought I might kick him out. He said he was always jealous of me and Fabian Wildman hanging out smoking crack and huffing bags of glue. I told him it wasn't like that so much, only at the start.
He said that Fabian was a wanker these days anyways. He came across him one night out on Botanic and he was going to go to him and say hi but Fabian was following this drunk down the street and when the drunk started boking he through his burger in a bin and Fabian hoaked through the bin for ages until he found the burger and half a bottle of wine that was probably pish.
"Me and The Raven Princess Spandex are over," he said. "I suppose it never really began."
"What happened?" I asked.
"I went round there today and tried to talk to her all about my feelings, my love and how it was pure, even though it was full of sex and she acted all surprised and said she thought I was just her BFF. I told her that I'd never made my love or lust for her a secret and that she should just come round here and get in my bed. She didn't like that."
"Okay, I can see..."
"Fucking Rock and Roll Stephen has been round there with his new teeth and going over that fucking Marylin Monroe speech and she's all 'Rock and Roll Stephen has ideas.' Fuck her."
He was getting really worked up and then he pulled out a crack pipe.
"I read on your blog that you've been at it again, let's me and you have some now. Fuck girls. Crackheads together!"
I should have said no but my mouth was sore after getting a clash in it from Nanny Boo Boo. Hot Baby Roy said that he'd been wanting to do it for a long time but he thought I might kick him out. He said he was always jealous of me and Fabian Wildman hanging out smoking crack and huffing bags of glue. I told him it wasn't like that so much, only at the start.
He said that Fabian was a wanker these days anyways. He came across him one night out on Botanic and he was going to go to him and say hi but Fabian was following this drunk down the street and when the drunk started boking he through his burger in a bin and Fabian hoaked through the bin for ages until he found the burger and half a bottle of wine that was probably pish.
Wednesday, 28 April 2010
Tough Talking
I took Battle Cat down to see Nanny Boo Boo the other day and she hit me a clash on the mouth and said that her nephew had read on my blog that I'd been smoking crack again.
Most people I know that read my blog either don't know it's me or don't mention it but Nanny Boo Boo was saying that this ZIm Van Bindle character sounds like a complete fuck up and that his brain probably crawled out his ear one night and ran the fuck away.
Nanny Boo Boo said that I had my wee pup to think about and that how could I let a fuck up like Hot Baby Roy get dates with one of the girls next door and I couldn't get any. It was a right dressing down (not literally).
She said that I should cut out the crack, get a job, get my hair cut and buy some shoes that don't have holes in them. She said I looked like a tramp but she knew I could do better.
I told her it hurt my feelings and she said that if she thought I couldn't fix these things she wouldn't say them to me. She'd just not answer the door when I came to visit. But she knew I was a good lad with a lot of potential I just shouldn't waste it sitting round at a crackhead's house listening to him talk shite about Amazon armies and rainbow igloos. It sounds like some shite a child would scribble on a page and force it's worried, embarrased parent to stick on the fridge.
Most people I know that read my blog either don't know it's me or don't mention it but Nanny Boo Boo was saying that this ZIm Van Bindle character sounds like a complete fuck up and that his brain probably crawled out his ear one night and ran the fuck away.
Nanny Boo Boo said that I had my wee pup to think about and that how could I let a fuck up like Hot Baby Roy get dates with one of the girls next door and I couldn't get any. It was a right dressing down (not literally).
She said that I should cut out the crack, get a job, get my hair cut and buy some shoes that don't have holes in them. She said I looked like a tramp but she knew I could do better.
I told her it hurt my feelings and she said that if she thought I couldn't fix these things she wouldn't say them to me. She'd just not answer the door when I came to visit. But she knew I was a good lad with a lot of potential I just shouldn't waste it sitting round at a crackhead's house listening to him talk shite about Amazon armies and rainbow igloos. It sounds like some shite a child would scribble on a page and force it's worried, embarrased parent to stick on the fridge.
Thursday, 15 April 2010
Fine Wine in the Summertime
With the lovely sun out yesterday me and Battle Cat went for a nice big walk down the Lagan Meadows and called into Nanny Boo Boos on the way back, Nanny Boo Boo was sitting pished off her face in the back garden.
