Those of you who've been reading my blog for a while will know that I occasionally like to boast that I've never been caught shoplifting. This is no longer true. Today I was caught red-handed in Dunnes Stores on the Ormeau Road of all places.
Recently I've been getting a bit smug about my shoplifting, even going as far as to announce on this blog that I was going shoplifting in HMV before I went. This is called hubris.
Today I finally met my Hubris, it wasn't some security guard hyped up on steroids and a lack of recent paramilitary activity, not was it a crafty store detective with his ear to the street.
It was a wee middle aged shelf stacker who was supposed to be watching where her Custard Creme's.
One of my favourite tricks is when I weigh my fruit and veg that I set it on the scales and hold it up so that only a little of the weight registers. I've been known to get a nice big bunch of bananas for only twenty P.
Only today feeling like I was master theif I smuggly forgot to check who was watching and this nasty wee trout saw everything.
I was stopped at the till and my bananas, onions and carrots re-weighed.
"We're not going to call security this time," the till operator smuggly said. (A mouthy bitch with short reddish hair and glasses - fuck you too love).
"You're scales must be faulty," I shrugged.
"They're not faulty," she spat in disgust. "The girls who work here aren't stupid."
"That's why they're stacking shelves in Dunnes," I shrugged holding out the wrists, daring them to cuff me. "Arrest me or Party Down and Go Fuck Yourselves."
Then I walked free, letting them keep their fucking bananas and I kept my criminal record clean, which is good because when overpopulation gets out of control the first people who will be gotten rid of will be the crims, even before the old crumblies.
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Tuesday, 30 March 2010
Fuck Sainsbury's at Forestside
Last night sitting in in the miserable rain and Hot Baby Roy off out for Hot Baby Roy time I needed something to cheer me up.
I'd spent most of the day at the dole getting my money sorted out, the useless bastard hadn't put it through the system so I had to sit in the waiting room to get a cheque. Everyone there looked like they were waiting for Jeremy Kyle to call and offer them that one shot at stardom he so kindly offers everyone, (even his own wife).
I was pissed off. I'd seen that cute girl in the rain but it wasn't enough. I sat around thinking that I was like some kind of stalker and that maybe if she knew I'd blogged about her I'd seem like on of those pricks who blogs about his top ten anime babes OF ALL TIME!! (even though it's only been around since the 60s).
Sitting on the couch I hit upon the idea of going to Sainsbury's at Forestside to do some late night shopping. It's always cool to go there in the middle of the night, everyone else is in bed asleep but I'm up getting sustenance.
So off I popped in a taxi only to be stopped by a big metal barrier at Forestside, Sainsbury's don't open 24 hour anymore! Fuck them! I wasted nearly a tenner on my fare there and back, I'll fucking go on the rob in there someday and get my money's worth. Watch out Sainsbury's! When I leave your store next time you will have two holes!
I'd spent most of the day at the dole getting my money sorted out, the useless bastard hadn't put it through the system so I had to sit in the waiting room to get a cheque. Everyone there looked like they were waiting for Jeremy Kyle to call and offer them that one shot at stardom he so kindly offers everyone, (even his own wife).
I was pissed off. I'd seen that cute girl in the rain but it wasn't enough. I sat around thinking that I was like some kind of stalker and that maybe if she knew I'd blogged about her I'd seem like on of those pricks who blogs about his top ten anime babes OF ALL TIME!! (even though it's only been around since the 60s).
Sitting on the couch I hit upon the idea of going to Sainsbury's at Forestside to do some late night shopping. It's always cool to go there in the middle of the night, everyone else is in bed asleep but I'm up getting sustenance.
So off I popped in a taxi only to be stopped by a big metal barrier at Forestside, Sainsbury's don't open 24 hour anymore! Fuck them! I wasted nearly a tenner on my fare there and back, I'll fucking go on the rob in there someday and get my money's worth. Watch out Sainsbury's! When I leave your store next time you will have two holes!
Monday, 29 March 2010
Shitty Weather Makes Some People Happy
Today as I was walking down through Botanic Avenue in the shitty weather I saw a pretty girl walking along with an umberella, she was telling the big guy with her about how as a kid she used to want to always wear her wellies and umberella even when it wasn't raining. And that her parents wouldn't let her unless it rained so she always hoped she'd wake up in the morning and find it was rainy.
It made me feel good that sometimes there are things you don't like and don't want but that some people look forward to them, not because they piss you off but because they like them, and that the fact they like them shows that there is something good about them and you can at least learn to tollerate them.
I'd like to meet some people on the dole who like it, just in case some of their good cheer can rub off on me, because I think I need it.
I also think some of you who read my blog in shitty office blocks might appreciate the tetris widget I put on the side.
It made me feel good that sometimes there are things you don't like and don't want but that some people look forward to them, not because they piss you off but because they like them, and that the fact they like them shows that there is something good about them and you can at least learn to tollerate them.
I'd like to meet some people on the dole who like it, just in case some of their good cheer can rub off on me, because I think I need it.
I also think some of you who read my blog in shitty office blocks might appreciate the tetris widget I put on the side.
