I was going to post up the funny crap inside The Suicide Diaries but instead I went for a walk with a nice bottle of pink champaigne down the Lagan Meadows. I should really describe the Lagan Meadows to some of you after all this time. It starts in Stranmillis in South Belfast and cuts an upside down V all the way out to Lisburn (not a fucking) City. It's great because it feels like you've walked for miles out into the countryside but you're never really further than a mile away from some houses.
So there I was down there when I ran into Rock and Roll Stephen, he was balling his eyes out and saying that The Indie Kid leaving was like Pete and Carl going their seperate ways.
I said that he'd be happier wanking off cows, he was a country boy really and all this roley smoking posturing was fucking him up. He didn't know how to do one and now he can't remember how to do the other.
He told me I better get out of here because an enemy was on the way. He fixed me a steely stare and spat on the ground.
Suddenly Clarence Pishflap and the Unicorn Girl came into view.
"Hello Clarence Pishflap and The Unicorn Girl," I said.
The Unicorn Girl gave me a big hug and called me the truster of poems. Clarence growled. I asked him if he was still wanting to beat Hot Baby Roy up and he said that he was going to meet up with him at a later date and knuckles were going to bleed.
"My knuckles will bleed," he screamed before falling to the ground screaming.
"Stop acting like a fucking wanker," The Unicorn Girl shouted at him. "I've told you it doesn't fucking impress me."
She stormed off up the path, he stood up and ran after her shouting apologies.
Rock and Roll Stephen laughed. It was nice to see him happy. He laughed as he walked down into the meadows singing Libertines songs to himself. I don't think he'll miss The Indie Kid all that much.
Showing posts with label clarence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label clarence. Show all posts
Sunday, 4 July 2010
Monday, 3 May 2010
Being Threatened with a Big Violent Dog
I've changed the look of the blog, just felt after a year and a half that I'd do some redecorating. Some like it, some aren't sure. I suppose it's like when Doctor Who regenerates and the fans say "He'll never be like (insert the previous Doctor)." But then the new Doctor does extra-cool super dooper shit in the next episode and everyone thinks they is da bomb (or thereabouts).
Me and Hot Baby Roy were watching the new Doctor Who the other night on iPlayer and thinking that this has been Matt Smith's best episode yet. Hot Baby Roy became visably excited when Amy Pond tried it on with him but was really fucking angry when he said no. He started shouting at the telly that if he'd have Billie Piper he shouldn't turn his fucking nose up at Karen Gillan.
I had to explain that it was a different Doctor so different tastes. Hot Baby Roy said bullshit and stormed off upstairs.
I took Battle Cat out for a walk and bumped into Clarence Pishflap at the bottom of the street. He asked if Hot Baby Roy was in. I asked him who wanted to know.
He told me that he was going to batter Hot Baby Roy for what he did to Rock and Roll Stephen.
"I thought you were supposed to be Hot Baby Roy's friend." I said.
"I was but he's trying to fuck it up for me with The Unicorn Girl, going round beating up her friends. Who the fuck does he think he is?"
"He thinks he's Hot Baby Roy," I said, then I realised I sounded like a dick. "Listen if you hit him I'll break your face."
"There's not just me going to hit him. There's Mother of Bowling Ball too. You'd best let me beat him up unless you want to feel his violence and all."
"Mother of Bowling Ball? I destroyed him with one punch last year. We're not scared of him, you and him. You're going to go home now and me and Battle Cat will follow you at a distance for a bit, just to make sure you're out of the area."
He protested but Battle Cat started snarling. He didn't like that. He snarled back but walk off in defeat.
As a parting shot he said: "I'm not going home, I'm going to see The Unicorn Girl."
Fuck him, at another point I'll get him for that but I'm starting to wonder, with Clarence Pishflap, Mother of Bowling Ball and The Death Owl all coming back into the picture I need to watch my back.
Me and Hot Baby Roy were watching the new Doctor Who the other night on iPlayer and thinking that this has been Matt Smith's best episode yet. Hot Baby Roy became visably excited when Amy Pond tried it on with him but was really fucking angry when he said no. He started shouting at the telly that if he'd have Billie Piper he shouldn't turn his fucking nose up at Karen Gillan.
I had to explain that it was a different Doctor so different tastes. Hot Baby Roy said bullshit and stormed off upstairs.
I took Battle Cat out for a walk and bumped into Clarence Pishflap at the bottom of the street. He asked if Hot Baby Roy was in. I asked him who wanted to know.
He told me that he was going to batter Hot Baby Roy for what he did to Rock and Roll Stephen.
"I thought you were supposed to be Hot Baby Roy's friend." I said.
"I was but he's trying to fuck it up for me with The Unicorn Girl, going round beating up her friends. Who the fuck does he think he is?"
"He thinks he's Hot Baby Roy," I said, then I realised I sounded like a dick. "Listen if you hit him I'll break your face."
