No Romance For Anyone

Balkazaler didn't show last night, so I sat there cracked off my face giggling and feeling all happy when the door went. Here we go, I thought to myself getting ready to ask all these important questions but when I answered the door it was Rock and Roll Stephen looking for Hot Baby Roy.

"He's not in," I said. "No offence but I'm expecting someone."

Rock and Roll Stephen blustered on in all wet round the eyes.

"Tell him to stay away from The Raven Princess Spandex, he's ruining my chances. I've a strategy all worked out but she says she doesn't want to hurt Hot Baby Roy. He should go and get himself a troll or some rough thing more his league."

"That's not fair," I said. "Hot Baby Roy can make moves if he wants to, you just need to up your game, if she means that much to you."

He kind of stood there and shrugged and didn't really have an answer.

"She doesn't, okay?" he said eventually, "but Hot Baby Roy has no chance, he's just trying to spoil mine."

Battle Cat started growing at him. He's became good mates with Hot Baby Roy recently.

"She thinks of him as some sort of androgynus BFF," he said.

"No offence like but coming from someone who perms his hair and wears his mum's clothes you're hardly Butch Rambo yourself."

He jumped up and down on the spot and started shouting.

"Just tell him to stay away, he'll regret it. I know muscle."

Just then Hot Baby Roy appeared in the doorway, Rock and Roll Stephen turned to catch his eye all too late as Hot Baby Roy headbutted him in the face and he collapsed screaming. Battle Cat strolled casually over to him and pissed on him. Then Rock and Roll Stephen crawled weeping out of the house.

Johnny Davro and Peace Man come to a Jam

Today I was jamming with the sweaty metallers. It was wild, I was screaming at the top of my lungs. It was a new song and there were no lyrics yet so I just kept screaming about Satan! and Sex!

Johnny Davro and Peace Man were there, they are the coolest dudes in the city and they make the scene. If they go to a gig and stay for longer than one beer then whatever band are onstage have made it in Belfast.

In the middle of the jam Johnny Davro got up and started dancing all slow and metaphorically. Peace Man sat clicking his fingers. The sweaty metallers stood there nodding proudly between each other. Then when the song ended Johnny Davro asked me if I'd ever heard of Rimbaud? I thought he said Rambo so I nodded excitedly. He smiled a knowing smile and said:

"I thought I heard some of his influences in there."

After he left, the sweaty metallers said that he must like me because he said more to me today that he's said to members of his own family in his entire life.

I felt so cool I skipped next door and told Fabian Wildman, he was too busy slithering around the floor in his Zentai screaming:

"Mummy let me lick the bowl!"

I know how he feels. I love to lick the bowl.