Dick Lick For Breakfast

I haven't been to work since Friday, not because of Betty Blue and Kiss Boy, and not because of someone starting a facebook group for this blog (it makes me feel super cool).

No, I've been off work with man flu. I've just felt really under the weather. I might have had a dodgy kebab on the way home on Friday. I'm not sure. I don't want to say where I bought it from in case it wasn't their fault but I'm not eating out of there again.

I came down this morning to find that there was nothing in the house for breakfast. Battle Cat was fine because we always keep scraps for him in a bowl. But all I had was a couple of suspect looking pancakes. They seemed okay so I toasted them but I couldn't find any butter or jam. The only thing there was to flavour it was a bottle of dick lick sitting on the living room coffee table (which means Hot Baby Roy has been having sex in the living room! Dirty bastard! It's my couch!)

I took a slurp to see what it tasted like. I was alright. I'll go shopping later and get proper jam but Dick Lick was nice with the pancakes. I don't think it'd go nice with toast.

Dick Lick, Yummy Yummy!

Sweaty Metal Rock and Roll Night

We were woke up last night by screaming and howling about murder and human blood, at first I thought it was a late sweaty metal jam but after I heard someone shout "I was in love with her," I realised that this was surely no sweaty metal song.

I ran next door with Fabian Wildman not far behind me. Half the lights were on in the street. The banshee was howling (she really is very good) and the sweaty metallers were shouting their heads off.

I started thumping on the door, shouting for them to calm down, when one of them stormed outside.

"Tuesday Kid, let's you and me start a band," he said. "We don't need these dicks."

"You're just jealous because the banshee loves me," the other one shouted.

"How? How can she love you more? I was always the most metal out of us," shouted the first one.

"No, it was me," shouted the other one.

"Let's ask Tuesday Kid," they said turning to me.

"To be honest lads, I always had trouble telling yous apart," I shrugged.

"How could you confuse me with this dick," said the first one.

I was saved by the Banshee coming out and asking Derek Baby to come back inside. The second one went back in with her.

The first one stood there shaking with anger.

"Derek Baby?" I said, "what's your name?"

He glared at me and stormed off down the street, tears streaming down his face.

I HATE WESTLIFE

I'm feeling better and I've been up and at 'em since yesterday. I went round the sweaty metallers to tell them I was excited about our next jam and about the banshee singing with us. That's when they sat me down and between them (they're hard to tell apart, and they rarely are apart, that's why I always talk about the two of them together) that they also like the banshee and don't know where I fit into the band anymore. I nearly screamed at them, no one screams like I scream, I thought but then I remembered what the banshee sounded like through the walls.

They must have seen the look on my face because they said they hoped we could still be mates and they'd still take me to rock and roll vomit parties. I told them that would be nice but to be honest I don't believe it.

I went to their toilet and pished all over the seat. Then I left, still friends.

In the Cold Cold Night

Still ill on Wednesday so I couldn't make the Jam next door. The sweaty metallers were disappointed but they went ahead with the jam anyway because they were trying out some new girl on backing vocals. She screamed and howled like a banshee. It was blood curdling. Fabian Wildman didn't sleep a wink the whole night and it was nothing to do with Betty Blue. He came walking into my room at 3 in the morning and asked me where the light switch was. I told him the light was already on and he asked how come he was eternally in darkness.

He told me that as a kid he had wanted to be cool when he grew up and own his own car and go out to the club with his buddies after a week of working hard, it would be now time to play hard. And not that he'd anything against me, because he liked me, but his life wasn't taking the shape he'd hoped it would.

Then he spoiled it all by saying:

"I'm very deep you know, I often ask myself the big questions."

I told him that I didn't have any answers and that I'd maybe hoped my life would have been different but there you go. I think Fabian might ask himself the big questions but then he'd probably go for a wank before he found the answers.

Monkey Flu strikes me too!

Today I've been lying in bed with monkey flu (the disease that dickheads get when they get a cold and think it's the latest epidemic). After a very shaky night last night I'm glad it's not swine flu. Fabian Wildman and Betty Blue have been banging away and it's hard to sleep with the sun blasting into my room. I've got Battle Cat upstairs for company but he wasn't as house trained as we thought so I've a lump of shite to clean off the floor. It'd be super cool if he'd eat it like a lot of dogs do. I might hunger him a bit tonight to see if he will but I don't like being mean to the wee thing. He looks to me to be nice to him.

The sweaty metallers called round earlier to see about arranging a jam. I said I should be better by Wednesday and they said that was smokin' hot.

Johnny Davro and Peace Man come to a Jam

Today I was jamming with the sweaty metallers. It was wild, I was screaming at the top of my lungs. It was a new song and there were no lyrics yet so I just kept screaming about Satan! and Sex!

Johnny Davro and Peace Man were there, they are the coolest dudes in the city and they make the scene. If they go to a gig and stay for longer than one beer then whatever band are onstage have made it in Belfast.

In the middle of the jam Johnny Davro got up and started dancing all slow and metaphorically. Peace Man sat clicking his fingers. The sweaty metallers stood there nodding proudly between each other. Then when the song ended Johnny Davro asked me if I'd ever heard of Rimbaud? I thought he said Rambo so I nodded excitedly. He smiled a knowing smile and said:

"I thought I heard some of his influences in there."

After he left, the sweaty metallers said that he must like me because he said more to me today that he's said to members of his own family in his entire life.

I felt so cool I skipped next door and told Fabian Wildman, he was too busy slithering around the floor in his Zentai screaming:

"Mummy let me lick the bowl!"

I know how he feels. I love to lick the bowl.