Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging Night

Hot Baby Roy called round plastered last night. He brought a DVD of Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging.

"If you like Hermione Granger you'll love this!" he foamed at the mouth as he reached for the DVD player with big greedy hands and greedy eyes.

"Is there magic girls in it?" I asked him.

"Not that kind of magic," he said, "but magic all the same."

As it turned out, it was a film about teenage girls learning about growing up. I didn't like it in the way he thought I would but it seemed a touching wee film anyway, in the end it just bored the fuck out of me. The girl was a grumpy teen who talked like a bucket of melted ice cream. I fell asleep at the part where she goes to get snogging lessons and woke up at the end as the band in the movie (The Stiff Dylans), play a pish song.

There were some bits Hot Baby Roy wanted us to watch twice but we politely (but firmly) said no. After it finished he asked if we fancied seeing Bratz. We told him that we were tired and it could wait til another day but he said one of the girls had a deaf friend. We told him he should bring it another time.

He also kept making hints that he's about to get kicked out of his flat, oh dear.

Nominated

I'm just coming on here briefly to boast about being nominated for two irish blog awards. Thank you to whoever nominated me. And since I'll probably not win I'll give you the speech I'll been busting to deliver since I was first nominated back in 2009:

"I keep it real. Life on the streets is tough. Fuck tha police, fuck tha government, politicians man fuck em too. Fuck advertising companies and people who photoshop models on magazine covers. Blah blah blah and thank you to Hermione Granger for keeping me company on those long lonely nights."

I'd probably not say the half of this. I'd just mutter something about how nice it is to win and get very drunk back in my seat.

Congrats to everyone else nominated.

 If you are wondering what's been happening with me I'll give you a little bit of info:

Hot Baby Roy and Hot Firey Love Lady have moved in together (in Leeds).

I'm sharing my bachelor pad with two dogs (Battle Cat, of course, and Ma-Mutt [Good King Thumpo's dog. No one has seen Good King Thumpo since he went to make his snuff movie]).

Fabian Wildman is still doing the rounds and we see each other from time to time.

Nanny Boo Boo is alive and well.

My protege has started catering college and sometimes brings me cakes to stuff my face with.

And as for me and the Punchbowl Girl, I'll keep you guessing.

That Kicking Didn't Go According To Plan Then

It was such a simple plan; I had his address and I was on my way round to Mother of Bowling Ball's to give him the kicking of his life.

Instead I spend last night sitting in casualty.

I left work early complaining of having a dicky tummy, which was a complete lie. I was fighting fit. I went home to do some press-ups (not too many because they tire you out, just enough so I'd be all big and fearsome looking). I took no weapons with me; this was going to be a clean street brawl. I thought about texting Hot Baby Roy so he could come and watch, maybe even lay a few digs in while Mother of Bowling Ball was flat on his back crying. But no, Hot Firey Love Lady would try to stop me, this was going to run as smooth as Barry White sliding out of a fridge.

On the way over I did a Rocky Run and thought maybe some street kids would run along with me because they knew I was the champ. I stopped just round the corner from the house to get my game plan together. I was going to have to knock the door, storm in when it was opened and slam it behind me. If it wasn't Mother of Bowling Ball that answered the door I was going to have to tear the place apart to find him.

There was a sound coming from inside a bin like a dog had a toothy accident when licking it's balls. It was distracting me and I needed focus. I opened the lid to see Wino Jo in there with a big yellow face half hiccoughing, half screaming.

"Wino Jo? What the fuck are you at?"

He couldn't remember. He banged about inside the bin until it fell over, then he crawled out and boked all over the alleyway.

He's off the wagon then. Worse than that he'd been drinking Turgenev (vodka and Berroca) all day. Bad fucking move. Because Berroca is full of vitamins you're only really supposed to have one glass of the stuff. It gives you a nice kick if you're trying to keep a bender going but no way should you get drunk on it.

The Turgenev left in the bottle was the colour of a happy horses pish (yellow - not clear). I took him to the city hospital where we had to wait for hours to get seen. I kept getting water into Wino Jo and making him go to the toilet to boke. By the time we were seen he was a complete mess but he was past the worst of it. The doctor just sent us home and asked me to keep an eye on him.

