I Only Want To Party With My Baby

It was Betty Blue's leaving do last night. Me and The Punchbowl Girl showed up nice and early because we weren't going to stay long. The Unicorn Girl and Clarence were there and for once Clarence wasn't being the biggest pishflap there. He actually made himself scarce after he saw me because he knows I'm going to boot him a new arsehole for what he did to Hot Baby Roy.

The Unicorn Girl was making catty shitty remarks to and about The Punchbowl Girl, nothing overt, really dickish shit about her getting fired, said in that kind of I'm nice and friendly but saying shit.

Betty Blue and Kissy Boy took off upstairs to fuck early on in the night so me and The Punchbowl Girl fucked off with our beer and a few bottles of wine that belonged to someone we don't know or care about.

We fucked off home where it we had a better party on our own.

Since the last post it hasn't all been a blur of hot spandex (though that has featured). In other news:

Pearl Jam 10 is the best grunge album (I've learned this after an intensive week of grunge).

There should be a second series of This Is England 86 (there fucking better be).

Will the road works outside Primark ever be complete?

A man can find some great clothes in a charity shop but he needs a woman with him.

Ed Balls has a defective nose.

This website makes me laugh lots and lots.

How Do You Meet Justin Bieber

I told Hot Baby Roy yesterday about my meeting with Clarence Pishflap. He said that Hot Firey Love Lady's met Clarence already and thinks he's a pishflap. He'd been round her house because he knows Mother of Bowling Ball.

I suppose it makes sense because I keep forgetting how everyone in Belfast knows everyone else. The only reason I met Mother of Bowling Ball is because he was at a party with Betty Blue's mates. And Clarence hangs around with The Unicorn Girl, and Betty Blue said he used to go out with Sandcastles.

Hot Baby Roy laughed his hole off when I said this. He said their relationship was little more than a horny girl fed up with frozen cucumbers. He had shagged her a few times and told her he wanted a relationship. Sandcastles couldn't be arsed with his whining so she said yes but then one time Clarence took him round to her house it was awkward as fuck. They barely spoke for over an hour. Then Clarence went to the toilet and she started asking him if he liked her legs. He said that he didn't want to insult her so he said yes. Then she told him that he could rub them if he wanted, and to hang around after Clarence left. Hot Baby Roy thought he was going to get his hole but Clarence had been on the other side of the door listening to the whole thing. He burst in all Hercule Poirot. Aha!

And that's why they're not friends anymore.

I asked him how he met Clarence. He said he'd thrown a party at his a few years ago when he lived with his parents. He invited a load of people he didn't really know because the object of the party was for him to make new buddies. He was having a wild time when the party started swinging but because of all the booze he'd drank he needed to have a big pish. So when he went to drain cyclops in the bog he heard funny noises coming from his parent's room.

He went in and found Clarence rummaging through his mum's underwear drawer. He turned around all startled.

"I'm not wanking," Clarence shouted.

Then they became friends.

People You Meet When It's Raining

The Punchbowl Girl was working yesterday so I was all on my lonesome. I went for a walk but it was pissing down so I stopped in at The Empire for a beer. I was just sitting supping away and flicking through The Suicide Diaries for something to laugh at/read to my girlfriend.

When Clarence Pishflap wandered over with his Taboo and lemonade.

"So Tuesday Kid, I hear you've finally got your hole."
"How dare you speak about my lady like that?" I asked.
"How dare I? How dare I? Listen I'm going to fuck things up for you with her. Just like you fucked things up for me with The Unicorn Girl, you and that ginger halfwit dicking around talking shit and acting up so I could never make my move and now we're in the fucking "friends zone"."
"Hot Baby Roy has a girlfriend too now."
"Don't think I don't know it. I'll fuck it up for the pair of you. I'll tell those dolls all about your crack addiction, and your cross dressing and your rotten pish drinking ways."
"I never drank any pish, and as for The Unicorn Girl, that was your move to make. If you wanted to fanny around like a sappy bastard and fucked it up for yourself that's your own fault. She's a nice girl, you should take being friends."
"You rotten bastard..."

