Back in work and I'm fully charged to kick corporate ass, I'm gonna make the deals, bust the ass that needs busted for me to get that promotion I'm gonna drag the company to its knees. It's gonna knee for me.
Or some such balls, All my previous enthusiasm is gone. I spoke to Betty Blue at break and I asked her if she was calling me a stalker. She said no that she was talking about Clarence Pishflap who had went out with Sandcastles and was now stalking The Unicorn Girl. I told her that I hated Clarence Pishflap and that him and that dick Mother of Bowling Ball were going to get kickings if they tried to hit Hot Baby Roy, Betty Blue said that she remembered Hot Baby Roy and she always thought he was a bit creepy too. I told her that Hot Baby Roy had a girlfriend and they were going great and that he nice now and he was very nice to Battle Cat.
"Aw, you're wee dog," she shouted. "How's he doing these days? He was so cute."
"He great, still cute, but bigger now, still not biting people."
She laughed at that, I wanted to say something about Fabian Wildman and how he was a dick for what he did to her, but I couldn't it was too awkward over egg sandwiches.
Showing posts with label puppy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label puppy. Show all posts
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Sunday, 7 June 2009
Battle Cat is Home!!!!!
So I got a wee email this morning from some woman out Stranmillis. I was so excited I nearly pished myself. The title said "I Think I Have Your Dog".
She lived out near the Lagan Meadows and said Battle Cat wondered into her garden last Sunday night and she's had him all week. She said all these lovely things about him in her email and it seems he's been on his best behaviour. Good boy!
She said she saw my gumtree ad. so a big thank you to gumtree for providing such a useful service.
Me and Fabian Wildman were going to go round but he's looking a bit weird because he's been smoking a bit too much crack and not sleeping recently. I didn't want to scare the woman so I just went myself.
It struck me just as I reached the house that maybe it wasn't Battle Cat but some other mutt and I had to pause a wee minute and gather my thoughts. Then I rapt on the door.
This wee old lady, who must have been about seventy came to the door and invited me in. She'd these big glasses which looked like she'd tapped two magnifying glasses together.
She took me through the house out into her garden and there he was, my wee puppy dog all wagging his tail and happy to see me. He jumped up on me and she's been feeding him well because he nearly knocked me flying. I was so happy to see him I started talking to him in that half baby speak that I only do when other people aren't around.
She gave me a cup of tea and some really nice lemon buns with white icing that she said she'd made herself. I offered her some money for all the food she's given Battle Cat but she says she didn't want anything. She said she liked having him and that he'd been good company for her.
I told her I was throwing a party tonight at mine for all the people who helped look for Battle Cat and would she like to come as guest of honour? She said that would be great that she hasn't been to a good party in ages.
So that's it settled. I took Battle Cat home with me, blabbing away to him all the way up the road. Fabian Wildman was nearly in tears when he saw him. It was dead sweet.
So now we've got to prepare for the party. I just realised that Nanny Boo Boo (the oul lady's name) might get a bit freaked out hanging with all the sweaty metallers and Fabian Wildman and his crack pipe, he said he'd have a good smoke before anyone came round and that would do him til they went home. I wish he'd stop it all together but for now I'm just glad to have my puppy back!
She lived out near the Lagan Meadows and said Battle Cat wondered into her garden last Sunday night and she's had him all week. She said all these lovely things about him in her email and it seems he's been on his best behaviour. Good boy!
She said she saw my gumtree ad. so a big thank you to gumtree for providing such a useful service.
Me and Fabian Wildman were going to go round but he's looking a bit weird because he's been smoking a bit too much crack and not sleeping recently. I didn't want to scare the woman so I just went myself.
It struck me just as I reached the house that maybe it wasn't Battle Cat but some other mutt and I had to pause a wee minute and gather my thoughts. Then I rapt on the door.
This wee old lady, who must have been about seventy came to the door and invited me in. She'd these big glasses which looked like she'd tapped two magnifying glasses together.
She took me through the house out into her garden and there he was, my wee puppy dog all wagging his tail and happy to see me. He jumped up on me and she's been feeding him well because he nearly knocked me flying. I was so happy to see him I started talking to him in that half baby speak that I only do when other people aren't around.
She gave me a cup of tea and some really nice lemon buns with white icing that she said she'd made herself. I offered her some money for all the food she's given Battle Cat but she says she didn't want anything. She said she liked having him and that he'd been good company for her.
I told her I was throwing a party tonight at mine for all the people who helped look for Battle Cat and would she like to come as guest of honour? She said that would be great that she hasn't been to a good party in ages.
So that's it settled. I took Battle Cat home with me, blabbing away to him all the way up the road. Fabian Wildman was nearly in tears when he saw him. It was dead sweet.
So now we've got to prepare for the party. I just realised that Nanny Boo Boo (the oul lady's name) might get a bit freaked out hanging with all the sweaty metallers and Fabian Wildman and his crack pipe, he said he'd have a good smoke before anyone came round and that would do him til they went home. I wish he'd stop it all together but for now I'm just glad to have my puppy back!
Friday, 5 June 2009
A Thug's Heart Breaks
I was wondering about the Lisburn Road last night crying about Battle Cat being missing and having no job and no money when I ran into Good King Thumpo. Good King Thumpo asked me why I was crying and I told him about my missing puppy dog.
He told me it was probably in a chinese by now.
I told him he was a rotten racist bastard and his tattoos made him look like a stupid bastard. Brave words to say to Good King Thumpo but I was drunk and upset.
Good King Thumpo burst into tears and told me that he was trying to get laser surgery to get rid of them and that once he'd lost a puppy and it never came back and his da beat his fuck in for it and that it wasn't right and that he felt sorry for me but he never knows how to be gentle with people so he makes nasty jokes and that he likes me and wants me and him to stay friends.
It was then I realised he was pissed out of his face.
He boked his ring up and wandered off down the road in tears asking about Lucky and where did he go?
I fucked off home. Good King Thumpo never got over the loss of his dog. I hope Battle Cat comes home.
He told me it was probably in a chinese by now.
I told him he was a rotten racist bastard and his tattoos made him look like a stupid bastard. Brave words to say to Good King Thumpo but I was drunk and upset.
Good King Thumpo burst into tears and told me that he was trying to get laser surgery to get rid of them and that once he'd lost a puppy and it never came back and his da beat his fuck in for it and that it wasn't right and that he felt sorry for me but he never knows how to be gentle with people so he makes nasty jokes and that he likes me and wants me and him to stay friends.
It was then I realised he was pissed out of his face.
He boked his ring up and wandered off down the road in tears asking about Lucky and where did he go?
I fucked off home. Good King Thumpo never got over the loss of his dog. I hope Battle Cat comes home.
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