Yes he's back at mine, he's off the wagon. I don't know how long either is going to be fore but I hope both are not long.

Tramps Beg For Change On The Streets! Leave Me Be!

It's funny that Hot Baby Roy seems so developed these days (even though disaster threatens to rear its head at any minute). He was always the one out of us that I thought was the one you could depend on to be doing worse than you. I think maybe Fabian Wildman thought that about me, but I've a shit job and a great girlfriend so I've gained a lot more than I started with at the beginning of this blog.

Even though he's meant to be getting off crack for good I thought Fabian Wildman was the one person I knew who had really let themselves go. That was until I came across Panther Man the other day. He was sitting down the back of Queen Street drinking scrounged up cider with Foosted Wotsit Head. I remember he used to wear black velvet and slink around the place giving out faux/obvious wisdom to all the banal fuckers who'd lap it up. It wasn't a bad racket, certainly better than scrounging up change.

They asked me if I'd some money for Buckfast because then they could make Solzenicyn.

I told them there was no cider in Solzenicyn and they gleefully waved a bottle of brown lemonade at me.

There was a time I'd have sat and joined them, another I'd have mugged them for their coppers and silvers, this time I shrugged and walked away down the street.

Am I turning mean? I guess Bowie knows.

Hot Baby Roy is Gainfully Employed

Hot Baby Roy has now a job for the first time since I've known him (nearly two years). I worked. Hot Firey Love Lady gave him a reference bundled with fucking lies and they sucked it all in. Now Hot Baby Roy works in management. I can now tell you something I didn't want to previously tell you about him because it makes him sound like a scumbag. It doesn't anymore though, because he now has a respectable job.

Hot Baby Roy's first employment was as a postman. Hot Baby Roy was not the proverbial Pat, waving hello to the neighbours and doing them a good deed to help the community. No, Hot Baby Roy used to rifle through the bag for anything that looked like money (dole cheques, birthday cards etc) then he'd dump everything else into a bin and fuck off to the off-licence. He'd be sitting plastered on the bus home by eleven o'clock, staring bug eyed all round him hoping no one touted on him to the Post Office. He said that once he boked all over the old people seats at the front and that maybe someone thought that was too far because he was sacked soon after. It wasn't an old person though because any of them who sat on it probably thought it was thick pish coming from their out of control bladders.

Or so he says. I'm on the side of any old person who sat on it. I once pished myself on a bus so I know the shame some poor old fucker felt, and it not even their mess.

    The Opposite of Hot Baby Roy (except for them being both ginger)

I Only Want To Party With My Baby

It was Betty Blue's leaving do last night. Me and The Punchbowl Girl showed up nice and early because we weren't going to stay long. The Unicorn Girl and Clarence were there and for once Clarence wasn't being the biggest pishflap there. He actually made himself scarce after he saw me because he knows I'm going to boot him a new arsehole for what he did to Hot Baby Roy.

The Unicorn Girl was making catty shitty remarks to and about The Punchbowl Girl, nothing overt, really dickish shit about her getting fired, said in that kind of I'm nice and friendly but saying shit.

Betty Blue and Kissy Boy took off upstairs to fuck early on in the night so me and The Punchbowl Girl fucked off with our beer and a few bottles of wine that belonged to someone we don't know or care about.

We fucked off home where it we had a better party on our own.

Since the last post it hasn't all been a blur of hot spandex (though that has featured). In other news:

Pearl Jam 10 is the best grunge album (I've learned this after an intensive week of grunge).

There should be a second series of This Is England 86 (there fucking better be).

Will the road works outside Primark ever be complete?

A man can find some great clothes in a charity shop but he needs a woman with him.

Ed Balls has a defective nose.

This website makes me laugh lots and lots.

