Cowboys Vs Indians

Yesterday was my Fruitarian Brother's birthday party, and like those of you who read this will no I haven't really seen much of them this year (except Wino Jo - who I used to live with.)

He was in good form. He's off the drink now and he seems not to be telling people what to do or how to do it anymore. He asked how Hot Baby Roy was and when I told him that he was seeing Hot Firey Love Lady he laughed his ass off and said that he bet she was an ugly monster and that he knew Hot Baby Roy didn't stand a chance with the Raven Princess Spandex. I told him he didn't stand a chance with Princess Cheetara either, and that the Leotard Girls were annoying as fuck and do nothing but hold big milbag parties that spill out onto the street fighting.

He says that never bothered him because he has a wee rock and roll step that Foosted Wotsit Head showed him. I asked if he'd heard from Foosted Wotsit Head and he shrugged.

My metaller brother was in good form and just talking about work and the new Iron Maiden album. The Hot Shot Banker was missing because he's living in Switzerland now (lucky bastard) and the Fruitarian was there with all his hippy mates.

I bought him a baby apple tree that he can grow and get apples from when he's in a fruitarian mode.

Some of his hippy mates had guitars and they started playing lame hippy stuff that went:

"Bumble bee, don't sting me,
we are friends, make honey."

Repeat until you have forgotten what you were doing before the song started. I hated it but clapped politely. Then ran like fuck.

"It's My Birthday So You Have To Sleep With Me"

So Hot Baby Roy's been getting all excited and asking me who I'm inviting to his party. I know he thinks the Leotard Girls are top of the list and that he's going to get a "it's my birthday you have to sleep with me" fuck off the Raven Princess Spandex but it's not going to happen. Even before I went next door to invite them I knew they weren't coming.

So I get invited in and The Raven Princess Spandex is saying that she likes Hot Baby Roy but that he hit Rock and Roll Stephen and she thought that was mean, even though it was one of her spidey fucker friends that knocked Rock and Roll Stephen's teeth out. She says she knows but that things are different now and she's been hanging out with him and she likes him and that Hot Baby Roy is in a bad place and blah blah blah. She's into Rock and Roll Stephen and Hot Baby Roy can go and fuck basically. I knew this was going to happen, basically because Rock and Roll Stephen is a good looking guy and Hot Baby Roy isn't. That's not a dig at gingers, he just isn't handsome and doesn't carry himself in a way that makes girls want him.

That basically leaves the list at me, him and Battle Cat.

I asked the Raven Princess Spandex if The Death Owl had shown up again and she said that her and Princess Cheetara had just made it up because Rock and Roll Stephen had told her about how I was scared of the Death Owl and used to fancy the girl that lived here and she had to move away because I was always following her around.

Fuck them.

An Old Enemy Returns

This morning I went twitching out to put the bin out. The Raven Princess Spandex was standing out in the alley too, just standing there with a big white terrified face on her.

"You're very pale without your make-up on," I said giving her a dig for Hot Baby Roy, even if it was his own stupid fault he was knocked back.

"I'm still hot like butter on a scone," she said. Then she pulled a face like she knew it hadn't sounded as cool/sexy/whatever as she'd hoped.

"Yes you are," I nodded to spare the poor lady's embarrasment.

"Who used to live in this house before me and Princess Cheetara?"

"A couple of sweaty heavy metal rock and rollers."

"Were they into devil worship?"

"Not them, there were some satanists lived there before that, they once killed a goat in there as a sacrifice to satan."

Her mouth fell open and she started trembling.

"It's okay, they were harmless enough."

"This creepy bastard in a grim reaper cloak came to our door the other night and said that we had a very powerful 'grimoire' in our attic."

"The Death Owl."

"That's his name, that's his name," she started to cry and I gave her a hug.

"Listen leave it with me, I know him and I'm not scared of him. I'll find out what's going on. Don't worry about it."

I went back in the house and I'm going to light up the crack pipe. Hopefully Balkazaler will show up and tell me what's going on.

Hot Leotard Porn Scenario Number 1

I arrived round at the Leotard Girls house yesterday with my tool box and full of excitement at the prospect of hot leotard girl sex.

Unfortunately they pointed me in the direction of their fridge which was making this fucked up clicking sound from the back. Apparently there had been a party last weekend where it got knocked over and it hasn't been right since.

I was well out of my depth but pretended to fiddle around with it and check stuff. After about half an hour I told them that they should contact their landlord because it was his responsibility.

"But what about the parties?" shouted Princess Cheetara. "We have parties here all the time, we don't want him to know."

"Lie," I said.

I was a bit fucked off at not being invited to their cool parties, even if they were attended by headbutting dickheads. This isn't fair. I would have burst into tears if it wasn't that they started talking all frantic about Cheryl Cole and Ashely Cole splitting up, they would have thought I was crying about that.