"There's not just me going to hit him. There's Mother of Bowling Ball too. You'd best let me beat him up unless you want to feel his violence and all."
"Mother of Bowling Ball? I destroyed him with one punch last year. We're not scared of him, you and him. You're going to go home now and me and Battle Cat will follow you at a distance for a bit, just to make sure you're out of the area."
He protested but Battle Cat started snarling. He didn't like that. He snarled back but walk off in defeat.
As a parting shot he said: "I'm not going home, I'm going to see The Unicorn Girl."
Fuck him, at another point I'll get him for that but I'm starting to wonder, with Clarence Pishflap, Mother of Bowling Ball and The Death Owl all coming back into the picture I need to watch my back.
Friday, 9 April 2010
Lonely Lagan Meadows
I managed to get enough from my robbing for some sweet bottles of pink champaigne yesterday. I said to Hot Baby Roy that me and him should go and see if we could bump into the Unicorn Girl and he said that he didn't want to sit and talk to Clarence anymore because Clarence always tried to make fun of him to impress girls.
I told him that I could beat Clarence up and that he always cowered in fear whenever I was close.
Hot Baby Roy said that this was balls because he wanted to be his own man, not just looking to me everytime Clarence mentioned Fanta pubes.
I told him to please himself, so he stayed in with the weights set while I walked around being a fey drunk. I sat for hours down by the Lagan thinking about romantic or heroic things I could say to The Unicorn Girl when she came near but I was there on my own all that time. I walked a bit farther into the Lagan Meadows hoping to find her but all I find was that some bastard had written Tuesday Kid is a Bastard on a bench with a pen knife. I was touched to find that some one else (probably a street wise kid) had scratched it through and written Tuesday Kid will win before you beneath it. My money is on the street kid. I'm glad he wasn't there to see my tears or my pride.
I told him that I could beat Clarence up and that he always cowered in fear whenever I was close.
Hot Baby Roy said that this was balls because he wanted to be his own man, not just looking to me everytime Clarence mentioned Fanta pubes.
I told him to please himself, so he stayed in with the weights set while I walked around being a fey drunk. I sat for hours down by the Lagan thinking about romantic or heroic things I could say to The Unicorn Girl when she came near but I was there on my own all that time. I walked a bit farther into the Lagan Meadows hoping to find her but all I find was that some bastard had written Tuesday Kid is a Bastard on a bench with a pen knife. I was touched to find that some one else (probably a street wise kid) had scratched it through and written Tuesday Kid will win before you beneath it. My money is on the street kid. I'm glad he wasn't there to see my tears or my pride.
Thursday, 25 March 2010
Rock and Roll Stephen is Back in Action
Last night I took Hot Baby Roll on a pink champaigne swigging adventure down by the Lagan Meadows. We bumped into Rock and Roll Stephen, Clarence Pishflap, The Unicorn Girl and the girl that Rock and Roll Stephen was trying to steal from another man.
The Unicorn Girl immediately told Clarence Pishflap about my making her cry the last time we saw each other. Clarence looked warily at me like he knew any foolish act of heroism could blow the Clarence The Protector ruse he's been casting for weeks.
"I hurt my arm lifting weights today," he said, rubbing his arm. The left soon after. Clarence looked back at me resentfully and drew a finger across his throat. I flexed my bicep at him in the manner Avril Lavigne used to in the early stages of her punk rock career, only mine were much bigger and dangerous.
Once they were away Hot Baby Roy pulled me to the side and asked if I'd help beat up Rock and Roll Stephen. I told him that I didn't want to hit Rock and Roll Stephen. Hot Baby Roy said it was okay he didn't need to win he just needed to fuck up his face.
Back at the bench Rock and Roll Stephen had his new teeth out in some style and was making up for gummy months by giving it all that about how into feminism he was and was rhyming off this big long swab of bullshit he'd no doubt prepared for this moment.
Here's how it went:
"Feminists, man. I sometimes feel embarrased being a man because we can be so shit to girls, women, I mean women. But we're not the only ones I mean women don't know how far ahead they are sometimes. I mean take Marilyn Monroe, a lot of women see her as a ditsy blonde, a bad role model for other women but still there were pictures of her published while she was still alive that show her reading James Joyce's Ulysees and weightlifting."
Hot Baby Roy rubbed his groin. "Power and brains," he breathed.
"But me," continued Rock and Roll Stephen. "I respect women, I respect you."
Then he leaned in for the kiss but the girl was having none of it. She hit him a slap and stormed off.
"What can I say?" said Rock and Roll Stephen. "It must just be my reputation. I have a reputation for breaking hearts. But I'm trying to change."
Some guy came up to us then and asked who was Rock and Roll Stephen. Rock and Roll Stephen meekly held up a finger in fear. The guy punched him in the side of the jaw and walked off.
When Rock and Roll Stephen opened his mouth next his shiney new teeth came crumbling out and he fled in tears.