Hypertension, dog walking and spandex (not at the same time)

I went down to see Nanny Boo Boo tonight because Hot Baby Roy was out with Hot Firey Love Lady (shit I forgot to say that they got back together after he explained that he felt humiliated with the first beating and that he was only learning Karate to defend himself but he's been used to reading about the violence so much that both Mother of Bowling Ball and Clarence being there made him go red and he was going to open a can of whoop-ass but left the can opener at home. It worked - yay for him).

Nanny Boo Boo told me that it was going to come out sooner or later. I said I wanted it to come out later but that wee bastard let things out of the bag. Nanny Boo Boo said that I just had to let her make her own mind up about it. The wee fellah may be a dick but he might have done me a favour if it gets me some spandex love.

She said that she had been to the doctors after taking a funny turn when her and Fabian Wildman were in the garden (she said it wasn't as dramatic as she makes it sound but Fabian insisted she was going to the doctor about it). She's been told that she needs to cut back on the alcohol and cakes (even though Nanny Boo Boo is not in any way fat) and take some regular exercise.

I asked her if she'd like to take Battle Cat for a walk with me sometime. She said that she'd like that because she doesn't get to have as much time with him as she used to. She said she could even take him for walks herself because she knows that I don't have as much time as I used to now I'm at work, and I'll have even less when that girl accepts my kinky ways.

Tonight Will Be Fine

Hot Baby Roy is out now to see Hot Firey Love Lady. She wants to talk about the weekend and what happened. I hope it works out. Hot Baby Roy feels terrible about it but I'm not sure if it's because she's upset with him or because he had his ass kicked for a second time in front of her.

The Punchbowl Girl has asked me out to a party tonight so I can meet some of her mates. I hope it goes okay. I hope there's not some typical Belfast blast from the past waiting to knee me in the proverbial balls.* I hope that in the words of Leonard Cohen (a favourite of The Punchbowl Girl's) "Tonight will be fine, will be fine, will be fine, will be fine."

*In Belfast everyone knows everyone else so when you meet someone new they always know people you know (and don't want to see anymore) or worse people you've fucked over (or fucked up).

When I went to kick everyone's ass I didn't leave the house

So I tried to get Hot Baby Roy to clean himself up a bit before he took me round to where Mother of Bowling Ball lived. He was saying no no, and that he didn't want to make things any worse. I asked him how it could be any worse. He's been beat up and dumped.

He said that both Clarence and Mother of Bowling Ball were at Hot Firey Love Lady's house waiting for me to show up. So they could break my bones.

I asked him what the fuck had happened.

He said that him and Hot Firey Love Lady were just chilling out when Mother of Bowling Ball and Clarence Pishflap came in. Clarence Pishflap was making dicky remarks about him and how he was a pervert with a suspect film collection. He told Clarence to fuck off or he'd be sorry. Then Mother of Bowling Ball laughed and told him that he should sit and take his slagging because he was in no position to act the hard man. He knew because he'd had a fight with him and sometimes still laughs about how easy it was to win.

Hot Baby Roy jumped up and told him that he wasn't going to be laughing about this. Then he tried some of his Karate from a book that he'd been learning. And when he shouted key-eye! Mother of Bowling Ball blocked his punch and nutted him in the face. Then him and Clarence started laying in the digs. Hot Firey Love Lady split the whole thing up and told Mother of Bowling Ball she'd get him kicked out this time but Mother of Bowling Ball said that he was just defending himself.

Hot Firey Love Lady asked Hot Baby Roy to leave because she didn't think he was into violence but she's not sure she can look at him in the same way again after what he did, or tried to do.

I told him that me and him were going to break some legs. I could take both Mother of Bowling Ball and Clarence Pishflap out with brow slaps but he started crying even more and telling me that I'd ruin his chances of getting back with Hot Firey Love Lady if I did. I told him that it didn't even sound like he was definately dumped.

This really puzzled hopeful look came across his face and I told him that I wouldn't go round there now as long as he gave me the address and was okay about me breaking Mother of Bowling Ball's legs at a later date.

He said he'd like that.

I also asked if I could teach him how to fight because Karate from a book works only in the book.

He said he'd like that too.

Then I bought us some beers and we talked long into the night about the kicking I was going to teach him to give Clarence Pishflap but Mother of Bowling Ball was going to be mine.

