Starting a New Job

The new job wasn't as big a shock as the last time, or not in the same way. First off Kissy Boy is in my training group and Little My is already on the floor. I'm sure there's more from the last place but the biggest shock for me was that Fabian Wildman's old girlfriend Betty Blue was there too.

We did that awkward thing like neither of us spoke to each other but we didn't give each other dirty looks it was like we were both doing that "if I pretend I don't recognise them they might pretend they don't recognise me". We'll see, if any of her mates that I've bumped into are anything to go by she hates my fucking guts by proxy. It's not fair.

Training is easy peasy and we're not in the business of riping anyone off! Yeow!

I Start Work On Monday!

I got the job. I can't believe how easy and straightforward it all was. I start Monday. There's two weeks training and then we hit the floor. The only problem is I need to wear a shirt and tie, so I'm off for a nice day's shoplifting tomorrow. Touch me!

Going Drinking With Office Peeps

So we had our last day of training today and Monday we're out on the floor robbing folk.

Not looking forward to it, especially since we have all these targets to get to for how long we spend on a call and how much we fleece people in doing so.

I'm sure I'll be balling my eyes out at some wee old lady who buys our guff over tins of cat food for her wee bald cat.

We all went out for drinks after the training, or we were supposed to, but half an hour in and one pint down we were down to just me, Rap Superstar and Little My.

Rap Superstar said that we were the three musketeers and started rapping about killing the King of France with an amazing dance.

It was embarrassing as fuck and people in the pub started sniggering and pointing. I felt so small.

He went to the toilet for a big pish and Little My (who hadn't noticed the responses) started talking about how Rap Superstar was so talented with all his rapping.

I said I thought raping would be more his sort of thing.

She didn't hear me and I caught myself on in time to not repeat it. I just downed my pint and said that I'd leave the two of them to get to know each other a bit better, I tried to give a knowing wink but I think it came off a bit sleazy. Little My gave a shy giggle and I felt a wee bit sorry for her. I hope they're hitting it off now.

Fuck Work It's The Weekend

That's it for another shite week, after next I'm in the call centre proper, so fuck that. I'm going to get pished with the last penny I have and after that I'll be thieving until the wage packet come in. Yeow!

Getting To Know My Cellmates

Now Hoors Bastard is gone I've been able to start getting to know the rest of the group.

It isn't pretty.

While they're are no Hoors Bastards they mostly seem to have problems of their own.

Only today Little My was sitting talking about how at night she also works in an off-licence. She said this like it was something to be proud of, working all the time. I was close to telling her I spent the past year sitting on my hole smoking crack but I didn't want to be the new Hoors Bastard so I just nodded and said: "that's nice."

That's starting to be my new catchphrase, there's another guy who works there and he says he's the baddest rapper in the game, he started spitting out all this shit about shooting people and rolling up the Ardone with the crips. He keeps trying to talk in rhyme. Little My thinks he's a genius. He thinks she looks like a gnome. It'll all end in tears, hopefully both of theirs.

Bye Bye Hoors Bastard and Fuck You to the Dole

Hoors Bastard started a conversation with me about music. I told him that I liked hip hop and R and B and he started all this shite about how I must be gay because Techno was the only thing that real men listened to.

I told him that he was sum craic and he had a big happy grin pasted all over his wobbly fat face all day, right up until our trainer told him he'd balled up his last test and he was out of the game.

He sat in the reception crying and told the trainer he'd get his da to come up and slap him on the bake. I'm glad to see the back of the fucker. Him and his sum craic and his happy hardcore collection. He'll need it now he's back on the dole queue. Speaking of which I went down there and asked for my £300. You see if you're on the dole for 6 months and then you get a job they'll give you £100 and the housing will give you £200 until you get your first wage. It's really a year but they're sneaky bastards about this. Anyway I had my dole cut off for two days a few months ago (long story) and because of this they say I haven't been receiving it for a whole year. Fucking bastards the lot of them. I hope Hoors Bastard turns their heads with his craic from now until they drop dead of being bastards.

Call Centres Make Me Want To Smoke Crack

November is a miserable month, I'm all trying to keep things street and at work we're being told how to fleece people. See in all the contracts there's these wee clauses (not my work one, the ones that customers sign up to) and they say that customers aren't allowed money back if they don't want our products anymore but in court they could get it back (that was a struggle). This is bullshit, we're supposed to sit and say "read the small print (and weep)" and why should we, it's not as if we get any richer by ripping them off, I'm on a fixed hourly rate that will increase every year slightly below inflation.

I didn't know half this shit until some dude in the training started spouting it out. He wasn't there by the end of the day. I wish it had of been the fat hoors bastard because he's just caught on that one of the other guys is gay and he's started making all these really bad gay jokes and when no one laughs he says "What are yous like, I'm just being some craic!" Dunno about craic, I'd prefer a bit of crack after the money comes in.

Then when someone else says something properly funny he just sits with a big grumpy face and tries to outdo them with a big sweary gay joke, whoors bastard that he is.

Tuesday Kid the Teacher - Another Lesson

The post brought me two letters, both interviews for jobs I've applied for. Both call centre shit but I can do the training and fuck off before I have to start the post.

My protege was waiting for me in Stranmillis today. I was glad to see him because I was eager to undo any damage meeting Hot Baby Roy might have done. I shouldn't have been worried.

"That guy was a wanker," my Protege said.

"He can be okay," I said, "try not to become like him."

"I won't I've got you teaching me how to be the coolest," he said (thereabouts). "Last night I was getting pished with my mates and we kicked fuck out of someone. Just some dick who was walking around minding his own business."

I hit him a boot up the hole.

"What the fuck was that for?" he said.

I dug him in the guts.

"There, you don't like getting beat up for fuck all," I said. "Neither did he, that's today's lesson."

"We gave him a worse kicking than that," he said.

Then I put him in a head lock and gave him a duck egg. He ran away crying.