The Leader of The Razorlight Fan Club Falls

The Banshee moved in next door today with Derek Baby so Fabian Wildman's pissed off about not being able to move there. He'd been brushing up on his sweaty metal moves and he was looking forward to comparing spandex with Derek Baby and now it's all gone to shit.

He was fumming about the house so I decided to get out and clear my head. I ran into Rock and Roll Stephen who was in a wile state. He said that his girlfriend had left him for some other dickhead who had skinnier jeans and looked more like Johnny Borrell.

"It's not a mark of a man who has the tightest jeans, she must be immature," I offered by way of consolation.

"Nobody's jeans are tighter than mine," he screamed. "I sit in the bath for hours to get them this tight, I'm going to get pains when I'm old."

He started blubbing and saying that he hated wearing tight jeans, he has all these infected ingrowing hairs on his legs and he can't walk properly anymore.

I offered to take him for a beer to cheer him up but he winced and looked even more panicked.

"I can't be seen with you," he screamed. "You're not cool, I need to be seen with someone who's cool to get her back."

I told him it wasn't going to happen. He was now on a long slow slide into uncoolness. The fact that he was using the word cool showed this. He'd be saying "groovy" next and meaning it, and wearing clothes for their comfort.

He fell on his knees and begged me to tell him this wasn't true but I said what he was doing only further showed this was the case.

"You know I used to hang about with you for cool points," I lied to him. "But not now, not now."

I walked away shaking my head while he lay on the street crying his wee indie heart out.

Giving Fabian the Summons.

I hate the fucking Jonas Brothers, and when I discovered that the wee wanker across the street had started dressing like one of them and has had his hair permed I could have stormed over there and asked for Johnny Borrell's autograph back, even though it's fake (oops!)

Just then Fabian Wildman came down the stairs. This was the moment of truth. I gave him the court summons. He asked me what it was. I mumbled something and couldn't bring myself to say it. You see Fabian Wildman has criminal convictions and he's liable to get some time for what he did, even if it's only a few months. At the very least he'll get a big fine and a suspended sentence.

He looked really worried.

"I'm going to get really fucked over this," he said, he looked like he was about to cry. "Did that bastard bring it round."

"I'm sorry I went round your old house to kick his fuck in but he wasn't there."

Then he looked down at the court summons and started to laugh. I thought he'd went coco bongo for a minute.

"It's not for me," he said, seeing the surprise on my face.

"What?" I asked.

"This isn't my name," he chuckled. And then I looked closer at it (and without revealing his real name) they'd addressed it to (the equivalent of) Fabien Wildmen.

"That won't get you off," I said in disbelief.

"Sit back and watch," he said. "But don't really, I'm going to wait til a few days before the court to let them know."

Jammy bastard. I hope this works for him because if it doesn't the only logical option he has is to move house again and that would suck.

Indie Wank Boy Gets Fucked in the Mouth Part 2

When I came round this morning I felt awful. I sat in my room and shook for ages.

Fabian Wildman came in and asked was I okay. He says he could hear my bed jingle and it didn't sound like wanking.

I told him about hitting the Razorlight fan.

He asked if I wanted him to go and talk to him and settle things. It was a kind offer but I really need to start sorting some of my own messes out.

He said it was okay because he remembers how I cleaned up his boke when he gave up and that's why he doesn't mind doing the same for me now.

I told him I'd take this one.

I had a shower and went over the road with a wee present for the indie boy.

He opened the door and looked all scared at me.

"I've just come over to say sorry about hitting you last night," I said.

He looked like he wasn't buying it.

"I've a wee present for ye," I said. "Can I come in?"

He opened the door and stood back.

I gave him a bit of paper that said "Johnny Borrell".

"Let me tell you how I got this," I said. "Years ago Johnny Borrell was on crack like me. He went to Donaghadee to help him give it up. I met him when he was there. He was always walking around, wearing sunglasses and playing electric rock and roll guitar. I told him that I thought he was a cool dude. I told him I thought he'd go far and be famous. I asked him for his autograph because when I saw him on tv I wanted to be able to say I was the first person to get his autograph. So he gave it to me. And now I'm giving it to you."

You should have seen the wee indie lad's face light up. It was like I'd just shown him how to levitate because he could have floated by the look on his face.

He offered me a smoke of a spliffy but I told him I was grand as long as we were cool.

He said we were.

I wished him luck and left.

The leader of the Razorlight Fanclub

We got up late in the house. Fabian Wildman seemed okay after last night and Battle Cat even managed to shit on the newspaper I'd spread out for him in the kitchen.

Fabian took Battle Cat out for a walk and I went to the Dunnes on the Ormeau Road to buy some food. I used to like shopping here because it was cheap but now I only go here because it's one of the few shops left that allows you to pay by cheque. The even better thing is that it isn't even my cheque book that I'm paying with. Fabian managed to lay his hands on one while he was on the rob. He says he got it out of a student house. Most of them only have cheques to pay their rent so hopefully they won't notice it's gone until January.

While I was at the shop I bumped into Rock and Roll Stephen. Rock and Roll Stephen is a mixed bag: He's one of those people who will be friendly with you when it's just you and him, or he's at some place and you're the only person he knows, but if you're out at the Limelight or Katy Daly's and he's with the Razorlight Fan Club (his rock and roll friends) then he'd just blank you.

He comes strutting up to me and launches into a long and boring spiel about how some girl told him he looks like Johnny Borrell but he thinks it's only because they both have curly hair. I don't know who Johnny Borrell is but Rock and Roll Stephen explains that he is the leader of Razorlight. He says the word leader as if we're all marching with him.

I walk away while Rock and Roll Stephen is mid-sentence because he always does that to people and it's why a lot of people don't like him.

He's put me in a shit mood talking about Johnny Borrell: I don't like him because he went out with Hermione. Well not really Hermione, the actress Emma Watson who plays her in the films, but it's still closer than I'll ever get.