Cowboys Vs Indians

Yesterday was my Fruitarian Brother's birthday party, and like those of you who read this will no I haven't really seen much of them this year (except Wino Jo - who I used to live with.)

He was in good form. He's off the drink now and he seems not to be telling people what to do or how to do it anymore. He asked how Hot Baby Roy was and when I told him that he was seeing Hot Firey Love Lady he laughed his ass off and said that he bet she was an ugly monster and that he knew Hot Baby Roy didn't stand a chance with the Raven Princess Spandex. I told him he didn't stand a chance with Princess Cheetara either, and that the Leotard Girls were annoying as fuck and do nothing but hold big milbag parties that spill out onto the street fighting.

He says that never bothered him because he has a wee rock and roll step that Foosted Wotsit Head showed him. I asked if he'd heard from Foosted Wotsit Head and he shrugged.

My metaller brother was in good form and just talking about work and the new Iron Maiden album. The Hot Shot Banker was missing because he's living in Switzerland now (lucky bastard) and the Fruitarian was there with all his hippy mates.

I bought him a baby apple tree that he can grow and get apples from when he's in a fruitarian mode.

Some of his hippy mates had guitars and they started playing lame hippy stuff that went:

"Bumble bee, don't sting me,
we are friends, make honey."

Repeat until you have forgotten what you were doing before the song started. I hated it but clapped politely. Then ran like fuck.

A Family Update

My Fruitarian Brother showed up at my house today. I haven't seen any of my brothers in ages.

He was telling me that Wino Jo is getting out of hand. He's still off the booze but telling everyone that they're wrong about everything from what music they listen to to how they see society. I told him that he was being a dick at the end of living here and not letting Hot Baby Roy watch his teen romances.

Then he said that our Hot Shot Banker Brother was fed up trying to make his millions banking and turned to gambling, everyone thought it was a turn for the worse, except he was really good at it and after a few lucky big wins had fucked off to Switzerland rich as fuck. He posted him back pictures of him skiing and in a jacuzzi with lots of girls and a message on the back saying "which one for my wife?"

He said that he was thinking about going vegan (the phase before he goes full on fruitarian) and that our metaller brother was still listening to screaming hot electric heavy metal rock and roll solos on his hifi.

And that was it for the family update. Nice to catch up once in a while.

I asked him if he wanted some pancakes and he sat for a few but I'm sure he barfaramma'd them up in the bogs before he left. Yuk!

He said that it was his birthday next month and he wanted us to have an ethical party at his house. I don't know what an ethical party is but it sounds like the sort of thing to put Wino Jo back on the booze.

Wino Jo Needs To Go!

Wino Jo threw another fit last night and told me that he was going to stab Hot Baby Roy if he brought another filthy video into the house.

I told him that they were DVDs and he smashed a cup. He threw it against the window but we have double glazing so it didn't break it.

He told me that he needed to show Hot Baby Roy and me about decency and how to live our lives.

I started thinking about how he lived with my metaller brother with all his heavy metal about sex and killing and occult stuff. Wino Jo says my metaller brother toes the line.

I rang my metaller brother and he told me he kicked Wino Jo out to fuck after he melted a Rage Against The Machine CD on him and wished me luck with the weird fucker.

I told him I couldn't be arsed and warned Hot Baby Roy that he might get stabbed. I'm going to beat Wino Jo up in his sleep tonight and give him nightmares to make him move out. Hope it works. Wish me luck.

Touching the Bowl

I've a right fucking hangover after all that cake and wine. My guts feel like chewing gum and my shite's coming out like toothpaste. Fucking harsh. I got some more booze in me to nip the bastard before it starts. My metaller brother sent me a text today. Not an apology, just a "what you been up to with yourself dude" thing.

Anyways, hangovers are weird because I didn't feel so pished last night after I came home but Fabian Wildman says I fed a whole packet of sausages to Battle Cat and tried to get him to run down the street like in cartoons. I do remember doing this but it didn't look as funny as I thought it would have.

Anyway I've got to go for a job interview later so I'm going to have to clean myself up. Wish me luck.

Lick the Bowl

I went round to my metaller brothers last night thinking we were in for a cool time hanging out. When I got there my fruitarian brother and my hot shot banker one were there too.

We all went into the living room, and there was Wino Jo, sitting alive and well, looking washed and shaved.

"Hello Tuesday Kid," he said giving me a firm handshake.

"Wino Jo! You're not dead! I thought Foosted Wotsit Head had murdered you!"

