Fabian Wildman's Leaving Party

Last night was Fabian Wildman's leaving party. Of course, I was one of the first people on the scene. Me Fabian and Betty Blue tucked into the wine while we waited for the guests to arrive. I gave Fabian his book on 20th Century art and he blurted out that he'd been reading this in the morning when he'd stayed over at Betty Blue's.

I felt like my shoplifting had been for nothing. It really sucked. I decided to get pished on the wine and threw a lot of it in me without offering anyone else a glass. Anyways, the next person to arrive was Hot Baby Roy and there was a bit of a drama there. Hot Baby Roy had bought Fabian Wildman 10 Things I Hate About You as a present and Fabian was trying (quite forcibly, but politely) to tell Hot Baby Roy that he didn't want it. Hot Baby Roy was most upset and accused Fabian Wildman of acting like that because of his girlfriend being present and that he remembered the two of them getting high as kites and watching The Babysitter's Club and singing the 'what do you wanna eat?' rhyme for days.

Fabian Wildman said he would not hear such stories told in front of his girlfriend and asked Hot Baby Roy to leave. Hot Baby Roy left all teary eyed.

Then Stanley, Sandcastles and The Unicorn Girl showed up. I thought at that moment that the party might rock, ever so slightly but all three of them stayed distant from me.

Rock and Roll Stephen showed up (it turns out that him and Sandcastles go way back or some such bollocks). Sandcastles showed us how she could recite all the first series of Black Books and most of the second. It sounded a lot less funny when she said it but Stanly and The Unicorn Girl howled with laughter.

Then Clarence and Hot Baby Roy showed up. Hot Baby Roy was screaming about how he'd been wronged, and Clarence put his hand through a window (he put his fist really) and was standing giving all that to the Unicorn Girl like it was no pain when me and Fabian grabbed him and dragged him into the back yard and kicked the shite out of him.

Fabian was a bit more pissed at this stage and said to Hot Baby Roy that he could stay. Hot Baby Roy was so happy. Fabian told him he thinks he should move in, and Hot Baby Roy looked all embarrassed and said he didn't want to live with a violent druggie because he liked me but I'd a bad rap.

The arty pals all nodded and said that I hit poor Postman Pat and that Mother of Bowling Ball was going to kick my head in. I told them that he'd be found drinking a cup of his own pish in my wardrobe if he tried. They all went silent apart from Sandcastles, who started to cry. Fabian Wildman just stood there wide eyed and didn't even stick up for me.

Shite fucking Party.

A Long Fucking Day

Yesterday was a weird one. Firstly it was my fruitarian brother's birthday. I haven't heard anything from any of them since my "intervention" so I didn't really know what to do. In the end I sent him a text and I got one back saying some balls about how he's thinking of going off meat again. I'll look forward to missing this intervention.

Secondly one of the sweaty metallers moved out. There was loads of shouting about how the other was "a spandex licking mutherfucker" mutherfucker was emphasised in that way that metallers sometimes do when they're wanting to get extra metal about something.

Fabian's thinking he might move in there. I think he should just stay here. The cops haven't been round in ages.

I asked him why didn't bring round Sandcastles and The Unicorn Girl again. He said that they'd been scared off by Hot Baby Roy and especially Clarence. Clarence told the Unicorn Girl that he liked to get drunk at the weekends and slap the fuck out of indie kids. Me and good king thumpo did this once but I didn't say. Fabian saw I looked upset but he didn't know why. He said he was seeing them again tonight and he'd say to them about maybe calling round again.

After he left Hot Baby Roy called round in tears saying that he couldn't find his Bratz DVD, he'd left it here but I was so pissed off I told him I hadn't seen it. He said he was going to bring round Wild Child someday soon because there was a hot dance routine in it, he saw I wasn't impressed so he added, "and there's stuff about emotions and friendship in it too."

Fabian's Lessons In Love

Today Fabian Wildman slithered down the stairs in his zentai (he says the tightness is comforting) asking for some honey.

I told him I'd have to go back to the shop and steal it but that if I did I wanted him to fix it for me to hump and pump the Unicorn Girl. He told me that I didn't need to use that sort of language because he knows I don't mean it or only half mean it.

I asked him what's the secret of getting girls to like you. He told me that it's not about hearts and flowers and all that bumfluff, it's about sexiness and the way he does it is sometimes he rubs spunk in his hair because the smell gets Betty Blue all excited though not too often or she'd just think he wanked and didn't wash, he says that having a big wang helps.