I didn't let him finish. I threw the arse end of my beer at his crotch soaking it. Now he had to leave or face everyone thinking he'd pished himself in the midst of all his excited ranting.

I bought another drink and finished it in peace.

Positive Thinking For Work

Back in work and I'm fully charged to kick corporate ass, I'm gonna make the deals, bust the ass that needs busted for me to get that promotion I'm gonna drag the company to its knees. It's gonna knee for me.

Or some such balls, All my previous enthusiasm is gone. I spoke to Betty Blue at break and I asked her if she was calling me a stalker. She said no that she was talking about Clarence Pishflap who had went out with Sandcastles and was now stalking The Unicorn Girl. I told her that I hated Clarence Pishflap and that him and that dick Mother of Bowling Ball were going to get kickings if they tried to hit Hot Baby Roy, Betty Blue said that she remembered Hot Baby Roy and she always thought he was a bit creepy too. I told her that Hot Baby Roy had a girlfriend and they were going great and that he nice now and he was very nice to Battle Cat.


"Aw, you're wee dog," she shouted. "How's he doing these days? He was so cute."
"He great, still cute, but bigger now, still not biting people."

She laughed at that, I wanted to say something about Fabian Wildman and how he was a dick for what he did to her, but I couldn't it was too awkward over egg sandwiches.

I Can Whoop Some Ass

I was going to post up the funny crap inside The Suicide Diaries but instead I went for a walk with a nice bottle of pink champaigne down the Lagan Meadows. I should really describe the Lagan Meadows to some of you after all this time. It starts in Stranmillis in South Belfast and cuts an upside down V all the way out to Lisburn (not a fucking) City. It's great because it feels like you've walked for miles out into the countryside but you're never really further than a mile away from some houses.

So there I was down there when I ran into Rock and Roll Stephen, he was balling his eyes out and saying that The Indie Kid leaving was like Pete and Carl going their seperate ways.

I said that he'd be happier wanking off cows, he was a country boy really and all this roley smoking posturing was fucking him up. He didn't know how to do one and now he can't remember how to do the other.

He told me I better get out of here because an enemy was on the way. He fixed me a steely stare and spat on the ground.

Suddenly Clarence Pishflap and the Unicorn Girl came into view.

"Hello Clarence Pishflap and The Unicorn Girl," I said.

The Unicorn Girl gave me a big hug and called me the truster of poems. Clarence growled. I asked him if he was still wanting to beat Hot Baby Roy up and he said that he was going to meet up with him at a later date and knuckles were going to bleed.

"My knuckles will bleed," he screamed before falling to the ground screaming.

"Stop acting like a fucking wanker," The Unicorn Girl shouted at him. "I've told you it doesn't fucking impress me."

She stormed off up the path, he stood up and ran after her shouting apologies.

Rock and Roll Stephen laughed. It was nice to see him happy. He laughed as he walked down into the meadows singing Libertines songs to himself. I don't think he'll miss The Indie Kid all that much.

How To Be Deep

Today I wandered deep into the city and found myself out in some of the wee paths near Sailortown, that's a part of town that they're really just waiting to bulldoze. It makes me sad to be there. I went over to the Tomb St carpark and found some street kids (street-wise not tramps). I asked them if any of them knew The Unicorn Girl and if they could tell me where she lived. I told them I'd hang out on the corner of her street at the cool phonebox calling up her cell phone and waiting. I'd let it ring for ages and if it went to answerphone I'd call her back and tell her that I've a bottle of raspberry wine that I can't drink on my own so if she could just call me back I'll wait here by the phone.

They didn't say anything for ages until one of them said they didn't know her number but that I'd just broke their ideas of derilict romanticism that they find in American soft-alt-rock lyrics.

I told them to party down and go fuck themselves.

