Tuesday 30 December 2008

Getting Ready For The New Year

This new year is approaching and like a lot of things if you haven't managed to do what you wanted by the time it's over then too bad.

I wanted to stop crack this year, I'd only started it this year too, I had stopped for a wee bit but I started again out of boredom and loneliness. Now I've Battle Cat and Fabian for company that shouldn't be an issue anymore. The big problem with that is that with Fabian doing it too it would be hard to give it up. I'm sure I'd be pissed off at something some night and get him to give me a smoke.

The other big problem is I don't want to give it up as a new year's resolution. I never keep my new year's resolutions, and even when I manage to go any distance with them I always give them up when I hear someone else has given up on theirs. Like I'm saying I don't need to stick to them, just as long as I beat someone else.

I might give up swearing, because I'd never stick to that. So I could get past that by 2nd of January and start thinking about giving up crack at some point later in the year. I dunno, but it's almost time so I'd better make my mind up soon.

Monday 29 December 2008

Spring Cleaning in Winter

I started cleaning out the spare room today. Now Fabien's a proper housemate he needs a proper room. The spare room is full of a lot of junk that I bought and intended to use but never did.

There's a glockenspiel, an unassembled pool table, a surfboard, a dead body in a suitcase (that smells a bit), a load of tobacco that I found at the dump that I started making into fags to sell (but a visit from some local lads put a stop to that if you know what I mean) and a kareoke machine for fun nights in (that had never been used).

One of the things on that list is a lie by the way.

I wasn't the only one in the mood for sorting stuff out round the house. Today saw (or heard) the second rare outburst from Mr Spoon in as many days. I was lying on the sofa hazy from crack when I heard him banging on the wall. I wondered what he was at but the regular thumping sounded like he was putting up shelves.

Suddenly there was a crash and the sound of something heavy falling on and smashing something ornamental (like a china vase).

"AW FOR FLIP SAKE!" he shouted.

Such a nice polite man, even when he's not in the mood.

Sunday 28 December 2008

Christmas Day at our house

We'd a nice mellow affair at Christmas. Fabian it turns out had bought a few things for me and Battle Cat, all he could afford, which was a tin of BO spray for me and a tin of Pedigree Chum for Battle Cat. It was a nice thought but he bought me Lynx, which now means I'll smell like a 15 year old boy who hasn't showered after PE.

We were settling in for a good game of Gin Rummy with Battle Cat lying sleeping when we heard a knock at our door. I answered it to find it was our other neighbour Mr Spoon. I don't know his real name but he looks like Mr Spoon, anyway he said he had a present for us. I hoped it'd be some of his homemade rhubarb wine but it was an old lp.

He said he saw I had a pet dog (the nosy fucker didn't mention Fabian Wildman) and he thought I was doing a really good thing by taking care of an animal because animals are weaker and look to humans for protection, so he wanted to give me this old lp to remind me that there was still a lot to do to help animals at this time of year.

Here's the track. It's an old christmas song by Adam Faith called Lonely Pup in a Christmas Shop.



I thanked him and didn't invite him in because we were getting ready to have a good smoke of crack. I let Fabian and Battle Cat hear it. They were really unimpressed, Battle Cat started barking loudly and angrily at the lp player. We turned it off before the end. I woke up later to find Battle Cat had shat on the cover. I threw both it and the lp in the bin.

Thursday 25 December 2008

How To Cook a Turkey

I'm just going to bed for a few hours. I've been up trying to cook the turkey. I've never done one before but I got some recipe off the net which was for people who are crap in the kitchen. I've fucked up Rice Crispies in the past so I'm not expecting much.

I had to wait for Fabian Wildman to go to sleep because I want it to be a surprise. It was paid for using the cheque book he stole so in a way he has got us presents. Wish me luck. I hope I don't give me and him food poisoning. Happy Christmas readers.

Wednesday 24 December 2008

A New Housemate

I came home to find Fabian Wildman in tears. He wouldn't say what it was at first but I eventually coaxed it out of him.

"I've been done for shoplifting," he said.
"Shit sorry to hear that mate," I said.
"I was getting you and Battle Cat presents at the time," he said. "I wanted to say thanks, because you've been really nice letting me stay."
"Don't worry about the presents it's okay really."
"I don't like sponging off you, I'll be gone tonight."
"No don't go," I said. "You're welcome here. We like having you."
"Really?" he said stopping crying.
"Sure, listen, in the new year go down the dole and get them to change your address to here, you can stay for good."
"That's great," he said smiling. It was nice to see him happy. I'm glad I'm not on my own. We've a nice wee gang me, Fabian and Battle Cat, and to be honest I wouldn't mind it getting bigger.
"What address did you give the cops?" I asked him.
"My old flat with The Death Owl," he said.
"Great, now the cops won't know the right address to send your summons to, you might get away with it."