Saturday, 27 March 2010
A Night in the House Skint
My dole isn't in my bank, and I haven't spent it either. That useless 70s Crimewatch Photofit Suspect has fucked up the payment. I had to borrow money from Hot Baby Roy which is a bit embarrasing because I let him stay at mine rent free. I know the dole pays the rent for me but still.
Hot Baby Roy was off out last night, he didn't say where but it left me and Battle Cat sitting in the house with fuck all to do but rewatch crappy teen romance movies (which Battle Cat hates - he growls everytime Zac Efron or some suck dick comes on screen and he barked the house down when Hot Baby Roy stuck on some Hannah Montana).
Our DVD collection is pish, I've seen all my movies tons of times and I can't bring myself to watch some of the really suspect stuff Hot Baby Roy owns (The Olsens in New York Minute).
I'd really like to watch a movie about proper adults doing adult things, I don't care if it's a comedy, drama, thriller whatever, just as long as it doesn't involve some asshole at "high school" totally bugging out dude over some fuckface they're totally like into and stuff. In the end I just went online and searched for jobs, not even the kiss-a-gram one is still there, it's all badly paid shit in the arse end of no where. Anytime I see something like a shop job that I think might be easy enough it turns out to be part time or casual. What the fuck is casual? That can mean 0 hours per week. Who the fuck wants that?
I want a job that allows me to buy some new DVDs because I can see my unemployed status as a cyclical thing.
Anyone recommend some good films I might be able to shoplift out of HMV?
That's right HMV I'm coming your way, and you won't catch me.
I sat and searched for jobs online, there was
Hot Baby Roy was off out last night, he didn't say where but it left me and Battle Cat sitting in the house with fuck all to do but rewatch crappy teen romance movies (which Battle Cat hates - he growls everytime Zac Efron or some suck dick comes on screen and he barked the house down when Hot Baby Roy stuck on some Hannah Montana).
Our DVD collection is pish, I've seen all my movies tons of times and I can't bring myself to watch some of the really suspect stuff Hot Baby Roy owns (The Olsens in New York Minute).
I'd really like to watch a movie about proper adults doing adult things, I don't care if it's a comedy, drama, thriller whatever, just as long as it doesn't involve some asshole at "high school" totally bugging out dude over some fuckface they're totally like into and stuff. In the end I just went online and searched for jobs, not even the kiss-a-gram one is still there, it's all badly paid shit in the arse end of no where. Anytime I see something like a shop job that I think might be easy enough it turns out to be part time or casual. What the fuck is casual? That can mean 0 hours per week. Who the fuck wants that?
I want a job that allows me to buy some new DVDs because I can see my unemployed status as a cyclical thing.
Anyone recommend some good films I might be able to shoplift out of HMV?
That's right HMV I'm coming your way, and you won't catch me.
I sat and searched for jobs online, there was
Thursday, 25 March 2010
Rock and Roll Stephen is Back in Action
Last night I took Hot Baby Roll on a pink champaigne swigging adventure down by the Lagan Meadows. We bumped into Rock and Roll Stephen, Clarence Pishflap, The Unicorn Girl and the girl that Rock and Roll Stephen was trying to steal from another man.
The Unicorn Girl immediately told Clarence Pishflap about my making her cry the last time we saw each other. Clarence looked warily at me like he knew any foolish act of heroism could blow the Clarence The Protector ruse he's been casting for weeks.
"I hurt my arm lifting weights today," he said, rubbing his arm. The left soon after. Clarence looked back at me resentfully and drew a finger across his throat. I flexed my bicep at him in the manner Avril Lavigne used to in the early stages of her punk rock career, only mine were much bigger and dangerous.
Once they were away Hot Baby Roy pulled me to the side and asked if I'd help beat up Rock and Roll Stephen. I told him that I didn't want to hit Rock and Roll Stephen. Hot Baby Roy said it was okay he didn't need to win he just needed to fuck up his face.
Back at the bench Rock and Roll Stephen had his new teeth out in some style and was making up for gummy months by giving it all that about how into feminism he was and was rhyming off this big long swab of bullshit he'd no doubt prepared for this moment.
Here's how it went:
"Feminists, man. I sometimes feel embarrased being a man because we can be so shit to girls, women, I mean women. But we're not the only ones I mean women don't know how far ahead they are sometimes. I mean take Marilyn Monroe, a lot of women see her as a ditsy blonde, a bad role model for other women but still there were pictures of her published while she was still alive that show her reading James Joyce's Ulysees and weightlifting."
Hot Baby Roy rubbed his groin. "Power and brains," he breathed.
"But me," continued Rock and Roll Stephen. "I respect women, I respect you."
Then he leaned in for the kiss but the girl was having none of it. She hit him a slap and stormed off.
"What can I say?" said Rock and Roll Stephen. "It must just be my reputation. I have a reputation for breaking hearts. But I'm trying to change."
Some guy came up to us then and asked who was Rock and Roll Stephen. Rock and Roll Stephen meekly held up a finger in fear. The guy punched him in the side of the jaw and walked off.
When Rock and Roll Stephen opened his mouth next his shiney new teeth came crumbling out and he fled in tears.
