Harry Potter and the Chamber of Orangemuggles

Fabian Wildman was all excited when he saw me this morning. I thought it was because he was getting ready to go to the parades. He said it was because he'd some good news for me.

He said that he read that the Ron Weasley had the swine flu and that now was my chance to get hot and heavy with Hermione Granger. I told him that Ron Weasley was fine and that it was only the actor Rupert Grint who acted him that was sick but that he was better and if I ever had a chance I'd missed it.

He looked a bit crestfallen, but he soon cheered up when I asked him what he was doing today. He said he'd sniffed some sharpies and he was off to watch the parades. He asked if I fancied joining him, it's not really my thing but it's been a while since we done felt tips together, so I stuck a blue white board marker up my nose and off we went.

We were there for a wee while digging on da tunes when I said to Fabian Wildman that they should write some tunes for dancing.

This spide said that I wasn't a true prod and that him and his mates would fight me.

I told him he had a point but that I'd a better one and I'd be sticking it up his arse with my foot.

Apart from that the rest of the day was fine.

Nominated - Yeow!

I've just found out I'm nominated for the Irish Blog Awards. Thanks to any of you who voted for me. Nice to see some of my buddies in my sidebar nominated too.
I wonder if this could tip things my way a bit with Hooka? Fabian Wildman's well chuffed for me. When I told him about it he says he found out about it ages ago and logs on from time to time in an internet cafe. He says he likes it when he gets a mention, he didn't even mind when I called him a retard for saying he'd stab Ron Weasley.

Christmas Shopping In Belfast

I tried to do some Christmas shopping today but Belfast was bunged. I headed straight for bargain books. This is where I'd get most of my stuff. I saw a book on true crime which I thought Fabian Wildman would like but then I remembered him saying he was going to stab Ron Weasley for me, so I decided I didn't want anything that might push him in the wrong direction. I know he'll steal anything he gets me but just like the Hermione Granger poster it'll be a good gift. I think he's been dropping hints it'll be pajamas, after my two recent bollock naked incidents. I hope he steals them out of a shop because I don't want to wear something someone might have wanked in.

I bought him a book on dreamology because it might help him understand his nightmares a bit better, even though dreaming about a violent satanist with a knife can really only mean one thing.

I bought Battle Cat a squeaky bone out of a pet store because he's chewed the shit out of the other one and he's started on anything that can look shit with a bite out of it. I bought him a few.

I found a little wooden horse in a knick-knack store and thought about getting it for Hooka, but then I thought it was a bit gay and left it.

Then I went and found Wino Jo and invited him to mine for Christmas day, but he said that our Metaller brother in Larne had already invited him. So I gave him his Christmas Present (a bottle of Black Bush) and wished him a happy Christmas.

Then I went back to the knick-knack shop and bought the little wooden horse for Hooka.

I stood outside the cinema for three hours waiting for Sweet Lips. Even though we agreed to meet at six, at first I thought maybe she'd gotten the viewing times mixed up but after it reached nine I couldn't kid myself any longer.

Three hours standing in the misery that is Bankmore Square in the windy, pissy cold night. I wandered up Botanic and called in on Fabian Wildman, I hoped he'd have some crack. He didn't. He's hateful too when he's coming off crack, all twitchy and scatty as fuck.

I was telling him that I'd been lonely now for a while and I'd been looking forward to my date with Sweet Lips because it'd be nice to have someone, especially at this time of year when it's so miserable. It'd be nice to have someone to feel involved with, so I wouldn't be running around all the time inside my own head all tangled up in all the crap that happens everyday and that yeah, I would like to have someone I could think about or give a shit what's happening to them. That's why I just seem to sit there all day daydreaming about Hermione Granger, and I just feel like such a sad fucker because it's not even like something's going to happen between us.

I felt I was going on a wee bit so I shut up. Fabian just sat there for a while, then he took out his flick knife and started dancing around the room all jerky and twitchy.

"You know what you need to do?" he says, "you need to stab the Ron Weasley muthafucker,"

The stupid bastard thinks I've just been talking about Hermione the whole time. He says he's read the books and that Hermione is digging on Ron and that that's why I don't stand a chance.

"Ron Weasley isn't real," I say to him. "Niether's Hermione, that's why I feel sad, I feel like a sad bastard."

"It's okay," he says, "I'd stab the Ron Weasley for you, I got your fucking back."

I'm not going to keep this up. Stabbing anyone, let alone a fictional character, isn't going to help.

I like Ron Weasley, and if him and Hermione end up together that would be cool. I get up and leave because Fabian looks like a wanker dancing round his room with his knife. I know that anytime soon he's going to put on his Zentai and ask me to play blindman's buff. I once waited until he put it on then beat the shit out of him, but I'm not in the mood.

The thing is, if Fabian did try to stab Ron. Harry and Hermione would have Ron's back, not to mention Dumbledore and Hagrid and Sirius and Neville and Luna and all the Weasley clan, and that's only scratching the surface. Who do I have? A retard in a Zentai, and some satanist neighbours. My only real friend is my crack pipe.

I just wander off home and stop along the way to get some crack.

I don't smoke it, I just sit in my room and cry while listening to some Neyo. He really hits the nail on the head when I'm feeling like this.