Rescuing Fabian Wildman from the Amazon Porn Army

Nanny Boo Boo phoned me in a wile state earlier. It was horrible, she was saying she had a phonecall from Fabian Wildman and he was in a wile state, she thought he'd been smoking that horrible crack and he said he was chained to a radiator in the house of some guy called Vandle van Bundle.

"Do you mean Zim Van Bindle?" I asked.

"That's it," she sobbed down the phone.

There's nothing to spur you into action like an old woman crying. I forgot all about not being so keen on Fabian Wildman and his piss drinking ways anymore. I pulled on my coat and told Nanny Boo Boo I'd be back with a safe Fabian in no time.

I hoped on a bus (or two, maybe two) and in no time I was at Zim Van Bindle's house. I knocked on the door and when no one answered I braced myself to kick it down king kong kung-fu style. I was worried and thought that maybe a snarling horny Battle Cat could have won the day for me. I gave the door a final knock out of politeness and some sketchy man with black eyes answered the door. I pushed past him into the living room where Zim Van Bindle was sitting watch a DVD of Barb Wire surrounded by some she-ras.

"Where's Fabian Wildman?" I shouted.

"He's in the bathroom, he's going to test out the amazon warriors for me," Zim Van Bindle said. "I have to know that they can do this."

He pointed at the TV screen where this was happening:



"Fuck that," I said heading for the stairs.

"I went upstairs where Fabian Wildman was quivering below the sink with a load of other soon to be pulp guys. I did a macho thing and kicked the sink off the wall and screamed "Girl Power" the guys all ran off screaming.

Fabian Wildman and me escaped out of the window because we knew that the She-Ra's would destroy all the wimpy men running down the stairs. That plus Fabian Wildman owed Zim Van Bindle lots for weeks of crack he'd let him smoke.

Fabian is now sleeping on my couch. Hopefully he's learnt his lesson. I'm still not sure how I feel about everything but I'm glad that Zim Van Bindle's amazon army didn't fuck him up. Nanny Boo Boo was so pleased when I called her, she said that I should bring Battle Cat down for a big bowl of rotten sausages and me and Fabian Wildman down for wine.

Tough Talking

I took Battle Cat down to see Nanny Boo Boo the other day and she hit me a clash on the mouth and said that her nephew had read on my blog that I'd been smoking crack again.

Most people I know that read my blog either don't know it's me or don't mention it but Nanny Boo Boo was saying that this ZIm Van Bindle character sounds like a complete fuck up and that his brain probably crawled out his ear one night and ran the fuck away.

Nanny Boo Boo said that I had my wee pup to think about and that how could I let a fuck up like Hot Baby Roy get dates with one of the girls next door and I couldn't get any. It was a right dressing down (not literally).

She said that I should cut out the crack, get a job, get my hair cut and buy some shoes that don't have holes in them. She said I looked like a tramp but she knew I could do better.

I told her it hurt my feelings and she said that if she thought I couldn't fix these things she wouldn't say them to me. She'd just not answer the door when I came to visit. But she knew I was a good lad with a lot of potential I just shouldn't waste it sitting round at a crackhead's house listening to him talk shite about Amazon armies and rainbow igloos. It sounds like some shite a child would scribble on a page and force it's worried, embarrased parent to stick on the fridge.