Rock and Roll Stephen last night
The Unicorn Girl immediately told Clarence Pishflap about my making her cry the last time we saw each other. Clarence looked warily at me like he knew any foolish act of heroism could blow the Clarence The Protector ruse he's been casting for weeks.
"I hurt my arm lifting weights today," he said, rubbing his arm. The left soon after. Clarence looked back at me resentfully and drew a finger across his throat. I flexed my bicep at him in the manner Avril Lavigne used to in the early stages of her punk rock career, only mine were much bigger and dangerous.
Once they were away Hot Baby Roy pulled me to the side and asked if I'd help beat up Rock and Roll Stephen. I told him that I didn't want to hit Rock and Roll Stephen. Hot Baby Roy said it was okay he didn't need to win he just needed to fuck up his face.
Back at the bench Rock and Roll Stephen had his new teeth out in some style and was making up for gummy months by giving it all that about how into feminism he was and was rhyming off this big long swab of bullshit he'd no doubt prepared for this moment.
Here's how it went:
"Feminists, man. I sometimes feel embarrased being a man because we can be so shit to girls, women, I mean women. But we're not the only ones I mean women don't know how far ahead they are sometimes. I mean take Marilyn Monroe, a lot of women see her as a ditsy blonde, a bad role model for other women but still there were pictures of her published while she was still alive that show her reading James Joyce's Ulysees and weightlifting."
Hot Baby Roy rubbed his groin. "Power and brains," he breathed.
"But me," continued Rock and Roll Stephen. "I respect women, I respect you."
Then he leaned in for the kiss but the girl was having none of it. She hit him a slap and stormed off.
"What can I say?" said Rock and Roll Stephen. "It must just be my reputation. I have a reputation for breaking hearts. But I'm trying to change."
Some guy came up to us then and asked who was Rock and Roll Stephen. Rock and Roll Stephen meekly held up a finger in fear. The guy punched him in the side of the jaw and walked off.
When Rock and Roll Stephen opened his mouth next his shiney new teeth came crumbling out and he fled in tears.
Tuesday, 23 March 2010
70's Crimewatch Photofit Suspect
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Dole today was lots and lots of fun. Because we're all so fucking unemployed and destined to stay that way the fuckers behind the desk at the Connor Building were all smugging it up big style.
I've mentioned that The Albino and Mrs Puddinghead are particularly bad to get but another one who can be bad depending on whether or not he realises where he is is The 70's Crimewatch Photofit Suspect.
He sits and gives monosyllabic grunts and eventually comes to his senses with a start and gets you to sign for your cash.
Sometimes he sits and deep breathes at his desk as he stares at your shoulder and then disappears in the office for twenty minutes.
He came back and asked me who I was. I told him and he lifted my signing book off the desk in front of him and said - You've the same name as this guy.
"No, that's me." I said.
He handed me back my book and gave me a smile that nearly begged me to please like him. I didn't and still don't now over 10 hours later.
He'd better have put my claim though properly. Otherwise I might be asking the police to let me see some photofits from 40 years ago. I'm sure I could stitch him up even if none fit.
Dole today was lots and lots of fun. Because we're all so fucking unemployed and destined to stay that way the fuckers behind the desk at the Connor Building were all smugging it up big style.
I've mentioned that The Albino and Mrs Puddinghead are particularly bad to get but another one who can be bad depending on whether or not he realises where he is is The 70's Crimewatch Photofit Suspect.
He sits and gives monosyllabic grunts and eventually comes to his senses with a start and gets you to sign for your cash.
Sometimes he sits and deep breathes at his desk as he stares at your shoulder and then disappears in the office for twenty minutes.
He came back and asked me who I was. I told him and he lifted my signing book off the desk in front of him and said - You've the same name as this guy.
"No, that's me." I said.
He handed me back my book and gave me a smile that nearly begged me to please like him. I didn't and still don't now over 10 hours later.
He'd better have put my claim though properly. Otherwise I might be asking the police to let me see some photofits from 40 years ago. I'm sure I could stitch him up even if none fit.
Friday, 19 March 2010
Anyone Lose a Mix-CD?
Out walking Battle Cat today I came across a CD lying on the ground. It had a wee message wrote on it, so I took it home and tried to play it. I'm enjoying some (most) of the tracks now. Here's a track by track account from what I've been able to track down of the songs:
Tracks 1:
For some shitty reason this only played the first few bars and skipped like an eight year old who can salt, vinegar, mustard, pepper better than anyone else in her school.
Track 2: Fearful - Rancid and The Specials
Track 3: Swim Until You Can't See Land - Frightened Rabbit
Track 4: Super Trooper - Camera Obscura
Track 5: Cosmia - Joanna Newsom
Track 6: Night Falls Like a Grand Piano - The 6ths
Track 7: Taken By Trees - My Boys
Track 8: Cool It Down - The Velvet Underground
Track 9: I don't know what this is. It has this really cool bit in the middle where the girls voice goes all high pitched like a cat. It has something about It's too soon.
Track 10: Don't know this either. It's accoustic and slow and about getting tickets for the band. There's something in it about paint it black by the rolling stones.
Track 11: City and Colour - Off By Heart
Track 12: This is an instrumental, slow, kind of waltzy. Pretty cool.
