An Old Enemy Returns

This morning I went twitching out to put the bin out. The Raven Princess Spandex was standing out in the alley too, just standing there with a big white terrified face on her.

"You're very pale without your make-up on," I said giving her a dig for Hot Baby Roy, even if it was his own stupid fault he was knocked back.

"I'm still hot like butter on a scone," she said. Then she pulled a face like she knew it hadn't sounded as cool/sexy/whatever as she'd hoped.

"Yes you are," I nodded to spare the poor lady's embarrasment.

"Who used to live in this house before me and Princess Cheetara?"

"A couple of sweaty heavy metal rock and rollers."

"Were they into devil worship?"

"Not them, there were some satanists lived there before that, they once killed a goat in there as a sacrifice to satan."

Her mouth fell open and she started trembling.

"It's okay, they were harmless enough."

"This creepy bastard in a grim reaper cloak came to our door the other night and said that we had a very powerful 'grimoire' in our attic."

"The Death Owl."

"That's his name, that's his name," she started to cry and I gave her a hug.

"Listen leave it with me, I know him and I'm not scared of him. I'll find out what's going on. Don't worry about it."

I went back in the house and I'm going to light up the crack pipe. Hopefully Balkazaler will show up and tell me what's going on.

Goodbye to the Last of The Sweaty Metallers.

Derek Baby called round yesterday to tell me that him and the Banshee were leaving and wanted to know if I'd come to their wee shindig this evening.

I called round ready for sweaty heavy metal rock and roll vomit action but was faced with Derek Baby and The Banshee listening to We've Only Just Begun by The Carpenters. I was pissed off. I asked Derek Baby to get some Motorhead on so we could do some slam dancing.

He gave the Banshee a strange look and walked off to blow up some balloons. Then the party started to take off wild style. The wee indie fuck from across the street called over with his cool palls and they had some skinny jeaned action going on with their perms and flicks. One of them said he was going to teach the others the snap and flick and they all started doing this


(you have to watch about a minute in)

Anyways, once they started getting down some hot babes arrived. Among them was Sandcastles. I asked her how Fabian Wildman was doing and if he was coming tonight. She looked at me and opened her mouth like she was about to say something then walked off to talk to some indie dude.

It was ignorant as fuck. I think he knocked her back because she was sitting out on the street balling her eyes out at the end of the night (ha ha).

I tried to have a rock and roll cool time. Derek Baby came up and started talking about all the rock and roll wild times we had as a band but we didn't even play a gig. He said the hoped Peace Man or Johnny Davro would show up and give the party their approval. I told him I thought they were probably at home rubbing toothpaste into each others boxer shorts.

He said I should watch saying that sort of stuff because Peace Man and Johnny Davro were well liked and I could make a lot of enemies for myself. I said I didn't care. I thought they were ballbags and I've never heard anyone but him give a fuck about them. Everyone else just gets on with their shit and doesn't care.

He got pissed off at this and told me that he hopes Mother of Bowling Ball breaks my legs. I asked him if he knew all about the goat that was killed in his house last year.

He told me to leave. I told him that he was as metal as Richard Gere in a film (wooden in case you didn't get it - he didn't).

A Long Fucking Day

Yesterday was a weird one. Firstly it was my fruitarian brother's birthday. I haven't heard anything from any of them since my "intervention" so I didn't really know what to do. In the end I sent him a text and I got one back saying some balls about how he's thinking of going off meat again. I'll look forward to missing this intervention.

Secondly one of the sweaty metallers moved out. There was loads of shouting about how the other was "a spandex licking mutherfucker" mutherfucker was emphasised in that way that metallers sometimes do when they're wanting to get extra metal about something.

Fabian's thinking he might move in there. I think he should just stay here. The cops haven't been round in ages.

I asked him why didn't bring round Sandcastles and The Unicorn Girl again. He said that they'd been scared off by Hot Baby Roy and especially Clarence. Clarence told the Unicorn Girl that he liked to get drunk at the weekends and slap the fuck out of indie kids. Me and good king thumpo did this once but I didn't say. Fabian saw I looked upset but he didn't know why. He said he was seeing them again tonight and he'd say to them about maybe calling round again.

After he left Hot Baby Roy called round in tears saying that he couldn't find his Bratz DVD, he'd left it here but I was so pissed off I told him I hadn't seen it. He said he was going to bring round Wild Child someday soon because there was a hot dance routine in it, he saw I wasn't impressed so he added, "and there's stuff about emotions and friendship in it too."

Sweaty Metal Rock and Roll Night

We were woke up last night by screaming and howling about murder and human blood, at first I thought it was a late sweaty metal jam but after I heard someone shout "I was in love with her," I realised that this was surely no sweaty metal song.