Sunday 21 December 2008

Coming off Crack

Me and Fabian Wildman smoked all our crack with Betty Blue on Friday and as bad luck would have it couldn't get any yesterday. I went round a few dealers today but still couldn't get any. So I bought some cough medicine on the way home.

I came home to find Fabian Wildman smeared across the wall in his Zentai muttering and screaming about how "tongues fly" and "my body slides" and hissing like a snake.

I told him to cut it out or he wasn't getting any cough syrup. I don't like the idea of him all sketchy tonight with Battle Cat. If he scares the pup with his knife I'll kick him out, and I really don't want to do that because I'm actually liking having him around. He doesn't pay any bills but he buys most of the crack, he's tidy and he helps out with Battle Cat. Most of all I like him around because he's good company. He doesn't follow me around, he does his own thing a lot and when we do hang out he always has something interesting to say. Of course when he's coming off crack it's a different matter.

"Let'ssss kill the ssssssatanisssssst," he hissed as he slid slowly down the wall and slithered across the floor to get some cough syrup. "I'll sssssssssstab the Fab Rab mutherfucker."

"No, no killing, I want to get that fucker a different way," I said passing him the bottle.

I'm going to let Battle Cat stay up in my room tonight. He's started catching on that the newspapers are for shitting on, so hopefully I won't have a big mess to clean up tomorrow. If he shits on my carpet I'm dragging it into the alley and setting fire to it.

As for Fabian I only hope I can get my hands on some crack tomorrow.

Wednesday 17 December 2008

Christmas Shopping In Belfast

I tried to do some Christmas shopping today but Belfast was bunged. I headed straight for bargain books. This is where I'd get most of my stuff. I saw a book on true crime which I thought Fabian Wildman would like but then I remembered him saying he was going to stab Ron Weasley for me, so I decided I didn't want anything that might push him in the wrong direction. I know he'll steal anything he gets me but just like the Hermione Granger poster it'll be a good gift. I think he's been dropping hints it'll be pajamas, after my two recent bollock naked incidents. I hope he steals them out of a shop because I don't want to wear something someone might have wanked in.

I bought him a book on dreamology because it might help him understand his nightmares a bit better, even though dreaming about a violent satanist with a knife can really only mean one thing.

I bought Battle Cat a squeaky bone out of a pet store because he's chewed the shit out of the other one and he's started on anything that can look shit with a bite out of it. I bought him a few.

I found a little wooden horse in a knick-knack store and thought about getting it for Hooka, but then I thought it was a bit gay and left it.

Then I went and found Wino Jo and invited him to mine for Christmas day, but he said that our Metaller brother in Larne had already invited him. So I gave him his Christmas Present (a bottle of Black Bush) and wished him a happy Christmas.

Then I went back to the knick-knack shop and bought the little wooden horse for Hooka.

Tuesday 16 December 2008

Gobbolino is a Witch's Cat

I was out in the back garden playing with Battle Cat, even though it was bollocks freezing, because both me and Fabian were too high to take him for a walk.

Hooka shouted over the fence at me to come over and bring Battle Cat.

When we got there she said she had a new friend for Battle Cat. Then she held out a wee black kitten and said: "this is Gobbolino."

He was a dead cute wee thing and I let her hold him over the fence to let Battle Cat sniff him. She didn't want to set him down because he was very small; I didn't mind. It's maybe best Battle Cat gets familiar with him before they can play together: if he gobbled him up I'd feel awful and Hooka would cry for days.

Battle Cat didn't bark or anything he just stood there panting and wagging his tail.

I asked her where Fat Rab was. She just shrugged and looked sad. I didn't want to press it with her. I haven't heard them rowing since I beat up The Death Owl but then again I haven't heard Angry Anderson being played, which can only be a good thing.

Monday 15 December 2008

Sticking it to the man Part 1

Our bath is a bit fucked at the minute. It keeps shooting out rust along with the hot water so we can't have a bath. I reported this to the landlord last week and today I had only got out of bed when I heard the door. I rushed down in excitement to answer it, and only realised at the last minute that I was bollock naked.

I threw the door and stood behind it so the plumber could only see my face. Only to find it wasn't the plumber but the TV man.

"Hi our records show you don't have a license at this address," he said.
"We don't have a TV either," I said. Even though we could both hear the Neighbours theme coming from the living room.
The TV man gave me a look of disbelief.
I stood out from behind the door in all my bollock naked glory.
"You can come in and have a look if you want," I offered.
"No you're alright," he said hurrying away up the path.