Rock and Roll Stephen last night
The Unicorn Girl immediately told Clarence Pishflap about my making her cry the last time we saw each other. Clarence looked warily at me like he knew any foolish act of heroism could blow the Clarence The Protector ruse he's been casting for weeks.
"I hurt my arm lifting weights today," he said, rubbing his arm. The left soon after. Clarence looked back at me resentfully and drew a finger across his throat. I flexed my bicep at him in the manner Avril Lavigne used to in the early stages of her punk rock career, only mine were much bigger and dangerous.
Once they were away Hot Baby Roy pulled me to the side and asked if I'd help beat up Rock and Roll Stephen. I told him that I didn't want to hit Rock and Roll Stephen. Hot Baby Roy said it was okay he didn't need to win he just needed to fuck up his face.
Back at the bench Rock and Roll Stephen had his new teeth out in some style and was making up for gummy months by giving it all that about how into feminism he was and was rhyming off this big long swab of bullshit he'd no doubt prepared for this moment.
Here's how it went:
"Feminists, man. I sometimes feel embarrased being a man because we can be so shit to girls, women, I mean women. But we're not the only ones I mean women don't know how far ahead they are sometimes. I mean take Marilyn Monroe, a lot of women see her as a ditsy blonde, a bad role model for other women but still there were pictures of her published while she was still alive that show her reading James Joyce's Ulysees and weightlifting."
Hot Baby Roy rubbed his groin. "Power and brains," he breathed.
"But me," continued Rock and Roll Stephen. "I respect women, I respect you."
Then he leaned in for the kiss but the girl was having none of it. She hit him a slap and stormed off.
"What can I say?" said Rock and Roll Stephen. "It must just be my reputation. I have a reputation for breaking hearts. But I'm trying to change."
Some guy came up to us then and asked who was Rock and Roll Stephen. Rock and Roll Stephen meekly held up a finger in fear. The guy punched him in the side of the jaw and walked off.
When Rock and Roll Stephen opened his mouth next his shiney new teeth came crumbling out and he fled in tears.
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
Unicorns Aren't Extinct Yet
I went down the Lagan Meadows last night with a bottle of pink champaigne. The optimism of Spring didn't last it seems.
There were some people sitting at the mouth of the meadows all having a laugh. I was feeling jealous until I heard my name shouted.
I went over and it was Rock and Roll Stephen, The Indie Kid, Clarence Pishflap and The Unicorn Girl.
The Indie Kid was saying that he was trying to get Rock and Roll Stephen back into singing because he'd written more songs about The Smoker and they needed to be sung.
"About that," I said to The Indie Kid. "I don't like you writing songs about me."
"They're not about you," he said. "They're about Fabian Wildman."
"How the fuck are they about Fabian Wildman?" I said.
He didn't get a chance to reply because The Unicorn Girl sat bolt upright and started offloading about what a bastard Fabian Wildman had been when he was living with her and her mates. He started smoking crack and tried it on with loads of girls behind Betty Blue and broke poor Betty Blue's heart, and that I was a bastard by proxy.
I told her that I hadn't seen Fabian Wildman in months and that I liked Betty Blue and I felt bad about what he did, and for some reason I found myself half defending him. I told her that he goes through phases where he fucks everything up but that he helped me give up crack and I'll always thank him for it.
She kept on saying he was a bastard and I told her that Betty Blue used to take me clothes shopping in the second hands and that I hoped she was doing okay even though Fabian Wildman had been a fucker to her.
Clarence Pishflap who'd been strangely silent up til that point said that I was upsetting The Unicorn Girl and that him and her were going to go.
The Unicorn Girl said she was sitting where she was.
Rock and Roll Stephen broke the tension by asking me if I knew anything about how to get false teeth. The Unicorn Girl didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening but it's progress of sorts.
There were some people sitting at the mouth of the meadows all having a laugh. I was feeling jealous until I heard my name shouted.
I went over and it was Rock and Roll Stephen, The Indie Kid, Clarence Pishflap and The Unicorn Girl.
The Indie Kid was saying that he was trying to get Rock and Roll Stephen back into singing because he'd written more songs about The Smoker and they needed to be sung.
"About that," I said to The Indie Kid. "I don't like you writing songs about me."
"They're not about you," he said. "They're about Fabian Wildman."
"How the fuck are they about Fabian Wildman?" I said.
He didn't get a chance to reply because The Unicorn Girl sat bolt upright and started offloading about what a bastard Fabian Wildman had been when he was living with her and her mates. He started smoking crack and tried it on with loads of girls behind Betty Blue and broke poor Betty Blue's heart, and that I was a bastard by proxy.
I told her that I hadn't seen Fabian Wildman in months and that I liked Betty Blue and I felt bad about what he did, and for some reason I found myself half defending him. I told her that he goes through phases where he fucks everything up but that he helped me give up crack and I'll always thank him for it.
She kept on saying he was a bastard and I told her that Betty Blue used to take me clothes shopping in the second hands and that I hoped she was doing okay even though Fabian Wildman had been a fucker to her.
