When Ex-Girlfriend's Get Married

Fabian Wildman called round today. He was in a bad way. He was crying and his eyes were all bloodshot from smoking loads of crack. I couldn't make sense of him at first so I let him sleep it off on my couch.

When he came round I took him out into the garden with cups of tea to find out what was up. I thought it was going to be some crackhead weird stuff but he said that Betty Blue was home from Uni and he ran into her. I thought it was going to be a story of them rekindling their old romance (all thanks to the litres of spunk Fabian rubs into his hair) but he said that she told him she was getting married to some guy called Kiss Man.

I asked if he meant Kissy Boy, and he said that was his old name but now he calls himself Kiss Man, or if he doesn't like you, Mr Kiss. Fabian started crying and saying that how come it's always his exes and never him who gets married? I asked what other exes of his were married and he said some girl before he knew me. She wasn't just some girl, their break-up was what started him on crack, or maybe him started crack was what caused the break-up, he wasn't sure. He remembers it different ways depending on what suits, he said.

He said at the wedding he sat outside the church on a motorcycle smoking tobacco cigarettes and playing this song on a ghetto blaster



Except that it wasn't him who made the stupid mistake it was her for leaving him.

He sat crying on his motorcycle throughout the service and when the bride and groom came out at the end everyone threw confetti at them, except him, he flicked a fag butt at them and sped off into the sunset, with the song still playing.

He said he was going to do it again when Betty Blue marries Kiss Man because he's so unhappy about it and he won't stop there, he'll get a job as a waiter at the reception and trash fuck out of the place before anyone even gets there and he'll hide inside the crack and jump out of it at the fuckers and headbutt Kiss Man right in the fucking face just so Betty Blue has to look at an ugly bastard all her married life.

I'm not Crying, It's just Raining

Work is pure balls today, it's pissing down outside and all anyone seems to want to talk about is Alex and Jordan. I said that Alex and Jordan were no Peter and Jordan and Little My said that it was time to move on. She has a point, the only person who's been here longer than us now is Book Boy and I don't know how he even ended up here in the first place.

We've some new starts today and Hoors Bastard is among them, seems he came back and fought the good fight and has earned a prize job (balls). He keeps talking about this guy who was in training with him called Captain Cool Bastard. Apparently Captain Cool Bastard is pure lethal craic and he's going to get up to all sorts while he's here. Hoors Bastard compared him to Bolton from Heartbreak High and Little My left a wee wet patch on her seat. I asked Whoors Bastard who Bolton was and Little My said:

"Away you back to sleep."

This is apparently some craic when she says it when she's out with her millie friends. Speaking of millies, neither Hot Baby Roy nor Wino Jo caught on that they've as much chance of pulling the Leotard Girls as they do of pulling my bar.

They both secretly blame me for putting them off the Anfield Rap and they say they're going to bring it out at the next party. They'll lose more teeth than Rock and Roll Stephen if they do, who by all accounts is now a gummy bastard.

Lazy Days

I've been sitting in the house today doing some long overdue cleaning. I found some mushrooms growing below the sofa and I was looking forward to eating them until Fabian Wildman pointed out they'd be poisonous. I spent a while online and I ended up watching this Katy Perry video. I like her style. It's a good job the guy says "I do" at the end but we all know he has his doubts.

Today I woke up to find a hole in my shoe. I went down to Oxfam but I didn't have enough money for crack and shoes, so I stole some trainers. When I got them home I realised they were girls. My crack dealer laughed at me. If I had another dealer to go to I'd totally shop him to the peelers.

Fat Rab and the Death Owl were up in court today for sacrificing a goat. I went down to the courthouse to check it out. The judge sat and smirked as the peelers described the dead hacked up goat in Fat Rab's house. I sat and made wanker signs at The Death Owl throughout. He drew his finger across his throat to tell me I was "so dead". I'm so going to set fire to him sometime I'm high on crack because that way I'll get off with it in court.

I think the judge is a member of the Death Owl and Fat Rab's Occult Society because he threw the case out and set them free. I was so sure the wankers were going down for this. I was pissed off. I walked home and smoked some crack and sat staring at my girls' shoes near in tears then Hooka and Fat Rab started getting down to this song all fucking night.

It isn't fair.