No Party for Me, I Still Go and Fuck Myself

I didn't go to work today, not because I'm bad, or I'm depressed but because the Leotard Girls had a party last night and kept me awake all fucking night long? On a Tuesday? My day? It was all to entice Hot Baby Roy into their lair of gyrating spandex. He didn't go for it. He wasn't here. I nearly went round in his place to say I'd do but no I couldn't be arsed. It spilled out into the street in the morning and someone called the cops.

I don't know who did and I don't approve on principle but I'm glad they did. I don't have it in me any more to go wielding baseball bats at tramps.

I called in sick and slept til it was too hot and I was stuck to the bedsheets with my sweat (this is supposed to sound sexy - I've just realised it doesn't).

Where Does Fun Happen In Belfast?

Fabian Wildman came round to the house last night when I was in by myself. He knocked the door and since I was up lying in bed having a wank with the light off I just pretended not to be in. He knocked for a while and tried his old key in the lock (!) but I'd luckily snibbed it. I'm getting the locks changed, I completely fucking forgot he still had a key.

Battle Cat went up to the door and barked at him. He stood and had a long conversation with Battle Cat. I couldn't hear what he said but he looked so lonely wandering off up the street afterwards.

It's funny because yesterday was the first time I'd talked to Betty Blue in work. I walked into the canteen when she was having her lunch at the window and since all the tables were full I sat down beside her.

"How's it going?" I asked.

"Not bad, I'm over in England at Uni, just back for the summer. How's you?"

"Good," I said but I could tell she saw the misery in my face.

"It's an exciting job isn't it?" she laughed.

I nodded and tucked into my white bread egg sandwhich and tea with whitener.

Dull Again

Work is dull, it's repetitive, it's safe, it's dull and grey. I went to the canteen to buy some fruit pastels from the vending machine, hoping to inject a little colour into my afternoon but the machine ate my money and chuckled as it kept the fruit pastels from me. A tear the size of my balls rolled down my face but it was see-through and as colourless as my job.

Hot Firey Love Lady Violence

I didn't tell Hot Baby Roy about The Raven Princess Spandex wanting to see him. He reads my blog sometimes so he might find out anyway. I'm not telling him though.

I asked him if he had been at Hot Firey Love Lady's house. He said yes. I asked him if Mother of Bowling Ball had been kicked out. He said no. Mother of Bowling Ball had said that it was just a silly drunken argument that got out of hand and everyone let him stay. I told him if he gave me the address I'd go round and kick fuck out of him. He said no, that Hot Firey Love Lady detests violence and she's going to talk the other people in her house round to kicking Mother of Bowling Ball out. I told him that's a form of violence in itself. He said that he was going to learn kung-fu and embarrass him in front of members of the fairer sex, just to show him how bad it felt. Then he opened a packet of ginger nuts and ate them in five minutes flat.

Twisty Faced Bint

Everyone is having fun but me. Hot Baby Roy is off round the town with Gingerella stretching his dole out like a Mr Stretch doll or a turkey's neck, or Gingerella has money and she's spending it on him. How does that lucky bastard get this and not me.

On the plus side The Raven Princess Spandex called round today asking if Hot Baby Roy was in. I told her that Hot Baby Roy was out with his new girlfriend Hot Firey Love Lady. And The Raven Princess Spandex twisted her face up like she was doing a bad impression of a chinese person. She said that she'd seen some girl round here who wasn't very pretty. I told her Hot Baby Roy was very happy with her. She said to tell him she called.

I said I would but the last thing I'm doing is let her try and get her claws into him. I know I've said some mean things about Gingerella but I think she's better for him than The Raven Princess Spandex would be. She only wants to get him interested again because she misses the attention.

When Best Friends Fall Out

Nanny Boo Boo phoned me up last night to ask me how I thought the surprise for Fabian Wildman went. I didn't have a go at her about it being a surprise for me too. She skirted around it for a bit saying that she hoped he had a nice time and that maybe I'd like to come down another night and do it again.

I told her I love coming to visit her but I'd prefer if she'd let me know when Fabian Wildman is going to be there. She said that she thinks he's in a lot of trouble at the minute and he's living with that weirdo who kills animals. She says that she's scared for him.

I told her that before he lived with me Fabian Wildman used to live with a satanist who had full blown conversations with imaginary daemons and threaten him with knives. I didn't tell her that I used to talk to daemons as well.

She said that she knew Fabian had been bad in the past but that he needed his friends round him now. I told her I'd think about it.

Where do you cut some people off? (Fabian not Nanny Boo Boo).

A Rotten Fucking Set Up

Yesterday was the budget and I'm not sure about what it holds for Northern Ireland. All I know is that we're so dependent on the mainland that if there's cuts we're fucked in some way. I no longer think David Cameron doesn't care if his wife doesn't cum. I think he does, I don't know. All I know is that I think George Osborne doesn't care. He might not even be able to get it up. I told myself I wasn't going to cry but I did. I did so much.

