Nanny Boo Boo Is

Today I went down to Nanny Boo Boo's to ask her to Fabian Wildman's leaving do. When I got there she was icing a cake. She asked me to go into the cupboard and get a nice bottle of the two for one pinotage out.

"Are we bringing this up to Fabian Wildman?" I asked.

"No," she said. "Me and you are going to drink it and eat this cake."

I opened the wine and asked her why'd she bake a cake for me.

She said that Fabian Wildman's been visiting her a lot. She said he's worried about me. He thinks I'm depressed. He says I sit about the house watching videos most of the time. Plus she said she likes to bake cakes and eat them but she's putting on weight because she doesn't usually have anyone to eat them with, so today I was having half.

That's weird Fabian Wildman telling Nanny Boo Boo this, he's usually so good at telling me things upfront.

I told her I did sit around watching videos but that I wasn't depressed. I told her that I'd like a sweetheart but that I didn't know any hot girls. That I'd got myself a protege, and I was going to exploit him while teaching about how the world is full of bastards (namely by being a bastard to him).

She asked me why I couldn't be nice and help him avoid the pitfalls of growing up.

I told her that if I did this then he'd think every time he fucked up that someone would come along and help him out, whereas people normally see you making a balls up as an opportunity to sink the boot in you.

She says that's not strictly true. She said I had her and Fabian Wildman and Battle Cat to help me out and that they all get help from me, so everyone looks after each other and it's nice.

I told her that this wasn't always the case, and I spent a few lonely years just pulling myself out of scrapes or laying low until the dust settled, but that I was glad other people had my back.

She said that I should help this kid out and that he maybe needs a break.

I told her that it was the wee guy who was sticking bangers up cats arses.

"Oh?" she said. "In that case, kick him so hard in the arse you break his tailbone."

Then we drank both bottles of wine and ate the rest of the cake and Nanny Boo Boo kept telling me about ideas she had for how I could maim and damage my protege, as they came to her. Some of them were right and fucked up and I've no doubt if we'd never met and she still had Battle Cat he'd have eaten someone by now.

My Protege Teaches Me

I took the Death Owl's money and went and bought a bottle of wine and sat down at the Lagan Lookout at Stranmillis.

I couldn't believe I was here on my own, with no job and pish all money. How the fuck had this happened?

How had I not found a job? or why wasn't I living somewhere nice? Or had a girlfriend? Cunts like the Death Owl seemed to be winning why I was a busted loser.

My protege came and found me. He told me he wanted a new lesson.

I asked him what could I teach him? In truth I'm a terrible teacher, and that's usually okay for my terrible students (he's not the first I've given knowledge to) but it wasn't okay for him.

He told me he thought I was badass and that he could learn how to be cool from my coolness and he knows that I've made mistakes and that's cool because he wants to learn from them too.

"Okay," I said. "Here's your last lesson: do as I say, not as I do," then I boked all over myself and burst into tears.

He gave me a hug and told me I was a great role model because I taught him that it was okay to cry if you were a badass.

A big snotter came out my nose. He didn't mention that.

Fabian Finds a Place

Fabian Wildman's found a place. He's moving in with Betty Blue and her arty pals. This sucks because I know I'm going to have Hot Baby Roy move in, and he's an okay guy but it's just that I know we'll sit about the house watching wanking movies all day, and I was thinking of sorting myself out.

Fabian says we'll still hang out but we've been hanging out less and less these days. I'll try.

I went down to Stranmillis find my protege. I was going to teach him his second lesson but he was nowhere to be seen. I sat down the Lagan Meadows getting trashed on cheap wine and feeding the ducks, but they fucked off when the bread ran out. Why am I always left on my own? How come everyone else always finds a place to go?