I've been feeling like a total dick today. I can't believe I've been back smoking crack again. I'd been quit for so long and all it took was meeting one prick on a bus to fuck the whole thing up.
That makes me wonder if I can trust myself around things like that in the future. I don't want to be around it but I'm always going to bump into people from the past who smoke it. Is that going to fuck it up for me every time?
Hot Baby Roy was in his bed when I left the house and he's away out now I'm back in. I don't know if he hit it off with The Raven Princess Spandex. I'd guess not but I'll say why another time.
I actually did vote. I'm not saying who I voted for but I will say that it wasn't UUP just because they're connected with the Tories. I know some of my readers might vote Tory, that's your choice and your right so let's not fight about it.
On my way to the poling station I bumped into Hoors Bastard, who I used to work with. He was smiling and happy and proud and said that he'd just voted DUP. He started saying that he was working in a different call centre now and that they were wanting more staff, and that I should come and join in the sum craic, Little My and Captain Cool Bastard and all the gang were there. Good King Thumpo, he'd been there to vote for TUV but there was no TUV candidate in South Belfast so he was sitting outside crying and saying that he spoiled his vote and that the other parties were only a shower of bastards.
Hoors Bastard said he should have voted DUP.
Good King Thumpo started shouting "Fuck the DUP", over and over at the top of his lungs.
Hoors Bastard told him that he'd better shut his hole or he'd be getting a haymacker in the face.
Then they started rolling about on the ground like a pair of lovers. Both of them passionate men, one of them already defeated with nothing to lose but the other with the chance of victory and the drive for success. I'm not sure who won but I fucked off to vote and went home a different way.
Showing posts with label hoors bastard. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hoors bastard. Show all posts
Thursday, 6 May 2010
Monday, 8 February 2010
Captain Cool Bastard Doesn't Live up to his Name
Today it's nice and bright and I'm on late shift so I'm a wee bit happier about everything, I've sent off a load of job applications and though they're for shit jobs I'm sure the change of scenery will be nice, so yeah I'm being all upbeat and possitive and part of that is because I've a new person in my life to look down on:
Captain Cool Bastard.
I think Captain Cool Bastard thought up the Captain Cool part of his name himself. He's been telling stories since I got in at 11. They've all consisted of fights he's won and girls he's fucked. None of them are from Belfast even though he's lived here his whole life (as Book Boy managed to worm out of him). But by all accounts he's fucked more than Cassanova and there's sure to be loads of Captain Cool Bastard Bastards running around Dublin, Drogheda, Dundalk, and anywhere else the Dublin Airport Bus stops at. Captain Cool Bastard says he goes down there once a month at least looking for sex and he always gets it. I sounds seriously more like some sort of rapist confession than anything else but Captain Cool Bastard says it always happens in hot steamy nightclubs like in that Usher song - Love in this Club.
I asked him why he never pulls in Belfast and he says that he likes Exotic foreigners. By this he means Irish Girls.
Fat Mo and Hoors Bastard have already taken a shine to him and the three of them have agreed to go on a rape (sorry pulling) spree at the end of the month.
Captain Cool Bastard.
I think Captain Cool Bastard thought up the Captain Cool part of his name himself. He's been telling stories since I got in at 11. They've all consisted of fights he's won and girls he's fucked. None of them are from Belfast even though he's lived here his whole life (as Book Boy managed to worm out of him). But by all accounts he's fucked more than Cassanova and there's sure to be loads of Captain Cool Bastard Bastards running around Dublin, Drogheda, Dundalk, and anywhere else the Dublin Airport Bus stops at. Captain Cool Bastard says he goes down there once a month at least looking for sex and he always gets it. I sounds seriously more like some sort of rapist confession than anything else but Captain Cool Bastard says it always happens in hot steamy nightclubs like in that Usher song - Love in this Club.
I asked him why he never pulls in Belfast and he says that he likes Exotic foreigners. By this he means Irish Girls.
Fat Mo and Hoors Bastard have already taken a shine to him and the three of them have agreed to go on a rape (sorry pulling) spree at the end of the month.
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
I'm not Crying, It's just Raining
Work is pure balls today, it's pissing down outside and all anyone seems to want to talk about is Alex and Jordan. I said that Alex and Jordan were no Peter and Jordan and Little My said that it was time to move on. She has a point, the only person who's been here longer than us now is Book Boy and I don't know how he even ended up here in the first place.
We've some new starts today and Hoors Bastard is among them, seems he came back and fought the good fight and has earned a prize job (balls). He keeps talking about this guy who was in training with him called Captain Cool Bastard. Apparently Captain Cool Bastard is pure lethal craic and he's going to get up to all sorts while he's here. Hoors Bastard compared him to Bolton from Heartbreak High and Little My left a wee wet patch on her seat. I asked Whoors Bastard who Bolton was and Little My said:
"Away you back to sleep."
This is apparently some craic when she says it when she's out with her millie friends. Speaking of millies, neither Hot Baby Roy nor Wino Jo caught on that they've as much chance of pulling the Leotard Girls as they do of pulling my bar.
They both secretly blame me for putting them off the Anfield Rap and they say they're going to bring it out at the next party. They'll lose more teeth than Rock and Roll Stephen if they do, who by all accounts is now a gummy bastard.