She told me that My Protege has turned into a responsible young man and has been doing nice chores for her like keeping the garden tidy and trimmed and she buys his drink for him at the Winemark.
She also said that Fabian Wildman had been calling round and that he was saying he felt bad about acting the dick when he moved out. She said that she thinks Fabian is smoking the bad stuff again and she doesn't mean tea. She said that he's all bug eyed and has holes in his shoes and that only the other week he was telling her that he'd been dancing on the street hoping to get money but that he only managed 50p and that wasn't enough, and then he stopped before he said too much.
I told her that I thought Fabian was cyclicle with his addictions and that I'm sure he'll stop the crack soon enough.
She said that we were always good mates and that I should forgive and forget. I'm not convinced. The only thing he's gotten in touch about is collecting some socks.
I told her he has my number and that he knows where I live if he wants to get in touch and she said that she thinks he's too proud. I told her people with holes in their shoes don't have room for pride.
She stopped talking about it then because neither of us want to have an arguement, she brought out a big bottle of red wine and I got pished and boked all the way home, nearly a good day.
A wee boke not far from Nanny Boo Boo's.
She told me that My Protege has turned into a responsible young man and has been doing nice chores for her like keeping the garden tidy and trimmed and she buys his drink for him at the Winemark.
She also said that Fabian Wildman had been calling round and that he was saying he felt bad about acting the dick when he moved out. She said that she thinks Fabian is smoking the bad stuff again and she doesn't mean tea. She said that he's all bug eyed and has holes in his shoes and that only the other week he was telling her that he'd been dancing on the street hoping to get money but that he only managed 50p and that wasn't enough, and then he stopped before he said too much.
I told her that I thought Fabian was cyclicle with his addictions and that I'm sure he'll stop the crack soon enough.
She said that we were always good mates and that I should forgive and forget. I'm not convinced. The only thing he's gotten in touch about is collecting some socks.
I told her he has my number and that he knows where I live if he wants to get in touch and she said that she thinks he's too proud. I told her people with holes in their shoes don't have room for pride.
She stopped talking about it then because neither of us want to have an arguement, she brought out a big bottle of red wine and I got pished and boked all the way home, nearly a good day.
A wee boke not far from Nanny Boo Boo's.
Friday, 26 February 2010
Tuesday Kid The Teacher - The Final Lesson
I was about to leave the house last night with my bottle of pink champaigne when the door went.
Standing outside looking worried and more haggard than a sixteen year old should was My Protege. I wondered if he was now on crack like I had been and I was wary of weapons he might be carrying.
"This is for you, can I come in? It's so cold," he said reaching out a Terrence Ternt D'arby CD to me. "I know all the gays like him."
I invited him in and told him that I wasn't gay and hadn't heard of Terrence Trent D'arby but I'd give it a listen. With song titles like Let Her Down Easy I'm in no rush.
He said that he'd been trying to change his ways since our last talk and he was sorry about what he did with the book I gave him but he had to act cool infront of his mates but he was trying to find new mates to be cool with, till that day he had to walk the thin line between how to be cool and how to true.
He tried to pull a profound face and I didn't want to tell him that to be true is to be cool. That would be my final lesson but it's one he should be taught by life, not by me.
I told him to go round to see Nanny Boo Boo because him and his gang had upset her with their wild boy behaviour. He said he would, I told him I'd be calling by from time to time.
He wandered off into the night to someday lick the bowl.
Standing outside looking worried and more haggard than a sixteen year old should was My Protege. I wondered if he was now on crack like I had been and I was wary of weapons he might be carrying.
"This is for you, can I come in? It's so cold," he said reaching out a Terrence Ternt D'arby CD to me. "I know all the gays like him."
I invited him in and told him that I wasn't gay and hadn't heard of Terrence Trent D'arby but I'd give it a listen. With song titles like Let Her Down Easy I'm in no rush.
He said that he'd been trying to change his ways since our last talk and he was sorry about what he did with the book I gave him but he had to act cool infront of his mates but he was trying to find new mates to be cool with, till that day he had to walk the thin line between how to be cool and how to true.
He tried to pull a profound face and I didn't want to tell him that to be true is to be cool. That would be my final lesson but it's one he should be taught by life, not by me.