"I think my heart is broken," I said fighting to keep the tears in.

Then I realised they thought I was talking about Cheryl and Ashley too, so I let the tears flow freely.

In the end I picked up my toolbox and sulked out of there without even so much as a cup of tea or peck on the cheek.

First Day Out On The Town

It was nice to get off the sofa and out of the house today. I walked down to Victoria Square and milled about for a while slurping on a big Cafe Mocha in Costa, they do the nicest coffee in Belfast.

I'd hoped that I might sniff some residue of Lady GaGa having been here yesterday but everywhere I looked for her trace was a dead end.

I sniffed the breeze hoping to pick up her scent but in the end I left with empty hands.

Coming home I met Princess Cheetara from the Leotard Girls at the bottom of the street and walked home with her. She said that she'd seen the wee fellah (Rock and Roll Stephen) who was nutted by Napper and he had a big gummy mouth and even though it was funny she felt bad for him because he wasn't a bad looking wee fellah before.

She said that her and the Raven Princess Spandex were having trouble with their fridge and they needed someone to come and have a look at it. I told them I used to fix fridges, which is a complete lie but I was getting horny walking up the road with her and this sounded like a start to my own private porn scenario. I'm going round later and I hope to fuck it is.

Cross your fingers for me.

I Should Never Go To Parties

Last night was the Raven Princess Spandex's birthday party and me and Wino Jo and Hot Baby Roy were all getting ready to go. I came into the livingroom all dragged up in a nice tasteful evening gown and high heels. It's not often I get to wear drag (neither of them are clued up about it) so a fancy dress party is a great occasion for me to mill around in softer fabrics.

Wino Jo and Hot Baby Roy were all pissed off because they thought we should go as The Beastie Boys but I said that no one would get that and they huffed and puffed and said that I was a rare boy in my dress and I told them that they should try it, they did and said that it actually felt nice and that we should all go as girls.

We were all kinkied up and headed round to the party. The door was answered by Princess Cheetara who was dressed up as Supergirl and not Cheetara from the Thundercats as I had hoped.

The Raven Princess Spandex was dressed up as old-skool Catwoman Julie Newmarr. We weren't right in until I noticed Rock and Roll Stephen and the Indie Kid all done up as the Libertines (the jackets were pretty close to the real deal) all set to sing some songs.

It was only after the first one "Ballad of The Smoker" that I twigged who they were singing about. Here's the lyrics:

"The Smoker smokes, but is it tobacco?
Is it for release?
Is it because he thinks he's cool
like my idol Pete Doherteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

They kept giving me smirky looks during the song and The Indie Kid even looked at Princess Cheetara and licked his lips. I was about to wade in with my fists flying when a nice spide (not sure if he was in fancy dress or not) waded into them with:

"What's this shite, are you two fruits?"

then he grabbed the guitar off The Indie Kid and nutted Rock and Roll Stephen in the face. This half stopped the party before it started. I realised that the house was teaming with spides.

Princess Cheetara came over and was laughing away about Rock and Roll Stephen getting nutted. I felt like shit, she's a big millie.

Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo didn't seem to care, but I cared. I watched as they followed the Leotard Girls round the house like sappy puppies, while the Leotard Girls went to great lengths to tell stories that were all about someone getting demeaned and ended with "It was some craic!"

How had I been so blined by beauty and spandex? How?

How Do You Break Things Gently?

Last night was excrutiating. When I got in from work Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo sat me down and told me to be honest about their rendition of the Anfield Rap.

Instead of a backing track they took turns at human beatbox while the other rapped. It was pants, they looked as awkward as any X-factor finalist and wore expressions of "please say this is shit to get me out of doing this".

I didn't want to be the bad guy who spoiled their dreams of being cool fly rappers who get the leotard girls. I also thought that maybe if I let them make dicks out of themselves it might make me look a bit cooler and then I could be sensitive and pull. In the end I had to tell them.

"Listen lads," I said. "I think you need more practise."
"But is it going to work?" Hot Baby Roy asked, he kept rolling his hands waiting for me to elaborate.
"No," I said after a while. "I don't think it will."
They looked crestfallen.
"You know you can both sing," I said. This is half true, Wino Jo can sing, Hot Baby Roy, while not being awful, is only tolerable for one song. "Why don't we get them a Kareoke game or something, then you can both croon at them."
Hot Baby Roy went up to his room and started smashing things. A single salty tear rang down Wino Jo's face and he licked it off and whispered:

"Salty," without looking at me.

I've 100 Followers

I guess that makes me a cult leader a lot like the late but seldom missed Jim Jones. I dunno, all I do know is that Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo are currently in preparation to commit a double suicide next week.

