Here's another squiggle of shit from that silly book:
World Peace Anthem
When we get world peace it's hear to stay,
I'll fight anyone who tries to get in it's[sic] way.
Bush was a mutherfucker
but Obama is black
he know what it feels like to be under attack
take it back
take the war back
the war in Iraq
stick it in your fucking arses
I'll never join the army
I'd sooner draw the dole.
World Peace makes me wanna lose control
we fight so hard but the blood never stops
Get in the ring corporate fucking America.
We're gonna fight for world peace.
It's gonna rock
Showing posts with label the suicide diaries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the suicide diaries. Show all posts
Thursday, 9 September 2010
Tuesday, 7 September 2010
People You Meet When It's Raining
The Punchbowl Girl was working yesterday so I was all on my lonesome. I went for a walk but it was pissing down so I stopped in at The Empire for a beer. I was just sitting supping away and flicking through The Suicide Diaries for something to laugh at/read to my girlfriend.
When Clarence Pishflap wandered over with his Taboo and lemonade.
"So Tuesday Kid, I hear you've finally got your hole."
"How dare you speak about my lady like that?" I asked.
"How dare I? How dare I? Listen I'm going to fuck things up for you with her. Just like you fucked things up for me with The Unicorn Girl, you and that ginger halfwit dicking around talking shit and acting up so I could never make my move and now we're in the fucking "friends zone"."
"Hot Baby Roy has a girlfriend too now."
"Don't think I don't know it. I'll fuck it up for the pair of you. I'll tell those dolls all about your crack addiction, and your cross dressing and your rotten pish drinking ways."
"I never drank any pish, and as for The Unicorn Girl, that was your move to make. If you wanted to fanny around like a sappy bastard and fucked it up for yourself that's your own fault. She's a nice girl, you should take being friends."
"You rotten bastard..."
I didn't let him finish. I threw the arse end of my beer at his crotch soaking it. Now he had to leave or face everyone thinking he'd pished himself in the midst of all his excited ranting.
I bought another drink and finished it in peace.
When Clarence Pishflap wandered over with his Taboo and lemonade.
"So Tuesday Kid, I hear you've finally got your hole."
"How dare you speak about my lady like that?" I asked.
"How dare I? How dare I? Listen I'm going to fuck things up for you with her. Just like you fucked things up for me with The Unicorn Girl, you and that ginger halfwit dicking around talking shit and acting up so I could never make my move and now we're in the fucking "friends zone"."
"Hot Baby Roy has a girlfriend too now."
"Don't think I don't know it. I'll fuck it up for the pair of you. I'll tell those dolls all about your crack addiction, and your cross dressing and your rotten pish drinking ways."
"I never drank any pish, and as for The Unicorn Girl, that was your move to make. If you wanted to fanny around like a sappy bastard and fucked it up for yourself that's your own fault. She's a nice girl, you should take being friends."
"You rotten bastard..."
I didn't let him finish. I threw the arse end of my beer at his crotch soaking it. Now he had to leave or face everyone thinking he'd pished himself in the midst of all his excited ranting.
I bought another drink and finished it in peace.
Sunday, 22 August 2010
The Suicide Diaries - No 3.
I was so fucked off with not knowing what's up with The Punchbowl Girl that I asked Hot Baby Roy what was up with her. He's having a run of luck with women so he knows about shit like this. Or is supposed to but his best advice was make her a CD of slushy love songs and tell her that you want to win her heart. That or see if The Suicide Diaries have any good love poems in it and try to pass it off as your own.
Here's the best I could find. I'm not fucking using it though.
Being In Love
Like a rare butterfly or beautiful foreign coins
you make my tackle jingle when you touch my loins.
He wrote a few more lines but scribbled them out. I guess he thought they were worse.
Ho hum.
Here's the best I could find. I'm not fucking using it though.
Being In Love
Like a rare butterfly or beautiful foreign coins
you make my tackle jingle when you touch my loins.
He wrote a few more lines but scribbled them out. I guess he thought they were worse.
Ho hum.
Monday, 2 August 2010
The Suicide Diaries - No 2
I went to work today hoping to see The Punchbowl Girl (I'm not calling her The Suicide Girl - nfw) but she wasn't there. I hope she's okay. I think she's okay. I can't remember much from that party where I met her because I was pretty wasted but I remember we hung out and talked about Pearl Jam and how cool they were (I don't really know their stuff but I've told bigger lies).
I came home and thought I might find some wise words for her in The Suicide Diaries that or I wanted a laugh. I found the following, an attempt at a political rap I think:
Talking deep stuff with the gang
everyone thinks their own thang
Someone thinks one thing I think the other
it's okay we learn from each other
People play some music
I sing some lines
everyone digs it
I feel so fine
When spides hit the street
cops stop the beat
a spide grabs a rock
throws it at the cop
A riot starts
but we keep our cool
both the spide and the cop
look so uncool.