I'm going to give someone a good kicking

Hot Baby Roy just walked in the door with blood pissing out of his face. He says Mother of Bowling Ball did it to him and Hot Firey Love Lady has dumped him. I don't know what the fuck has happened but I'm going to knock that grunge bastard's head off.

When Your Girlfriend Meets Your "Friends" for The First Time

The Punchbowl Girl met Hot Baby Roy last night, and he couldn't have been better. No embarrassing stories, no mentions of suspect teenage films that he wanted us to watch. No, instead he talked about how him and Hot Firey Love Lady had went to Burbon a few nights ago and how he recommends we go there. Then when The Punchbowl Girl asked him where he worked instead of talking about how he hasn't worked in years he said that he's between things but has a job interview for managing a store later in the week and that he's very hopeful.

He told me on the sly that he's made up his entire work history and that Hot Firey Love Lady is down as a reference and she'll lie for him no sweat.

Then he went to meet Hot Firey Love Lady.

Not every meeting with people I know has went so smoothly. We bumped into Good King Thumpo earlier and he was foaming at the mouth about how he couldn't wait to go tomorrow to make his snuff movie. He'd found some guys out in the countryside through Gumtree and that they were all set to make immigrant snuff with him.

He ran off home saying he was going to have a practice on the punchbag and sharpen his saw up.

I hope something goes wrong.

How Do You Meet Justin Bieber

I told Hot Baby Roy yesterday about my meeting with Clarence Pishflap. He said that Hot Firey Love Lady's met Clarence already and thinks he's a pishflap. He'd been round her house because he knows Mother of Bowling Ball.

I suppose it makes sense because I keep forgetting how everyone in Belfast knows everyone else. The only reason I met Mother of Bowling Ball is because he was at a party with Betty Blue's mates. And Clarence hangs around with The Unicorn Girl, and Betty Blue said he used to go out with Sandcastles.

Hot Baby Roy laughed his hole off when I said this. He said their relationship was little more than a horny girl fed up with frozen cucumbers. He had shagged her a few times and told her he wanted a relationship. Sandcastles couldn't be arsed with his whining so she said yes but then one time Clarence took him round to her house it was awkward as fuck. They barely spoke for over an hour. Then Clarence went to the toilet and she started asking him if he liked her legs. He said that he didn't want to insult her so he said yes. Then she told him that he could rub them if he wanted, and to hang around after Clarence left. Hot Baby Roy thought he was going to get his hole but Clarence had been on the other side of the door listening to the whole thing. He burst in all Hercule Poirot. Aha!

And that's why they're not friends anymore.

I asked him how he met Clarence. He said he'd thrown a party at his a few years ago when he lived with his parents. He invited a load of people he didn't really know because the object of the party was for him to make new buddies. He was having a wild time when the party started swinging but because of all the booze he'd drank he needed to have a big pish. So when he went to drain cyclops in the bog he heard funny noises coming from his parent's room.

He went in and found Clarence rummaging through his mum's underwear drawer. He turned around all startled.

"I'm not wanking," Clarence shouted.

Then they became friends.

My New Favourite Song

Last night I had The Punchbowl Girl back at mine. One great thing is that she loves Battle Cat and he thinks she's great. She met him last week briefly when she stayed over but yesterday was the first time they hung out properly.

He doesn't do tricks but he did give her his paw and didn't hump her leg. He sits when we're having a chat with a big doggy grin on his face.

Hot Baby Roy was at Hot Firey Love Lady's so we had the house to ourselves.

Anyways I took her up into my room and she was going through my CDs. She gave a giggle but quickly apologised when she saw all the So Solid Crew and Akon and old crap that I don't really listen to any more. She said that she thought I was into Tom Waits and stuff like that. I told her I was into that but really I just downloaded it onto my laptop because I didn't buy CDs any more (go on the pirates). I thought about showing her the mix CD I found earlier in the year and saying it was mine but then I came up with a better idea and showed her some of the cool stuff I like now on youtube then she showed me a cool song she liked and before you knew it we were having a youtube party. The Punchbowl Girl put this song on near the end and I have to say I've found my new favourite song:

Cowboys Vs Indians

Yesterday was my Fruitarian Brother's birthday party, and like those of you who read this will no I haven't really seen much of them this year (except Wino Jo - who I used to live with.)