I told him to go round to see Nanny Boo Boo because him and his gang had upset her with their wild boy behaviour. He said he would, I told him I'd be calling by from time to time.
He wandered off into the night to someday lick the bowl.
Saturday, 6 February 2010
Three Sisters Who Fell Into The Mountain
I'm wandering about Belfast feeling miserable more and more in my time off, because Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo are huffing with me so it feels like that song that says "it's not my home, it's their home and I'm welcome no more." I think it's by The Smiths.
So I walked down by the city centre and it was all a bit nothing, everyone is all running around feeling cool about not being skint this month. I shouldn't resent them it's just I'm miserable.
I thought that when I got a job things would start to move forward and they haven't. I don't have any friends for work that I hang out with when I'm not working. I spend most of my money sorting out my brother and Hot Baby Roy and the only friend I have that doesn't scrounge off me is Nanny Boo Boo.
Last year when I was going to lots of heavy metal vomit parties was a lot of fun but now no one from that time wants to know me. I remember seeing this troll on a TV show (it was an animation) and the troll was all going on about how he wanted a sweetheart and he asked these girls who came wandering into his cave (the came one by one at different times, but it just so happened they were sisters), the first two said no and so the troll turned them to stone (this may have been a metaphor for what they did to the poor troll's heart) and the last sister said yes, but it was only a trick to fuck the troll up worse. In the end she got her sisters free and the troll turned into a big stone mountain. I know how he feels (metaphorically), still.
So I walked down by the city centre and it was all a bit nothing, everyone is all running around feeling cool about not being skint this month. I shouldn't resent them it's just I'm miserable.
I thought that when I got a job things would start to move forward and they haven't. I don't have any friends for work that I hang out with when I'm not working. I spend most of my money sorting out my brother and Hot Baby Roy and the only friend I have that doesn't scrounge off me is Nanny Boo Boo.
Last year when I was going to lots of heavy metal vomit parties was a lot of fun but now no one from that time wants to know me. I remember seeing this troll on a TV show (it was an animation) and the troll was all going on about how he wanted a sweetheart and he asked these girls who came wandering into his cave (the came one by one at different times, but it just so happened they were sisters), the first two said no and so the troll turned them to stone (this may have been a metaphor for what they did to the poor troll's heart) and the last sister said yes, but it was only a trick to fuck the troll up worse. In the end she got her sisters free and the troll turned into a big stone mountain. I know how he feels (metaphorically), still.
Thursday, 28 January 2010
On The Day That JD Salinger Died
Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo are on the huff since I stopped them making dicks out of themselves in front of the Leotard Girl, no sweat guys. You're fucking welcome.
Anyways I took myself off down to Stranmillis because I've got to sort out My Protege, Nanny Boo Boo says he was up shouting out the front of her house and she told him to go away. He told her to suck his balls and she told him she would when they dropped. Then he burst into tears and ran away screaming.
I told her I would twist his balls for him, but I won't.
I'm going to give him one last chance to not be a dick and if he doesn't take it he's in trouble.
I found him outside Cutters Wharf human beatboxing. When he saw me coming he started screaming:
"He's gay! He's gay! He wears women's clothes!"
There weren't any passers by so no one but me gave a fuck.
I walked up to him and put my copy of Catcher in the Rye in his hands and told him all about JD Salinger being dead and how this was the book for him. This was my next lesson.
He took it and kicked it into the River Lagan.
I told him there and then that I was going to do something really nasty to him but I wasn't going to do it now, I wasn't going to tell him when, it might be soon or I might wait a few years but either way at some point I was going to do something really fucking nasty and when I did it he'd know that he deserved it for being a wee ballbag.
He screamed and ran away. I pinged a stone after him and it hit him on the head and he fell on his hoop with another scream. That isn't the nasty thing, and to be honest it's not even a taster. He's in trouble.
Anyways I took myself off down to Stranmillis because I've got to sort out My Protege, Nanny Boo Boo says he was up shouting out the front of her house and she told him to go away. He told her to suck his balls and she told him she would when they dropped. Then he burst into tears and ran away screaming.
I told her I would twist his balls for him, but I won't.