There's a lot of talk about cutting benefits. If you cut money from the poor they will turn to crime. That's all I do know.

Nanny Boo Boo called me to ask if I wanted to come down to her house for a piss up. I jumped at the chance. She said to bring Battle Cat because she hadn't seen him in ages. She even said to bring down Hot Baby Roy because she felt bad about not coming to his birthday and no one should be on their own at their birthday.

We marched down to Stranmillis, me, the mutt, Hot Baby Roy and Hot Firey Love Lady (don't ask). We started the booze before we got there and I felt like the leader of a gang. I thought I might bump into my protege but the streets were clear. When I reached Nanny Boo Boo's the lights were out. I knocked on the door and she answered it looking a bit edgy.

She ushered us in and I saw that there was a big cake on the table and a banner on the wall saying Happy Birthday.

"Keep quiet," she said as she ushered us into the living room. "He's nearly here."

It was too late to leave and I only just clocked that she was throwing a party for Fabian Wildman. I nearly stormed out but she gave me a look like she was only trying to be nice. I know she thinks we should be mates again but I don't like the ballbag any more.

Then the door went.

Nanny Boo Boo answered it and her and him came into the livingroom.

She started singing happy birthday and the rest of us joined in half heartedly.

He looked happy to see us but then again he looked like he was back on crack with his scrawny scruffy giggling dirty way. He came up and started talking eagerly to me about how it was good to see me again and all that. He was so happy to see Battle Cat. I hoped Battle Cat would bite him but he offered his paw.

Fabian is such a mess nowadays. He told me pretty quickly he was back on crack and that he's living with this guy who catches birds and murders them. He doesn't like it but not many people want to live with a crackhead.

He went to talk to Hot Baby Roy and I had a chance to say to Nanny Boo Boo that she should have told me what she'd planned.

"Please stay for a bit, it'll do him good to see you," she kept saying.

I stayed for a few drinks but I really didn't want to see the rotten bastard. Hot Baby Roy was all happy to be showing off that he'd a girlfriend and Fabian was trying to work some of his old charm on her but she was having none of it. I bet he even wanked in his hair before he came here.

I hate being set up.

No New Buddies :(

The work do was a total wash out. That means it was the first and only piss-up after the first week of training before everyone starts thinking everyone else is a ballbag.

Kissy Boy didn't go to it so I was left making conversation with the rest of them who to be fair all seem terribly nice and straightforward people. I started feeling that maybe I was to them what Hoors Bastard and Captain Cool Bastard were to me.

Betty Blue was there and I wanted to get speaking to her but she was fairly quiet and left after one drink. I thought of going outside to say hello but I got the feeling she was trying to avoid making eye contact with me in the pub so I left her alone.

I left after the second drink and politely tip-toeing my way through intense but boring conversations about the World Cup and the last Big Brother. I told one guy that England didn't have a hope and he looked at me like I'd just offered him a tape of his ma spooning shite in her mouth like it was chocolate mousse and she was a Chambourcy hippo.

"Oh yeah? We'll fucking see about that," he said before fucking off to the toilet.

And that was the only swear word anyone said all night. And it sounded so unnatural coming from him, like he'd only ever seen the word written down.

I went to an offlicence and got a bottle of whiskey wine and went and sat down where the Scabby Nettle Gang used to sit. No one was there, they're either all dead or dried out and in old folks homes. There's just me, moping around like some old man whose buddies all died in the war.

Nick Griffin is a Fat Wanker

We're on the phones now and it's amazing how it all comes so naturally. Mind is numb and days are set to drift pass with occasional "craic" how do people go from these jobs to ones they like? What do I like?

I'm not saying I've gone back to what I was at the end of the last call centre. I just know it's coming off in the distance.

There's a work do tomorrow night and I'm going because Hot Baby Roy has asked me ever so nicely if he can have the downstairs to himself tomorrow night because he wants to cook Gingerella a meal. All the time I've lived with him he's burnt toast and over filled Pot Noodles. I told him to go online and get some recipes and good luck with it.

On my way home from work today I found a piece of paper lying folded on the ground. When I read it it was the following:

C                  D                G
All the guys I lived with at Uni
D                   C
Not one had a bird I'd rate
Em            G
No fucking way

Then there's a bit scribbled out that says:

Do you have a daughter
Do you have a daughter for me.

And a question mark after it. It's not scribbled out though. I think the letters above the sentences are music. Anyone play any instruments?

Drinking in the Morning

Today I had a little walk down memory lane when I sat in the bath with a bottle of pink champaigne getting ready for work. It hit me a lot harder than I remember it doing and I went into my room and boked in the bin. Talk about bad timing. If I'd just needed to do it when I was in the bathroom I could have done it in the bog and flushed it away.