I ran next door with Fabian Wildman not far behind me. Half the lights were on in the street. The banshee was howling (she really is very good) and the sweaty metallers were shouting their heads off.

I started thumping on the door, shouting for them to calm down, when one of them stormed outside.

"Tuesday Kid, let's you and me start a band," he said. "We don't need these dicks."

"You're just jealous because the banshee loves me," the other one shouted.

"How? How can she love you more? I was always the most metal out of us," shouted the first one.

"No, it was me," shouted the other one.

"Let's ask Tuesday Kid," they said turning to me.

"To be honest lads, I always had trouble telling yous apart," I shrugged.

"How could you confuse me with this dick," said the first one.

I was saved by the Banshee coming out and asking Derek Baby to come back inside. The second one went back in with her.

The first one stood there shaking with anger.

"Derek Baby?" I said, "what's your name?"

He glared at me and stormed off down the street, tears streaming down his face.

Party Time

So on Sunday we'd a big cool party to celebrate Battle Cat being back. We didn't want to make it a rock and roll heavy metal vomit one because Nanny Boo Boo was coming over and we were worried about how she'd find it. The Sweaty Metallers were on their best behaviour but a few sherry's in Nanny Boo Boo starting asking for the vodka and asked for us to play some loud music. She was a right riot. Listening to all the sweaty metaller's funny stories about rock and roll vomit parties and all the sweaty metal things they get up to. It was then I realised that both of them were competing for the affections of the Banshee who lapped it all up.

Fabian Wildman and Betty Blue were hanging out in the corner talking to Mr Spoon because Betty Blue wants to start making weird wine with beetroot and rhubarb and other weird stuff. Mr Spoon had kindly brought round two bottles (which, no harm to him, made everyone who tried them boke). The special place was reserved for Battle Cat who sat in the corner most of the night woofing away pleasantly and glad to be home.

Mr Spoon left around ten and Nanny Boo Boo a short while later. I told her I'd bring Battle Cat down to visit soon. She said she'd like that and that she'd enjoyed her time at the party and maybe she'd get an invite to the next heavy metal vomit one. I don't see why not.

After that we all played strip twister which got very messy and we were all drunk and didn't understand the rules.

I can't remember how it ended but I woke up bollock naked in the living room on my own with Battle Cat licking my face.

Battle Cat is Home!!!!!

So I got a wee email this morning from some woman out Stranmillis. I was so excited I nearly pished myself. The title said "I Think I Have Your Dog".

She lived out near the Lagan Meadows and said Battle Cat wondered into her garden last Sunday night and she's had him all week. She said all these lovely things about him in her email and it seems he's been on his best behaviour. Good boy!

She said she saw my gumtree ad. so a big thank you to gumtree for providing such a useful service.

Me and Fabian Wildman were going to go round but he's looking a bit weird because he's been smoking a bit too much crack and not sleeping recently. I didn't want to scare the woman so I just went myself.

It struck me just as I reached the house that maybe it wasn't Battle Cat but some other mutt and I had to pause a wee minute and gather my thoughts. Then I rapt on the door.

This wee old lady, who must have been about seventy came to the door and invited me in. She'd these big glasses which looked like she'd tapped two magnifying glasses together.

She took me through the house out into her garden and there he was, my wee puppy dog all wagging his tail and happy to see me. He jumped up on me and she's been feeding him well because he nearly knocked me flying. I was so happy to see him I started talking to him in that half baby speak that I only do when other people aren't around.

She gave me a cup of tea and some really nice lemon buns with white icing that she said she'd made herself. I offered her some money for all the food she's given Battle Cat but she says she didn't want anything. She said she liked having him and that he'd been good company for her.

I told her I was throwing a party tonight at mine for all the people who helped look for Battle Cat and would she like to come as guest of honour? She said that would be great that she hasn't been to a good party in ages.

So that's it settled. I took Battle Cat home with me, blabbing away to him all the way up the road. Fabian Wildman was nearly in tears when he saw him. It was dead sweet.

So now we've got to prepare for the party. I just realised that Nanny Boo Boo (the oul lady's name) might get a bit freaked out hanging with all the sweaty metallers and Fabian Wildman and his crack pipe, he said he'd have a good smoke before anyone came round and that would do him til they went home. I wish he'd stop it all together but for now I'm just glad to have my puppy back!

My Dog is Missing

Battle Cat got out this morning. At first I thought it was satanists but I told myself I was just being paranoid. I first found out when I went to feed him. The gate was open and he was away.

I woke Fabian Wildman and he came out to help me look for him. We searched all the nearby streets but he was nowhere to be seen. Both of us were running about in oul tracksuit bottoms so we went back to get dressed before searching more.