Clarence Pishflap who'd been strangely silent up til that point said that I was upsetting The Unicorn Girl and that him and her were going to go.
The Unicorn Girl said she was sitting where she was.
Rock and Roll Stephen broke the tension by asking me if I knew anything about how to get false teeth. The Unicorn Girl didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening but it's progress of sorts.
Tuesday, 2 March 2010
Dark Eyes Follow Me
I woke up on the couch this morning to find someone stomping around upstairs. I fetched the baseball bat from the cupboard under the stairs and went up to find Hot Baby Roy tidying up. I asked him what he was at.
He said the house was in a bit of a mess and he was sorting things out. I asked him where he'd been. He said he was staying for a few nights at Clarence Pishflap's. I asked if the Unicorn Girl was there too, and he burst out laughing. I told him that Clarence and he were an item and that I thought she was too good for him.
He said that Clarence wished they were an item because when she's round Clarence is always making her cups of tea and listening to her talk about indie boys that have wronged her and telling her she should leave boys alone and get with a "real man," by that he means himself.
Hot Baby Roy said that one night the Unicorn Girl fell asleep as Clarence was comforting her on the couch (no sex implied) and that when he, Hot Baby Roy walked into the room Clarence was rocking her gently and sniffling. He was implanting subliminal messages, saying "You fancy me, Clarence: a real man," softly in her ear. That's the only night she ever spent at his and Clarence said the next morning that he will never say if they had sex or not because "a gentleman never tells," even though nobody asked.
Hot Baby Roy said that he was fed up with Clarence and had seen him for the sad case he was. He also said that Clarence had bought ninja stars and kept saying he was going to embed them into my skull. And that Clarence had been following me around town when I was wankered out of my face and sometimes deep into the Lagan Meadows as night. Watching for a sign of my weakness, he nearly had me the other night but Rock and Roll Stephen was stroking my hair while I slept (yuk) and Clarence had to go home to change his catheter before it overflowed.
I told him that I wasn't bothered. If Clarence beat me in a dream he'd better wake up and apologise. I felt a bit silly for saying this and Hot Baby Roy politely stared at the floor.
He said the house was in a bit of a mess and he was sorting things out. I asked him where he'd been. He said he was staying for a few nights at Clarence Pishflap's. I asked if the Unicorn Girl was there too, and he burst out laughing. I told him that Clarence and he were an item and that I thought she was too good for him.
He said that Clarence wished they were an item because when she's round Clarence is always making her cups of tea and listening to her talk about indie boys that have wronged her and telling her she should leave boys alone and get with a "real man," by that he means himself.
Hot Baby Roy said that one night the Unicorn Girl fell asleep as Clarence was comforting her on the couch (no sex implied) and that when he, Hot Baby Roy walked into the room Clarence was rocking her gently and sniffling. He was implanting subliminal messages, saying "You fancy me, Clarence: a real man," softly in her ear. That's the only night she ever spent at his and Clarence said the next morning that he will never say if they had sex or not because "a gentleman never tells," even though nobody asked.
Hot Baby Roy said that he was fed up with Clarence and had seen him for the sad case he was. He also said that Clarence had bought ninja stars and kept saying he was going to embed them into my skull. And that Clarence had been following me around town when I was wankered out of my face and sometimes deep into the Lagan Meadows as night. Watching for a sign of my weakness, he nearly had me the other night but Rock and Roll Stephen was stroking my hair while I slept (yuk) and Clarence had to go home to change his catheter before it overflowed.
I told him that I wasn't bothered. If Clarence beat me in a dream he'd better wake up and apologise. I felt a bit silly for saying this and Hot Baby Roy politely stared at the floor.
Saturday, 27 February 2010
Pain
At the back of the carpark on Tomb St where sk8rkids huff paintball pellets and drink Solschenizyn (brown lemonade, schnapps and a dash of Fanta), was Rock and Roll Stephen, the Unicorn Girl and Clarence Pishflap.
"This isn't your usual place," I said to them. "Your gang don't roam here, what's the story?"
Clarence Pishflap spat and said to the Unicorn Girl that my mate Fabian Wildman was the one who broke her friend Betty Blue's heart.
The Unicorn Girl looked at me and said that I should maybe leave because she won't speak to friends who hurt other friends.
I told her I hadn't seen Fabian Wildman in ages and that I was a free man and could go round Belfast wherever I wanted.
Clarence Pishflap said that him and the Unicorn Girl were off and they left, Rock and Roll Stephen looked sad so I offered him some pink Champaigne.
He blew air out his flapping lips and said that he didn't need to teeth to tell me that Clarence was putting moves on the Unicorn Girl and that I was out of the picture.
I told him I hadn't seen or even thought about the Unicorn Girl in months and that my neighbours wore leotards all day long, and sometimes so did I.
"I know," he said sadly, and I remembered how he lost his teeth.
We sat in silence and I fell asleep, when I woke up he wasn't there. It was only me.