I had to carry the stinking mess downstairs in a carrier bag to chuck it in the bin. I was met by Hot Baby Roy and Battle Cat.
"Where's Gingerella?" I asked.
"I don't think you should be calling her that. She should be called something like Hot Firey Love Lady."
"Maybe," I shrugged. "Where is she?"
"She's away back to her house they're having a meeting with the landlord about Mother of Bowling Ball. Hot Firey Love Lady is going to get him kicked out of the house. None of the other housemates like him so he'll get his mutherfucker."
"You know if you'd give me her address I'd like to go and give him a severe beating for you."
"I want to try it her way first," he said. "You can't always be there for scraps and I'm a lover, not a fighter."

I felt him tick something inside himself off from a very big long list of moments he's wanted to have in his life.

"That's true," I said just to underline it for him.

I hope Gingerella does get Mother of Bowling Ball kicked out then I can fight him on the streets.

Hot Baby Roy made me drink some strong black coffee before I went to work. He said it would sober me up but it didn't. It just left me still drunk and jittery and I was all giggling away to myself about nothing as I walked to work. I'm now sitting in the canteen feeling my guts slowly disolve into chewing gum. My poor bowels.

Back to Work and Carry On

Since his wildest kicking Hot Baby Roy and Gingerella have been holed up at mine. I'm being nice and keeping out of their way. I get the impression they didn't go to the cops and until I get Gingerella's address Mother of Bowling Ball remains kicking free.

Clarence Pishflap showed up at the door last night saying that he heard Mother of Bowling Ball gave Hot Baby Roy a kicking and now it was his turn. He said that his kicking was going to be even more violence because him and Hot Baby Roy were ex-buddies. I nutted him in the face and told Battle Cat to sick his balls. Clarence Pishflap ran screaming down the street promising revenge. Me and Battle Cat had a good old matey chuckle about it.

Work was strange. Me and Kissy Boy were chatting to Little My in the canteen. She said that Fat Mo and Captain Cool Bastard took the fun out of the last place but now we had the gang back together good time were going to rock and roll. She made it sound like the end of Grease but I remember her licking round those guys when she felt she had to for craic (not crac, I'd hate to see Little My as a crackhead).

Betty Blue sat off in the corner reading a book at lunch. I thought of going over to say hi but for some reason I didn't.

Starting a New Job

The new job wasn't as big a shock as the last time, or not in the same way. First off Kissy Boy is in my training group and Little My is already on the floor. I'm sure there's more from the last place but the biggest shock for me was that Fabian Wildman's old girlfriend Betty Blue was there too.

We did that awkward thing like neither of us spoke to each other but we didn't give each other dirty looks it was like we were both doing that "if I pretend I don't recognise them they might pretend they don't recognise me". We'll see, if any of her mates that I've bumped into are anything to go by she hates my fucking guts by proxy. It's not fair.

Training is easy peasy and we're not in the business of riping anyone off! Yeow!

On The Scent of Mother of Bowling Ball

Gingerella and Hot Baby Roy came back late from casualty. I was in my bed and stayed there. She stayed overnight. In the morning I woke up in time to hear her leave. I threw some clothes on me and set off up the road after her. Determined that I was going to find out where she lived and kick fuck out of Mother of Bowling Ball.

She caught a bus at the end of the street and there the trail went cold, because I'd no money and all buses lead to the city centre. I'll find out where she lives soon enough and when I do Mother of Bowling Ball will rue the fucking day.

Mother of Bowling Ball Is In For the Wildest Kicking of His Life

Hot Baby Roy came home last night covered in blood. He'd been round at Gingerella's and it turns out that Mother of Bowling Ball is her housemate. He hit Hot Baby Roy a dig in the mouth for the whole Rock and Roll Stephen thing. Hot Baby Roy can't fight for shit and took a few digs more trying to get the fuck out of there.

He was in a real state, he looked all embarrased about getting beat up in front of Gingerella and he was crying and he seemed all woozy. I asked him for Gingerella's address because because I was going round to kick every shade of shit I could get out of Mother of Bowling Ball. Hot Baby Roy started to cry harder and said "this always happens me when things start to go right."

Then Gingerella called in at the house. She was crying too and said that she'd just had a big fight with Mother of Bowling Ball (not a physical one) and that he was saying all sorts about Hot Baby Roy that just weren't true like him and me were crack heads and that Hot Baby Roy was a pervert when she knows that he's a really sweet guy. I didn't want to tell her that Mother of Bowling Ball had gotten anything even close to correct so I just asked her if she'd tell me where he was so I could go and teach him not to hit my friends.