He was in good form. He's off the drink now and he seems not to be telling people what to do or how to do it anymore. He asked how Hot Baby Roy was and when I told him that he was seeing Hot Firey Love Lady he laughed his ass off and said that he bet she was an ugly monster and that he knew Hot Baby Roy didn't stand a chance with the Raven Princess Spandex. I told him he didn't stand a chance with Princess Cheetara either, and that the Leotard Girls were annoying as fuck and do nothing but hold big milbag parties that spill out onto the street fighting.

He says that never bothered him because he has a wee rock and roll step that Foosted Wotsit Head showed him. I asked if he'd heard from Foosted Wotsit Head and he shrugged.

My metaller brother was in good form and just talking about work and the new Iron Maiden album. The Hot Shot Banker was missing because he's living in Switzerland now (lucky bastard) and the Fruitarian was there with all his hippy mates.

I bought him a baby apple tree that he can grow and get apples from when he's in a fruitarian mode.

Some of his hippy mates had guitars and they started playing lame hippy stuff that went:

"Bumble bee, don't sting me,
we are friends, make honey."

Repeat until you have forgotten what you were doing before the song started. I hated it but clapped politely. Then ran like fuck.

The Suicide Diaries - No 3.

I was so fucked off with not knowing what's up with The Punchbowl Girl that I asked Hot Baby Roy what was up with her. He's having a run of luck with women so he knows about shit like this. Or is supposed to but his best advice was make her a CD of slushy love songs and tell her that you want to win her heart. That or see if The Suicide Diaries have any good love poems in it and try to pass it off as your own.

Here's the best I could find. I'm not fucking using it though.

Being In Love

Like a rare butterfly or beautiful foreign coins
you make my tackle jingle when you touch my loins.

He wrote a few more lines but scribbled them out. I guess he thought they were worse.

Ho hum.

Work is Making me a Mutherfucker

I've been all stressed out because of work. Sex with The Punchbowl Girl helps out but I'd like to get back to when I have time off wandering about Belfast having fun and doing the odd bit of shoplifting.

I was talking to Hot Firey Love Lady when her and Hot Baby Roy were sitting downstairs indulging in some pre-pseudo-incest romance food (a nice meal on the sofa watching Jo get evicted from Big Brother to the rest of you).

She was saying that she liked her work and she was being all positive about the mutherfuckers on Big Brother (I haven't really been watching it but I like the graffiti dude). I think the difference in our points of view comes from work. I like drawing a wage but the difference between me and her is that she manages a cafe, so she has a bit of authority but more than that when people come into her cafe they're there to get something they want and generally have a nice time relaxing. When people call the call centre they're calling to scream mutherfucker at me (which they often do).

It's getting so that I think people are at heart wankers, she sees people as nice because when they come into her work they're nice.

The Old Gang Back Together?

Based on Hot Baby Roy's loved up humane suggestion we had Fabian Wildman round for a few cans the other night. The conversation started boringly and stopped a wee while later. Fabian was trying to be nice about everything, starting with Hot Baby Roy's trendy girl bought new clothes down to how clean the place is now I have money for cleaning products. Hot Baby Roy kept mentioning Hot Firey Love Lady in a way that made it obvious he'd always dreamt of sitting round talking to his buddies about his girl, not in a romantic slushy way. In a casual kind of "we bought scotch eggs the other morning" type stories that have no point other than illustrating he has a girlfriend so beat that.

I tried to ask Fabian a few questions just to see how he was keeping it turns out he's living in a homeless hostel and still smoking crack but trying to give it up. He said he'd been having a smoke with Zim Van Bindle and he'd mentioned I was back smoking it. I said that I'd had a few smokes earlier in the year but that was over with and that crack and Zim Van Bindle could go and fuck themselves.

The room went silent. But we were used to it by now.