I'm going to give him one last chance to not be a dick and if he doesn't take it he's in trouble.
I found him outside Cutters Wharf human beatboxing. When he saw me coming he started screaming:
"He's gay! He's gay! He wears women's clothes!"
There weren't any passers by so no one but me gave a fuck.
I walked up to him and put my copy of Catcher in the Rye in his hands and told him all about JD Salinger being dead and how this was the book for him. This was my next lesson.
He took it and kicked it into the River Lagan.
I told him there and then that I was going to do something really nasty to him but I wasn't going to do it now, I wasn't going to tell him when, it might be soon or I might wait a few years but either way at some point I was going to do something really fucking nasty and when I did it he'd know that he deserved it for being a wee ballbag.
He screamed and ran away. I pinged a stone after him and it hit him on the head and he fell on his hoop with another scream. That isn't the nasty thing, and to be honest it's not even a taster. He's in trouble.
Sunday, 24 January 2010
My Protege has Gone Astray
Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo are huffing with each other over who's doing which part of the Anfield Rap, so I took myself to fuck out the house and went down with Battle Cat to see Nanny Boo Boo.
She brought out a big plate of buns for us and me and Battle Cat wolfed down the lot over a cup of tea.
She says that Fabian Wildman called in to see her the other week and he was asking after me, I didn't ask her too much about it and she didn't go on with it.
She says that My Protege has turned into a right stupid wee bastard, all out trying to act the cool hard man, and his wee gang try to get him to due stupid stuff and he's stupid enough not to even question it.
He's been running round baring his arse at cars, shoplifting flowers and stealing wine and cider from tramps.
I told her that I'd do something about it, but I'm not sure what. I don't want to just give him a good kicking. He needs to be taught a lesson.
She brought out a big plate of buns for us and me and Battle Cat wolfed down the lot over a cup of tea.
She says that Fabian Wildman called in to see her the other week and he was asking after me, I didn't ask her too much about it and she didn't go on with it.
She says that My Protege has turned into a right stupid wee bastard, all out trying to act the cool hard man, and his wee gang try to get him to due stupid stuff and he's stupid enough not to even question it.
He's been running round baring his arse at cars, shoplifting flowers and stealing wine and cider from tramps.
I told her that I'd do something about it, but I'm not sure what. I don't want to just give him a good kicking. He needs to be taught a lesson.
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Sometimes things can be nice
Last night I went round Nanny Boo Boo's. She said that she knows what happens in my blog and she's none too impressed. She said that I shouldn't be getting pished and talking down about my mates even if I think they've made a mess. She said Hot Baby Roy is a mess but he means well and she thinks that he could be a good guy to get in with those aerobics girls.
I told her that they wear leotards and she said that I wasn't at her house to score points. She said she rooted for me and anyone who was on my side. We talked about how we'd only known each other since this year and I told her that if Battle Cat could have wondered into anyone elses garden I'm glad he didn't because I think Nanny Boo Boo is great. She gave me a pair of socks and I half smiled and then she gave me a bottle of gin and said she's glad I don't smoke crack, and I felt a bit self conscious because I never really knew how much some people I know keep an eye on me. It's funny but Nanny Boo Boo makes me feel like I've more back up than I think sometimes.
Battle Cat was with me and the two of them had a right old time. I had bought her a gift. I'm shite shopping for presents so I won't say what but I think it was okay. I hope you're all doing well. Merry Christmas and thanks for reading this.
I told her that they wear leotards and she said that I wasn't at her house to score points. She said she rooted for me and anyone who was on my side. We talked about how we'd only known each other since this year and I told her that if Battle Cat could have wondered into anyone elses garden I'm glad he didn't because I think Nanny Boo Boo is great. She gave me a pair of socks and I half smiled and then she gave me a bottle of gin and said she's glad I don't smoke crack, and I felt a bit self conscious because I never really knew how much some people I know keep an eye on me. It's funny but Nanny Boo Boo makes me feel like I've more back up than I think sometimes.
Battle Cat was with me and the two of them had a right old time. I had bought her a gift. I'm shite shopping for presents so I won't say what but I think it was okay. I hope you're all doing well. Merry Christmas and thanks for reading this.
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