He's now singing this shit to cows. His dad will kick him off the farm if he catches him.
I'm sick of being on my own. I want to get love. I've a few ideas how I might get it but I'm not sure. I've a poll on the side of the page. Vote and let me know all about how to find love.
I came home and thought I might find some wise words for her in The Suicide Diaries that or I wanted a laugh. I found the following, an attempt at a political rap I think:
Talking deep stuff with the gang
everyone thinks their own thang
Someone thinks one thing I think the other
it's okay we learn from each other
People play some music
I sing some lines
everyone digs it
I feel so fine
When spides hit the street
cops stop the beat
a spide grabs a rock
throws it at the cop
A riot starts
but we keep our cool
both the spide and the cop
look so uncool.
He's now singing this shit to cows. His dad will kick him off the farm if he catches him.
I'm sick of being on my own. I want to get love. I've a few ideas how I might get it but I'm not sure. I've a poll on the side of the page. Vote and let me know all about how to find love.
Friday, 23 July 2010
Derry - City Of Culture
I went back to work today. Betty Blue wasn't there and neither was Kissy Boy. They were probably at home fucking and getting fucked like rapists in prison.
After work I went into town and bought some spandex. I was walking up Queen St when I came across Rock and Roll Stephen hanging out on the corner with his guitar in his hand.
I asked him what he was doing and he said he was buying some sausage rolls because he was getting ready to walk to Derry. He was saying that Derry was the city of culture and that he was going to walk there with his guitar in hand and get a garret and write some poetry while smoking rollies and walking around drunk and get chicks and feel like a really rock and roll kid. I sniggered a big because I don't think he knows I call him Rock and Roll Stephen.
I told him that The Indie Kid gave me his book of rhymes before he went back to culchie land. And Rock and Roll Stephen's jaw just dropped and he said that The Indie Kid told him he burnt it.
Tears started running down his face and he said after he managed to get control of himself:
"I guess you really were the smoker."
Then he wandered off in the direction of the motorway singing an old out of tune Libertines song.
After work I went into town and bought some spandex. I was walking up Queen St when I came across Rock and Roll Stephen hanging out on the corner with his guitar in his hand.
I asked him what he was doing and he said he was buying some sausage rolls because he was getting ready to walk to Derry. He was saying that Derry was the city of culture and that he was going to walk there with his guitar in hand and get a garret and write some poetry while smoking rollies and walking around drunk and get chicks and feel like a really rock and roll kid. I sniggered a big because I don't think he knows I call him Rock and Roll Stephen.
I told him that The Indie Kid gave me his book of rhymes before he went back to culchie land. And Rock and Roll Stephen's jaw just dropped and he said that The Indie Kid told him he burnt it.
Tears started running down his face and he said after he managed to get control of himself:
"I guess you really were the smoker."
Then he wandered off in the direction of the motorway singing an old out of tune Libertines song.
Thursday, 15 July 2010
The Suicide Diaries No 1 - Red Milk Green Milk
Last night I was sitting in the house reading The Suicide Diaries and giggling away but also feeling a bit sorry for The Indie Kid because I don't think he meant half of what he wrote here. Most of it just seems like stuff to impress his hipster friends:
Daddy you don't know what revolution means
so what if I wanna wear tight jeans?
It's all just about being free
living on a farm just isn't for me
semi-skimmed semi-skimmed semi-skimmed
we don't need to live off the fat of the land!
Daddy you just don't understand
That one was titled Red Milk Green Milk. It's a reference to skimmed and semi-skimmed milk which have red and green labels respectively. The red might be a reference to The Indie Kid's socialism but there's nothing about environmentalism, maybe it was intended for the second verse.
Ho-hum
Daddy you don't know what revolution means
so what if I wanna wear tight jeans?
It's all just about being free
living on a farm just isn't for me
semi-skimmed semi-skimmed semi-skimmed
we don't need to live off the fat of the land!
Daddy you just don't understand
That one was titled Red Milk Green Milk. It's a reference to skimmed and semi-skimmed milk which have red and green labels respectively. The red might be a reference to The Indie Kid's socialism but there's nothing about environmentalism, maybe it was intended for the second verse.
Ho-hum
Sunday, 4 July 2010
I Can Whoop Some Ass
I was going to post up the funny crap inside The Suicide Diaries but instead I went for a walk with a nice bottle of pink champaigne down the Lagan Meadows. I should really describe the Lagan Meadows to some of you after all this time. It starts in Stranmillis in South Belfast and cuts an upside down V all the way out to Lisburn (not a fucking) City. It's great because it feels like you've walked for miles out into the countryside but you're never really further than a mile away from some houses.
So there I was down there when I ran into Rock and Roll Stephen, he was balling his eyes out and saying that The Indie Kid leaving was like Pete and Carl going their seperate ways.