Track 13: This is some slow jazzy tune with an accoustic guitar and a trumpet. Pretty cool too.
My guess it this CD was made by some wee lad for some girl he was totally crushing on. I hope she didn't throw it here after laughing at it with her friends.
If anyone reading this has lost it then you can have it back if you tell me what was written on it. Also if anyone can tell me the name of the other tracks that's be cool.
Tracks 1:
For some shitty reason this only played the first few bars and skipped like an eight year old who can salt, vinegar, mustard, pepper better than anyone else in her school.
Track 2: Fearful - Rancid and The Specials
Track 3: Swim Until You Can't See Land - Frightened Rabbit
Track 4: Super Trooper - Camera Obscura
Track 5: Cosmia - Joanna Newsom
Track 6: Night Falls Like a Grand Piano - The 6ths
Track 7: Taken By Trees - My Boys
Track 8: Cool It Down - The Velvet Underground
Track 9: I don't know what this is. It has this really cool bit in the middle where the girls voice goes all high pitched like a cat. It has something about It's too soon.
Track 10: Don't know this either. It's accoustic and slow and about getting tickets for the band. There's something in it about paint it black by the rolling stones.
Track 11: City and Colour - Off By Heart
Track 12: This is an instrumental, slow, kind of waltzy. Pretty cool.
Track 13: This is some slow jazzy tune with an accoustic guitar and a trumpet. Pretty cool too.
My guess it this CD was made by some wee lad for some girl he was totally crushing on. I hope she didn't throw it here after laughing at it with her friends.
If anyone reading this has lost it then you can have it back if you tell me what was written on it. Also if anyone can tell me the name of the other tracks that's be cool.
Thursday, 18 March 2010
The Pain of Being Lonely
Last night wandering the streets searching for fun, and no violent encounters, Hot Baby Roy and me were swigging from the old bottle of Bushmills. He was sheepishly talking himself into enjoying the night out and the whiskey helped.
"I suppose we're the last of the Irish Rovers?" he said, then it was my turn to stare embarrased at something else.
"No, the Irish Rover was a ship, not cool guys on the town."
"Fuck this, I'm just not cut out for Feniandom," he said half turning to go home.
"Come on Hot Baby Roy, we're going to get laid."
"Why tonight? Of all nights? Why will this night be any different from the rest of my life," he started screaming.
I didn't want to push it so I told him we could go home. He calmed down a bit by the time we reached our street, where we bumped into Rock and Roll Stephen and The Indie Kid, they told us that they were heading to a cool party with lots of Rock and Roll. Rock and Roll Stephen was all happy because he was saying that he was getting new teeth tomorrow. He had to wait because tonight they might get punched in because he was trying to steal another guy's girl.
Hot Baby Roy's ears pricked up at this and he asked Rock and Roll Stephen how to get a sweetheart for himself.
Rock and Roll Stephen laughed and said if you watch me you'll learn.
Hot Baby Roy started to cry. We made our excuses and went in the house. When Hot Baby Roy stopped crying he said that he's going to break Rock and Roll Stephen's new teeth when they're in for laughing at Hot Baby Roy's loveless, fuckless life.
I'll help.
"I suppose we're the last of the Irish Rovers?" he said, then it was my turn to stare embarrased at something else.
"No, the Irish Rover was a ship, not cool guys on the town."
"Fuck this, I'm just not cut out for Feniandom," he said half turning to go home.
"Come on Hot Baby Roy, we're going to get laid."
"Why tonight? Of all nights? Why will this night be any different from the rest of my life," he started screaming.
I didn't want to push it so I told him we could go home. He calmed down a bit by the time we reached our street, where we bumped into Rock and Roll Stephen and The Indie Kid, they told us that they were heading to a cool party with lots of Rock and Roll. Rock and Roll Stephen was all happy because he was saying that he was getting new teeth tomorrow. He had to wait because tonight they might get punched in because he was trying to steal another guy's girl.
Hot Baby Roy's ears pricked up at this and he asked Rock and Roll Stephen how to get a sweetheart for himself.
Rock and Roll Stephen laughed and said if you watch me you'll learn.
Hot Baby Roy started to cry. We made our excuses and went in the house. When Hot Baby Roy stopped crying he said that he's going to break Rock and Roll Stephen's new teeth when they're in for laughing at Hot Baby Roy's loveless, fuckless life.
I'll help.
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
St Patrick's Day in Belfast
Hot Baby Roy was sitting going red with anger on the sofa today and I could tell it was because of St Patrick's day.
He said he hated all the Irish Music. I told him it was basically the same songs he listened to on the 12th of July. He started cursing and getting really angry until I told him he should come out with me because last St Patrick's day I got my hole with this naive American girl who booked a holiday in Belfast thinking it was what the protestants called Dublin.
He soon changed his tune and was all skeedle hoing it around the house shouting about how we were off to fuck naive American girls.
I said that I wanted this too, but they were thin on the ground so he wasn't to be disapointed.
He sulked a bit then, but he cheered up a bit and said we hadn't had a night out in ages, so he was going to enjoy Belfast craic with his pal Tuesday Kid.
