Tuesday Kid The Teacher - The Final Lesson

I was about to leave the house last night with my bottle of pink champaigne when the door went.

Standing outside looking worried and more haggard than a sixteen year old should was My Protege. I wondered if he was now on crack like I had been and I was wary of weapons he might be carrying.

"This is for you, can I come in? It's so cold," he said reaching out a Terrence Ternt D'arby CD to me. "I know all the gays like him."

I invited him in and told him that I wasn't gay and hadn't heard of Terrence Trent D'arby but I'd give it a listen. With song titles like Let Her Down Easy I'm in no rush.

He said that he'd been trying to change his ways since our last talk and he was sorry about what he did with the book I gave him but he had to act cool infront of his mates but he was trying to find new mates to be cool with, till that day he had to walk the thin line between how to be cool and how to true.

He tried to pull a profound face and I didn't want to tell him that to be true is to be cool. That would be my final lesson but it's one he should be taught by life, not by me.

I told him to go round to see Nanny Boo Boo because him and his gang had upset her with their wild boy behaviour. He said he would, I told him I'd be calling by from time to time.

He wandered off into the night to someday lick the bowl.

On The Day That JD Salinger Died

Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo are on the huff since I stopped them making dicks out of themselves in front of the Leotard Girl, no sweat guys. You're fucking welcome.

Anyways I took myself off down to Stranmillis because I've got to sort out My Protege, Nanny Boo Boo says he was up shouting out the front of her house and she told him to go away. He told her to suck his balls and she told him she would when they dropped. Then he burst into tears and ran away screaming.

I told her I would twist his balls for him, but I won't.

I'm going to give him one last chance to not be a dick and if he doesn't take it he's in trouble.

I found him outside Cutters Wharf human beatboxing. When he saw me coming he started screaming:

"He's gay! He's gay! He wears women's clothes!"

There weren't any passers by so no one but me gave a fuck.

I walked up to him and put my copy of Catcher in the Rye in his hands and told him all about JD Salinger being dead and how this was the book for him. This was my next lesson.

He took it and kicked it into the River Lagan.

I told him there and then that I was going to do something really nasty to him but I wasn't going to do it now, I wasn't going to tell him when, it might be soon or I might wait a few years but either way at some point I was going to do something really fucking nasty and when I did it he'd know that he deserved it for being a wee ballbag.

He screamed and ran away. I pinged a stone after him and it hit him on the head and he fell on his hoop with another scream. That isn't the nasty thing, and to be honest it's not even a taster. He's in trouble.

Morning in Belfast

Something about being sick makes me appreciate the ability to get out and stay out of the house. I went the long walk to work this morning and had a dander down Botanic Avenue. I went into the new French cafe, where the hippy shop used to be.

Pretty nice menu, you can't go far wrong with a pancake stack, maple syrup and a big mug of coffee, yummy scrummy.

Old man on Botanic Ave wandering around picking up scraps of paper, and throwing them back down again. Wonder if he thought they were cash, there is a recession I suppose.

Standing at the bus stop opposite The Empire a young man in a tracksuit couldn't keep his hands from down the front of his trousers, maybe he has his wallet down there.

Man on the bus kept doing a Jim McDonald and saying "so it is," all while he sat and shot out random sentences about "that's not how it is," and "you can't expect that for minimum wage". In fairness he seemed to be preparing a conversation he was actually going to (or wanting to) have with his boss rather than just randomly talking to himself.

Went into Waterstones to shoplift but couldn't find a book I wanted. Catcher in the Rye was pure class. I really want to get into this reading thing, any recommendations?

In work I was told that I had to have a back to work interview, it's tomorrow. Never had one of them before. Hope it's not a formality for getting fired.

Shoplifting in Belfast

I'm just back into the house now with my bag of goodies. I went in the city centre this morning to get a present for Fabian's leaving. I started by shoplifting a copy of Catcher in the Rye that I promised someone I'd read. I thought while I was doing it that it seemed like something a teenage rebel would do so I felt very cool about that.

I haven't started it yet but I've heard all sorts of stories about it making people want to assassinate famous people, like the dude who shot John Lennon. I watched a movie about him once (or started to) but it just seemed like this fat asshole walking about being a cock so I didn't watch the rest.

Then I had to get moving because I wanted to get a good present for Fabian. I'll be sad to see him go because he's been a good housemate, and we've both looked out for each other and had a lot of laughs. He has most stuff that he needs for the house so I decided to steal him a book on 20th Century Art, just so he'll know what all the arty peeps he's living with are talking about.

I think Fabian's wanting Hot Baby Roy to move in and though I like him fine I don't want to live with him because the place will just turn creepy and to be honest I've seen Battle Cat looking at him sometimes like he's going to pounce. Hot Baby Roy doesn't deserve that but Battle Cat's his own dog!

Finally I stole a couple of bottles of wine and Doritos (cool original flavour) and dip.

Tonight's gonna rock like a smoking hot screaming wild sweaty metal guitar solo!