Sunday 14 December 2008

The leader of the Razorlight Fanclub

We got up late in the house. Fabian Wildman seemed okay after last night and Battle Cat even managed to shit on the newspaper I'd spread out for him in the kitchen.

Fabian took Battle Cat out for a walk and I went to the Dunnes on the Ormeau Road to buy some food. I used to like shopping here because it was cheap but now I only go here because it's one of the few shops left that allows you to pay by cheque. The even better thing is that it isn't even my cheque book that I'm paying with. Fabian managed to lay his hands on one while he was on the rob. He says he got it out of a student house. Most of them only have cheques to pay their rent so hopefully they won't notice it's gone until January.

While I was at the shop I bumped into Rock and Roll Stephen. Rock and Roll Stephen is a mixed bag: He's one of those people who will be friendly with you when it's just you and him, or he's at some place and you're the only person he knows, but if you're out at the Limelight or Katy Daly's and he's with the Razorlight Fan Club (his rock and roll friends) then he'd just blank you.

He comes strutting up to me and launches into a long and boring spiel about how some girl told him he looks like Johnny Borrell but he thinks it's only because they both have curly hair. I don't know who Johnny Borrell is but Rock and Roll Stephen explains that he is the leader of Razorlight. He says the word leader as if we're all marching with him.

I walk away while Rock and Roll Stephen is mid-sentence because he always does that to people and it's why a lot of people don't like him.

He's put me in a shit mood talking about Johnny Borrell: I don't like him because he went out with Hermione. Well not really Hermione, the actress Emma Watson who plays her in the films, but it's still closer than I'll ever get.

Saturday 13 December 2008

Teaching a puppy to fetch

Fabian Wildman and me sat up all night with Battlecat in the livingroom. There was nothing happening next door and when the sun came up after eight we were both well relieved that everything had passed off peacefully. Then we turned on the tv to see a report about there was something special about the full moon that night. We felt like dicks for getting the date wrong (well it was my fault really but Fabian Wildman felt wick too).

We decided that we'd just sit up through tonight as well. We'd both done it loads of times partying but a two day stretch just sitting round the house is pretty hard to do.

We spooned loads of coffee in us (because drinking loads of it gives me the shits) and sat playing Jack Change It.

I took Battle Cat out for a walk at around 2; I got down to the Lagan Meadows with Battle Cat and lost track of time. I let him off the lead and tried to teach him how to fetch. It took him a wee while but by the time we left he'd got the hang of it. It was dark by the time we got back to the house.

When we got in the house Fabian was cowering down the back of the couch with a bottle of petrol and a lighter.

"You won't get me, my time is not nigh," he wailed.

"Fuck sake, Fabian it's Tuesday Kid and Battle Cat," I said. He just looked up at me with big tear stained cheeks and stammered something about virgins and biscuits, then he let a big scream out of him.

I had to wrestle the lighter and petrol off him. I managed to get him into the kitchen and get a cup of tea into him.

It took him a wee bit to remember who we were. I had to remind him about all the times we smoked crack. Poor guy. I sent him up to bed and sat down with Battle Cat to wait.

I sat and told Battle Cat all about how I'd bought him to eat The Death Owl but for now all I wanted was for him to enjoy being a puppy.

I woke up at 6am to him licking my face; he had pissed on my leg.

Thursday 11 December 2008

Fabian Wildman has been having awful dreams. Sometimes I wake up in the night to hear him playing All I Have To Do Is Dream by The Everly Brothers which is what he plays when he can't sleep. I don't mind because Fabian's been really good about sharing his crack and walking/feeding/cleaning up after Battle Cat. Sometimes when he's eating a fry he'll throw Battle Cat a sausage and it was him that told me not to give Battle Cat chocolate because it can kill dogs.

I know it's The Death Owl that's scaring him, and now he knows The Death Owl visits next door he seems slightly panicked. He also knows tonight is the full moon.

"You know you don't have to be here tonight, if you're scared of anything happening with The Death Owl," I said to him at breakfast.

"What? And leave you and wee Battle Cat here on your own? No way," he says emphatically.

Then he shows me some weapons he's got. I hoped he'd have something cool like a morning star (a spikey ball on chains), which are cool as fuck and would destroy The Death Owl and Mr Ponti. But he brings out two baseball bats. I'm really grateful that he'd stick his neck out for us like this, so I don't tell him I've already got one in the cloakroom.

Some suggested getting a protection spell but I don't want to engage him on his own level. Neither of us know anything about magic. I just hope tonight passes off okay.