I said that he'd be happier wanking off cows, he was a country boy really and all this roley smoking posturing was fucking him up. He didn't know how to do one and now he can't remember how to do the other.
He told me I better get out of here because an enemy was on the way. He fixed me a steely stare and spat on the ground.
Suddenly Clarence Pishflap and the Unicorn Girl came into view.
"Hello Clarence Pishflap and The Unicorn Girl," I said.
The Unicorn Girl gave me a big hug and called me the truster of poems. Clarence growled. I asked him if he was still wanting to beat Hot Baby Roy up and he said that he was going to meet up with him at a later date and knuckles were going to bleed.
"My knuckles will bleed," he screamed before falling to the ground screaming.
"Stop acting like a fucking wanker," The Unicorn Girl shouted at him. "I've told you it doesn't fucking impress me."
She stormed off up the path, he stood up and ran after her shouting apologies.
Rock and Roll Stephen laughed. It was nice to see him happy. He laughed as he walked down into the meadows singing Libertines songs to himself. I don't think he'll miss The Indie Kid all that much.
So there I was down there when I ran into Rock and Roll Stephen, he was balling his eyes out and saying that The Indie Kid leaving was like Pete and Carl going their seperate ways.
I said that he'd be happier wanking off cows, he was a country boy really and all this roley smoking posturing was fucking him up. He didn't know how to do one and now he can't remember how to do the other.
He told me I better get out of here because an enemy was on the way. He fixed me a steely stare and spat on the ground.
Suddenly Clarence Pishflap and the Unicorn Girl came into view.
"Hello Clarence Pishflap and The Unicorn Girl," I said.
The Unicorn Girl gave me a big hug and called me the truster of poems. Clarence growled. I asked him if he was still wanting to beat Hot Baby Roy up and he said that he was going to meet up with him at a later date and knuckles were going to bleed.
"My knuckles will bleed," he screamed before falling to the ground screaming.
"Stop acting like a fucking wanker," The Unicorn Girl shouted at him. "I've told you it doesn't fucking impress me."
She stormed off up the path, he stood up and ran after her shouting apologies.
Rock and Roll Stephen laughed. It was nice to see him happy. He laughed as he walked down into the meadows singing Libertines songs to himself. I don't think he'll miss The Indie Kid all that much.
Friday, 2 July 2010
The Suicide Diaries
The Indie Kid came to my house this morning. He was lucky to catch me because I didn't have to be in until twelve. He had on his best Pete Doherty kit and an acoustic guitar by his side. He tipped his hat and said:
"Mr. Tuesday Kid, I'd sure appreciate it if you'd take my moleskin jotter and keep my dreams alive somehow."
The wee skittery notebook had "The Suicide Diaries" scrawled across the front of them in tippex.
"Are you going to top yourself?" I asked him.
"Naw, it's just poems about my life, and sure isn't life just suicide in slow motion?"
"Not really, no, why are you giving them to me?"
"I have to go back to live on my dad's farm now Uni of over, and I always thought there'd be some wee lassie I could give my poems to and say there's one in there about you but thon never happened and so I have to go back to milking coos and all that shite. Wee ladies down round Banbridge aren't really into poetry."
"What do they like?"
"Fighting and calling folk cunts," he said. By the look of him I'd say he isn't too hopeful about his ability to do either.
"I'll keep your songs alive," I said. "When I'm drunk down by the Lagan I'll sing them to the wind."
He pulled this face like I'd just said something wanky but I only did it to give him an indie kid moment. He sauntered off with a tip of the hat whistling an old Libertines tune.
I flicked through "The Suicide Diaries" there's not one thing I like, even all the stuff about the smoker. I'll put a few of them down here from time to time, but I haven't picked out which one makes me laugh the most yet.
"Mr. Tuesday Kid, I'd sure appreciate it if you'd take my moleskin jotter and keep my dreams alive somehow."
The wee skittery notebook had "The Suicide Diaries" scrawled across the front of them in tippex.
"Are you going to top yourself?" I asked him.
"Naw, it's just poems about my life, and sure isn't life just suicide in slow motion?"
"Not really, no, why are you giving them to me?"
"I have to go back to live on my dad's farm now Uni of over, and I always thought there'd be some wee lassie I could give my poems to and say there's one in there about you but thon never happened and so I have to go back to milking coos and all that shite. Wee ladies down round Banbridge aren't really into poetry."
"What do they like?"
"Fighting and calling folk cunts," he said. By the look of him I'd say he isn't too hopeful about his ability to do either.
"I'll keep your songs alive," I said. "When I'm drunk down by the Lagan I'll sing them to the wind."
He pulled this face like I'd just said something wanky but I only did it to give him an indie kid moment. He sauntered off with a tip of the hat whistling an old Libertines tune.
I flicked through "The Suicide Diaries" there's not one thing I like, even all the stuff about the smoker. I'll put a few of them down here from time to time, but I haven't picked out which one makes me laugh the most yet.
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