Pain

At the back of the carpark on Tomb St where sk8rkids huff paintball pellets and drink Solschenizyn (brown lemonade, schnapps and a dash of Fanta), was Rock and Roll Stephen, the Unicorn Girl and Clarence Pishflap.

"This isn't your usual place," I said to them. "Your gang don't roam here, what's the story?"
Clarence Pishflap spat and said to the Unicorn Girl that my mate Fabian Wildman was the one who broke her friend Betty Blue's heart.
The Unicorn Girl looked at me and said that I should maybe leave because she won't speak to friends who hurt other friends.
I told her I hadn't seen Fabian Wildman in ages and that I was a free man and could go round Belfast wherever I wanted.
Clarence Pishflap said that him and the Unicorn Girl were off and they left, Rock and Roll Stephen looked sad so I offered him some pink Champaigne.

He blew air out his flapping lips and said that he didn't need to teeth to tell me that Clarence was putting moves on the Unicorn Girl and that I was out of the picture.

I told him I hadn't seen or even thought about the Unicorn Girl in months and that my neighbours wore leotards all day long, and sometimes so did I.

"I know," he said sadly, and I remembered how he lost his teeth.

We sat in silence and I fell asleep, when I woke up he wasn't there. It was only me.

An Invitation of Sorts

Today me and Fabian Wildman walked to Ormeau Park with Battle Cat, He said he really likes it here and it would be shit if they turned it into the national stadium and that they should put it somewhere else.

I asked him if he wanted it put elsewhere, he said he didn't care he just didn't want it there.

He told me that he thinks we need to talk. He said he thinks that I've been single for a while and that he thinks it's because of Hooka. I told him it wasn't.

He said that he knew that I really liked Hooka and that when she fucked off I just made some remark about how I was glad it was all out of the way and that maybe I was but that he was sure I just kept a lot of it inside and didn't let it out and that he thinks I should.

I said that wasn't true and that it was easy enough for him to say that because he was with Betty Blue and he could run around in his slinky zentai and get her to let him eat boiled eggs out of her pussy.

He said that he'd been with Betty Blue for a while now and that he was very happy with her but it could end, and if it did he'd be sad but he's aware that it's not set in stone and it's all about having the balls to give it a go.

I told him I did have balls and he took out a picture of Hermione Granger.

"You see this woman? This is Emma Watson who plays Hermione Granger. You could someday become her boyfriend..."

"Yeah right, like she'd look twice at me," I snorted.

"You could," he said. "Stranger things have happened. But you need to know that even if you did, you'd not be going out with Hermionne Granger. You can't. It can't be done. She only exists in the fictional world of J.K Rowling."

"And in the hearts of Potter fans everywhere," I said triumphantly.

"The point I'm trying to make is you need to start fancying real women. Not fantasy girls who only exist on TV or in books."

"What about Hot Baby Roy?" I said.

"I've had this chat with him last night. But forget about him, do you see what I'm saying?"

"I suppose," I said.

"Because if you do then Betty Blue is having a party at hers tonight with her arty pals, you might meet someone you like there, but not if you're going looking for Hermione Granger."

"I don't want some wierdo who drinks paint and tries to shit international blue either," I mumbled. We'll see how it goes.