Wednesday 10 December 2008

My Fruitarian brother phoned today (he's not a fruitarian anymore but that's the name he's got and it's sticking) and asked if I wanted to meet for a coffee. We met in the Starbucks on Botanic Avenue. He seemed in really high spirits and over a hot cherry mocachino told me all about his run of good luck.

Firstly since he's started eating meat again he's re-established links with his old mates who feel okay about taking him out to restaraunts. He says they could have lived with him being veggie, even vegan, but fruitarian was a step too far. Sounds a bit harsh but it's up to him if he wants to be friends with them.

Secondly he's got a new girlfriend, he met her at the foreign market at the City Hall and they bonded over crocodile burgers. Then they had spanish donuts and went on the big wheel. He says he's going to have a party at his house later in the month and invite me.

I decided not to depress him by telling him all about The Death Owl and my neighbours. I'm really happy for him but It'd be nice to have someone of my own at this time of year. If only Hooka would dump Fat Rab.

Tuesday 9 December 2008

I was shaken awake last night to see Fabian Wildman's big tearful face looming over me in the moonlight.

"It's him," he whimpered. "It's the Death Owl."

At first I thought he was downstairs but then I heard him screaming through the wall.

"Fat Rab wanted to kill that goat," he screeched. "he was doing it to please our lord Satan."

The next voice I heard was Hooka's. It was loud and tearful but not afraid.

"You won't be killing any more animals in this house. You're not fucking welcome here."

I didn't hear Fat Rab jumping in on any of their sides, joyless coward.

"The next full moon, we'll be having a blood sacrifice here, Fat Rab has already agreed." The Death Owl shouted back.

"I don't care," Hooka shouted. "I'll call the police on you again and if they won't do anything the blood sacrifice will be you."

Then I heard Fat Rab.

"Hooka please put down that knife. The Death Owl is a very powerful warlock."

"I won't harm your woman," laughed The Death Owl, "but let us sacrifice that wanker next door's new puppy."

I jumped out of bed and put my clothes on. I didn't give a fuck what Fabian Wildman saw.

"Stay here and bring Battle Cat inside," I told him.

I walked out onto the street and banged on their door.

"The Death Owl, come out here to I kick your fuck in," I shouted up at the window.

Hooka came down and pleaded with me.

"Please don't make him angry, he knows some very powerful spells," she sobbed.

I barged past her and caught the Death Owl coming down the stairs. I trailed him down them and dragged him out onto the street, where I gave him a severe beating.

"Right You fucking cunt," I shouted. "I don't give a fuck what magic you can do, or what daemons you send to my house. You ever touch my dog, anything ever happens to him I don't care where you are, I'll fucking end you. Is that clear?"

"You're making a mistake to mess with me," he growled.

I booted him twice in the face.

"You've already made a fucking mistake to mess with me." I shouted back at him.

He waved his wand pathetically but I kicked his wand arm and he screamed in pain. I went in the house and made sure everyone was alright then I went back to bed.

I was woken up at 4am by this song blasting through the walls. I guess Hooka and Fat Rab made up.



It isn't fair.

Sunday 7 December 2008

Hot Baby Roy called round again today. I was surprised to see him standing at the door wearing a pair of jeans and a bomber jacket. He also didn't have the afro. His real hair is ginger though so it was nice that something was still the same about him.

Fabian Wildman wasn't in but I invited Hot Baby Roy in for a smoke anyway.

We talked about stuff for a bit and I was a bit thrown that he wasn't going over any of his 'hot baby' stuff from yesterday.

"What happened your hair?" I asked him.
"What? Oh the afro? that was just a wig," he giggled. "I was going to a fancy dress party."
Of course he was. How stupid I was to think those were his real clothes? This is a sure sign that I should get off crack.

Hot Baby Roy left after a while and a few hours later Fabian Wildman came back. I told him that Hot Baby Roy called. He didn't seem too upset, but maybe that's because he'd nabbed an old record called Japanese Boy. It sounded weird and a wee bit more recent than he usually plays but he said it's a great song for when he's feeling intense. He played it and played it and I kept getting mental images of him when he's got no crack listening to it and dancing around the room in his zentai with his knife. It was weirding me out so I went to bed. I kept trying to work out if the song was a wee bit racist or not but that was weirding me out even more so I tried to sleep through the sound of it coming from the living room below.



Aneka - Japanese Boy

Friday 5 December 2008

We all have friends who have other friends we've never met. When you're living with a friend you get to meet a lot more of their friends than usual. Today was the first time this happened with Fabian Wildman.

After Battle Cat had been fed and walked and cleaned up after we had a knock at the door. I snuck upstairs to look out the bedroom window in case it was the TV man but it was some guy with a huge ginger afro. I went downstairs and asked Fabian Wildman if he knew who it was.