I saw the metaller brother and the hot shot banker give each other a funny look.

"So this is a big party to celebrate you coming back, where were you?"

"I was getting dried out," he says, pointing up behind him. I don't know where he was pointing because there's not that much between here and the sea.

"Tuesday Kid," my metaller brother said. "We're hear today to talk to you about some of your problems."

It was then I clocked too late, that I'd just walked in to my own intervention.

"My problems? What problems?" I don't think they were concerned about my lack of sexy lover girls.

"Doing heroin, living with a heroin addict..."

"I've never done heroin."

"You smoke crack," he shouted. "You need to get dried out."

"Crack is freebased cocaine! And I haven't smoked crack since February. What the fuck is this?"

I looked at the Hot Shot Banker, "You read my blog, you should know that I gave up ages ago, why didn't you tell them?"

"I stopped reading it because you were slagging me off," he said looking sulky.

"What about that phonecall the other night?" My metaller brother asked triumphantly. "You were clearly out of it on something."

"I was drunk, you drink too you fucking dickhead. So what if I get pissed? or sniff the odd felt tip? The reality is none of you really give a fuck, and you're all doing this to act like big men (that's a quote I stole from Jeremy Kyle). How long have you all known that Wino Jo was back? and you knew I was worried, and you never told me, and none of you were there when I did give up crack."

None of them could really say anything to this.

"Fuck this," I said. "I'm going home to lick the bowl."

I stormed out of the house. The fruitarian followed me out. He said I should come back because we hadn't hung out in ages. I told him to get fucked, after all the bunches of bananas I bought him when he was rolling about naked in his garden looking like Jungle Barry.

I wandered down to the train station telling myself that I needed to get the fuck out of Sammy Wilson country, and that when I did get home I was seriously going to lick the bowl.

We'll Make Great Pets

My metaller brother called today and said that he hadn't seen me in ages, and wanted to know if I'd come to his house to hang out this week. I said yeah, and asked him had he heard anything about Wino Jo. He said that he'd explain it when he saw me. I was a bit worried by this answer and said:

"He's not dead is he?"

My Metaller brother chucked and said "No, no, no, don't be silly."

Strange answer but I guess they must have heard something about him being okay.

Betty Blue brought round a mate last night and the four of us had dinner. I'd no real warning of this(fifteen minutes notice from Fabian Wildman) but I clicked pretty early that they were trying to set me up with her.

I didn't mind but I'd planned a night of licking the bowl. I also needed time to download some cool shit from the internet on how to talk to hippy girls. I'd learned from the party that they didn't get impressed from fight stories, which is a pity because I've a few good ones.

As it turned out she was into "causes" one of which was endangered animals. Which is a cool cause, she was talking for ages about pandas and tigers etc and it all sounded really cool up until she said. "We don't want to see another beautiful creature like the unicorn become extinct."

I didn't know what to say about this. So I smiled and said "I used to know a girl in primary school who thought unicorns were real."

I don't know what was worse, the look on her face or the look on Fabian and Betty Blue's I wasn't trying to be nasty, it just popped out. Because I thought she was sweet, and I've always put being a nice person over brains.

The night didn't get any worse, but we didn't really hit it off.

It all comes out (a bit)

I got really pissed the other day when I was down at Nanny Boo Boo's, that old lady likes to pack her vodka away. I like it too but vodka always leaves me in a really emotional state and after blurting out to her that I wasn't looking forward to Fabian Wildman leaving and how my brother Wino Jo had been missing all year and no one's seen him and I hadn't heard from my brothers in months and I was pissed off that no one gave a fuck. I told her about Foosted Wotsit head and how I thought he'd done something to Wino Jo but that he'd disappeared to and all the leads were cold.

She said that I should put an add in the Belfast Telegraph but I said I'd no money and sure no one reads the classifieds except for spooks looking for instructions on their next mission.

She asked me some more about Foosted Wotsit Head and when I told her she said that she'd known him years ago and that she was surprised he was a wino because back in the day gambling was his thing and that he played a mean game of stud poker.

I was so plastered but when I got home Fabian Wildman was out and so I phoned my metaller brother in Larne but he wasn't in so I left him a voice mail. I have to admit I was pretty emotional so it just came out something like:

"Wino Jo...Wino Jo...where is Wino Jo....f-f-f-Foosted Wotsit Head has had bad dreams."

Or some shit so I hate to think what he made of it. I haven't heard back from him. I might leave it a week or two and call again.