I'd believe him if I didn't know that he was going to come home and trash the place if he doesn't get his hole like I did (and will again tonight!)
He said he hated all the Irish Music. I told him it was basically the same songs he listened to on the 12th of July. He started cursing and getting really angry until I told him he should come out with me because last St Patrick's day I got my hole with this naive American girl who booked a holiday in Belfast thinking it was what the protestants called Dublin.
He soon changed his tune and was all skeedle hoing it around the house shouting about how we were off to fuck naive American girls.
I said that I wanted this too, but they were thin on the ground so he wasn't to be disapointed.
He sulked a bit then, but he cheered up a bit and said we hadn't had a night out in ages, so he was going to enjoy Belfast craic with his pal Tuesday Kid.
I'd believe him if I didn't know that he was going to come home and trash the place if he doesn't get his hole like I did (and will again tonight!)
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
My Dreams are Crushed Like Rose Petals in an Alligators Mouth - An Old Chinese Saying (balls)
Today I signed on and I was well sneaky. I didn't tell them about my job interview because if I get the job then I'll keep signing on for an extra month, just so they get fucked in the cash.
I'm making big plans for myself and what I'll do when I get mullah. It'll be barbeques and pink champainge every day and hopefully wet tee-shirt contests in my back yard.
That's what I was thinking all the way to my interview. It was pure balls. It's only for a pish wee shop but I was talked to like this was kay-mart or some such shit. It wore me down. I was told all about their current coffee and newspaper promo and an upcoming Pot Noodle one they were very excited about that was sure to crush the enemy or at the very least bring them to their knees. He screwed his face up like he was wringing out a teatowel as he said it.
I told him that I was a big capitalist and I had plans to make this shop into the money making machine I had dreamed about since I was a little boy.
They thought I was taking the piss and asked me to leave. I asked the guy how he could talk the shite he did and not take me seriously.
He told me I was barred. I told him I'd grow a moustache and come back in here on the rob. I'd steal everything in the shop, even the mouldy bread they try to flog to begging tramps. I was getting quite carried away but I left weeping like Ben Affleck crying over his tattered name.
Then I went with a bottle of pink champainge down to the Lagan Meadows and sat at the mouth of it crying away.
Rock and Roll Stephen was there with The Unicorn Girl. I was in floods of tears saying that I was destined to stay on the dole all my life and become a theiving bastard like that rotten bastard Gerard Taggart.
Rock and Roll Stephen said that being on the dole was rock and roll and that I should be proud.
I told him I didn't want to be rock and roll, I wanted money.
The Unicorn Girl said that I was shallow and materialistic and I told her that she only thought like that because she was probably some wee rich girl from the Malone Road.
She started to cry and I felt bad. But not bad enough to comfort her. I sat and drank my drink as she cried and Rock and Roll Stephen tried to say the letter F with no teeth.
I'm making big plans for myself and what I'll do when I get mullah. It'll be barbeques and pink champainge every day and hopefully wet tee-shirt contests in my back yard.
That's what I was thinking all the way to my interview. It was pure balls. It's only for a pish wee shop but I was talked to like this was kay-mart or some such shit. It wore me down. I was told all about their current coffee and newspaper promo and an upcoming Pot Noodle one they were very excited about that was sure to crush the enemy or at the very least bring them to their knees. He screwed his face up like he was wringing out a teatowel as he said it.
I told him that I was a big capitalist and I had plans to make this shop into the money making machine I had dreamed about since I was a little boy.
They thought I was taking the piss and asked me to leave. I asked the guy how he could talk the shite he did and not take me seriously.
He told me I was barred. I told him I'd grow a moustache and come back in here on the rob. I'd steal everything in the shop, even the mouldy bread they try to flog to begging tramps. I was getting quite carried away but I left weeping like Ben Affleck crying over his tattered name.
Then I went with a bottle of pink champainge down to the Lagan Meadows and sat at the mouth of it crying away.
Rock and Roll Stephen was there with The Unicorn Girl. I was in floods of tears saying that I was destined to stay on the dole all my life and become a theiving bastard like that rotten bastard Gerard Taggart.
Rock and Roll Stephen said that being on the dole was rock and roll and that I should be proud.
I told him I didn't want to be rock and roll, I wanted money.
The Unicorn Girl said that I was shallow and materialistic and I told her that she only thought like that because she was probably some wee rich girl from the Malone Road.
She started to cry and I felt bad. But not bad enough to comfort her. I sat and drank my drink as she cried and Rock and Roll Stephen tried to say the letter F with no teeth.
Sunday, 14 March 2010
Spring is Here, Winter can Party Down and Go Fuck Itself (see what I did there?)
Even though it was raining when I went out earlier there's something definitely Spring about Belfast. It's just moving into a milder time of year. The breeze isn't nippy, it's melancholy. And people don't have big miserable twisted faces on them anymore when they have to go outside.
With that in mind, this is the song that's making me feel like the winter's over. I heard it an ad the other day, so I'm glad to have tracked it down:
I also had a letter in yesterday saying I'd an interview for a shop this week. Cross your fingers for me, but have a dance first.
