Today I woke up to screaming, it was different screaming to Fabian Wildman's sex screams. I went running downstairs to find it was Fabian Wildman. He was standing in the kitchen with his hand under the cold tap screaming and crying.
"What's wrong? Did you burn yourself?" I asked.
"No!" he screamed. "I've been infected with Monkey Flu!"
"You mean swine flu?" I asked recoiling from him like I would from granny porn.
"NO! MONKEY FLU!"
"What's monkey flu?" I asked.
"You get it from eating beige foods!" he squeeled. "It makes you shit and piss yourself turn about and then you die,"
"Beige foods?" I asked wondering why he'd his hand under the tap.
"You know buns, pastries, all that shit that tramps eat, now one of the fuckers has bit me! Fuck those gypsy bastards down castle street! I only reached into his tin looking for crack money!"
"Maybe if you did an honest days begging instead of stealing you'd have the money now instead of monkey flu, which by the way sounds like a load of balls to me."
"You'll be sorry when you find me dead!" he squeeled running up the stairs in a wild panic. He locked himself in the toilet and he's been there ever since.
