Rock and Roll is Here To Stay

The Sweaty Metallers called round today to ask if I wanted to go to a heavy metal vomit party and I made up some excuse not to go because I was too pissed off, all that screaming and acting cool for nothing. I'd just be nobody at one of those parties. I wouldn't be able to look any of the cool dudes in the eye and I wouldn't be getting any hot metal girls.

Fabian Wildman said I should go, just to say there's no hard feelings and I might meet some people who want to start up a band. I told him that I always felt like a fake in the band and I didn't know how to sing. He shrugged and says it'd beat staying home, so I went.

I walked into the party and asked if anyone wanted to start a band with me and no one said anything. I was relegated to talking to this guy who had nothing to say for himself other than "I have a prince albert" and "my wife didn't leave me, I left her." It was so depressing I went upstairs to see what I could steal.

I was going through a girls make up bag for money when she came upon me, she looked really shocked like she was going to scream the house down.

"Mind if I borrow your lipstick?" I asked.

This changed everything, five minutes later we were plastered in her lipstick and getting it on ontop of loads of coats.

I boked in her mouth and she boked in mine it was so beautiful. Then after it all she said:

"It's great the way you can just cop off with people at these parties and it doesn't mean anything."

Just as I'd my phone out to take her number. I quietly put it back in my pocket and cried silently as she left the room.

One day I'll find what I'm looking for, but last night I couldn't find anything, not even a tenner or a mobile in one person's coat. I must be losing my touch.

I have cool things on my mind

Sorry I haven't posted much this week. I've been lying in bed wanking away about the yankie doodle dandy. It made me think I've got to go and get me a girlfriend, one who makes me feel cool all the time!

I asked Fabian Wildman if he wanted to go to a rock and roll vomit party where I could meet ladies of questionable age and gender.

He told me he wouldn't because you're no one at those parties if you can't play guitar or bongos and don't have a Prince Albert.

I screamed the house down. This just isn't fair. I've wasted all my time smoking crack and feeling lonely and cool while geeks have been up in their bedrooms learning cool tunes or out getting their willies pierced.

The Sweaty Metallers and Mr Spoon came round to ask me to keep it down but I just stood in the hall screaming and balling my eyes out.

One of the Sweaty Metallers gave me a big hug and said I must be a nice guy and that he liked my scream. He said he wants me to sing for his Sweaty Metal band and that we'd never stop having Rock and Roll Vomit Parties.

This is the beginning of cool times!