We've some new starts today and Hoors Bastard is among them, seems he came back and fought the good fight and has earned a prize job (balls). He keeps talking about this guy who was in training with him called Captain Cool Bastard. Apparently Captain Cool Bastard is pure lethal craic and he's going to get up to all sorts while he's here. Hoors Bastard compared him to Bolton from Heartbreak High and Little My left a wee wet patch on her seat. I asked Whoors Bastard who Bolton was and Little My said:
"Away you back to sleep."
This is apparently some craic when she says it when she's out with her millie friends. Speaking of millies, neither Hot Baby Roy nor Wino Jo caught on that they've as much chance of pulling the Leotard Girls as they do of pulling my bar.
They both secretly blame me for putting them off the Anfield Rap and they say they're going to bring it out at the next party. They'll lose more teeth than Rock and Roll Stephen if they do, who by all accounts is now a gummy bastard.
Thursday, 5 November 2009
Getting To Know My Cellmates
Now Hoors Bastard is gone I've been able to start getting to know the rest of the group.
It isn't pretty.
While they're are no Hoors Bastards they mostly seem to have problems of their own.
Only today Little My was sitting talking about how at night she also works in an off-licence. She said this like it was something to be proud of, working all the time. I was close to telling her I spent the past year sitting on my hole smoking crack but I didn't want to be the new Hoors Bastard so I just nodded and said: "that's nice."
That's starting to be my new catchphrase, there's another guy who works there and he says he's the baddest rapper in the game, he started spitting out all this shit about shooting people and rolling up the Ardone with the crips. He keeps trying to talk in rhyme. Little My thinks he's a genius. He thinks she looks like a gnome. It'll all end in tears, hopefully both of theirs.
It isn't pretty.
While they're are no Hoors Bastards they mostly seem to have problems of their own.
Only today Little My was sitting talking about how at night she also works in an off-licence. She said this like it was something to be proud of, working all the time. I was close to telling her I spent the past year sitting on my hole smoking crack but I didn't want to be the new Hoors Bastard so I just nodded and said: "that's nice."
That's starting to be my new catchphrase, there's another guy who works there and he says he's the baddest rapper in the game, he started spitting out all this shit about shooting people and rolling up the Ardone with the crips. He keeps trying to talk in rhyme. Little My thinks he's a genius. He thinks she looks like a gnome. It'll all end in tears, hopefully both of theirs.
Wednesday, 4 November 2009
Bye Bye Hoors Bastard and Fuck You to the Dole
Hoors Bastard started a conversation with me about music. I told him that I liked hip hop and R and B and he started all this shite about how I must be gay because Techno was the only thing that real men listened to.
I told him that he was sum craic and he had a big happy grin pasted all over his wobbly fat face all day, right up until our trainer told him he'd balled up his last test and he was out of the game.
He sat in the reception crying and told the trainer he'd get his da to come up and slap him on the bake. I'm glad to see the back of the fucker. Him and his sum craic and his happy hardcore collection. He'll need it now he's back on the dole queue. Speaking of which I went down there and asked for my £300. You see if you're on the dole for 6 months and then you get a job they'll give you £100 and the housing will give you £200 until you get your first wage. It's really a year but they're sneaky bastards about this. Anyway I had my dole cut off for two days a few months ago (long story) and because of this they say I haven't been receiving it for a whole year. Fucking bastards the lot of them. I hope Hoors Bastard turns their heads with his craic from now until they drop dead of being bastards.
I told him that he was sum craic and he had a big happy grin pasted all over his wobbly fat face all day, right up until our trainer told him he'd balled up his last test and he was out of the game.
He sat in the reception crying and told the trainer he'd get his da to come up and slap him on the bake. I'm glad to see the back of the fucker. Him and his sum craic and his happy hardcore collection. He'll need it now he's back on the dole queue. Speaking of which I went down there and asked for my £300. You see if you're on the dole for 6 months and then you get a job they'll give you £100 and the housing will give you £200 until you get your first wage. It's really a year but they're sneaky bastards about this. Anyway I had my dole cut off for two days a few months ago (long story) and because of this they say I haven't been receiving it for a whole year. Fucking bastards the lot of them. I hope Hoors Bastard turns their heads with his craic from now until they drop dead of being bastards.
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Call Centres Make Me Want To Smoke Crack
November is a miserable month, I'm all trying to keep things street and at work we're being told how to fleece people. See in all the contracts there's these wee clauses (not my work one, the ones that customers sign up to) and they say that customers aren't allowed money back if they don't want our products anymore but in court they could get it back (that was a struggle). This is bullshit, we're supposed to sit and say "read the small print (and weep)" and why should we, it's not as if we get any richer by ripping them off, I'm on a fixed hourly rate that will increase every year slightly below inflation.
I didn't know half this shit until some dude in the training started spouting it out. He wasn't there by the end of the day. I wish it had of been the fat hoors bastard because he's just caught on that one of the other guys is gay and he's started making all these really bad gay jokes and when no one laughs he says "What are yous like, I'm just being some craic!" Dunno about craic, I'd prefer a bit of crack after the money comes in.
Then when someone else says something properly funny he just sits with a big grumpy face and tries to outdo them with a big sweary gay joke, whoors bastard that he is.
I didn't know half this shit until some dude in the training started spouting it out. He wasn't there by the end of the day. I wish it had of been the fat hoors bastard because he's just caught on that one of the other guys is gay and he's started making all these really bad gay jokes and when no one laughs he says "What are yous like, I'm just being some craic!" Dunno about craic, I'd prefer a bit of crack after the money comes in.
Then when someone else says something properly funny he just sits with a big grumpy face and tries to outdo them with a big sweary gay joke, whoors bastard that he is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)