That's because it's The Raven Princess Spandex's birthday next week and the three of us are invited. Or at least Hot Baby Roy was invited (his side of the story). Then when I was leaving the bin out I bumped into Princess Cheetara (who I'm crushing on):

"any ideas yet what the three of you are going as?"

I asked her what she meant and she said

"The party, next week."

I made some excuse about it being morning and me forgetting then she suggested the three muskateers. I was well pissed off with Hot Baby Roy and told him (in a polite way) that Princess Cheetara had said the invitation was for me and Wino Jo too. He looked so disapointed (more when he looked at Wino Jo, who had a big red happy face).

Anyway Liverpool's newest fans are down in the livingroom now working out how they're going to perform The Anfield Rap at the party.



They're arguing now because neither of them want to be Bruce Grobbelaar because apparently his rap is shit. Hint lads: the whole thing is shit and this is going to end badly for yous.

Wino Jo's Crafty Plan

I woke up the other day to find Wino Jo staring at me all bug eyed and smiling.

I asked him what was up and he said that he had fallen in love with this beautiful blonde who lives next door.

I didn't want to break his alcohol/love enlarged heart and tell him that Princess Cheetara was my own one. So I nodded politely.

He told me that this was the thing he needed to help him focus and stay off the bad booze.

This threw up a bit of a dilema because when he sees me walking hand in hand with her along the Lagan Embankment he'll be back under a bridge with a bottle of Scabby Nettle Cider in no time.

He says that Hot Baby Roy is good friends (he rolled his eyes at this) with The Raven Princess Spandex and that he was going to use Hot Baby Roy to get himself close to Princess Cheetara. He sat and sniggered while he talked of how he can't stand Hot Baby Roy and his boring talk of pee the bed mineral and his shit movies but he's been paying him compliments all day and this is his clever plan and when he gets with Princess Cheetara he'll tell Hot Baby Roy what he really thinks of him and spoil his chances, what little ones he has, with The Raven Princess Spandex so that I can have her if I want.

I smiled and nodded because to tell you the truth this is all going to end with someones balls getting kicked up into their mouth and it won't be mine.

The Raven Princess Spandex Visits

Working on the assumption that Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo now live with me, The Raven Princess Spandex was our first foot of the year and she didn't bring money, coal or shortbread like she's supposed to. I'm hoping that her beauty is the good luck we need, or I need.

She was a bit strange with me, probably because last time I saw her I boked on myself. She didn't mention it and I felt that I shouldn't.

She asked if Hot Baby Roy was in and I told her that he wasn't. Even though he was up in his bed sleeping. It reminds me of last year when Fabian Wildman and Betty Blue were together and fucking all over the house even though Hot Baby Roy and The Raven Princess Spandex haven't fucked yet (so far as I know).

He keeps saying he's going to visit sex shops on Gresham St and buy a whip for her to hurt him with. I offered him a baseball bat and he considered it but no.

I asked him if they were a couple and he said not yet. I asked him about Princess Cheetara and he says if I leave her for a while she might get me mixed up with Wino Jo and then I can that it was him and not me that boked on himself but for now that door was closed.

I think he wants them both for himself and if he gets them both he'll be getting a round or two with the baseball bat from me.

My Cool Plans Backfire

Wino Jo was in a terrible state this morning. When I came down the stairs he was sitting shaking and drinking a big mug of black coffee.

"I think I'm back on the drink," he said.

"Why's that?" I said looking into his battered tear stained face.

"I've taken a terrible kicking, I must have been pished as fuck last night. I don't remember a thing."

I felt terrible. The kicking was meant to put him in his place, not make him think he's having blackouts.

It's the The Raven Princess Spandex and Princess Cheetara's party tonight and now I can't bring Wino Jo and I can't leave him alone because he was telling me he was going to go and down a bottle of Joop.

Now I'm going to have to let Hot Baby Roy go on his own and fuck things up for us.

Hot Baby Roy Talks Ego

Hot Baby Roy was up this morning when I was getting ready to go to work. He said he was taking Battle Cat for an extra special long walk. Battle Cat looked really happy, wagging his tail and thumping it off the floor. Hot Baby Roy looked worried.

He said that we need to make sure that we look cool at this party too and that we need to get new outfits. I told him I'd no money. He said there was a time that wouldn't have stopped me.

He also said we needed to make sure we knew about all the latest stuff in the charts because the Leotard Girls would want guys who knew about stuff like the Saturdays. Especially The Raven Princess Spandex (the black haired one who Hot Baby Roy says I have to like best because he likes Princess Cheetara best (the blonde one)).

He told me about a girl group called the Saturdays and how in their new video they were dressed as superheroines. He says his favourites are Rochelle and Frankie because they used to be in the S Club Juniors, then he saw the look of suspicion on my face and shouted "S Club 8! I mean S Club 8!"

Then he showed me the vid for their new song Ego. I know the bastard's going to wank all round the house to it after I've gone to work.