Love, oh Love, I wanna tell you how I feel about you

Hot Baby Roy didn't come back last night either. I don't know if he pulled or if something bad happened to him. I'm not sure but I'd suspect he pulled even though both are likely.

I called his phone a few times but he never answered. Instead it gave a ring and went straight to voicemail.

I sat in and watched Eurovision all evening. It was funny seeing the UK come last, they always get it so wrong. The song and the singer were just boring. I think the German entry was the best by miles and I'm going to write a clawing fan letter to the girl asking her do a show in Belfast and offering her a place to stay at mine. I think I'll be the first Northern Irish Person she gets a letter from because I went out first thing this morning. (I'd downed the rest of Hot Baby Roy's birthday vodka and sat up waiting for the post office to open). Here's a draft of it (the one I posted was much smoother but not much different).

Dear Lena

Your song is so cool, you should do a gig in Northern Ireland. You have lots of fans here (especially me and my dog). We were dancing around the living room both times they played your song and if you were to play in Belfast you could stay at my house. I was a little disapointed that you wanted a kiss from Alexander Rybak when you won but that's a good sign for me getting one of my own (is it?).

Yours

T.

I'm in Love with a Fairy Tale

Fabian Wildman and Betty Blue watched Eurovision together the other night, I didn't because I hate it. Fabian Wildman has been in a bad mood ever since about the Norwegian entry (which won, and which I'm not going to show here because it's balls). Anyways, I caught him talking on his mobile this morning to some Norwegian holiday firm asking them if they would give him the wee bastard's address, just to send "hate mail" he winked at me when he said this and showed me his balled fist. They hung up on him.

I told him about getting kicked out of the band. And how I've just been sitting round the house licking my wounds and wanting to lick the bowl. He agreed, he says he loves to lick the bowl. I told him I felt hurt by the sweaty metallers and that I'd thought we were friends. He gave me a sympathetic look and asked if I wanted a smoke of crack. I told him no. I told him I wanted to get a job. He told me that I needed to be careful because the work almost destroyed him and it was crack that helped him get his life back on track. I told him that being a crackhead wasn't the same as having your life back on crack. He just rolled his eyes and boiled some eggs.

Lonely Mrs. Puddinghead

Today I had to go down to the dole office to see about New Deal which is a load of bullshit. I told Mrs. Puddinghead about my Sweaty Metal Band. She snorted up her piggy nose and rolled her wonky eye more than usual and asked had I never played a Lambeg. I told her that I might use her head as a bongo and break the skin (if you know what I mean) she threatened to sign me off and I kicked the counter and told her that I knew where she lived and it was me who had been the cause of the rats she got that summer when she went on holiday and unless she wanted to wake up some night to find me in the corner of her bedroom bouncing up and down on a trampet (small trampoline) then she'd better sign me on.

She burst into tears and said she wouldn't mind finding me there because she gets awful lonely. She started to shake with tears. I reached across the desk and held her hand and she looked up grateful for a little contact from another human. In that moment something good passed between us, then her wonky eye rolled away and she spat "fuck you and your sweaty metal, the system will grind you to dust and you'll blow away" she still signed me on though, even if I gave her the fingers on my way out the door.

When I got home Fabian Wildman was screwing a suspension harness into the ceiling of the livingroom. He looked very excited. He stopped occasionally to huff a bag of glue at his side and dance. This is the song he was dancing to (apparently it was the song that won Eurovision for Estonia in 2001):