An Unwelcome Guest

I woke up this morning and the house was freezing. I went downstairs to find Clarence lying on the livingroom floor clutching an empty vodka bottle in one hand and rubbing his crotch slowly with the other. He'd Hot Baby Roy's Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging DVD tucked under one arm. It was rotten looking.

"Clarence, how'd you get in here?" I asked.
He just groaned.

Fabian Wildman came down stairs asking why the house was so cold. He said he didn't know how Clarence got in, then we discovered that he'd kicked the back door in while we'd been sleeping.

My first thought was Battle Cat, if he'd ran away again, Clarence was dead meat. I ran out into the back to find him lazing about in the garden. Clarence had left the back gate open. Bastard.

I shut the gate and ran back inside.

Fabian Wildman was already going through Clarence's pockets for money. He shook his head at me to say there wasn't any.

"Who does this bastard think he is?" he said. "This is our home."

It was touching to hear that Fabian Wildman still thinks of this place as his home. We gave Clarence a few gentle shakes to wake him up, then after asking how he was feeling, me and Fabian Wildman beat the shite out of him.

Clarence Rubs His Crotch

I was sitting in the living room today when I heard a knock at the door. It turned out it was Clarence. I didn't know whether to let him in or not but one of the upstairs windows were open and I could see him eyeing it up. He walked over to the drainpipe and started pulling at it, like he was seeing if it would take his weight.

I opened the door to him.

"Nice drain pipe," he said cheerily.
"Aye, I like it a lot," I said. "What can I do for you Clarence?"

He stood their rubbing his crotch and asked me if I'd the number for the Unicorn Girl.

"No, I don't," I said. "You should leave her alone, her heart is pure, yours is mucky."

He snarled at me and snapped that he wanted a sweetheart and it was time Clarence stepped into the limelight!

He said that he would take her shopping and they could drink vodka in the park and she could rub his crotch when he was too tired to wank. It was all he wanted and I shouldn't try to stand in his way. Or he would figure out a way to destroy me.

I told him to eat his own fuck and leave me out of it.

He said he could prove he was nice. I should hang out with him and I'd see he just has a bad rep.

I said okay, maybe me and him could go to the pub quiz Hot Baby Roy runs down at the Rangers Supporters Club on Sandy Row.

He snorted at this and said Hot Baby Roy did nothing of the sort, that he wanted to run a pub quiz and he often talked at great length about how running his own pub quiz would be his one true dream, just like Clarence wanted a sweetheart, but that no one was going to trust a jittery fool like Hot Baby Roy with such responsibility. So Hot Baby Roy has been lying to people about it.

I told Clarence that stories like that are the reason he wasn't getting the Unicorn Girl's number, the real reason is that I fancy a go at her myself.