"This isn't your usual place," I said to them. "Your gang don't roam here, what's the story?"
Clarence Pishflap spat and said to the Unicorn Girl that my mate Fabian Wildman was the one who broke her friend Betty Blue's heart.
The Unicorn Girl looked at me and said that I should maybe leave because she won't speak to friends who hurt other friends.
I told her I hadn't seen Fabian Wildman in ages and that I was a free man and could go round Belfast wherever I wanted.
Clarence Pishflap said that him and the Unicorn Girl were off and they left, Rock and Roll Stephen looked sad so I offered him some pink Champaigne.
He blew air out his flapping lips and said that he didn't need to teeth to tell me that Clarence was putting moves on the Unicorn Girl and that I was out of the picture.
I told him I hadn't seen or even thought about the Unicorn Girl in months and that my neighbours wore leotards all day long, and sometimes so did I.
"I know," he said sadly, and I remembered how he lost his teeth.
We sat in silence and I fell asleep, when I woke up he wasn't there. It was only me.
Friday, 12 February 2010
A Good Old Scrap
Hot Baby Roy is back on the booze. I found him last night sprawled on his back with a big smile on his face and a bottle of Scrumpy Jack cuddled in his arms. Hot Baby Roy was lining his dick up with his nose (Hot Baby Roy's dick, Wino Jo's nose) and trying to take photos of it. Hot Baby Roy looked startled and he'd every right to be because I was going to kick his arse out of the house for that.
Then Hot Baby Roy's old pal Clarence sprung up from behind the sofa telling me that he had been taking lessons in chinese gung-fu and was going to whoop my ass for what I did to him last year.
He tried some big Jean Claude Van Damme roundhouse and managed to knock a potted plant flying just before I slapped his pussy ass all round my living room.
With Clarence booted out on the street I couldn't be arsed telling Hot Baby Roy to leave, him or Wino Jo but I'm thinking that I should just tell both of them to get out to fuck.
Then Hot Baby Roy's old pal Clarence sprung up from behind the sofa telling me that he had been taking lessons in chinese gung-fu and was going to whoop my ass for what I did to him last year.
He tried some big Jean Claude Van Damme roundhouse and managed to knock a potted plant flying just before I slapped his pussy ass all round my living room.
With Clarence booted out on the street I couldn't be arsed telling Hot Baby Roy to leave, him or Wino Jo but I'm thinking that I should just tell both of them to get out to fuck.
Wednesday, 9 September 2009
Fabian Wildman's Leaving Party
Last night was Fabian Wildman's leaving party. Of course, I was one of the first people on the scene. Me Fabian and Betty Blue tucked into the wine while we waited for the guests to arrive. I gave Fabian his book on 20th Century art and he blurted out that he'd been reading this in the morning when he'd stayed over at Betty Blue's.
I felt like my shoplifting had been for nothing. It really sucked. I decided to get pished on the wine and threw a lot of it in me without offering anyone else a glass. Anyways, the next person to arrive was Hot Baby Roy and there was a bit of a drama there. Hot Baby Roy had bought Fabian Wildman 10 Things I Hate About You as a present and Fabian was trying (quite forcibly, but politely) to tell Hot Baby Roy that he didn't want it. Hot Baby Roy was most upset and accused Fabian Wildman of acting like that because of his girlfriend being present and that he remembered the two of them getting high as kites and watching The Babysitter's Club and singing the 'what do you wanna eat?' rhyme for days.
Fabian Wildman said he would not hear such stories told in front of his girlfriend and asked Hot Baby Roy to leave. Hot Baby Roy left all teary eyed.
Then Stanley, Sandcastles and The Unicorn Girl showed up. I thought at that moment that the party might rock, ever so slightly but all three of them stayed distant from me.
Rock and Roll Stephen showed up (it turns out that him and Sandcastles go way back or some such bollocks). Sandcastles showed us how she could recite all the first series of Black Books and most of the second. It sounded a lot less funny when she said it but Stanly and The Unicorn Girl howled with laughter.
Then Clarence and Hot Baby Roy showed up. Hot Baby Roy was screaming about how he'd been wronged, and Clarence put his hand through a window (he put his fist really) and was standing giving all that to the Unicorn Girl like it was no pain when me and Fabian grabbed him and dragged him into the back yard and kicked the shite out of him.
Fabian was a bit more pissed at this stage and said to Hot Baby Roy that he could stay. Hot Baby Roy was so happy. Fabian told him he thinks he should move in, and Hot Baby Roy looked all embarrassed and said he didn't want to live with a violent druggie because he liked me but I'd a bad rap.
The arty pals all nodded and said that I hit poor Postman Pat and that Mother of Bowling Ball was going to kick my head in. I told them that he'd be found drinking a cup of his own pish in my wardrobe if he tried. They all went silent apart from Sandcastles, who started to cry. Fabian Wildman just stood there wide eyed and didn't even stick up for me.
Shite fucking Party.