Fabian started talking about how he wanted to get Betty Blue back and how he'd seen her out in Belfast some night with some wanker (Kissy Boy by the description) and that he was going to make her his again because they were meant to be, and they were going to be again.

I wasn't too happy about hearing this but Fabian Wildman was shaking and his face was all screwed up and bitter looking. He excused himself and went up to the toilet. I thought he might be crying there but then I clocked he was smoking crack. He came down a wee while later with a big smile on his face and said he had somewhere to be. Then he wandered off out into the scruffy evening cackling like that halfwit Popeye.

Lads Night In

I yesterday when I came home I slept for a bit then I heard Hot Baby Roy in walking about the house. I went down to say hello.

"Where's Hot Firey Love Lady?" I asked him.
"She has some work stuff to catch up on," he said. "Can I borrow your laptop? I need to find a job quick."
"Has Hot Firey Love Lady seen through her modern woman delusions?"
"No, she'll pay for anything Hot Baby Roy wants."

I hate that he spoke about himself in the third person.

"But I feel cheap when she pays for everything."

It was then I noticed her was wearing brand new trendy clothes, and not just some ill-fitting charity shop stuff like me.

So far he's been juggling meal deals in places just so he can say he pays sometimes. His favourite is China China near Queens and he tried to get him and her out of there before five (because at five the price of the all you can eat buffet lunch goes up from 5 to 7 pounds).

I'm happy for Hot Baby Roy and I think Hot Firey Love Lady is having a good effect on him, or at least I did until he suggested a lads night in "like old times" and pulled out a DVD of Whip It (the directorial debut of Drew Barrymore, which features jail-bait looking Ellen Page - she's 23 but so what?)

I asked him what did Hot Firey Love Lady think of this. He said it's her DVD. This just isn't fair.

Like that old sweaty heavy metal rock and roller Rod Stewart said: "Some guys have all the luck".

Like Robbie Williams and Take That

I walked home a different way from work yesterday to avoid Fabian Wildman, when I got in the house he had already been and gone. Hot Baby Roy was there and he was saying that him and Fabian had a nice chat about stuff and that he is okay about the past.

I told him that was maybe because he was in love and that everything is a bit nicer when you're in love. He shrugged and said that he had to go soon and have a hot date with Hot Firey Love Lady.

I asked him about how he could afford all this dating and stuff and he said that Hot Firey Love Lady doesn't mind paying for everything. He must have a big wang or she must have little self esteem for that to be working.

He said that he thinks we should hang out a bit with Fabian Wildman because it could be good to get the gang back together.

"Fuck sake, it's not like it's Robbie and Take That." I told him, and he got all excited about how Robbie and the boys were gonna make some great music and that him and Hot Firey Love Lady were going to have a great time at the gig.

He talked for ages about it, the only other thing he said about Fabian before he left was that he left a bottle of stuff he'd been drinking here and it smelt of piss. If he's pissing in bottles and leaving them out on the streets for winos he's a wanker.

Positive Thinking For Work

Back in work and I'm fully charged to kick corporate ass, I'm gonna make the deals, bust the ass that needs busted for me to get that promotion I'm gonna drag the company to its knees. It's gonna knee for me.

Or some such balls, All my previous enthusiasm is gone. I spoke to Betty Blue at break and I asked her if she was calling me a stalker. She said no that she was talking about Clarence Pishflap who had went out with Sandcastles and was now stalking The Unicorn Girl. I told her that I hated Clarence Pishflap and that him and that dick Mother of Bowling Ball were going to get kickings if they tried to hit Hot Baby Roy, Betty Blue said that she remembered Hot Baby Roy and she always thought he was a bit creepy too. I told her that Hot Baby Roy had a girlfriend and they were going great and that he nice now and he was very nice to Battle Cat.


"Aw, you're wee dog," she shouted. "How's he doing these days? He was so cute."
"He great, still cute, but bigger now, still not biting people."

She laughed at that, I wanted to say something about Fabian Wildman and how he was a dick for what he did to her, but I couldn't it was too awkward over egg sandwiches.