With that in mind, this is the song that's making me feel like the winter's over. I heard it an ad the other day, so I'm glad to have tracked it down:
I also had a letter in yesterday saying I'd an interview for a shop this week. Cross your fingers for me, but have a dance first.
Saturday, 13 March 2010
St Elmo's Fire
With working and that I'd grown almost used to Hot Baby Roy's collection of sleazy teen movie DVDs. Watching the Corey Haim films the other night gave me a taste for more.
Hot Baby Roy stuck on another 80s classic - St. Elmo's Fire.
St Elmo's fire was like the biggest collection of dickhead's sucking. It was like a prequel to Lemon Party. The worst one was the wee wanker out of Manequin. He played a writer who fancied his mate's girlfriend and he was always walking around asking people about the meaning of life. Like, fucking deep or something.
Hot Baby Roy seemed to think so and he cried at the part where the wanker with the sax took the geeky girl's virginity as a bye-bye present. I mean for fuck sake. I thought he was cool, or at least entertaining company but no. He's weepy and looking for a sweetheart of his own.
He's even talking about how he wants to give kickings to highschool kids he see's out walking with their girlfriends, just because he never had a girlfriend at high school. He'd do it too, if he thought he could do it without getting his balls kicked like rugby balls by all the wee Methody jocks.
Anyway if you haven't seen St. Elmo's Fire he's a self-consciously cool Swedish pop band doing a cover. It matches the self-conscious cool of the film's characters, actors, makers, wankers:
Hot Baby Roy stuck on another 80s classic - St. Elmo's Fire.
St Elmo's fire was like the biggest collection of dickhead's sucking. It was like a prequel to Lemon Party. The worst one was the wee wanker out of Manequin. He played a writer who fancied his mate's girlfriend and he was always walking around asking people about the meaning of life. Like, fucking deep or something.
Hot Baby Roy seemed to think so and he cried at the part where the wanker with the sax took the geeky girl's virginity as a bye-bye present. I mean for fuck sake. I thought he was cool, or at least entertaining company but no. He's weepy and looking for a sweetheart of his own.
He's even talking about how he wants to give kickings to highschool kids he see's out walking with their girlfriends, just because he never had a girlfriend at high school. He'd do it too, if he thought he could do it without getting his balls kicked like rugby balls by all the wee Methody jocks.
Anyway if you haven't seen St. Elmo's Fire he's a self-consciously cool Swedish pop band doing a cover. It matches the self-conscious cool of the film's characters, actors, makers, wankers:
Friday, 12 March 2010
Back to the Dole
Yesterday I walked back into the Connor Building on Great Victoria St to claim my dole. I fought back tears as I took a ticket and sat down waiting to be called.
Just to kick me in the balls, I ended up getting seen to by Mrs. Puddinghead. She almost salivated to see me back. She gave me my old signing day of Tuesday, to be half nice but she snorted a few times as she made shitty remarks about me being there for the long haul because there was no jobs.
She mustened have realised she was doing it because when I snorted back at her she leapt up and shouted:
"Are you calling me a pig? Do my feet have little trotters?"
I snorted again and tried to stop a tear trickling down my cheek, this was my moment, my perfect moment, just like Martine McCutcheon.
I left the dole office as miserable as Martine's pish song about Tiffany and Grant and what could have been. What could have been?
If this is too pish hear some better music by tuning in to Queen's Radio tonight for Rowan Hudson's show.
Just to kick me in the balls, I ended up getting seen to by Mrs. Puddinghead. She almost salivated to see me back. She gave me my old signing day of Tuesday, to be half nice but she snorted a few times as she made shitty remarks about me being there for the long haul because there was no jobs.
She mustened have realised she was doing it because when I snorted back at her she leapt up and shouted:
"Are you calling me a pig? Do my feet have little trotters?"
I snorted again and tried to stop a tear trickling down my cheek, this was my moment, my perfect moment, just like Martine McCutcheon.
I left the dole office as miserable as Martine's pish song about Tiffany and Grant and what could have been. What could have been?
If this is too pish hear some better music by tuning in to Queen's Radio tonight for Rowan Hudson's show.
Thursday, 11 March 2010
Corey Haim is Dead
Hot Baby Roy was sitting crying on the couch this morning about Corey Haim. I was shocked (at the death) and surprised (at Hot Baby Roy).
"I thought you only liked those movies for the girls." I said. It was a bad thing to say but I was still half asleep.
"How dare you," he screamed. "I love teen high school movies for all the players."
Then he told me we were going to watch Lucas tonight and I'd see what a star Corey Haim was.
I told him I'd prefer to watch The Lost Boys if he had it.
He nodded and said:
"Yeah, we'll watch it for sure. The other Corey is in it. It'll remind us we still have one Corey left."
I'm looking forward to it, but only because of the pop corn. I'm such a cold bastard these days. Then off I fucked for a morning at the dole.
"I thought you only liked those movies for the girls." I said. It was a bad thing to say but I was still half asleep.
"How dare you," he screamed. "I love teen high school movies for all the players."
Then he told me we were going to watch Lucas tonight and I'd see what a star Corey Haim was.
I told him I'd prefer to watch The Lost Boys if he had it.