I felt like my shoplifting had been for nothing. It really sucked. I decided to get pished on the wine and threw a lot of it in me without offering anyone else a glass. Anyways, the next person to arrive was Hot Baby Roy and there was a bit of a drama there. Hot Baby Roy had bought Fabian Wildman 10 Things I Hate About You as a present and Fabian was trying (quite forcibly, but politely) to tell Hot Baby Roy that he didn't want it. Hot Baby Roy was most upset and accused Fabian Wildman of acting like that because of his girlfriend being present and that he remembered the two of them getting high as kites and watching The Babysitter's Club and singing the 'what do you wanna eat?' rhyme for days.
Fabian Wildman said he would not hear such stories told in front of his girlfriend and asked Hot Baby Roy to leave. Hot Baby Roy left all teary eyed.
Then Stanley, Sandcastles and The Unicorn Girl showed up. I thought at that moment that the party might rock, ever so slightly but all three of them stayed distant from me.
Rock and Roll Stephen showed up (it turns out that him and Sandcastles go way back or some such bollocks). Sandcastles showed us how she could recite all the first series of Black Books and most of the second. It sounded a lot less funny when she said it but Stanly and The Unicorn Girl howled with laughter.
Then Clarence and Hot Baby Roy showed up. Hot Baby Roy was screaming about how he'd been wronged, and Clarence put his hand through a window (he put his fist really) and was standing giving all that to the Unicorn Girl like it was no pain when me and Fabian grabbed him and dragged him into the back yard and kicked the shite out of him.
Fabian was a bit more pissed at this stage and said to Hot Baby Roy that he could stay. Hot Baby Roy was so happy. Fabian told him he thinks he should move in, and Hot Baby Roy looked all embarrassed and said he didn't want to live with a violent druggie because he liked me but I'd a bad rap.
The arty pals all nodded and said that I hit poor Postman Pat and that Mother of Bowling Ball was going to kick my head in. I told them that he'd be found drinking a cup of his own pish in my wardrobe if he tried. They all went silent apart from Sandcastles, who started to cry. Fabian Wildman just stood there wide eyed and didn't even stick up for me.
Shite fucking Party.
Sunday, 23 August 2009
A Long Fucking Day
Yesterday was a weird one. Firstly it was my fruitarian brother's birthday. I haven't heard anything from any of them since my "intervention" so I didn't really know what to do. In the end I sent him a text and I got one back saying some balls about how he's thinking of going off meat again. I'll look forward to missing this intervention.
Secondly one of the sweaty metallers moved out. There was loads of shouting about how the other was "a spandex licking mutherfucker" mutherfucker was emphasised in that way that metallers sometimes do when they're wanting to get extra metal about something.
Fabian's thinking he might move in there. I think he should just stay here. The cops haven't been round in ages.
I asked him why didn't bring round Sandcastles and The Unicorn Girl again. He said that they'd been scared off by Hot Baby Roy and especially Clarence. Clarence told the Unicorn Girl that he liked to get drunk at the weekends and slap the fuck out of indie kids. Me and good king thumpo did this once but I didn't say. Fabian saw I looked upset but he didn't know why. He said he was seeing them again tonight and he'd say to them about maybe calling round again.
After he left Hot Baby Roy called round in tears saying that he couldn't find his Bratz DVD, he'd left it here but I was so pissed off I told him I hadn't seen it. He said he was going to bring round Wild Child someday soon because there was a hot dance routine in it, he saw I wasn't impressed so he added, "and there's stuff about emotions and friendship in it too."
Secondly one of the sweaty metallers moved out. There was loads of shouting about how the other was "a spandex licking mutherfucker" mutherfucker was emphasised in that way that metallers sometimes do when they're wanting to get extra metal about something.
Fabian's thinking he might move in there. I think he should just stay here. The cops haven't been round in ages.
I asked him why didn't bring round Sandcastles and The Unicorn Girl again. He said that they'd been scared off by Hot Baby Roy and especially Clarence. Clarence told the Unicorn Girl that he liked to get drunk at the weekends and slap the fuck out of indie kids. Me and good king thumpo did this once but I didn't say. Fabian saw I looked upset but he didn't know why. He said he was seeing them again tonight and he'd say to them about maybe calling round again.
After he left Hot Baby Roy called round in tears saying that he couldn't find his Bratz DVD, he'd left it here but I was so pissed off I told him I hadn't seen it. He said he was going to bring round Wild Child someday soon because there was a hot dance routine in it, he saw I wasn't impressed so he added, "and there's stuff about emotions and friendship in it too."
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
Fabian Wildman is Sick, and I'm Sad
Being skint is even worse when you get sick, and Fabian has the sniffles. I blame that bastard Clarence for us waking up in a cold house. Anyways because he was sick and didn't want to go outside it was up to me to go out and steal him some honey and Lemsips. It's a lot different shop lifting when you're not on crack, because when I was on crack I just lifted stuff and away I went but now I'm sober I'm all paranoid and walk round the shop about ten times trying to work out who's a store detective. It's pure balls I had to go to a supermarket because they keep the lemsips behind the counter in most of the wee shops round our way.