She said that she doesn't want that. She wants Hot Baby Roy to go to the police because Mother of Bowling Ball is just a thug. I told her that this was a street fight and the cops don't have a say. She pushed on into the house and said she wanted to take Hot Baby Roy to casualty. He was in a wild state but managed not to cry more and she didn't notice he had been crying because he was covered in blood.

She took a face cloth out of the bathroom and tried to hold it over his face to stop the bleeding. Just watching her help Hot Baby Roy made me realise that I'd been really unfair to her. I asked her if she wanted any help. She said no and that she didn't want any more fighting. This thing needed sorting out properly and not in some violent way. She said that she had no time for violence and that Hot Baby Roy had shown he didn't either by not even trying to fight back.

I didn't want to tell her that he didn't fight back out of pacifism but more fear and his own self-knowledge. I didn't want to so I didn't. And I do want to kick fuck out of Mother of Bowling Ball and I'm so fucking going to.

I Start Work On Monday!

I got the job. I can't believe how easy and straightforward it all was. I start Monday. There's two weeks training and then we hit the floor. The only problem is I need to wear a shirt and tie, so I'm off for a nice day's shoplifting tomorrow. Touch me!

A Good Job Interview

I went to my job interview today. It was strangely uneventful. The guy interviewing me was pretty nice. He offered me a tea or a coffee at the start and when it turned out the coffee pot was empty he took me up to the canteen to get one.

The call centre seems chilled out enough. He said that they expect you to get your targets but if you're coming close then they don't mind you having a bit of craic with each other.

I've heard this talk before so I'm not swallowing it yet. I will say that I'm not doing outbound sales again so already it seems a better deal.

I'll find out if I have it tomorrow. Cross your fingers please.

Hot Baby Roy is still off at Gingerella's. It gives me space to wear my drag but it can get a bit lonely. Battle Cat is a great listener but a shit conversationalist.

Cross Dressing Cheers Me Up

So Hot Baby Roy is off to Gingerella's (I assume) so they can make a lovely love next there for a few days. They bought some food for their lovers breakfast while I was asleep and when I got up they had a wee note on the fridge saying help myself. I'd have helped myself anyway. Nice stuff, cinnamon and raisin bagels and cream cheese.

Battle Cat was all licking his lips so I gave him one too. Then with the house to myself I pulled on some tights and a leotard and watched crap daytime TV. The Girl That Stole The Eiffel Tower was talking on Facebook about buying velvet leggings. I'd like to know where to buy a velvet catsuit I'd get some serious carpet burn out of that thing. It'd be so worth it.

Then while I was all writhing around my phone went. An agency I registered with ages ago has me lined up for a job interview for tomorrow. It's in a shitty call centre and I remember how bad I got last time I was in one of those places but it's better than being lonely and skint. At least in there I'll meet people I can either have a laugh with or at and it'll get me money for my velvet catsuit.

Watching You Without Me

I had to get out of the house today because Hot Baby Roy and Gingerella's tongue wrestling fest has really put me on the back foot. I sit in the living room and feel like a ghost in my own home, watching it without me. They even sit and play with Battle Cat and he gets on famously with her.

I was pissed off, I left them to it and fucked off out with a bottle of strong booze. I walked up the comber greenway trying to ignore I was never more than five meters from someone's house. Poor me.

Does anyone know the way to rockbottom? I'm looking for the signpost.

I'm not giving up. There is a light and it never goes out.

I'm Jealous of My Friend

Hot Baby Roy brought round his crying belle last night. And what else could I do but be nice, I felt jealous as fuck because he's all loved up after only one week and so's she and I think it's just because they're not lonely any more. I know I sound like a bastard but I don't care. I don't rate her as a bird or as company. Even if she does have hot friends, if they're as dull as her it'd cancel out their hotness. She's about as much fun as being caught by the cops wanking in an alley. She sat and sqwawked away about pish like wanting to hear stories about Hot Baby Roy. I wanted to tell a load of nasty shit about his shop lifting teddy bears and fucking them but in the end I just told as story about how me and him pal about and I made the whole fucking thing up because all we do is watch suspect teen romcoms and talk about perving. Battle Cat was very nice and walked up and offered Hot Baby Roy's lady friend a nice friendly paw.

Good boy.

Another Missing Person

Hot Baby Roy is no longer missing. He sent me a jokey text yesterday after I sent him one saying if you haven't replied in an hour I'm reporting you missing.

It was all "Calm Down Tuesday Kid. I've been too busy with my bonnie lass for texting friends!"

Fuck him. I was so worried. I sat up the night before sniffing felt tips and spooning coffee into myself because I didn't know what to do.

I haven't heard anything more from him but I think I suspect his bonnie lass is that ganger wonder I saw him with at Lavery's. He might not be missing any more but I am. I can't find the Tuesday Kid who used to feel like he knew what was going on. I need a fucking job.

I hope this ganger girl has non ganger friends.