How Do You Meet Justin Bieber

I told Hot Baby Roy yesterday about my meeting with Clarence Pishflap. He said that Hot Firey Love Lady's met Clarence already and thinks he's a pishflap. He'd been round her house because he knows Mother of Bowling Ball.

I suppose it makes sense because I keep forgetting how everyone in Belfast knows everyone else. The only reason I met Mother of Bowling Ball is because he was at a party with Betty Blue's mates. And Clarence hangs around with The Unicorn Girl, and Betty Blue said he used to go out with Sandcastles.

Hot Baby Roy laughed his hole off when I said this. He said their relationship was little more than a horny girl fed up with frozen cucumbers. He had shagged her a few times and told her he wanted a relationship. Sandcastles couldn't be arsed with his whining so she said yes but then one time Clarence took him round to her house it was awkward as fuck. They barely spoke for over an hour. Then Clarence went to the toilet and she started asking him if he liked her legs. He said that he didn't want to insult her so he said yes. Then she told him that he could rub them if he wanted, and to hang around after Clarence left. Hot Baby Roy thought he was going to get his hole but Clarence had been on the other side of the door listening to the whole thing. He burst in all Hercule Poirot. Aha!

And that's why they're not friends anymore.

I asked him how he met Clarence. He said he'd thrown a party at his a few years ago when he lived with his parents. He invited a load of people he didn't really know because the object of the party was for him to make new buddies. He was having a wild time when the party started swinging but because of all the booze he'd drank he needed to have a big pish. So when he went to drain cyclops in the bog he heard funny noises coming from his parent's room.

He went in and found Clarence rummaging through his mum's underwear drawer. He turned around all startled.

"I'm not wanking," Clarence shouted.

Then they became friends.

I'm Jealous of My Friend

Hot Baby Roy brought round his crying belle last night. And what else could I do but be nice, I felt jealous as fuck because he's all loved up after only one week and so's she and I think it's just because they're not lonely any more. I know I sound like a bastard but I don't care. I don't rate her as a bird or as company. Even if she does have hot friends, if they're as dull as her it'd cancel out their hotness. She's about as much fun as being caught by the cops wanking in an alley. She sat and sqwawked away about pish like wanting to hear stories about Hot Baby Roy. I wanted to tell a load of nasty shit about his shop lifting teddy bears and fucking them but in the end I just told as story about how me and him pal about and I made the whole fucking thing up because all we do is watch suspect teen romcoms and talk about perving. Battle Cat was very nice and walked up and offered Hot Baby Roy's lady friend a nice friendly paw.

Good boy.

Hot Baby Roy is Here To Stay

Hot Baby Roy told me last night that his landlord phoned him asking why he hadn't been at the house for a few weeks. Hot Baby Roy told him that he'd had death threats (which is at least an exageration and probably a complete lie) and the landlord told him that the house was a mess and that Hot Baby Roy could fuck off because if he ever saw him again he'd break his bones.

Hot Baby Roy screamed and hung up on him. Now it seems Hot Baby Roy is here to stay. I knew it from the start, still it has its come at the best time because I need Hot Baby Roy to help me get back into the Leotard Girls good favour.

I asked him how much of a mess his old house was and he just shrugged and said "a bit of wank here and there but the place was a dump anyway."

He saw I looked less than impressed and he shouted "it's okay I won't wank here, I respect the people I share with."

I don't believe him. I think he wanks on the sofa when the house is free.

Hot Baby Roy gets hot sweaty and sticky

Hot Baby Roy came round last night and said that he wanted to know the crack about Bratz. I gave him the DVD back and said I didn't know he'd left it here.

"Great wasn't it!" he beamed proudly.

"I didn't watch it," I shrugged. "And I don't want to watch Wild Child either," I said motioning at the DVD under his arm.

"It's okay," he said, near in tears, "I'll go away."

"No don't," I said. "Come in I'm about to watch Barbwire. It's about bigger girls. Well just one in particular."

Hot Baby Roy licked his lips and waved a box of tissues at me.

"I knew we'd need these," he said happily.

"You're not wanking in my house," I said. "I might, but you can forget it."

"Just a joke," he sniggered. But I'm sure he muttered something about Fabian Wildman letting him do it.

After Barbwire he wanted to stick around and talk about Hot Baby Roy stuff. He said that his favourite song was Girls Aloud's The Loving Kind.



I told him I wasn't keen on it and that it thought it was Call The Shots Part 2. He said this wasn't so and that Call The Shots was about life and stuff but that The Loving Kind was about Ashley Cole cheating on Cheryl and that it was nothing to do with the rest of the band. You can tell this because she wears white in the video and the rest wear black. I told him I heard the Pet Shop Boys wrote it and he got pissed off and changed the subject. He said that the ginger was hot and I asked him if he thought that because he was a ginger too.

He said that had nothing to do with it because lots of non-gingers like her. I told him I didn't think gingers should be allowed to mate with other gingers.

"Who's talking about MATING?" he shouted."I want to FUCK."

I have cool things on my mind

Sorry I haven't posted much this week. I've been lying in bed wanking away about the yankie doodle dandy. It made me think I've got to go and get me a girlfriend, one who makes me feel cool all the time!

I asked Fabian Wildman if he wanted to go to a rock and roll vomit party where I could meet ladies of questionable age and gender.

He told me he wouldn't because you're no one at those parties if you can't play guitar or bongos and don't have a Prince Albert.

I screamed the house down. This just isn't fair. I've wasted all my time smoking crack and feeling lonely and cool while geeks have been up in their bedrooms learning cool tunes or out getting their willies pierced.

The Sweaty Metallers and Mr Spoon came round to ask me to keep it down but I just stood in the hall screaming and balling my eyes out.

One of the Sweaty Metallers gave me a big hug and said I must be a nice guy and that he liked my scream. He said he wants me to sing for his Sweaty Metal band and that we'd never stop having Rock and Roll Vomit Parties.

This is the beginning of cool times!