After getting home with all my goodies I found that Betty Blue had come round to play nurse for poor Fabian. It made me all glum because she already had lemsips and honey and I just had to take Battle Cat for a long walk. I asked him if he thought I'd ever find a girlfriend. He didn't answer but then again he probably didn't understand the question.
After getting home with all my goodies I found that Betty Blue had come round to play nurse for poor Fabian. It made me all glum because she already had lemsips and honey and I just had to take Battle Cat for a long walk. I asked him if he thought I'd ever find a girlfriend. He didn't answer but then again he probably didn't understand the question.
Sunday, 16 August 2009
An Unwelcome Guest
I woke up this morning and the house was freezing. I went downstairs to find Clarence lying on the livingroom floor clutching an empty vodka bottle in one hand and rubbing his crotch slowly with the other. He'd Hot Baby Roy's Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging DVD tucked under one arm. It was rotten looking.
"Clarence, how'd you get in here?" I asked.
He just groaned.
Fabian Wildman came down stairs asking why the house was so cold. He said he didn't know how Clarence got in, then we discovered that he'd kicked the back door in while we'd been sleeping.
My first thought was Battle Cat, if he'd ran away again, Clarence was dead meat. I ran out into the back to find him lazing about in the garden. Clarence had left the back gate open. Bastard.
I shut the gate and ran back inside.
Fabian Wildman was already going through Clarence's pockets for money. He shook his head at me to say there wasn't any.
"Who does this bastard think he is?" he said. "This is our home."
It was touching to hear that Fabian Wildman still thinks of this place as his home. We gave Clarence a few gentle shakes to wake him up, then after asking how he was feeling, me and Fabian Wildman beat the shite out of him.
"Clarence, how'd you get in here?" I asked.
He just groaned.
Fabian Wildman came down stairs asking why the house was so cold. He said he didn't know how Clarence got in, then we discovered that he'd kicked the back door in while we'd been sleeping.
My first thought was Battle Cat, if he'd ran away again, Clarence was dead meat. I ran out into the back to find him lazing about in the garden. Clarence had left the back gate open. Bastard.
I shut the gate and ran back inside.
Fabian Wildman was already going through Clarence's pockets for money. He shook his head at me to say there wasn't any.
"Who does this bastard think he is?" he said. "This is our home."
It was touching to hear that Fabian Wildman still thinks of this place as his home. We gave Clarence a few gentle shakes to wake him up, then after asking how he was feeling, me and Fabian Wildman beat the shite out of him.
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Clarence Rubs His Crotch
I was sitting in the living room today when I heard a knock at the door. It turned out it was Clarence. I didn't know whether to let him in or not but one of the upstairs windows were open and I could see him eyeing it up. He walked over to the drainpipe and started pulling at it, like he was seeing if it would take his weight.
I opened the door to him.
"Nice drain pipe," he said cheerily.
"Aye, I like it a lot," I said. "What can I do for you Clarence?"
He stood their rubbing his crotch and asked me if I'd the number for the Unicorn Girl.
"No, I don't," I said. "You should leave her alone, her heart is pure, yours is mucky."
He snarled at me and snapped that he wanted a sweetheart and it was time Clarence stepped into the limelight!
He said that he would take her shopping and they could drink vodka in the park and she could rub his crotch when he was too tired to wank. It was all he wanted and I shouldn't try to stand in his way. Or he would figure out a way to destroy me.
I told him to eat his own fuck and leave me out of it.
He said he could prove he was nice. I should hang out with him and I'd see he just has a bad rep.
I said okay, maybe me and him could go to the pub quiz Hot Baby Roy runs down at the Rangers Supporters Club on Sandy Row.
He snorted at this and said Hot Baby Roy did nothing of the sort, that he wanted to run a pub quiz and he often talked at great length about how running his own pub quiz would be his one true dream, just like Clarence wanted a sweetheart, but that no one was going to trust a jittery fool like Hot Baby Roy with such responsibility. So Hot Baby Roy has been lying to people about it.
I told Clarence that stories like that are the reason he wasn't getting the Unicorn Girl's number, the real reason is that I fancy a go at her myself.
I opened the door to him.
"Nice drain pipe," he said cheerily.
"Aye, I like it a lot," I said. "What can I do for you Clarence?"
He stood their rubbing his crotch and asked me if I'd the number for the Unicorn Girl.
"No, I don't," I said. "You should leave her alone, her heart is pure, yours is mucky."
He snarled at me and snapped that he wanted a sweetheart and it was time Clarence stepped into the limelight!
He said that he would take her shopping and they could drink vodka in the park and she could rub his crotch when he was too tired to wank. It was all he wanted and I shouldn't try to stand in his way. Or he would figure out a way to destroy me.
I told him to eat his own fuck and leave me out of it.