The Sweaty Metallers and their new recruit, The Banshee, were just about to go in for a heavy metal rock and roll jam when they saw I was crying. They asked what was up and I told them Battle Cat was missing. They said they'd come and help me but I said it was okay. They insisted they were helping, so me and Fabian Wildman went and got dressed and met them back outside. Mr Spoon was there too and he said he'd help. Fabian Wildman phoned Betty Blue who said she'd meet us down at the Lagan Meadows.

We split into three groups Me and Mr Spoon, Fabian and Betty Blue, and the Sweaty Metallers and The Banshee. We searched for hours but there was no sign of him anywhere. Me and Mr Spoon went into Botanic Gardens and then up to Ormeau Park. Fabian and Betty Blue checked The Lagan Meadows as far down as Shaw's Bridge and The Sweaty Metallers and The Banshee checked further up the path from the Ormeau Road out to the Obel Tower but no luck. I'm just back in to get some food and then I'm off out again for another look.

Rock and Roll is Here To Stay

The Sweaty Metallers called round today to ask if I wanted to go to a heavy metal vomit party and I made up some excuse not to go because I was too pissed off, all that screaming and acting cool for nothing. I'd just be nobody at one of those parties. I wouldn't be able to look any of the cool dudes in the eye and I wouldn't be getting any hot metal girls.

Fabian Wildman said I should go, just to say there's no hard feelings and I might meet some people who want to start up a band. I told him that I always felt like a fake in the band and I didn't know how to sing. He shrugged and says it'd beat staying home, so I went.

I walked into the party and asked if anyone wanted to start a band with me and no one said anything. I was relegated to talking to this guy who had nothing to say for himself other than "I have a prince albert" and "my wife didn't leave me, I left her." It was so depressing I went upstairs to see what I could steal.

I was going through a girls make up bag for money when she came upon me, she looked really shocked like she was going to scream the house down.

"Mind if I borrow your lipstick?" I asked.

This changed everything, five minutes later we were plastered in her lipstick and getting it on ontop of loads of coats.

I boked in her mouth and she boked in mine it was so beautiful. Then after it all she said:

"It's great the way you can just cop off with people at these parties and it doesn't mean anything."

Just as I'd my phone out to take her number. I quietly put it back in my pocket and cried silently as she left the room.

One day I'll find what I'm looking for, but last night I couldn't find anything, not even a tenner or a mobile in one person's coat. I must be losing my touch.

I'm in Love with a Fairy Tale

Fabian Wildman and Betty Blue watched Eurovision together the other night, I didn't because I hate it. Fabian Wildman has been in a bad mood ever since about the Norwegian entry (which won, and which I'm not going to show here because it's balls). Anyways, I caught him talking on his mobile this morning to some Norwegian holiday firm asking them if they would give him the wee bastard's address, just to send "hate mail" he winked at me when he said this and showed me his balled fist. They hung up on him.

I told him about getting kicked out of the band. And how I've just been sitting round the house licking my wounds and wanting to lick the bowl. He agreed, he says he loves to lick the bowl. I told him I felt hurt by the sweaty metallers and that I'd thought we were friends. He gave me a sympathetic look and asked if I wanted a smoke of crack. I told him no. I told him I wanted to get a job. He told me that I needed to be careful because the work almost destroyed him and it was crack that helped him get his life back on track. I told him that being a crackhead wasn't the same as having your life back on crack. He just rolled his eyes and boiled some eggs.

I HATE WESTLIFE

I'm feeling better and I've been up and at 'em since yesterday. I went round the sweaty metallers to tell them I was excited about our next jam and about the banshee singing with us. That's when they sat me down and between them (they're hard to tell apart, and they rarely are apart, that's why I always talk about the two of them together) that they also like the banshee and don't know where I fit into the band anymore. I nearly screamed at them, no one screams like I scream, I thought but then I remembered what the banshee sounded like through the walls.

They must have seen the look on my face because they said they hoped we could still be mates and they'd still take me to rock and roll vomit parties. I told them that would be nice but to be honest I don't believe it.

I went to their toilet and pished all over the seat. Then I left, still friends.

In the Cold Cold Night

Still ill on Wednesday so I couldn't make the Jam next door. The sweaty metallers were disappointed but they went ahead with the jam anyway because they were trying out some new girl on backing vocals. She screamed and howled like a banshee. It was blood curdling. Fabian Wildman didn't sleep a wink the whole night and it was nothing to do with Betty Blue. He came walking into my room at 3 in the morning and asked me where the light switch was. I told him the light was already on and he asked how come he was eternally in darkness.

He told me that as a kid he had wanted to be cool when he grew up and own his own car and go out to the club with his buddies after a week of working hard, it would be now time to play hard. And not that he'd anything against me, because he liked me, but his life wasn't taking the shape he'd hoped it would.

