When Ex-Girlfriend's Get Married

Fabian Wildman called round today. He was in a bad way. He was crying and his eyes were all bloodshot from smoking loads of crack. I couldn't make sense of him at first so I let him sleep it off on my couch.

When he came round I took him out into the garden with cups of tea to find out what was up. I thought it was going to be some crackhead weird stuff but he said that Betty Blue was home from Uni and he ran into her. I thought it was going to be a story of them rekindling their old romance (all thanks to the litres of spunk Fabian rubs into his hair) but he said that she told him she was getting married to some guy called Kiss Man.

I asked if he meant Kissy Boy, and he said that was his old name but now he calls himself Kiss Man, or if he doesn't like you, Mr Kiss. Fabian started crying and saying that how come it's always his exes and never him who gets married? I asked what other exes of his were married and he said some girl before he knew me. She wasn't just some girl, their break-up was what started him on crack, or maybe him started crack was what caused the break-up, he wasn't sure. He remembers it different ways depending on what suits, he said.

He said at the wedding he sat outside the church on a motorcycle smoking tobacco cigarettes and playing this song on a ghetto blaster



Except that it wasn't him who made the stupid mistake it was her for leaving him.

He sat crying on his motorcycle throughout the service and when the bride and groom came out at the end everyone threw confetti at them, except him, he flicked a fag butt at them and sped off into the sunset, with the song still playing.

He said he was going to do it again when Betty Blue marries Kiss Man because he's so unhappy about it and he won't stop there, he'll get a job as a waiter at the reception and trash fuck out of the place before anyone even gets there and he'll hide inside the crack and jump out of it at the fuckers and headbutt Kiss Man right in the fucking face just so Betty Blue has to look at an ugly bastard all her married life.

Spring Cleaning in Winter

I started cleaning out the spare room today. Now Fabien's a proper housemate he needs a proper room. The spare room is full of a lot of junk that I bought and intended to use but never did.

There's a glockenspiel, an unassembled pool table, a surfboard, a dead body in a suitcase (that smells a bit), a load of tobacco that I found at the dump that I started making into fags to sell (but a visit from some local lads put a stop to that if you know what I mean) and a kareoke machine for fun nights in (that had never been used).

One of the things on that list is a lie by the way.

I wasn't the only one in the mood for sorting stuff out round the house. Today saw (or heard) the second rare outburst from Mr Spoon in as many days. I was lying on the sofa hazy from crack when I heard him banging on the wall. I wondered what he was at but the regular thumping sounded like he was putting up shelves.

Suddenly there was a crash and the sound of something heavy falling on and smashing something ornamental (like a china vase).

"AW FOR FLIP SAKE!" he shouted.

Such a nice polite man, even when he's not in the mood.