They said that they knew her and that they thought she wasn't so keen on people like me. I asked them what they meant and they said that she was trying to get rid of that dick Clarence Pishflap who hung around her like a bad smell with a bad smell and that me and all that crackhead scruffbag gang was something she wanted to move away from. They said that she used to hang out with them all the time but that now it's only really twice a week. They said that soon she was going to start dressing sharper and drinking in fancy winebars and not in some shitty street carpark and that if I wanted to get with her I could sharpen myself up and meet her somewhere nice. But not here, here I was just going to the top of the list of things she wants to leave behind her when she starts a new phase of her life.

I told the guy he was seriously fucking deep, and he said that deep is one thing but holes in your shoes is another.

A Mature Conversation About Sex

I was down the Lagan Meadows again last night trying to find the Unicorn Girl. I thought that maybe if I had one of those majikal horns like the old warriors had then I could blow it and she'd come galloping towards me with the wind or some romantic ass shit. There's something about when you can't get to people or get in touch with them that makes you want them more, I don't know what it is or why it works.

Hot Baby Roy says it's because when you're a kid people don't refuse anything to you but that when you get older and it happens it just makes you want it more.

Since both of us have been crack addicts we know what it's like to really want something and try to refuse it. Part of me wonders if I'm just lonely and that any girl could take the Unicorn Girl's place in my affections.

That was what I was thinking just as Rock and Roll Stephen, the Indie Kid and some girl came prancing along. I recognised the girl, but I don't know where from.

They sat and chatted to me for a bit. Rock and Roll Stephen has new teeth and he says that these ones are reinforced and won't break next time he falls over drunk. I half said that someone punched him but he gave me this alarmed look like he didn't want the girl to know. I don't know why because they weren't together and I don't think he was even trying it on with her. Maybe he was playing it cool.

She was talking all about how she believed in true love and that monogamy was a choice you had to make constantly regardless of whether you had a long term sex partner or not.

The Indie Kid mumbled something about how he didn't eat beefburgers because he could smoke beef at home, then he took a turn to look alarmed and he winced and shut up quickly as he realised he'd balls it up.

"I've always wanted to turn a gay guy," the girl said staring at him coyly. It was then I remembered where I'd seen her before.

Lonely Lagan Meadows

I managed to get enough from my robbing for some sweet bottles of pink champaigne yesterday. I said to Hot Baby Roy that me and him should go and see if we could bump into the Unicorn Girl and he said that he didn't want to sit and talk to Clarence anymore because Clarence always tried to make fun of him to impress girls.

I told him that I could beat Clarence up and that he always cowered in fear whenever I was close.

Hot Baby Roy said that this was balls because he wanted to be his own man, not just looking to me everytime Clarence mentioned Fanta pubes.

I told him to please himself, so he stayed in with the weights set while I walked around being a fey drunk. I sat for hours down by the Lagan thinking about romantic or heroic things I could say to The Unicorn Girl when she came near but I was there on my own all that time. I walked a bit farther into the Lagan Meadows hoping to find her but all I find was that some bastard had written Tuesday Kid is a Bastard on a bench with a pen knife. I was touched to find that some one else (probably a street wise kid) had scratched it through and written Tuesday Kid will win before you beneath it. My money is on the street kid. I'm glad he wasn't there to see my tears or my pride.

Rock and Roll Stephen is Back in Action

Last night I took Hot Baby Roll on a pink champaigne swigging adventure down by the Lagan Meadows. We bumped into Rock and Roll Stephen, Clarence Pishflap, The Unicorn Girl and the girl that Rock and Roll Stephen was trying to steal from another man.

The Unicorn Girl immediately told Clarence Pishflap about my making her cry the last time we saw each other. Clarence looked warily at me like he knew any foolish act of heroism could blow the Clarence The Protector ruse he's been casting for weeks.

"I hurt my arm lifting weights today," he said, rubbing his arm. The left soon after. Clarence looked back at me resentfully and drew a finger across his throat. I flexed my bicep at him in the manner Avril Lavigne used to in the early stages of her punk rock career, only mine were much bigger and dangerous.

Once they were away Hot Baby Roy pulled me to the side and asked if I'd help beat up Rock and Roll Stephen. I told him that I didn't want to hit Rock and Roll Stephen. Hot Baby Roy said it was okay he didn't need to win he just needed to fuck up his face.