He said he could prove he was nice. I should hang out with him and I'd see he just has a bad rep.
I said okay, maybe me and him could go to the pub quiz Hot Baby Roy runs down at the Rangers Supporters Club on Sandy Row.
He snorted at this and said Hot Baby Roy did nothing of the sort, that he wanted to run a pub quiz and he often talked at great length about how running his own pub quiz would be his one true dream, just like Clarence wanted a sweetheart, but that no one was going to trust a jittery fool like Hot Baby Roy with such responsibility. So Hot Baby Roy has been lying to people about it.
I told Clarence that stories like that are the reason he wasn't getting the Unicorn Girl's number, the real reason is that I fancy a go at her myself.
Monday, 10 August 2009
A party at last.
Fabian Wildman was out when I got home from my metaller brothers. A bit careless like because he left Battle Cat in on his own. When he does this he leaves him out a bowl of food and lots of water so it's not too bad, but I sometimes worry about people breaking in and stealing him.
Anyways he finally came back last night with Betty Blue and some of her mates. The Unicorn Girl, a girl called Sandcastles and A guy called Stanley (who looks like Stan Laurel),
Unicorn Girl seemed to have forgiven (or at least forgotten) my faux pass the other night, and gave me a big hippy hug when she came in. Sandcastles didn't say much and Stanley turned out to be probably the biggest closet homosexual I've ever met.
From the moment he opened his mouth I thought he was a bit camp and within the first few minutes of meeting him he'd insisted that he wasn't gay (even though no one had suggested he was), that Robbie Williams was gay without a doubt (because of the women he had dated) and that he has nothing against gays.
Then he proceeded to tell a story which had no real point beyond him fucking his girlfriend (apparently his dick bled afterwards).
Once we got that out of the way he calmed down and the three of them had brought booze, they said I could have some. I took Fabian aside and told him what had happened at my "intervention". Fabian was livid. I'd started to calm down about it, I wasn't so much angry any more, as just hurt.
Then we'd a knock on the door. We were worried in case it was the peelers.
"Open up It's Hot Baby Roy," shouted Hot Baby Roy from outside.
We let him in, he'd his friend Clarence with him (who I hadn't met before but Fabian says he's like Hot Baby Roy turned up full blast).
Hot Baby Roy wanted to know if he could watch Bring It On here because his TV was bust and it had sexy cheerleaders in it. Clarence started downing a bottle of vodka and rubbing his crotch. I think Betty Blue's mates were a bit scared.
I told him no, but that him and Clarence could hang out and have a bit of a shindig with us because I'd been expecting one last week that hadn't happened.
In the end we'd a good laugh, the sweaty metallers came round and brought the banshee. I got fucking trashed and I remember telling Hot Baby Roy that he was becoming a good mate (I hope I didn't tell him he could move in when Fabian goes). I rolled up my big Hermione poster and gave it to him (even though Fabian gave it to me first) but it was mostly because I didn't want the girls to see (I think girls find it a bit weird).
Anyways he finally came back last night with Betty Blue and some of her mates. The Unicorn Girl, a girl called Sandcastles and A guy called Stanley (who looks like Stan Laurel),
Unicorn Girl seemed to have forgiven (or at least forgotten) my faux pass the other night, and gave me a big hippy hug when she came in. Sandcastles didn't say much and Stanley turned out to be probably the biggest closet homosexual I've ever met.
From the moment he opened his mouth I thought he was a bit camp and within the first few minutes of meeting him he'd insisted that he wasn't gay (even though no one had suggested he was), that Robbie Williams was gay without a doubt (because of the women he had dated) and that he has nothing against gays.
Then he proceeded to tell a story which had no real point beyond him fucking his girlfriend (apparently his dick bled afterwards).
Once we got that out of the way he calmed down and the three of them had brought booze, they said I could have some. I took Fabian aside and told him what had happened at my "intervention". Fabian was livid. I'd started to calm down about it, I wasn't so much angry any more, as just hurt.
Then we'd a knock on the door. We were worried in case it was the peelers.
"Open up It's Hot Baby Roy," shouted Hot Baby Roy from outside.
We let him in, he'd his friend Clarence with him (who I hadn't met before but Fabian says he's like Hot Baby Roy turned up full blast).
Hot Baby Roy wanted to know if he could watch Bring It On here because his TV was bust and it had sexy cheerleaders in it. Clarence started downing a bottle of vodka and rubbing his crotch. I think Betty Blue's mates were a bit scared.
I told him no, but that him and Clarence could hang out and have a bit of a shindig with us because I'd been expecting one last week that hadn't happened.
In the end we'd a good laugh, the sweaty metallers came round and brought the banshee. I got fucking trashed and I remember telling Hot Baby Roy that he was becoming a good mate (I hope I didn't tell him he could move in when Fabian goes). I rolled up my big Hermione poster and gave it to him (even though Fabian gave it to me first) but it was mostly because I didn't want the girls to see (I think girls find it a bit weird).
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