Then after contemplation he said that she just likes him for who he is. It sounded kind of sweet, until he said that he wasn't changing for no chicka. Which I know is pure balls because half of why him and Betty Blue are together is because she lets him eat boiled eggs out her fanny and he let's her do fuck knows what to him (I don't know but I've heard the screams).

Clarence Rubs His Crotch

I was sitting in the living room today when I heard a knock at the door. It turned out it was Clarence. I didn't know whether to let him in or not but one of the upstairs windows were open and I could see him eyeing it up. He walked over to the drainpipe and started pulling at it, like he was seeing if it would take his weight.

I opened the door to him.

"Nice drain pipe," he said cheerily.
"Aye, I like it a lot," I said. "What can I do for you Clarence?"

He stood their rubbing his crotch and asked me if I'd the number for the Unicorn Girl.

"No, I don't," I said. "You should leave her alone, her heart is pure, yours is mucky."

He snarled at me and snapped that he wanted a sweetheart and it was time Clarence stepped into the limelight!

He said that he would take her shopping and they could drink vodka in the park and she could rub his crotch when he was too tired to wank. It was all he wanted and I shouldn't try to stand in his way. Or he would figure out a way to destroy me.

I told him to eat his own fuck and leave me out of it.

He said he could prove he was nice. I should hang out with him and I'd see he just has a bad rep.

I said okay, maybe me and him could go to the pub quiz Hot Baby Roy runs down at the Rangers Supporters Club on Sandy Row.

He snorted at this and said Hot Baby Roy did nothing of the sort, that he wanted to run a pub quiz and he often talked at great length about how running his own pub quiz would be his one true dream, just like Clarence wanted a sweetheart, but that no one was going to trust a jittery fool like Hot Baby Roy with such responsibility. So Hot Baby Roy has been lying to people about it.

I told Clarence that stories like that are the reason he wasn't getting the Unicorn Girl's number, the real reason is that I fancy a go at her myself.

A party at last.

Fabian Wildman was out when I got home from my metaller brothers. A bit careless like because he left Battle Cat in on his own. When he does this he leaves him out a bowl of food and lots of water so it's not too bad, but I sometimes worry about people breaking in and stealing him.

Anyways he finally came back last night with Betty Blue and some of her mates. The Unicorn Girl, a girl called Sandcastles and A guy called Stanley (who looks like Stan Laurel),

Unicorn Girl seemed to have forgiven (or at least forgotten) my faux pass the other night, and gave me a big hippy hug when she came in. Sandcastles didn't say much and Stanley turned out to be probably the biggest closet homosexual I've ever met.

From the moment he opened his mouth I thought he was a bit camp and within the first few minutes of meeting him he'd insisted that he wasn't gay (even though no one had suggested he was), that Robbie Williams was gay without a doubt (because of the women he had dated) and that he has nothing against gays.

Then he proceeded to tell a story which had no real point beyond him fucking his girlfriend (apparently his dick bled afterwards).
Once we got that out of the way he calmed down and the three of them had brought booze, they said I could have some. I took Fabian aside and told him what had happened at my "intervention". Fabian was livid. I'd started to calm down about it, I wasn't so much angry any more, as just hurt.

Then we'd a knock on the door. We were worried in case it was the peelers.

"Open up It's Hot Baby Roy," shouted Hot Baby Roy from outside.

We let him in, he'd his friend Clarence with him (who I hadn't met before but Fabian says he's like Hot Baby Roy turned up full blast).

Hot Baby Roy wanted to know if he could watch Bring It On here because his TV was bust and it had sexy cheerleaders in it. Clarence started downing a bottle of vodka and rubbing his crotch. I think Betty Blue's mates were a bit scared.

I told him no, but that him and Clarence could hang out and have a bit of a shindig with us because I'd been expecting one last week that hadn't happened.

In the end we'd a good laugh, the sweaty metallers came round and brought the banshee. I got fucking trashed and I remember telling Hot Baby Roy that he was becoming a good mate (I hope I didn't tell him he could move in when Fabian goes). I rolled up my big Hermione poster and gave it to him (even though Fabian gave it to me first) but it was mostly because I didn't want the girls to see (I think girls find it a bit weird).