He nodded and said:
"Yeah, we'll watch it for sure. The other Corey is in it. It'll remind us we still have one Corey left."
I'm looking forward to it, but only because of the pop corn. I'm such a cold bastard these days. Then off I fucked for a morning at the dole.
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
Unicorns Aren't Extinct Yet
I went down the Lagan Meadows last night with a bottle of pink champaigne. The optimism of Spring didn't last it seems.
There were some people sitting at the mouth of the meadows all having a laugh. I was feeling jealous until I heard my name shouted.
I went over and it was Rock and Roll Stephen, The Indie Kid, Clarence Pishflap and The Unicorn Girl.
The Indie Kid was saying that he was trying to get Rock and Roll Stephen back into singing because he'd written more songs about The Smoker and they needed to be sung.
"About that," I said to The Indie Kid. "I don't like you writing songs about me."
"They're not about you," he said. "They're about Fabian Wildman."
"How the fuck are they about Fabian Wildman?" I said.
He didn't get a chance to reply because The Unicorn Girl sat bolt upright and started offloading about what a bastard Fabian Wildman had been when he was living with her and her mates. He started smoking crack and tried it on with loads of girls behind Betty Blue and broke poor Betty Blue's heart, and that I was a bastard by proxy.
I told her that I hadn't seen Fabian Wildman in months and that I liked Betty Blue and I felt bad about what he did, and for some reason I found myself half defending him. I told her that he goes through phases where he fucks everything up but that he helped me give up crack and I'll always thank him for it.
She kept on saying he was a bastard and I told her that Betty Blue used to take me clothes shopping in the second hands and that I hoped she was doing okay even though Fabian Wildman had been a fucker to her.
Clarence Pishflap who'd been strangely silent up til that point said that I was upsetting The Unicorn Girl and that him and her were going to go.
The Unicorn Girl said she was sitting where she was.
Rock and Roll Stephen broke the tension by asking me if I knew anything about how to get false teeth. The Unicorn Girl didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening but it's progress of sorts.
There were some people sitting at the mouth of the meadows all having a laugh. I was feeling jealous until I heard my name shouted.
I went over and it was Rock and Roll Stephen, The Indie Kid, Clarence Pishflap and The Unicorn Girl.
The Indie Kid was saying that he was trying to get Rock and Roll Stephen back into singing because he'd written more songs about The Smoker and they needed to be sung.
"About that," I said to The Indie Kid. "I don't like you writing songs about me."
"They're not about you," he said. "They're about Fabian Wildman."
"How the fuck are they about Fabian Wildman?" I said.
He didn't get a chance to reply because The Unicorn Girl sat bolt upright and started offloading about what a bastard Fabian Wildman had been when he was living with her and her mates. He started smoking crack and tried it on with loads of girls behind Betty Blue and broke poor Betty Blue's heart, and that I was a bastard by proxy.
I told her that I hadn't seen Fabian Wildman in months and that I liked Betty Blue and I felt bad about what he did, and for some reason I found myself half defending him. I told her that he goes through phases where he fucks everything up but that he helped me give up crack and I'll always thank him for it.
She kept on saying he was a bastard and I told her that Betty Blue used to take me clothes shopping in the second hands and that I hoped she was doing okay even though Fabian Wildman had been a fucker to her.
Clarence Pishflap who'd been strangely silent up til that point said that I was upsetting The Unicorn Girl and that him and her were going to go.
The Unicorn Girl said she was sitting where she was.
Rock and Roll Stephen broke the tension by asking me if I knew anything about how to get false teeth. The Unicorn Girl didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening but it's progress of sorts.
Saturday, 6 March 2010
How To Feel Sexy In Public For Transvestites
Today it feels like spring and it just doesn't seem so desolate walking about Belfast. I took Battle Cat for a walk and I'd my best new togs on (I figured since I've been fired I mightened be able to afford anything decent for a while) and I was getting smiles and hellos from many a lovely lady even though I've big puffy eyes from all the boozing I've been doing. I figured since I've nothing against getting into the old drag from time to time I shouldn't have anything against using moisturiser, especially since I dehydrate myself with pink champaigne on a pretty much daily basis.
Sexy Carlos and his gang were grinding it up in the Botanic Gardens in acceptable spandex, I might do the same. I think all male joggers are just men who want to wear their spandex in public. They have every right to do so, and I might join them, although I'm not sure you can get leopard print men's joggers. Could take the sewing machine to a leotard, I suppose.
Sexy Carlos and his gang were grinding it up in the Botanic Gardens in acceptable spandex, I might do the same. I think all male joggers are just men who want to wear their spandex in public. They have every right to do so, and I might join them, although I'm not sure you can get leopard print men's joggers. Could take the sewing machine to a leotard, I suppose.
Friday, 5 March 2010
Gerard Taggart is a Thieving Bastard
Hot Baby Roy was sitting in tears at the kitchen table today. He said he'd been back to his old house to collect some nifty housing benefit cheques but there was none there. He had to go down to the housing benefit office to find out where they were. He was told that they had been sent out and that their records showed they had been cashed by a man called Gerard Taggart who had presented ID saying Hot Baby Roy allowed him to cash it.