Back at the bench Rock and Roll Stephen had his new teeth out in some style and was making up for gummy months by giving it all that about how into feminism he was and was rhyming off this big long swab of bullshit he'd no doubt prepared for this moment.

Here's how it went:

"Feminists, man. I sometimes feel embarrased being a man because we can be so shit to girls, women, I mean women. But we're not the only ones I mean women don't know how far ahead they are sometimes. I mean take Marilyn Monroe, a lot of women see her as a ditsy blonde, a bad role model for other women but still there were pictures of her published while she was still alive that show her reading James Joyce's Ulysees and weightlifting."

Hot Baby Roy rubbed his groin. "Power and brains," he breathed.

"But me," continued Rock and Roll Stephen. "I respect women, I respect you."

Then he leaned in for the kiss but the girl was having none of it. She hit him a slap and stormed off.

"What can I say?" said Rock and Roll Stephen. "It must just be my reputation. I have a reputation for breaking hearts. But I'm trying to change."

Some guy came up to us then and asked who was Rock and Roll Stephen. Rock and Roll Stephen meekly held up a finger in fear. The guy punched him in the side of the jaw and walked off.

When Rock and Roll Stephen opened his mouth next his shiney new teeth came crumbling out and he fled in tears.

Rock and Roll Stephen last night

My Dreams are Crushed Like Rose Petals in an Alligators Mouth - An Old Chinese Saying (balls)

Today I signed on and I was well sneaky. I didn't tell them about my job interview because if I get the job then I'll keep signing on for an extra month, just so they get fucked in the cash.

I'm making big plans for myself and what I'll do when I get mullah. It'll be barbeques and pink champainge every day and hopefully wet tee-shirt contests in my back yard.

That's what I was thinking all the way to my interview. It was pure balls. It's only for a pish wee shop but I was talked to like this was kay-mart or some such shit. It wore me down. I was told all about their current coffee and newspaper promo and an upcoming Pot Noodle one they were very excited about that was sure to crush the enemy or at the very least bring them to their knees. He screwed his face up like he was wringing out a teatowel as he said it.

I told him that I was a big capitalist and I had plans to make this shop into the money making machine I had dreamed about since I was a little boy.

They thought I was taking the piss and asked me to leave. I asked the guy how he could talk the shite he did and not take me seriously.

He told me I was barred. I told him I'd grow a moustache and come back in here on the rob. I'd steal everything in the shop, even the mouldy bread they try to flog to begging tramps. I was getting quite carried away but I left weeping like Ben Affleck crying over his tattered name.

Then I went with a bottle of pink champainge down to the Lagan Meadows and sat at the mouth of it crying away.

Rock and Roll Stephen was there with The Unicorn Girl. I was in floods of tears saying that I was destined to stay on the dole all my life and become a theiving bastard like that rotten bastard Gerard Taggart.

Rock and Roll Stephen said that being on the dole was rock and roll and that I should be proud.

I told him I didn't want to be rock and roll, I wanted money.

The Unicorn Girl said that I was shallow and materialistic and I told her that she only thought like that because she was probably some wee rich girl from the Malone Road.

She started to cry and I felt bad. But not bad enough to comfort her. I sat and drank my drink as she cried and Rock and Roll Stephen tried to say the letter F with no teeth.

Unicorns Aren't Extinct Yet

I went down the Lagan Meadows last night with a bottle of pink champaigne. The optimism of Spring didn't last it seems.

There were some people sitting at the mouth of the meadows all having a laugh. I was feeling jealous until I heard my name shouted.

I went over and it was Rock and Roll Stephen, The Indie Kid, Clarence Pishflap and The Unicorn Girl.

The Indie Kid was saying that he was trying to get Rock and Roll Stephen back into singing because he'd written more songs about The Smoker and they needed to be sung.

"About that," I said to The Indie Kid. "I don't like you writing songs about me."

"They're not about you," he said. "They're about Fabian Wildman."

"How the fuck are they about Fabian Wildman?" I said.