Then he spoiled it all by saying:

"I'm very deep you know, I often ask myself the big questions."

I told him that I didn't have any answers and that I'd maybe hoped my life would have been different but there you go. I think Fabian might ask himself the big questions but then he'd probably go for a wank before he found the answers.

Monkey Flu strikes me too!

Today I've been lying in bed with monkey flu (the disease that dickheads get when they get a cold and think it's the latest epidemic). After a very shaky night last night I'm glad it's not swine flu. Fabian Wildman and Betty Blue have been banging away and it's hard to sleep with the sun blasting into my room. I've got Battle Cat upstairs for company but he wasn't as house trained as we thought so I've a lump of shite to clean off the floor. It'd be super cool if he'd eat it like a lot of dogs do. I might hunger him a bit tonight to see if he will but I don't like being mean to the wee thing. He looks to me to be nice to him.

The sweaty metallers called round earlier to see about arranging a jam. I said I should be better by Wednesday and they said that was smokin' hot.

Johnny Davro and Peace Man come to a Jam

Today I was jamming with the sweaty metallers. It was wild, I was screaming at the top of my lungs. It was a new song and there were no lyrics yet so I just kept screaming about Satan! and Sex!

Johnny Davro and Peace Man were there, they are the coolest dudes in the city and they make the scene. If they go to a gig and stay for longer than one beer then whatever band are onstage have made it in Belfast.

In the middle of the jam Johnny Davro got up and started dancing all slow and metaphorically. Peace Man sat clicking his fingers. The sweaty metallers stood there nodding proudly between each other. Then when the song ended Johnny Davro asked me if I'd ever heard of Rimbaud? I thought he said Rambo so I nodded excitedly. He smiled a knowing smile and said:

"I thought I heard some of his influences in there."

After he left, the sweaty metallers said that he must like me because he said more to me today that he's said to members of his own family in his entire life.

I felt so cool I skipped next door and told Fabian Wildman, he was too busy slithering around the floor in his Zentai screaming:

"Mummy let me lick the bowl!"

I know how he feels. I love to lick the bowl.

Heavy Metal Vomit Party No.1

I've been worried about Fabian Wildman since he lost his job. He just sits around the house huffing lighter gas and screaming about the Poles. I decided to take him to a heavy metal vomit party up in Rosetta to cheer him up. Me, him and the Sweaty Metallers showed up fashionably late and started rocking fuck out of the place. Fabian Wildman seemed to cheer up and I left him to it and went and met Johnny Davro and Peace Man. They're apparently really cool dudes and I wanted them to like me because all the skanky metal pussy hangs around them. Yum yum.

Rather than walk up and be all "yo I'm Tuesday Kid," I decided to try a different tactic. They were sitting at a table not saying anything and I just wandered up and sat down beside them. I didn't speak and neither did they. We all just sat trying to out cool each other. After two hours I just got up and walked off. I think I made a good impression.

I walked into the livingroom and found Fabian Wildman sitting shaking and foaming at the mouth talking about how foreigners were coming into our country and taking all our jobs. I wasn't too pleased because fuck knows who was listening and that's the sort of talk that starts fights. I tried to lead him off topic but he kept coming back to it. Then he started cursing the labour government and saying that things were better under the tories.

I don't know where he gets this from because he didn't used to talk like this. I think he must have some new dildo mates filling his head with pish.

That got me thinking about Doctor Who. Both me and Fabian Wildman are big Doctor Who fans and if you watch it you know that the doctor sometimes regenerates and when he does not only does he look different but his personality changes too. I think Fabian has had a recent regeneration and it's changed him from cool but intense crack head into failed yuppie wannabee with overtones of racism. I hope he's really done a Colin Baker (6th Doctor) which is seem like a bit of a nasty dude but really the good guy is underneath waiting to slowly emerge.

Sweaty Metal Jam No 1

I went round to the sweaty metallers today to see about their sweaty metal band. The metallers plugged in their flying v guitars and played some mean ass dragon force shit. I got carried away and started slam dancing their and then and they loved that almost as much as my heavy metal screaming.

They handed me some song lyrics they wanted me to sing. It was here that it went down hill a wee bit, because the lyrics were sheee-ite. They were all about how some fellah (me I assume) and hi wuman were at some banquet getting it on when the orc hords invaded and tried to slay us all. It was pure pish but I just screamed away hoping I could change them at a later date. The sweaty metallers loved what they heard and told me I had to come to a vomit party at their mates up in Newtownbreda

I went home to get changed but had to stay in because I found Fabian Wildman sitting with a bottle of tesco's vodka and five lighters for a pound drinking and sniffing away and balling his eyes out too. He's just lost his job.