Hot Baby Roy was furious and said that he hadn't given anyone his ID. It turned out this Gerard Taggart had only presented ID that said he was Gerard Taggart.
Hot Baby Roy was told he had to go to the cops and get a crime number and then he'd be able to get his money paid to him.
By the time Hot Baby Roy had all this the Housing Executive was closed so he now has to wait until Monday to get his money back.
I told him that this Gerard Taggart bastard once stole my housing benefit cheques back when I lived on a bedsit on the Lisburn Road. He's an old fucker in his fifties, looks like Nick O'Teen and has a face like a melted candle.
I told Hot Baby Roy I could point him out to him, he hangs around the Lisburn Road and Botanic Avenue in the early morning.
One time I followed him to Stranmillis but he sussed I was following him and hid in a phonebox. When I clocked where he was he bolted and I didn't see him again for months. If you read this and know him or where he is, tell people to watch him. He's a theiving bastard.
Hot Baby Roy was furious and said that he hadn't given anyone his ID. It turned out this Gerard Taggart had only presented ID that said he was Gerard Taggart.
Hot Baby Roy was told he had to go to the cops and get a crime number and then he'd be able to get his money paid to him.
By the time Hot Baby Roy had all this the Housing Executive was closed so he now has to wait until Monday to get his money back.
I told him that this Gerard Taggart bastard once stole my housing benefit cheques back when I lived on a bedsit on the Lisburn Road. He's an old fucker in his fifties, looks like Nick O'Teen and has a face like a melted candle.
I told Hot Baby Roy I could point him out to him, he hangs around the Lisburn Road and Botanic Avenue in the early morning.
One time I followed him to Stranmillis but he sussed I was following him and hid in a phonebox. When I clocked where he was he bolted and I didn't see him again for months. If you read this and know him or where he is, tell people to watch him. He's a theiving bastard.
Tuesday, 2 March 2010
Dark Eyes Follow Me
I woke up on the couch this morning to find someone stomping around upstairs. I fetched the baseball bat from the cupboard under the stairs and went up to find Hot Baby Roy tidying up. I asked him what he was at.
He said the house was in a bit of a mess and he was sorting things out. I asked him where he'd been. He said he was staying for a few nights at Clarence Pishflap's. I asked if the Unicorn Girl was there too, and he burst out laughing. I told him that Clarence and he were an item and that I thought she was too good for him.
He said that Clarence wished they were an item because when she's round Clarence is always making her cups of tea and listening to her talk about indie boys that have wronged her and telling her she should leave boys alone and get with a "real man," by that he means himself.
Hot Baby Roy said that one night the Unicorn Girl fell asleep as Clarence was comforting her on the couch (no sex implied) and that when he, Hot Baby Roy walked into the room Clarence was rocking her gently and sniffling. He was implanting subliminal messages, saying "You fancy me, Clarence: a real man," softly in her ear. That's the only night she ever spent at his and Clarence said the next morning that he will never say if they had sex or not because "a gentleman never tells," even though nobody asked.
Hot Baby Roy said that he was fed up with Clarence and had seen him for the sad case he was. He also said that Clarence had bought ninja stars and kept saying he was going to embed them into my skull. And that Clarence had been following me around town when I was wankered out of my face and sometimes deep into the Lagan Meadows as night. Watching for a sign of my weakness, he nearly had me the other night but Rock and Roll Stephen was stroking my hair while I slept (yuk) and Clarence had to go home to change his catheter before it overflowed.
I told him that I wasn't bothered. If Clarence beat me in a dream he'd better wake up and apologise. I felt a bit silly for saying this and Hot Baby Roy politely stared at the floor.
He said the house was in a bit of a mess and he was sorting things out. I asked him where he'd been. He said he was staying for a few nights at Clarence Pishflap's. I asked if the Unicorn Girl was there too, and he burst out laughing. I told him that Clarence and he were an item and that I thought she was too good for him.
He said that Clarence wished they were an item because when she's round Clarence is always making her cups of tea and listening to her talk about indie boys that have wronged her and telling her she should leave boys alone and get with a "real man," by that he means himself.
Hot Baby Roy said that one night the Unicorn Girl fell asleep as Clarence was comforting her on the couch (no sex implied) and that when he, Hot Baby Roy walked into the room Clarence was rocking her gently and sniffling. He was implanting subliminal messages, saying "You fancy me, Clarence: a real man," softly in her ear. That's the only night she ever spent at his and Clarence said the next morning that he will never say if they had sex or not because "a gentleman never tells," even though nobody asked.
Hot Baby Roy said that he was fed up with Clarence and had seen him for the sad case he was. He also said that Clarence had bought ninja stars and kept saying he was going to embed them into my skull. And that Clarence had been following me around town when I was wankered out of my face and sometimes deep into the Lagan Meadows as night. Watching for a sign of my weakness, he nearly had me the other night but Rock and Roll Stephen was stroking my hair while I slept (yuk) and Clarence had to go home to change his catheter before it overflowed.
I told him that I wasn't bothered. If Clarence beat me in a dream he'd better wake up and apologise. I felt a bit silly for saying this and Hot Baby Roy politely stared at the floor.
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