He didn't get a chance to reply because The Unicorn Girl sat bolt upright and started offloading about what a bastard Fabian Wildman had been when he was living with her and her mates. He started smoking crack and tried it on with loads of girls behind Betty Blue and broke poor Betty Blue's heart, and that I was a bastard by proxy.

I told her that I hadn't seen Fabian Wildman in months and that I liked Betty Blue and I felt bad about what he did, and for some reason I found myself half defending him. I told her that he goes through phases where he fucks everything up but that he helped me give up crack and I'll always thank him for it.

She kept on saying he was a bastard and I told her that Betty Blue used to take me clothes shopping in the second hands and that I hoped she was doing okay even though Fabian Wildman had been a fucker to her.

Clarence Pishflap who'd been strangely silent up til that point said that I was upsetting The Unicorn Girl and that him and her were going to go.

The Unicorn Girl said she was sitting where she was.

Rock and Roll Stephen broke the tension by asking me if I knew anything about how to get false teeth. The Unicorn Girl didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening but it's progress of sorts.

Dark Eyes Follow Me

I woke up on the couch this morning to find someone stomping around upstairs. I fetched the baseball bat from the cupboard under the stairs and went up to find Hot Baby Roy tidying up. I asked him what he was at.

He said the house was in a bit of a mess and he was sorting things out. I asked him where he'd been. He said he was staying for a few nights at Clarence Pishflap's. I asked if the Unicorn Girl was there too, and he burst out laughing. I told him that Clarence and he were an item and that I thought she was too good for him.

He said that Clarence wished they were an item because when she's round Clarence is always making her cups of tea and listening to her talk about indie boys that have wronged her and telling her she should leave boys alone and get with a "real man," by that he means himself.

Hot Baby Roy said that one night the Unicorn Girl fell asleep as Clarence was comforting her on the couch (no sex implied) and that when he, Hot Baby Roy walked into the room Clarence was rocking her gently and sniffling. He was implanting subliminal messages, saying "You fancy me, Clarence: a real man," softly in her ear. That's the only night she ever spent at his and Clarence said the next morning that he will never say if they had sex or not because "a gentleman never tells," even though nobody asked.

Hot Baby Roy said that he was fed up with Clarence and had seen him for the sad case he was. He also said that Clarence had bought ninja stars and kept saying he was going to embed them into my skull. And that Clarence had been following me around town when I was wankered out of my face and sometimes deep into the Lagan Meadows as night. Watching for a sign of my weakness, he nearly had me the other night but Rock and Roll Stephen was stroking my hair while I slept (yuk) and Clarence had to go home to change his catheter before it overflowed.

I told him that I wasn't bothered. If Clarence beat me in a dream he'd better wake up and apologise. I felt a bit silly for saying this and Hot Baby Roy politely stared at the floor.

Pain

At the back of the carpark on Tomb St where sk8rkids huff paintball pellets and drink Solschenizyn (brown lemonade, schnapps and a dash of Fanta), was Rock and Roll Stephen, the Unicorn Girl and Clarence Pishflap.

"This isn't your usual place," I said to them. "Your gang don't roam here, what's the story?"
Clarence Pishflap spat and said to the Unicorn Girl that my mate Fabian Wildman was the one who broke her friend Betty Blue's heart.
The Unicorn Girl looked at me and said that I should maybe leave because she won't speak to friends who hurt other friends.
I told her I hadn't seen Fabian Wildman in ages and that I was a free man and could go round Belfast wherever I wanted.
Clarence Pishflap said that him and the Unicorn Girl were off and they left, Rock and Roll Stephen looked sad so I offered him some pink Champaigne.

He blew air out his flapping lips and said that he didn't need to teeth to tell me that Clarence was putting moves on the Unicorn Girl and that I was out of the picture.

I told him I hadn't seen or even thought about the Unicorn Girl in months and that my neighbours wore leotards all day long, and sometimes so did I.

"I know," he said sadly, and I remembered how he lost his teeth.

We sat in silence and I fell asleep, when I woke up he wasn't there. It was only me.