Fabian said that it would be Hot Baby Roy.

I opened the door, and indeed he said he was here to smoke crack with Fabian Wildman. I told him to get the fuck in because I didn't want the neighbours hearing.

Once inside he pulls out this piece of pipping and after unscrewing it and putting it back together it's now magically a funky crack pipe.

"I'm Tuesday Kid, by the way," I say to him. "This is my house."
"That's cool hot baby," he says. "Hot Baby Roy gonna get you high."
He's got a bare chest and a big fur coat and flares that make him look like a white Sly Stone.
We go into the livingroom and sit smoking crack while listening to Sly and The Family Stone on Fabian Wildman's vinyl player (at Hot Baby Roy's request).
Hot Baby Roy starts talking about how he wants to get a pet baboon.
Even when I'm high this sounds fucking stupid and I tell him so.
"No hot baby sure Buck Alec used to walk around Sailor Town back in the thirties with his pet lion. If he can have something cool why not Hot Baby Roy?"
I thought this sounded like balls but I googled him later and found out he really did.

Here's a photo of him (but no lion).
I tell him about Battle Cat and how he's going to be a big violent dog someday but for now he's just a puppy.
"Hot Baby Roy don't dig on violence," he says, and he doesn't say anything more until he has to go.
Fabian's kind of funny with me the rest of the day.
"You know I'm happy for you to have people over," I say to him when we're having a smoke later on in the living room. "But I don't want this house turning into a crack den."
"You sound just like The Death Owl," he says resentfully, as he sulks off into the corner and sticks his headphones on.
He's lucky I don't fuck him out on his ear for saying that but I'll let it slide; he's just high.

Thursday 4 December 2008

Me and Fabian ran out of money today. He had a great idea, he went and got some nutmeg and made us these big mugs of

Wednesday 3 December 2008

When I got up this morning (afternoon really), Fabian and Battle Cat were nowhere to be seen. At first I worried Fabian might have stolen him but after seeing Fabian had cleaned all Battle Cat's turd off the kitchen floor I just assumed he'd taken him for a walk.

I made myself a cup of tea and sat out in the garden, even though it was bollocks freezing. The garden is really pretty this time of year. When I moved in it was just grass, so I planted a few wee trees. It's now really pretty wild and the trees have all lost their leaves.

Hooka came out after a while and said hello. I asked her how come I haven't heard her and Fat Rab slam dancing to heavy metal for a while. She said that they'd been rowing and Fat Rab spent most of his time over at The Death Owl's. She said The Death Owl's flatmate had done a bunk and left him with loads of bills to pay.

I told her I thought The Death Owl was a prick.

She started to cry. She said that she didn't like him either, that before they knew him, her and Fat Rab just did the I Ching and now they were slicing up goats in their own home.

She was becoming a bit hysterical and I really wanted to leave but I felt sorry for her.

She said she had seen The Craft when she was at grammar school and she thought it would be cool to do some witchcraft for fun, and that she hadn't wanted to cut the goat up, because she grew up on a farm and she liked animals, except for pigs because when she was a kid her big brothers put her in with the pigs and she was scared of them because they had big long snotters running out of their snouts and that's why the only meat she eats is bacon.

She then said she wanted to buy a cat and look after it as a way of saying sorry to animals for killing the goat and that she saw I'd a dog and she was worried the dog would eat her cat.

I told her that Battle Cat was only a puppy, and if she bought her cat now the two of them could be friends.

She said she'd like that.

Monday 1 December 2008

I tried to talk to Fabian Wildman about bills today. I got him in the morning just after we'd all breakfasted so that he didn't feel hassled.

"I thought you might ask," he said with a grin. "I was going to hold it back but now's a good time to give you this,"

Then he pulls out a big fuck off size poster of Hermione Granger. It's from The Order of The Phoenix, and she's standing with her wand about to cast a spell and that oul bitch Umbridge is in a wee bubble. It says "The only way is Rebellion!" and that's cool because I always knew Hermione was no goody two shoes. She looks pure lethal.

"I got it when I was on the rob," he says, and I feel a bit guilty about taking it, because I imagine some guy all sad because he can't look at Hermione any more when he's going to sleep. But then I think, so what, no one loves Hermione Granger like I do.

I tell him not to worry about bills and that for now. I know I'm being suckered but I don't want him to ask for the poster back.

"That's not all," he says, then he pulls out a crack pipe and we sit and have a good old smoke of crack. I didn't do anything else for the rest of the day but sit there and stare at Hermione. Fabian Wildman is a really cool housemate.