I Can Whoop Some Ass

I was going to post up the funny crap inside The Suicide Diaries but instead I went for a walk with a nice bottle of pink champaigne down the Lagan Meadows. I should really describe the Lagan Meadows to some of you after all this time. It starts in Stranmillis in South Belfast and cuts an upside down V all the way out to Lisburn (not a fucking) City. It's great because it feels like you've walked for miles out into the countryside but you're never really further than a mile away from some houses.

So there I was down there when I ran into Rock and Roll Stephen, he was balling his eyes out and saying that The Indie Kid leaving was like Pete and Carl going their seperate ways.

I said that he'd be happier wanking off cows, he was a country boy really and all this roley smoking posturing was fucking him up. He didn't know how to do one and now he can't remember how to do the other.

He told me I better get out of here because an enemy was on the way. He fixed me a steely stare and spat on the ground.

Suddenly Clarence Pishflap and the Unicorn Girl came into view.

"Hello Clarence Pishflap and The Unicorn Girl," I said.

The Unicorn Girl gave me a big hug and called me the truster of poems. Clarence growled. I asked him if he was still wanting to beat Hot Baby Roy up and he said that he was going to meet up with him at a later date and knuckles were going to bleed.

"My knuckles will bleed," he screamed before falling to the ground screaming.

"Stop acting like a fucking wanker," The Unicorn Girl shouted at him. "I've told you it doesn't fucking impress me."

She stormed off up the path, he stood up and ran after her shouting apologies.

Rock and Roll Stephen laughed. It was nice to see him happy. He laughed as he walked down into the meadows singing Libertines songs to himself. I don't think he'll miss The Indie Kid all that much.

Songs About "The Smoker"

I bumped into Rock and Roll Stephen on my way to work today. He was talking about how he was trying to start up a band, and it turns out that the Indie Kid on my street is the lead guitarist and song writer. He's writing songs about this character who he calls "The Smoker" and the smoker doesn't do what society expects him to do he just sits there and smokes and thinks, that's where he gets one up on society because he thinks more. Apparently it's heavily implied but never exactly stated if "The Smoker" smokes tobacco, drugs or "something different". He was getting really excited about it, and he said they were going to a party next weekend and it was fancy dress and get this they'd gotten themselves all kitted out so they were going as Pete and Carl. I told them they'd more chance of pulling off Pete and Dud, or just Dud and Dud, but he didn't find this funny. He asked who would want to go as two Dudley Moores? And I told him it was a pun on how a dud is something that doesn't work.

Speaking of which I think they won't look so bad next to Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo doing the Anfield Rap but sure the shitness of some people is often obscured by the shitness of someone else.

Why can't my team win for a change.

Sometimes I Stumble and Fall

I was sitting in Charlie's Coffee shop on Bradbury Place when Rock and Roll Stephen walked in. He was with some Rock and Roll girl so when I tried to say hi he blanked me.

I sat sipping my coffee and trying to think about what to do for the day but I couldn't help but over hear them.

"I was cool at school, but no one ever gave me credit for it," the girl who looked to be in her twenties was saying. "I was listening to the Libertines before anyone else."

Rock and Roll Stephen just sat pulling a pose that made him look deep and unconcerned.

"Then they all started listening to them but I'd moved on to other cooler bands," she said, with this big smile like she was finally getting validation.

Rock and Roll Stephen turned to look at her. Then he said:

"I never asked you to understand how I keep myself to myself in the crush of the crowd. But all you can say is 'Who cares? It's part of the deal'".

Then she looked at him all amazed like he'd said something so vital. They didn't really make much sense. I know they're fucking Razorlight lyrics and if she was half the musso she claimed to be she'd know that too. Rock and Roll Stephen said he wrote them and was going to put them in a poem he was writing. Then he went on about how he's a Pete Doherty type and if it wasn't for people like her then the Libertines might have given up and Pete and Carl wouldn't have saved his life.

I really wanted to interupt and tell her that I knew Rock and Roll Stephen back when he was seventeen and used to get turned away from The Venue yet and he used to go home and wank over his ma's club books and get caught and get a clash in the face and a burst mouth and say he got it from fighting with street gangs. Lying wee bastard.

I wanted to say this, but how could I? They looked so loved up and they're both wankers so at least they can be wankers at each other and not fuck up someone decent.